PDH and I discussed separation.....not sure he understands the gravity of it all

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1footouttadefog

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My pdh continues to carry on in his long distance love affair.  He continues to write letters, send cards gift cards and money.

I again discussed that I do not like finding hidden mistakes in our check book that have been placed there to cover missing money.  I told him this all needs to stop.  He insists this is just a friend who he wants to help out because she has been through alot with cancer etc.  He compared it all to me helping out a single mother with 4 kids under age 8 who just took out a restraining order against her violent spouse who admitted to profesisonals he had homocidal ideations about here.

Hmmm. Yes it is all the same.  NOT!!!!  I don't tell my freind how much i have always lovered her since 1964 and how I thought about her the three years I spend in Vietnam.  I don't write love letters, I dont send cards and money and gifts behind my husbands back professing my emotional feelings etc.  He lies and demonizes me to his friend.  It is nice to see how he thinks about me. 

Wow just wow.  His emotional affair is CHARITY.  NO its not.  Its not the same.

I discussed how it is sick that he not only lies to me, but he lies to her.   I asked him why he lies to the other woman.  He said, sometimes there is not much to say.  WHAT??

I asked if this was a friend only why he sneaks outside  or sits in the car in the garage to talk when i am a way from the house so the kids do not hear.  WHy does she not call or write us?  ITs all sneaky and nothing is above board so its wrong and it belies inappropriate feelings and motives.

He said this is obviously not working out and we should consider separating.  I said, well yes I have been thinking about that alot lately.  I asked him if he had plans to return to where we are from.  He did not think so.  I asked him if he would try to cohabit with his "friend" he did not think that could happen.  I asked him where he thought he might go.

His answer.  I might go to Montana.  Montana?  I asked, why there.  His answer, because there is a place called Billings there and I was in operation Billings in Vietnam. 

He does not get it.  This man is beyond normal.  I told him if he stayed in the area, I would be there to help him out as a friend.  But that i did not think I could live with this all 24/7 any more.   Maybe we could put a tiny home on some land we own, I don't know.  I am thinking it is time to get some distance between my pdh and my youngest teen.  they are clashing alot.

In the days past, he has not mentioned any of this and has acted as if all is normal between us.  This is the second time of late this subject has come up.   He disassociates from our home reality and proceeds into his fantasy life.

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Skippyd

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I'm so sorry 1foot.   My wife had similar members of the opposite sex on the side.  They were, at best, emotional affairs and were probably more. 

Your discussion of him not understanding what separation would entail also hit home.  In the weeks and days leading up to our split, I had several discussions with her about my need to split if things didn't improve.   I also had very blunt discussions with her about what would happen to both of us in a divorce, particularly around finances and housing. 

I don't know what to make of her reaction but i clearly wasn't heard or accepted.  Denial?   Delusional?  Control issue?

I don't think she took my resolve seriously- I wasn't going to take all responsibility and beg for her back.  More perplexing is the financial predicament she has allowed herself to be put in.   Home eviction.    Car repossession.  Loan defaults.   No longer being a stay at home mom.    None of this seemed to be a consideration or worry for her.  Also, each passing day and event seemingly strengthens her resolve. 

Our martial circumstances leave her little recourse under the law.   I think she has delusions of selling a narrative to a judge who will save her and punish me.   

I wish I had advice for getting him to understand.   I think there's a perfect storm involved of them not accepting they lost control of us and of them not accepting they did something wrong so they will have sacrifices and consequences.   

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Hattie

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Yes, I had a conversation with my husband recently about possibly separating and I really don't think he it was really understanding the reality of it. He actually started the conversation; I think in an attempt to manipulate me, but then was taken aback when I took him seriously...
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

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1footouttadefog

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I have been in a virtually sexless marriage for decades.  This past few years there are finally physical reasons , but there were none originally.

We were sexless for the most part because I had been devalued.  Despite being fit and more than 15 years younger, he lost interest and used porn instead.

Now I do t even have his heart.  His loyalty is with another woman over the phone.  And this is the second such relationship in a row. 

I am lied to and disrespected so I see no reason to pretend we have a marriage, when he is tuned out and carrying on in a fantasy as of he was a single man.

Funny thing is he thinks it's all okay because he is not having sex.  The insane part is that he asks me about ED clinic advertisements he heard on the radio after telling me they have not had sex and he could not if he wanted to.  So I am supposed to help him research and find a solution to a problem he has not wanted to solve for us.  Wow just wow.

This man is truly mentally ill.


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1footouttadefog

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Still things seem normal enough at home.  He continues with his compulsive activities like over exercising and over eating etc.

There is again no mention or further discussion of the logistics of a separation.

He must think it's some something g we talk about to punish h when he has been a bad little boy.

The maturity level is pretty low emotionally anyway. 


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Whiteheron

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1foot - more similarities. stbx firmly believed that since we weren't having sex, the "marriage was dead" and that made it ok to cheat. This is how he convinces himself it was ok - it's my fault because I wouldn't sleep with him therefore he had to cheat.

Yours asking you to research ED remedies? That's insane.

Mine also carries on as normal, and expects me to as well, even though we are divorcing and he's cheating. It makes no sense. I have noticed an uptick in his 'compulsive activities' which are exercising and binging on sweets. It's as if he's reverted to a childhood state - eating his favorite childhood sweetened cereals, has cookies before dinner, sweetened cereal for dinner then more cookies for dessert. And it's the generic kind like his mom used to buy (we can afford name brand if that's what he wanted). It's weird to witness. I wonder if he even realizes...probably not.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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1footouttadefog

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Mine likely became disinterested in our sex life only a couple years into the marriage.  I was young and stupid and inexperienced and did not see the signs then. 

Then came the porn into our home.  He never acknowledged how much it bothered me. 

I understand that even normal men might take a look and self pleasure on occasion, but as a replacement for the real thing it's a marital issue of large proportions.

This issue came and went over the years.  I see now it's likely partially connected to him being bipolar.

Eventually our sex life devolved into him having  issues finishing.  He would ask about trying.  Want to try?  Wow, that's what it was.  It never occurred that for me it could be success every time if he wanted to put his efforts forward in a non selfish way.  We could never have those conversations
  He could never have an adult conversation that admitted I have feelings and needs.

OCD has always been present.  Yoyo dieting and exercise bulemia.  Binge and exercise.  He also abuses laxitives at times.

No that he does not work, it's all eating, exercising, reading news and ranting, porn, and obsessing over his veteran and war past.  Me and the kids hardly register on his radar.

And now I am supposed to continue on in a fake marriage while he is in a second long term emotional affair. 

My pdh is like a child and I am the mean mommy.  He has so many mother issues it is truly sad.

She was an anorexic who over fed him as an adult-child then was critical when he gained weight. 

I have no rush and will be examining g my circumstances thoroughly, but do not see myself in this for much longer.



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MaxPlanck

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Our martial circumstances leave her little recourse under the law.   I think she has delusions of selling a narrative to a judge who will save her and punish me.   

That was my XW's idea much of the time during the divorce. She clearly expected somebody (judge?) to swoop in, blame me for everything, and make everything right for her. I don't know what her lawyers told her, but she never had a grasp of the real world and how it works. She just kept up her narrative about how I abandoned everyone, and (later on) how I was simply out to destroy her, and never understood why nobody else saw this and fixed it/me.

Don't expect that to change, no matter how rudely the real world intrudes on the fantasy. PDs are not the type to step back and see that nothing is working as they expected, that they are losing every time they oppose the court. They will not assess things and try to figure out what they are doing wrong, because they are never wrong it's the rest of the world that is the problem.

My XW also did not recognize the gravity of the situation. I had told I thought we should divorce, seeing as it was a loveless marriage and not getting better. She suddenly wanted to try marriage counseling, but never wanted to put her own effort into it (this was to fix me). We had long talks about what we each needed out of the marriage (much of which for me boiled down to having my needs matter, not just hers). She ended up not being willing to do much of what I told her  all kinds of excuses for why, but generally all my fault. After months of all that, she was still surprised that I wanted to go ahead with divorce. To her, talking about it and having her tell my why she was unwilling to make changes I needed should have closed the issue. This kind of thing seems very common with PDs.

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Skippyd

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Thanks max.   That's what worries me.   First, what lows will she stoop to sell her narrative?   And, what legal expense will come of all this?

A couple years ago I had a legal dispute with my exwife about support.   My current wife became very involved and relished the fight.   There was an obsession with asking for  "emergency hearings" before a judge for them to hear the perceived injustices, regardless of there being a true legal basis for action.   I can see this happening even more in my case with her. 

I'm going to discuss with my lawyer about approaching her lawyer about reigning her in.    I'm sure her lawyer would be more than willing to run up a huge bill based on her legal fantasies but maybe he wouldn't be so willing to do so if he had doubts instilled about whether he will actually be paid for it or not. 

Like you said, I don't expect her to relent because ultimately, she is right, I am wrong, and I need to pay the price- because she will never accept reality and how it's going to be much more destructive to her than me.     
« Last Edit: September 14, 2017, 10:34:34 PM by Skippyd »

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Whiteheron

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 :yeahthat: to what everyone has said.

stbx has written his narrative, in an emergency order to the court, in hopes (I can only assume) that they judge would see how he's the victim in all of this and make it right for him by telling me it's all my fault. He must have been sorely disappointed to learn on our court date that the judge hadn't read his motion. He continues to file motions regardless of the cost (he can afford to).

His L is allowing this. My L (who knows his L professionally) has said she's never seen this kind of motion practice from his L before...so her assumption is that he's trying to get as much $$$ from stbx as he possibly can. stbx will stop at nothing until he gets what he wants.


1foot - I remember telling his T in a joint session that I felt like his mommy and that stbx was like a child. He was also overfed tons of sweets when he was a child. And his mom told him watch his weight carefully, as she did. There was (and still is) a lot of ridicule from his mom towards his sister, who is obese, because she "can't be bothered to step on a scale" to control her weight. Lots of weight judgement in that family, which was new to me, because in my family, weight was never discussed as an issue.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.