"Found a Letter from when you were little. "

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AdultChildinthefog

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"Found a Letter from when you were little. "
« on: August 28, 2017, 06:34:09 PM »
After almost exactly 1 year from coming OOTF, and have a relatively manageable last 6 months with my uND and uBPDM using LC, MC, and boundaries, I get a text from uND saying that he found the most lovely letter I wrote to him when I was young saying how much I loved them and how he should really send it to me and how he can only hope I feel the same way about them now.  Then asking how I'm doing. :unsure:

When I read it it was like I heard screeching breaks.  Oh no, here we go again.  I would get these texts early on when coming OOTF that would all lead to what a horrible, wrong, unloving, daughter and person I am.  So I've learned to not engage or acknowledge the baiting.  I simply responded , "Doing ok.  working and taking care of the kids"

Then he text back again asking if I am interested in reading the letter from when I was younger.  (um no.)  I have not responded, and feel any response I send will start the vicious cycle of how bad and horrible I am now.  I want to be prepared with a response if I'm pushed when I do talk to him that will not feed the supply or why ever he feels the need to engage in these conversations.  Any advice to say that would just shut it down?
« Last Edit: August 28, 2017, 06:41:26 PM by AdultChildinthefog »

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all4peace

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Re: "Found a Letter from when you were little. "
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2017, 06:37:19 PM »
How about "No thanks." He asked if you want to read it. You can answer no. I can understand how horribly triggering this would be. My mother was not a good mom. Not at all. And I wrote her very loving and sweet cards until I reached my teen years and could no longer choke out false words. It's pretty desperate when our parents have to go back that far to find loving communication. I'm sorry for hos upsetting this must be for you.

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daughter

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Re: "Found a Letter from when you were little. "
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2017, 12:04:14 AM »
Yikes. So his implied message is "why can't you be that nice obedient loving little girl that you once were".  Answer, of course, is "but I'm a grown-up now, not as naive and malleable as I once was, who now sees situation quite clearly".   Your "no response" is the appropriate response to his badgering.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: "Found a Letter from when you were little. "
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2017, 09:24:46 AM »
In the past I was given similar letters. Sadly all I heard when I read them back was a sad little girl desperately seeking parental approval. I don't hear what I hear when I read them and I don't feel what they hoped I would feel. If anything it reinforced everything I'm doing and being an adult living her own life separate and distant. I hugged my inner child, told her she is indeed loved and approved, and both of us tucked ourselves back inside our medium chill boundary cocoon.

You have the right to say yes or no, if you don't wish to read them then a simple "no thanks that's really sweet though" is sufficient and they could make of it what they want.

Another way to respond to "how he can only hope I feel the same way about them now" is one of Woman Interrupted lines - oh now you're just being silly.

When communicating I find it really important to stay in my adult voice and grounded.
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daughterofbpd

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Re: "Found a Letter from when you were little. "
« Reply #4 on: August 29, 2017, 04:56:26 PM »
In the past I was given similar letters. Sadly all I heard when I read them back was a sad little girl desperately seeking parental approval. I don't hear what I hear when I read them and I don't feel what they hoped I would feel. If anything it reinforced everything I'm doing and being an adult living her own life separate and distant. I hugged my inner child, told her she is indeed loved and approved, and both of us tucked ourselves back inside our medium chill boundary cocoon.

You have the right to say yes or no, if you don't wish to read them then a simple "no thanks that's really sweet though" is sufficient and they could make of it what they want.

Another way to respond to "how he can only hope I feel the same way about them now" is one of Woman Interrupted lines - oh now you're just being silly.

When communicating I find it really important to stay in my adult voice and grounded.
Ditto this. My mom showed me a card that I made her when I was a kid. I think it was supposed to serve as "proof" that she was a good mom and that I really thought that she was at one time. I clearly made it because I was in trouble for some wrong doing I didn't understand and I was desperately trying to get back in her good graces. Reading the card made me very very sad for my child self.
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RapunzelNoMore

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Re: "Found a Letter from when you were little. "
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2017, 05:44:10 PM »
In the past I was given similar letters. Sadly all I heard when I read them back was a sad little girl desperately seeking parental approval. I don't hear what I hear when I read them and I don't feel what they hoped I would feel. If anything it reinforced everything I'm doing and being an adult living her own life separate and distant. I hugged my inner child, told her she is indeed loved and approved, and both of us tucked ourselves back inside our medium chill boundary cocoon.

You have the right to say yes or no, if you don't wish to read them then a simple "no thanks that's really sweet though" is sufficient and they could make of it what they want.

Another way to respond to "how he can only hope I feel the same way about them now" is one of Woman Interrupted lines - oh now you're just being silly.

When communicating I find it really important to stay in my adult voice and grounded.
Ditto this. My mom showed me a card that I made her when I was a kid. I think it was supposed to serve as "proof" that she was a good mom and that I really thought that she was at one time. I clearly made it because I was in trouble for some wrong doing I didn't understand and I was desperately trying to get back in her good graces. Reading the card made me very very sad for my child self.


Same here. I remember making a similar card when I was around four or five, and very specifically remember that part of my reason for doing so was so that my uBPDm would not turn on me and hate me like she had with my sister.
And at last I see the light, and it's like the fog has lifted

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Orangecounty

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Re: "Found a Letter from when you were little. "
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2017, 12:23:42 AM »
Ugh, that would have given me the creeps. No thank you! would have been my response. Of course children write sweet letters or cards to their parents at that age, that's normal. Their too innocent to realize that their parent or parents are not emotionally well people. I'm sorry you had to go through that.  :sadno: