Pursuing Revenge, Part II: When You Finally Strike Back and Achieve Your Revenge

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Shockwave

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My uBPD/uNPD mother wanted me to be a doctor. My uNPD father wanted me to be a big-shot lawyer.

I wound up being neither or these things.  ;D

Growing up, I was told many things, but of the negative variety, all throughout not just childhood, but into adulthood as well. Things such as "You can't solve ANY problems, how are you going to be an engineer?" or "He's never going to amount to $#!+" while talking to my sister about me behind my back thinking I wasn't listening (I heard the entire conversation), or "He'll never lose any weight!" when I finally bought my own workout equipment and carved out space to work out indoors inside their pack-rat laden garage (think a really bad episode of "Hoarders", complete with those little carved-out pathways to get through to the other side). I've dealt with a LOT of crap over the years from not just my biological relations, but so-called friends (frenemies), as well as teachers, strangers and people who just wanted to see me not succeed, taken down a notch or ten, or just want to laugh at my misery.

It was the fuel for my anger and desire for revenge. For decades, really. I used it and channeled it to work hard, succeed whenever and wherever I could, and get ahead however I could. I dreamed one day, I would be able to walk back on my terms and they couldn't say $#!+ to me because despite their best efforts to try to take me down, destroy me, and kill me (both literally and figuratively speaking), not only did I survive, I succeeded where others perished. It's hard sometimes to admit that anger and revenge are what drove you, not love.

I remember the day I achieved the revenge I long sought. The look on their face was priceless. They had tried to take me down emotionally yet again, but this time, I could cut them out for good. Never come back. I had no desire to. For I had a new home. One could say, I finally *had* a home! Even if it wasn't a house, it was a home. A place to feel safe, a place to rest and recover. They couldn't take this away from you like they tried to take everything and anything else away from you. It also came at a high price (which I'll touch upon in a much more inspiring, uplifting post in this series soon).

For me, revenge was still not worth it, but it was one hell of a motivator!
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

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Blueskies

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I think sometimes anger can help us separate and help us survive. I'm glad you've found happiness and security for yourself. Is it 'revenge'? It sounds like a way of proving yourself and standing up for yourself rather than revenge.

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all4peace

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Good for you! Lots of pain and hard work got you where you are. I'm sorry you definitely didn't get the parents you needed, but it sounds like you are really resilient and clawed your way up through life despite this. Nice work!!

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bopper

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Great!  You need to make your own goals and not rely on them for validation.

Because you know if you lost weight and worked out and got buff, you would just hear "I can't believe he spends so much time on working out. Doesn't he have anything better to do?"
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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bopper

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I think sometimes anger can help us separate and help us survive. I'm glad you've found happiness and security for yourself. Is it 'revenge'? It sounds like a way of proving yourself and standing up for yourself rather than revenge.

it's revenge in the sense of "The Best Revenge is Living Well"
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Shockwave

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Indeed to the best revenge is living well, but proving everyone wrong in the process. :)

I have to admit, some days, I do want to rub their faces in it. But they do not care. They didn't care back then, don't care now. I had already written a thread about the family I never had and the love I never got from them. I'm at peace with that, and a lot more nowadays.
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

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biggerfish

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Amen to everything that's been said. Oh and Shockwave? We're all proud of you here at ootf. Just sayin'.