I forgot.

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Alifewelllived

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I forgot.
« on: September 11, 2017, 12:39:20 AM »
Can anyone recommend a book or website or even advice on the proper person to speak with about how I have blocked my mom out of my childhood memories.  I have a few memories, but they are very few.  I'm working on healing from a traumatic time with her (and realizing she has a personality disorder)...this is something I'd like to figure out.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: I forgot.
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2017, 09:50:34 AM »
Can you find a therapist who can work with cPTSD or childhood abuse, PD or toxic family systems?
∑ Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
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practical

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Re: I forgot.
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2017, 09:55:57 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

You could post here about your relationship with your M, if you feel comfortable. Sometimes looking at the present or close past, will bring back memories of the far past. We have other members who have struggled with retrieving childhood memories or had to accept their loss. A more direct avenue would be to find a therapist in your area, who has some knowledge of PDs . While I cannot come up with a specific book recommendation right now, you may want to look at our Out of the FOG-Books    and/or the Book Reviews section http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=26.0 .
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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daughterofbpd

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Re: I forgot.
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2017, 04:01:15 PM »
Hi Alifewelllived,

I'm sorry you are having problems remembering. I know how frustrating and invalidating that can be (because you canít even remember how bad the abuse was). I don't think I suffer from cPTSD and the abuse I suffered does not compare to what so many people here have gone through - yet I still am left only with a very vague recollection of my mother. My memories are almost like memories of memories Ė I know certain things happened but canít visualize them in my mind. I know there were good times with my mom too but I canít visualize them, canít feel what it felt like at the time. It leaves me questioning everything. I was told by a T that when you are in fight or flight mode, your memory doesnít always work as it should. When someone has a PD, you never know when they might explode, so youíre always kind of nervously waiting (in fight or flight mode). I think there are other reasons for the memory loss as well but Iím not an expert in that area.

For me, I have learned to trust my intuition about what happened and be okay with not remembering details. I think for some people, remembering might be part of the healing process, however. If you think you might have cPTSD then working with a therapist is probably the best way to go.

Wishing you luck with your healing journey. Take care.
ďHow starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your egoĒ
~ Amanda Torroni