no contact one month

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4mya

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no contact one month
« on: August 25, 2017, 02:08:41 PM »
I have been no contact with entire FOO for one month now.
I am feeling free and healthier every day and I know that VLC with covert narc mom and NC with narc brother/BPD sister and other enabler brother is absolutely necessary. I have more confidence as a mother the more distance I have from them.

I do want to send a birthday letter to my mom for her 60th birthday. I have as of today not mentioned any no contact to her at this time although in the past I have set very clear boundaries about contact which she was able to accept after a lot of gossip within the family.

This is what the card will say that I want to send:

Happy 60th birthday Mom. 

I am needing some space from our relationship but I did want to send you a present and wish you the very best on your birthday.

- signed me


I have not told her I need space. She ended a text on July 24th asking me to come to a family get together I had already told her I was not attending (one of my boundaries is not going to big family get together's as I get very lost) I have not been to a family get together in over 3 years now. I live in the same town as 3 of my family members (overt narc brother, covert narc M and borderline sister).

Okay so I am needing support I want to honor her B-day and send a card and small gift but I want to stay vlc with her and none with others. Do you think this is wise? I know everyone has there own way of doing this. I guess I would feel bad not to send or do anything...
But I would be initiating contact by sending it as we have had zero interaction in a month now. And this has been VERY good for my marriage my new life as a mom and me...



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Seven

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Re: no contact one month
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2017, 03:05:15 PM »
This is just me and how i deal.  I pick cards that I actually mean. And if I cant find something meaningful that i actually feel towards the person, then I get around the mush by buying humorous cards.

My DH wanted me to pick out a MDay card for his mother.  Told him I couldn't do it, and to do it himself, because there is absolutely nothing that i feel toward her...not even a funny card... and dont put my name on it.

So maybe pick a card that is sort of generic.  Or a funny one.   And dont write anything personal in it like you intend.  Just a card, sign your name, gift card if you'd like, but I'd leave out the part about needing space.  To me, a bday card is not an appropriate place to put that.  It kind of comes across like "hey I want to acknowledge your birthday, but i dont really want to talk to you" and I know I would not personally want that being said to me in a bday card.

So again, try with a generic card and just sign it.  Or sometimes the milestone birthday cards are able to say enough without saying "too much".  That way you've acknowledged her milestone bday.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: no contact one month
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2017, 03:36:26 PM »
...but I'd leave out the part about needing space.  To me, a bday card is not an appropriate place to put that.  It kind of comes across like "hey I want to acknowledge your birthday, but i dont really want to talk to you" and I know I would not personally want that being said to me in a bday card.
That was my feeling too. Hopefully, the card won't open Pandora's box...if it does, then maybe just tell her you are needing some space at that time. Good luck.
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

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4mya

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Re: no contact one month
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2017, 05:43:26 PM »
Thank you- sometimes it is so hard to know what to say.
I know that saying "need space" is not appropriate - for one it will open up all the drauma and two as you mentioned I would not want anyone to say that in a bday card to me. Everyone int he family made a huge deal about this birthday including her...saying months ago and even years ago "I turn 60"....then would use this as guilt in some way to make me spend more time with her.

So it is awkward - sending a bday card with no communication but even more strange to try to say I need space when not contacting her would in any other relationship make sense that the person needs space.  My whole life I have been obligated to "serve her" and she is covert so very creative in her manipulation. She uses guilt and is the real wolf in sheep's clothing...

 I have been working with therapist sometimes 2 days a week to sort out -up down right wrong- as I became so mixed up after 3 months of contact with her after my daughter was born.
I feel obligated on her birthday to explain or at least say something... IT is just so hard to really let go.

Thank you. Aside from the b-day card I am planning no contact through x-mas.

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Blueskies

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Re: no contact one month
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2017, 08:05:48 AM »
Yes, i would keep the birthday card and the announcement of needing space separate. I'd send the card with a simple message and then send a notification of needing space in a few weeks. also it might be confusing...if you are going to send b'day cards then I'd tell her you are going to only do that...otherwise she'll see it as renewing contact.

So good that you are feeling much better not being in contact - I have the same experience.

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practical

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Re: no contact one month
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2017, 09:58:08 AM »
Like the others I think you have to separate the messages. I often resort to cards without text in these situations, like something with flowers on them and I keep the message simple.  You may not have to send the second message about needing space, because she may not contact you after you send your birthday card and present, in which case I would stick with fading away. Sending a message about needing space opens you up to arguments, attacks about "Why? What have I done to you?" etc. I know we usually want to be polite, make others not suffer or feel confused when we retreat, take a Time Out, only remember you aren't dealing with a rational person.

Happy you are doing better!
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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4mya

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Re: no contact one month
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2017, 05:28:28 PM »
Sending a message about needing space opens you up to arguments, attacks about "Why? What have I done to you?" etc. I know we usually want to be polite, make others not suffer or feel confused when we retreat, take a Time Out, only remember you aren't dealing with a rational person.

Soooo TURE!!! about 3 years ago I did not know what a PD was or that I grew up in Narc home. I knew that contact made me crazy and I was just in general a better person with NC or VLC. I attempted to explain my NC and was met with a lot of guilt shame and gas lighting from entire family. It was very simple what I asked and only to M but entire family was quickly involved. Messy!!