uBPD pushing for a visit - not sure about my boundries

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Tried2bZen

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uBPD pushing for a visit - not sure about my boundries
« on: September 21, 2017, 02:56:47 PM »
So, my uBPDM lives overseas and had a fallout fight with my wife last year during her visit with us in the US.

The 2 of them haven't spoken since, and back then, I was really firmly decided on permanently going "no face-to-face" contact. So, I have been communicating with my parents since then via phone and Skype which kind of worked for a while.

Lately uBPDM started efforts to make us come visit them overseas on "neutral" ground (she booked a place at vacation destination and suggested we come there). I asked her, how she would imagine that working out with her and my wife not having spoken for a year, and how we would just "reproduce" last year's results.

That just ended up in her blaming my wife and her asking me, if she was aware that it would be eventually my wife's fault if they would not get to see their only grandchild (anyone see the irony here -  :roll: :smug:). So I told her we weren't coming which she kind of respected...

However, now she brought up another idea of how we could  in Europe so that they would get to see their grandchild. The grandchild part is really were my feeling guilty kicks-in, and I caught myself contemplating, "just seeing them in Europe for a few days" to get over with it. However "last year me" remembers that I never wanted to do that again but I am getting really anxious about parrying all those visit suggestions.

Any ideas/feedback?

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practical

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Re: uBPD pushing for a visit - not sure about my boundries
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2017, 03:11:37 PM »
PDparents don't become wonderful grandparents, they become PDgrandparents. If your child is still fairly young, it is supply for her as children give unconditional love, if your child is older, in a worst case scenario she triangulates and manipulates. She doesn't have a right to see her grandchild however much she might hop up and down and say so. Not seeing her/him is a consequence of her behavior. Given that she put all the blame squarely on your DW, it doesn't seem she has any grasp of her role in this and that doesn't bode well for any kind of meeting. Also "a few days" is a very long time when dealing with a PDparent. I have the overseas issue too, and so it never feels right to just come by for coffee, but why? B who lives in the same country as my parents does just that and usually only once a year. So why does adding a 0 to the distance prohibit us oversea people from doing so? I think that is FOG thinking, after all there is the phone, Skype, email, so it isn't like 200 years ago when a letter would take weeks. So, if you are in Europe anyway and close to your parents, consider meeting them for a meal at some restaurant and then go your separate ways again. My M usually could be on her best behavior for a couple of hours in public (in private not necessarily), so that might give you a safe buffer zone. In no way do I mean to suggest you should meet with your parents, this is simply a safe way in case you decide to.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Tried2bZen

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Re: uBPD pushing for a visit - not sure about my boundries
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2017, 03:27:24 PM »
Thanks, practical! I definitely agree it is probably definitely FOG thinking on my end. Just thinking about suggesting the coffee meeting makes my toes curl  :)

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Fightsong

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Re: uBPD pushing for a visit - not sure about my boundries
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2017, 03:59:10 PM »
So the idea makes your toes curl but you feel obliged, because of the grandchild? So really she doesn't want a relationship with you (all) but wants a cuddle with a cutie pie??  Well she doesn't automatically get that. I am struggling with the idea of PD parent stiving for a relationship with grandchildren independent of one with me/ us/ the parents. It's alarm bells all the way to my ears.   

If the idea of coffee makes toes curl then step very carefully. It can be done with careful planning, and decent escape mechanisms. And a good sense of yourself. But where is your wife in that? At home? By your side?  In the hotel bar? 

Obligation is not functional. It is dysfunctional. And we can choose to step away from dysfunctional
Obligation. If we choose to make contact, then we must remain very aware of the obligation game at play.  Arguably seeing it protects us, thereby allowing us to do things part of us wants to do but to our own script. Not the old one. Agency. The right to live authentically  in our own right. And make our own choices. And choosing when where and with whom you vacation is very much your choice.

The experience of significant family dysfunction wipes out any 'benefit' that grandparent roles  might bring. 

Good luck x

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Tried2bZen

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Re: uBPD pushing for a visit - not sure about my boundries
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2017, 04:32:19 PM »
Thanks, Fightsong! You are somehow able to put my "vague gut feeling" into specific words!

A good question about where my wife would be in this! BPDM has tried to lure me into seeing them without my wife, but I let her know that she can't just cut my wife out of the picture (we are a package deal!).

She tried to do the same with my sister and her H, and, when that didn't work, she eventually broke off contact with them. They, however, don't have any children, so "no little one supply" there (as Practical put it  ;)).

Thanks so much!!!

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bopper

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Re: uBPD pushing for a visit - not sure about my boundries
« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2017, 06:44:51 PM »
as you think about this, think about how grandparents can groom the grandkids away from the parents:

https://narcissisticmil.wordpress.com/2015/07/11/grandparent-grooming-1-what-it-looks-like/

Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.