How to handle the handsy alcoholic

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Seven

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How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« on: September 05, 2017, 03:22:12 PM »
DH has friends who are alcoholics that we basically do weekly dinners with.  He is tolerable.  She is not.  We went to their house on sunday to pick up some stuff they had for us.

Her thing is, she's a hugger, a toucher.  Neither DH or i are comfortable with any form of physical contact with either of them.  I'm ok with hugging goodbye other people, just not these people who are constantly drunk.  (Seriously, how these people have not killed someone while driving is beyond me.). And sometimes those other genuine people hug us goodbye in front of these alcoholics which really puts us in a weird spot.

Help me figure out what to say when she wants to touch and cheek-kiss and hug and we are just uncomfortable with it.   DH doesnt want to hurt their feelings so he does it.  I just stay physically as far away as possible.  She justifies her contact because "she's known DH longer than i have" so that makes it ok.  In my book, its a poor excuse.

This couple has no friends (other than DH....these are not my friends) and his adult-daughter wants nothing to do with either of them and they just dont understand why.  Everyone else clearly understands why.
« Last Edit: September 05, 2017, 03:27:18 PM by Lastof7 »

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Adrienne25

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Re: How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2017, 04:33:38 PM »
I diffuse unwanted/unwelcome hugs and kisses with "I (or we)  are getting over  a cold and don't want to spread it around, what about a wave instead"

We should not have to explain ourselves over and over  and be subject to touching if we don't want it, but with some people, I think its a power play thing. Like if they get to TOUCH and KISS and HUG, you owe them something. Ick. Often with drunks its more like  'I'm OK, you're OK and you're OK with me being drunk"

Just stick to your guns and saying this over and over, perhaps they will get the message.

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Seven

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Re: How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2017, 07:21:05 PM »
I'm also now remembering another situation:

This couple and my DH have a mutual friend.  The other couple stayed in closer contact with said friend than my DH.  Said friend has cancer and is in the hospital so all four of us go to visit him after a bout of chemo because cancer friend is estranged from his wife, but not quite divorced.  Now i have never met this man personally in my life, but knew about him (neither bad or good...my DH was in business with him many years ago before i was in the picture).

Anyway in the hospital, mutual friend in the hospital bed, very, very  lucid.  Knows everyone in the room (except me of course), tells his stories in excellent detail. I mean, couldn't be more lucid.  Alcoholic woman i swear climbs into his hospital bed with him, starts petting his head, she is just all over this dude.  I dont quite know how it made cancer-friend feel, but i was utterly uncomfortable with it and so was DH in a "WTF?!"  kind of way.

In any normal situation when alcoholic woman oversteps her bounds, alcoholic husband has to literally scream at her to make her stop doing what she's doing...whether its talking entirely too much, or interrupting a conversation (usually both).  And when this happens, this is in public, like at restaurants where everyone's heads turn.  I ask my DH how he tolerates this behavior.  He just says he ignores her, but is coming to learn that when he himself tries to bring up a subject he would like to talk about they both twist it and make it about themselves and totally invalidate the fact that DH was even speaking.

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looloo

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Re: How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2017, 07:50:55 PM »
Hi Lastof7,

Geez, this couple sounds like a nightmare to be around.  I'm probably responding to your post because I've had many situations--not exactly like yours--but so many moments where I've felt obligated to put up with people and situations that I just didn't WANT to have anything to do with.  Eventually, maybe 4-5 years ago, I realized that it was PERFECTLY OK to say NO.  No to hanging out with people you don't like, refusing hugs when you're not a hugger, etc. 

Can you tell your H that you won't stand in his way if he'd like to continue seeing this couple, but that you're respectfully bowing out?  Life's too short (sadly, I'm sure the friend going through cancer treatment knows this all too well).
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Seven

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Re: How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2017, 08:17:11 PM »
Yeah i forgot to say.  The guy with cancer died a few days later.  Took a drastic turn for the worse that was unexpected.

Early on with the weekly dinners they'd tell their stories about other people or situations and always say "she was as big as you are, 7".  This got to be real old real quick and i told DH she says it one more time and I'm calling her out on it.  He got upset because basically its the one thing a week he looked forward to.  This was early on.   Then she'd say how we bought a house that was "just like theirs".  It's no where near theirs.  Not even close.  This was irritating DH as well.  So next time she brought it up, i reminded her that our house was built earlier than their house so if anyone was copying houses, it was her.  That shut her up and never got brought up again.

Now he doesn't know how to get out of it because her behavior is getting old to him too.  They offered to shelter a car for us for the winter, and she wouldnt stop bringing up the fact that our car is in their garage (their garage is bigger than some peoples houses). Problem is, if DH were to call him for something, he wouldnt hesitate, and vice versa.  Again, he is the tolerable one.  It's basically a use/use situation.  Woman introduced us to her father, not as friends (she's known DH for over 20 years) but as their pet sitter.
« Last Edit: September 05, 2017, 08:21:03 PM by Lastof7 »

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NotFooled

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Re: How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2017, 12:19:08 PM »
Have you thought about just letting your husband hang out with them and you limiting contact.  I've gone NC with several of DH old PD friends and blocked them on FB.  But I'm not going to stand in his way if he wants to continue those relationships.  I just can't deal with the drama anymore.

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Seven

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Re: How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2017, 12:44:12 PM »
To be honest, DH and I really dont do anything without each other.  We are literally together 24/7 as we run a few businesses together.  So it would feel really weird to do that.  Plus we each sacrifice for each other.  He does things for me that he doesnt want to do and vice versa.

Luckily the other couple called and canceled din-din for tonight. 

I guess it's not so much having to deal with them for a couple hours on a weekly basis.  It's how do we get away from the unwanted physical contact.

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Maisey

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Re: How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2017, 02:02:06 AM »


Help me figure out what to say when she wants to touch and cheek-kiss and hug and we are just uncomfortable with it.   DH doesnt want to hurt their feelings so he does it.  I just stay physically as far away as possible. 


I the reference to this thread in the other post.

I think you may be friends with some of my ILs who are drunks and act like that. haha. But joking aside, there has been an instance of someone they were friendly with  refusing to to have anything to do with them because of the behavior you described. The person did tell them exactly why before existing the friendship. And it is of no consequence to my drunk ILs because the friend was being judgemental of their behavior, a real drag.

That thing about the patient is very bizarre. Obviously the husband is not going to reign in the wife's incredibly inappropriate behavior. If I can offer a suggestion? Decide now how you would respond in a situation where the husband isn't bothering to step up and stop it. Because I bet the screwy action don't stop and you will be witness to more.

Do you mean that you are physically able to keep out of the woman's hug or that you can keep the hug from being close contact?

M.

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Seven

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Re: How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2017, 04:54:06 PM »
A situation came up last night where it was us two couples and then a third couple.  When the night ended, the other two couples were hugging goodbye.  She tried to come in and hug me and i literally said "nope...im in a mood." And i was in a mood, because the 3rd woman was complaining that the alcoholic couple were making a scene in a very, very public place, causing woman 3 to be completely embarrassed (the third couple is not new to the alcoholic couple).  This scene was the husband trying to reign in the wife from being a drunk idiot.  This scene is not new.  He does it all the time.

So not only are they both alcoholics, but she's a stupid drunk and he's a raging drunk, and when he tries to reign her in in public, it's embarrassing for everyone involved.

I really had a meltdown this morning over all of this.  His rage is a trigger for me because of my NPDex#2.  I got to thinking if maybe i told them the story about ex#2 and what he did to me, he might reign his anger in front of me, but you know what?  I really shouldn't have to.  His behavior is intolerable for anyone, even those who aren't triggered and/or nons.  I definitely dont feel like i need to JADE to people who dont even care about each other.

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HotCocoa

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Re: How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2017, 10:13:34 AM »
My stbxnh and I used to be "friends" with a couple who clearly had alcoholic issues.  My nh has these same issues and they always had the party house with a pool and everything.   I have never been around those people when the wife didn't drink herself into a stupor by the end of the night.  She would start slurring and falling down.  This was every time we were with them.  They also had great jobs and a teenager. 

I couldn't handle the alcohol anymore.  I couldn't handle feeling like I was alone over there by the end of the night because they were drunk.  Including my husband. .  They wanted my husband to keep drinking because he was fun.  Alcoholics can always find other alcoholics to party with.  The more drunk they got, the more inappropriate the behavior was. 

Being sober, it was like watching a train wreck.  I couldn't handle it anymore and finally one day just said, no more.  I'm not going over there.  That was my boundary and also towards the very, very end of my marriage, but I had to hold firm.

You are going to have to find your boundaries.  Does your husband drink heavily with them?  Do you?  Is it one big party and their behavior seems acceptable to them because they really have a big lack of boundaries, as alcoholics usually do? 

If it bothers you this much, then perhaps getting away from these friends and saying no to every weekend may be a start.  Is this something your husband would accept?  Do you feel obligated to be with them because of him?  Those are some big red flags you have to sort out.   
« Last Edit: September 12, 2017, 10:16:37 AM by HotCocoa »
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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Seven

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Re: How to handle the handsy alcoholic
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2017, 08:53:31 PM »
Hey Cocoa,
No.  Neither of us drink.  If one of us has an alcohol, say at dinner, then it's only one, and the other drives home.  And that happens only maybe once every 3 months.  So rare that i say we never drink.

And we have other friends that can drink themselves to a stupor, but they are not fall down drunks or raging drunks.  They're actually fun to be around and know their limits.  I wouldn't consider them alcoholics.  I would consider them social drinkers.

This couple is/are alcholics.  Like will literally go into withdrawals.  Cannot function without it.  She has been told by her physician to stop drinking.  Physician called her a liar when she told them how many drinks she has a day.  Chronic medical problems due to the alcohol.  She will die.

DH and I discuss them often, probably because we see them once a week.  I get tired of their drama.  He just says he doesnt say anything because he was taught to be polite so he just shrugs it off.  It will probably take me backing off, and then him getting hte brunt of their BS (like what happened with his mother) before he'll peace out.  The good thing is, a third couple that we were with this weekend told my DH how they feel and that they can't tolerate her, and his actions are embarrassing for everyone involved when he rages in public.  So now DH realizes it's not just me that they affect.  And i know for sure DH does not want to lose the friendship of the 3rd couple.  So, yes, DH recognizes their issues, but is just too polite to say anything and doesn't know how to get out of the relationship.  And no, DH does not always have to be around these people. It's not that kind of relationship.  DH just enjoys having a scheduled weekly outing (during the week)

This alcoholic couple has lost all their friends and family.  Losing this friendship will not end our marriage.  Like i said before DH just lets this stuff roll of his back.  I dont have the abillity to do that.