Will I regret it?

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Silent Vixen

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Will I regret it?
« on: September 01, 2017, 05:55:34 PM »
Hi everyone..been reading the boards here about six months. Time to join.
I have been NC with  N mom over a year now. I have come along way in this past year. I am still in touch with flying monkey brother
on Facebook. He and my EnDad are still trying to reel me back in. Because I am sure my brother is now the scapegoat. My mother
refuses to admit to any wrong doing and will not apologize to me. And I just can't go back to the abuse. :sadno:
My Dad stopped by unannounced awhile back and told me I'm too sensitive.,she's old what is wrong with you? You won't see us
anymore.?! Started bullying me and I told him to leave. Last I've seen of him.

Now my brother told me on Facebook she has Cancer. Get ahold of her! he say's to me. Nothing more. I am so anxious about all of this!
Do I go see her? Or is this another hoover? I don't know what to feel or think anymore. I am in my 50's and I feel like they are playing
Tug-of-War with me. This past year I lived for me! Not to please her! Now My blood pressure is high again and so is my anxiety. I feel like I
can't go back... But what if she's dying of Cancer? Do I get involved? Will I regret it If I stay away? Would love any advice.. Thanks in advance



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Re: Will I regret it?
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2017, 11:05:24 PM »
Welcome to OOTF!

I'm sorry your F is trying to visit upon you this level of FOG. Illness is one of the worst ways of pulling/bullying you back into accepting abuse without being allowed to say anything about it. Being called "too sensitive" is part of this, it devaluates your feelings, who you are and tells you to just go back and play your role. Having been called too sensitive myself many times, I wrote a post about it that might help you: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=48752.msg438269#msg438269

What to do? The key question is what is right for you? I was NC when M died of old age, and I'm now NC with F, who is also old and has health issues. So, each time when I went NC I was aware I might never talk to my parent again and decided I was okay with it. The relationship was destroyed and there was nothing to talk about, no way of talking to each other. This is a determination you have to make for yourself, based on your own feelings, the truth you know, not based on your F guilt tripping you, or some perceived societal standard where the family all comes together during crisis and everything is hunk-a-dory. That is for other families, not families were one member is PD, there no sick bed reconciliations happen, not as far as my own experience goes and not from what I have read here by other members. Rather being sick is used as a further justification and excuse for abuse. - Whether it is a hoover or not is hard to say, it is certainly used to bully you, and I'm really sorry you have to experience this.

I am in my 50's and I feel like they are playing Tug-of-War with me.
This is a very apt picture. On the one side is your FOO, who wants you to fall back in line and reprise your role in the dysfunctional family drama, they don't care what it does to you, on the other side is you, who has discovered who you are over the last year, and wants to stay herself. This by the way is not selfish, it should be a given that you can be yourself within your FOO, unfortunately that isn't true with dysfunctional PD families.

Nobody can make you go back to the abuse! You may feel you want to give contact a try using MC given your M's illness or you may decide the illness hasn't changed anything essential as it doesn't change who your M is.

Hope this helps you in trying to figure this out. Whatever you do, take all the time you need to make your decision and feel free to change it if you feel circumstances have changed, or it isn't working as you thought or for whatever other reason.

See you on the boards!
« Last Edit: September 01, 2017, 11:08:03 PM by practical »
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)



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Re: Will I regret it?
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2017, 11:46:54 PM »
I Agree with all the Practical said.
It's sure is a difficulty decision, and one that only you can make.

I like the 51% rule: The 51% Rule says that we need to consider our own needs just a little more than those of others in order to be able to help them effectively.

 (taken from this website)

Often what I do, when I have a difficult decision to make is think about the 51% rule, then ask myself:

Will doing (x) make my life more complicated, difficult or painful? OR

Will doing (x) make my life more peaceful, clear, better or at least not cause harm?

And I suppose it helps to ask yourself what are the reasons you would reach out? Who will they benefit? Who will they harm? What do you want to get out of it? And is that realistic, given the history and past?

Any decision you make, can also be reversed at some point too...

All th best!

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama


Silent Vixen

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Re: Will I regret it?
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2017, 10:47:32 AM »
Hello and Thanks for the replies!

practical- I read your post on being "Too sensitive" very helpful!! some great insight! Thank you for that!
I can't seem to let myself call her or visit. It's been so long now... the walls are too high. She never tried to
fix this rift just blame me. Too go back would mean facing all the shaming and blaming again. I can't do
that...not that meek little girl anymore .I've changed, a lot in this past year.Yes I hope too figure it all out
and be able to live with my decision.

mdana- I hadn't heard of that  51% rule!  Wow what a way to look at it all!  I don't know how I missed that in the Toolbox!
Thank-you for that! It would definitely make things more painful!! I already feel like I could crack! So far I'm
leaning toward  keeping NC. Like you said that could change at some point. I feel nothing for her anymore., just sad
about it all.