Finally joining the conversations

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Agirlhasnoname

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Finally joining the conversations
« on: August 28, 2017, 09:22:05 PM »
I've been utilizing the resources on here and reading the forum discussions for a few months. I have been in a relationship with my partner (although he doesnt feel like one for 3 years. I am 32, he is 40. Several red flags (lack of empathy, lots of sarcasm and eye rolling, the silent treatment, white lies, hurtful comments--I hope to elaborate in the forum) were present in the beginning, but I just chalked it up to him being a long time bachelor. I am the first woman he has lived with and the longest relationship he has been in.
After a relatively peaceful period, we got engaged in May. Things have since gone from bad to down right awful. He finally agreed to see a counselor with me, but quite going with me after 2 sessions (claiming the therapist wasn't qualified) and that I'm just being too sensitive. She confirmed that he has narcissistic tendencies and is working with me to help gain the courage to leave.

Sorry that was a winded hello, I just don't know where to begin.

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Seven

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Re: Finally joining the conversations
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2017, 01:03:53 AM »
Hello
And yes, please do not marry this man.  You described my ex to a T.  Things will only get worse once the relationship becomes permanent.  You will find a lot of support here and i had found out that support was all that i really needed to make the decision to leave.  That my back was had.  Your back is had here.  You are lucky in the sense that you were able to figure out what he has prior to committing.  I'd been divorced from him for 8 years before finding this site and being able to put a name with his behavior.

And 2 sessions was all it took for the ex to say that our T had no clue what he was talking about.  The T that the ex picked all on his own.  The T who was a guy, and because he was a guy, the ex thought he would side with him.  Didnt work out that way.  Only difference is i had already moved out before the counseling started.  I knew i wasnt getting back together (once i was out there was absolutely no going back), but i wanted medical documentation that the ex was just not right in the head, and trying to show the ex that he needed help.

I'm all good now.  Remarried to a wonderful man.  You'll be fine too.

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practical

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Re: Finally joining the conversations
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2017, 09:37:34 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

As miserable as it is, it is good you got to see his true side before you tied the knot and are working on getting out. You'll get a lot of support here and people will share what worked for them, so jump right into Separating and Divorcing or any other board you find suitable.

He finally agreed to see a counselor with me, but quite going with me after 2 sessions (claiming the therapist wasn't qualified) and that I'm just being too sensitive.
"Too sensitive" is such a give away, it points to a lack of empathy, of compassion, of self-reflection. A healthy person does question their behavior when told there are issues. The only people I have head this from are my uPDparents and uNPDBFs.

Make sure to check out topics like the Leaving Checklist in the Toolbox     .

Sending you strength as you go forward.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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NeverAgain217

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Re: Finally joining the conversations
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2017, 06:40:24 PM »
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Consider yourself lucky, though, because you can still get out before making a huge commitment. The more you read on this forum and elsewhere, you'll see that everyone agrees that the longer you stay with someone like this, the harder it is to leave. That, coupled with the fact that PDs' behavior tends to get worse and worse as time goes on, means that you're smart to get out now. I made the mistake of making excuses for my uSTBXh and marrying him in May, only to decide I'd had enough and kick him out in July. I can't even tell you how badly I wish I had listened to my gut and gotten out before getting married. Don't be like me! And if you have to make excuses for someone, they are the WRONG someone for you.

There is so much support on this site to help you through. You can do this!

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Agirlhasnoname

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Re: Finally joining the conversations
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2017, 09:49:33 PM »
Thank you for the welcome, all. I've started keeping a journal recently to help make sense of everything that is happening. I can clearly remember the hurtful and confusing moments the first 2 years, but the last year has made me feel like a crazy person. Lots of broken promises, contradictions, double standards, stone walling, dismissing/diminishing me when I've told him he has hurt my feelings or disrespected me. Telling me "You're just looking for pity points" when I began physical therapy for my scoliosis. Asking me "when are you going to actually learn something useful" when I worked my tail off and made the dean's list (I'm going back to school for non-profit management.) Telling me that I "needed to prove myself to him"  before he world propose, but not elaborating on what I needed to prove.

What I'm getting at is... thank you for the support.  I've struggled to find anyone else who's been through this.