zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?

  • 14 Replies
  • 1748 Views
*

bohemian butterfly

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 684
zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« on: September 14, 2017, 12:23:29 PM »
I'm concerned.  Right now I have zero feelings for my uBPDM.   When I think of her I can't recall anything positive (even though I know that there are, she has her good moments) and I'm concerned that I perhaps have BPD as well (black/white thinking) because I'm painting her as "all bad" right now.  I have zero desire to call, text or visit her.  I feel like if I never heard from her again I would feel at peace.  This unnerves me because I feel like it is wrong, to totally blank someone out.  Is it BPD?   PTSD?  Am I mentally putting her in a box so that I don't have to deal with her?   

There have been 2 other people that I've "boxed out" as of late -  a very "negative nancy" enmeshed-type boss and a clingy, manipulative friend (who only comes to me when in a crisis).  Perhaps I'm coming Out of the FOG, but feel guilty that I have pushed these people away.  I guess I feel mean and unfeeling.  All I know is that now I can actually feel it in my soul (when anyone needy comes around) and I have felt so much better since distancing away from them.  Such a relief!

Other than the lack of feelings I have for my mother, I feel really, really good.  I feel at peace.  I feel like I can think about things.  I feel like I am growing.

So my question is this.  How do I know if I'm being BPD or if I'm just finally paying attention and pushing negative people away?  Fleas or normal reactive protective measures?   

I just really don't want to be like my mother..........   either cutting people off and/or enmeshed/codependent.

*

Malini

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1533
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2017, 12:57:11 PM »
It sounds to me as if you are slowly detaching emotionally from your BPDM and that can only be a good thing.

Sadly, for many of us, coming OOTF with our parents, does really open our eyes to the other unhealthy relationships we are in and it is very common for us to end relationships with long time close friends, reevaluate working relationships, etc, coming OOTF does have a domino effect. I say sadly, because letting go of those unhealthy and often abusive relationships is often linked to feelings of loss and grief, some times loneliness as well, so it is not all a bed of roses.

However, thankfully, the overriding emotions are those you mention like feeling peace, feeling better, calm, growing as a person etc.

I don't think you're BPD and don't think what you describe is PTSD. It's part of the process of gaining distance and disentangling yourself from relationships which were harmful to your wellbeing. It's you acting in a healthy way as you grow emotionally.

Good for you. :applause:


"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

*

moglow

  • Retired Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 15915
  • >^..^<
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2017, 03:20:50 PM »
I'd venture a guess that this is a natural and much needed mental/emotional response on your part, knowing that you're on overload and need to take a large step to the side. That step need be neither permanent nor "all or nothing," but sometimes you just need it. It's not punitive [to get back at or prove something to her/them], but frankly sounds like good self care. I suspect that's unfamiliar territory for you, and why it concerns you.


Honestly, you don't sound angry or vindictive or even making jokes at her expense - that might concern me. You *sound* peaceful and probably relieved for it. Go with that, as far as it takes you. I doubt seriously a borderline personality would question those things, if that helps at all.

"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

*

daughterofbpd

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1219
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2017, 04:35:53 PM »
If it is any consolation, I feel that way too. I feel like my mom must have some redeeming qualities but I just can't remember them...I keep thinking "Did she always act like this??!" (obnoxious, annoying, etc). I think maybe we've been hurt too many times and detach emotionally but we're also more aware of their behavior and now we can't unsee things that we didn't notice in the past...? I used to walk away from friends really easily too (if I thought their behavior was unhealthy). I always thought being detached was my way of dealing. I questioned if I lacked empathy or caring for awhile but then I notice that I can be a very empathetic and caring person in other situations. To me, it is just a coping mechanism.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

*

bohemian butterfly

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 684
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2017, 04:53:45 PM »
Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it!

I also feel like I'm burnt out.  So many years of living in the fog.  Having anxiety and feeling uncomfortable when FOO was around, but just dealing with it (squirming inside, constantly looking for an escape route, knowing something was wrong, but not knowing what, feeling crazy, alone).  I think that now that I've come at least halfway Out of the FOG, I'm just tired.  I have nothing to say to her because nothing will change (I can't change, control, etc)  I can't go back to how I used to be (codependent, enmeshed, passive, complacent) and perhaps I'm just resting.  I just have zero desire to connect with her.  I also realize that there was never a "true" bond.  It was all fake. 

Right now (like right this very minute) I feel free.  I long for this feeling to last, but know that as soon as I get another text, call, etc, I'll change to only being halfway free (she will still in my life but at least it will be on my terms - medium chill, detached).  I lacked awareness and skill (tools) before, but now I at least have a fighting chance.  Hoping someday to have full freedom.
« Last Edit: September 14, 2017, 04:57:21 PM by bohemian butterfly »

*

moglow

  • Retired Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 15915
  • >^..^<
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2017, 05:08:13 PM »
You'll get there when you get there, BB. Let your body and mind be your guide. There's nothing wrong with listening to yourself rather than others and their stuff. That's what got you where you've been a change if direction may do you more good than you think!
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

*

biggerfish

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1052
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2017, 05:11:30 PM »
A PD parent can do fun things with their kids for reasons other than their love for their kids, such as recognition, competition with other parents, feeling superior, and so on.

The adult child of such a parent, when reflecting on "fun" memories,  might feel confused, as in "I know it was fun and positive, but why aren't the memories warm ones?"

(Granted, all parents are probably occasionally motivated by something self-serving. The difference is a matter of degree.)

I, too, have some good memories from childhood but I'm detached from them. They're not warm. So yeah, I think you've become self-aware and are taking good care of yourself.

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 17210
  • You can be free and heal ❤️‍🩹
    • One Key to Better Boundaries
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2017, 05:51:05 PM »
You're second post above reads to me as if you're perhaps in a place of acceptance. For me once acceptance came my feelings just sort of fell flat toward the PD people in my life. I felt neither love nor hate, almost as if there was just no feeling at all because I had accepted they are what they are and it is what it is and nothing I do is going to change their reality.

"just really don't want to be like my mother..........   either cutting people off and/or enmeshed/codependent" because you're not being enmeshed and codependent. There's a huge difference between getting insulted or angry and suddenly cutting people off vs stepping off the hamster wheel of the abuse cycle. Quietly setting someone free to live their life with their own consequences and deciding you don't have time for abuse is a lot different then cutting people off because you don't get your way.
« Last Edit: September 14, 2017, 06:22:25 PM by Spring Butterfly »
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth,Gentle Boundaries,Emotional Healing blog

*

daughterofbpd

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1219
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2017, 06:14:25 PM »
I can so relate to feeling tired. I went from feeling anger and hate to eventually just feeling tired. I have some empathy now, I'm starting to understand why she is the way she is, the anger is fading and I'm just left feeling tired from it all. I think it means we are healing...
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

*

azurite

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 61
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2017, 03:53:31 AM »
I was exhausted for a long long time when i came OOTF. Like, flat out exhausted, get up in the morning just to go back to bed tired. It went away after a while. Let your body tell you what you need. If you need to sleep, sleep. I believe it was the constant nonstop anxiety and living with a volcano that could blow at any moment for any reason.

I also believe that where you are is a good place. Just a flatline...it is acceptance and understanding and seeing things the way they really are. Well done.


*

Blueskies

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 375
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2017, 08:40:05 AM »
I don't think this is black and white thinking or at all disfunctional. Feeling you need to step away from someone who is abusing you and won't stop is actually a healthy reaction. I wonder if you are judging yourself here. Not tolerating aduse and control has nothing to do with having PD symptoms. Don't put a whole lot of extra 'shoulds' on yourself.

I wish I had stepped away properly when I felt nothing...now I have got pulled back in emotionally and am in a lot of pain. I know I can't be in touch unless she changes and I know she won't. Sometimes you have to protect yourself...it's not the same as seeing them as 'all bad'....it's knowing what you can handle and what you can't.

I get sucked back in easily too. I am not going to read any messages or take any phone calls for a while.

*

bohemian butterfly

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 684
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2017, 01:09:55 PM »
You're second post above reads to me as if you're perhaps in a place of acceptance. For me once acceptance came my feelings just sort of fell flat toward the PD people in my life. I felt neither love nor hate, almost as if there was just no feeling at all because I had accepted they are what they are and it is what it is and nothing I do is going to change their reality.

"just really don't want to be like my mother..........   either cutting people off and/or enmeshed/codependent" because you're not being enmeshed and codependent. There's a huge difference between getting insulted or angry and suddenly cutting people off vs stepping off the hamster wheel of the abuse cycle. Quietly setting someone free to live their life with their own consequences and deciding you don't have time for abuse is a lot different then cutting people off because you don't get your way.

I really appreciate you saying this to me.  I never even realized it, but you are right, I am getting to the acceptance stage.  It sort of snuck up on me!!!!  For so long I was stuck in anxiety and then anger.  Now I'm like a blank slate.  I've had some space from her and it feels really, really good.  I know that I have some challenges in the future if I chose to keep her in my life (holidays, visits, the never-ending invasive questions) but I feel (at least right now) that I've come a long way (or at least made some headway!)  If you would have told me last December that I would go 9 months without physically seeing my parents, I would have been disbelieving, but it's true, I did it. 

I fear being my mother so much, everything I do, I analyze.  Isn't that horrible?  The one person who should have been an example for me, and I can't even confide and/or mimic her.

When I was 11 or 12, I asked my mom if I could take piano lessons (we had a piano and it was my mother's dream to learn the piano) because she seemed to enjoy it so much.  My mother said, "no, piano playing is mine."    As a child I was crushed.  When I think about it now, it doesn't surprise me.  It's hard to admit to myself that my mother didn't truly love me and want what was best for me.  She took care of us (fed and clothed us, helped us with homework) but as a developing person, she was not a guiding force.  It seems (looking back in time) that she was self-serving and lacked motherly love.  I can sit here now and be OK with that.  I'm tired because I realize that with everything in life (that I've just given up on) is due to the fact that as a child I was made to feel totally helpless and powerless.  Mother was the queen and we were just her pawns.  I thought that she had gotten better with age, but I've just realized that she has just changed tactics.  Instead of saying "no" now she just offends or is sarcastic and passive aggressive.  It's amazing how calm I feel typing out the aforementioned, it's like I always knew but could never admit or put my finger on it.

So I have no feelings now because as a child I had no rights, no power.  Now I do but I realize that the normal bond between parent and child was not severed, but was quite simply never there.  So the emptiness I feel (and the freedom) is the realization that there is no connection, there is no bond, there is no respect, there is no comfort.  But the beauty is that now I can give this to myself.  She will always be her and if I continue to look for changes in her, I will be disappointed, so I will walk forward without her (emotionally) and I will be 100% OK.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and thank you for reading my aforementioned stream of consciousness.  It is very therapeutic to type it all out.  I hope that my words help another as you all have helped (and will continue to help) me.

*

smarty

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 87
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2017, 10:53:16 AM »
This stream was helpful and therapeutic for me too! and like you wrote BB, you(we!) will walk forward without her and be OK....we mourn then accept that we always have been walking without our mothers, and we made it out and grew up without her. The realization that you survived that,and matured on your own is empowering and for me made me realize 'ok, youre gonna be fine, because you made it here on your own despite the odds and despite the hurtles she threw at you!'
Writing out publicly that you dont love your mother and there is no bond is so powerful. I even remember the first times I dared to say it to myself(in my head,not even out loud!)...it seemed like blasphemy, but now it does strangely bring me peace to say it,because like you it makes me feel relieved and relaxed to just be honest with myself and others and be at a place of acceptance of how things are. I know I do love others,and am loved,so I dont fear the 'what if I AM like her,what if I dont know love?' question, and I feel sympathy for her that she may never know or feel it.

*

overitall

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 368
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2017, 10:34:13 AM »
As difficult as it may seem, after enduring 40+ years of putdowns, insults, emotional abuse, etc., I also have zero feeling for uBPDm....if I ever feel any sort of emotion at all, it is only rage....sadly, this is still true....I have done the therapy, no contact, lots and lots of work on myself, relationships, etc., but I still cannot fathom how one person could be so cruel to their own child.

If 99% of the population would have endured what I have with my uBPDm, I believe the result would be exactly the same...life is too short for the drama, trauma, and negativity :yeahthat:

*

Shockwave

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 490
  • Begins, Falls, Rises: The Origins of a Hero
Re: zero feelings right now for uBPDm, is this normal?
« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2017, 04:40:00 AM »
Maybe it's just good ol' fashioned burnout. After all, you've been subjected to the fire of emotional/verbal abuse from a uPD for so long it can seem a bit weird to not have feelings and want to pull back. Self-preservation and all that good stuff. Of course, when you're away from them, you feel wonderful, at peace, and good about life, right? That's your body, mind, soul and gut all saying the same thing.
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight