Offended father

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Wingwing

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Offended father
« on: September 10, 2017, 11:55:21 PM »
Hello,
I want to get an outsider's perspective (one that isn't my mom, which I have talked to about my dad and sometimes she minimizes his behavior).

I might be asking you gals and guys about a lot of these examples as they come to mind. I'm just discovering that my dad may have a PD, based on his symptoms. He is confirmed to have depression, if that matters. Could it be depression, alone? I was thinking possible BPD, when thinking back on examples. He seemingly has a victim complex.

To the example... It's very short, but there have been many like it.

When he was driving me to the first day of college, we were at stop light. He said, "You have a hair in your face", and put his hand in my face to get it out. My instinct was to say, gently, "stoppp" and turn my head. I hadn't even noticed a hair in my face, and didn't feel like having someone's hand linger there (in a boundary type of way, no emotion in it). Had I said "stopp" to a friend or my brother, they would have stopped and maybe chuckled and I would chuckle back. My dad's reaction was quite different,

"Excuse me for LIVING!"

Me: *silent* *feeling guilty* *feeling resentful that he tried to make me feel responsible for his hurt feeling, but wondering if I should have let him move the hair*

I know no one can diagnose here, but this example is a common one with him. I don't think I did anything wrong, yet I felt guilty anyway, and want to hear a perspective from someone who isn't me.

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practical

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Re: Offended father
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2017, 09:49:03 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

It is impossible to give you an answer, what might be more helpful to you is to look at our resources like the Top 100 Traits     or the Disorders   . We all have some of the traits to some extent, what matters is the extent, whether we are prepared to change. When I read through the traits I had quite a few lightbulb moments, and on top of it many of the traits descriptions provide information on what to do and what not to do, which is incredibly helpful. You may also want to have a look at "Common Behaviors" board http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=2.0 .

Have you ever tried to raise the issue of respecting your personal space with your F not in the moment but when things are calm? "F I know you mean well, would you mind not doing X, it feels uncomfortable to me. It is fine if you tell me, but I rather have you not touch me? It feels like an invasion of my private space." The reaction you describe is very passive aggressive and if you get it again or something similar, if he isn't open to listening to you, a change on his side but rather makes it about himself, it isn't good. DH used to what you describe sometimes and I hated it, it somehow made me feel like a little child again, I brought it up, no big deal and so now he tells me and then I deal with it. This is how it should be in a normal, non-dysfunctional relationship.

You aren't responsible for your F's feelings, even if he might make you feel this way. There is a great entry about self-victimization in the Glossary   . Your M might be enabling your F's behavior or be in denial.

Please make also sure to check out the Toolbox     to help you deal with this.

See you around  :)
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Wingwing

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Re: Offended father
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2017, 07:57:49 PM »
Thanks for the insightful reply. I'm reading those now. And thanks for validating that I'm not responsible for that feeling he had.

That's awesome that your DH had a positive response to what you said. He listened openmindedly. I had never considered telling my dad about a physical boundary (other than "stop"). It's something I will think about. I'm scared that he'd become offended again and the repercussions of that.

I have so much reading to do. Thanks for listening. It's helpful reading these similar experiences.