The medication is to blame

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Alifewelllived

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The medication is to blame
« on: September 17, 2017, 11:23:00 PM »
My mom and I texted for a bit tonight after not communicating for a couple weeks.   She laid into me about how she appreciates me and hopes one day I will appreciate her.  I don't even know what she is talking about with all that.  She's always saying that I must not like Her very much.  I love her, but it IS hard to like someone who is constantly insulting you, being negative, rude, and then blowing up at you for defending yourself. We've lived apart for little over a year now after an epic meltdown on her part and I had to ask her to move out of our house.  She seems to accept the blame for what happened and keeps apologizing for it, but then says it was the prednisone that she was on and that some people even kill themselves when on that...I guess I'm supposed to be glad she only made our lives miserable and caused huge emotional and financial stress on my family due to her behavior?   I don't get it at all.
« Last Edit: September 17, 2017, 11:25:45 PM by Alifewelllived »

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Miss Teri

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Re: The medication is to blame
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2017, 09:01:24 AM »
How long was she on the prednisone? Is she still on it? My mother has made similar statements when I've tried to call her out for the hurtful things she's said and done. She will claim her medications made her forgetful, or that there are so many things she can't do now that she used to be able to do, like keeping up with dishes or any sort of house cleaning, etc. But then I look at the bigger picture. She hasn't always been on medication, yet she's conveniently forgotten many things that were important to me, and a clean house has never really been her priority. She's always got an excuse. Medications are just the current one.

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She laid into me about how she appreciates me and hopes one day I will appreciate her.

This says it all to me. It's a very guilt-trippy, manipulative thing someone with a martyr complex might say. And any apology that comes with a "but" after it is not really an apology. It's an excuse. Look at her words and behavior and how they've played out in your life over the long term. Was it just while she was on prednisone that she made your lives miserable? Or did it happen before and after? And does it escalate when you confront her with it? These questions won't change her behavior, but they may help you to see it for what it is and help you avoid doing the dysfunctional dance once again.

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daughterofnarcs

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Re: The medication is to blame
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2017, 11:03:10 AM »
Let's give it a thought that it could have been the medication but...
1. IF you know the medication is giving you weird side effects, you talk to your doctor to get it changed
2. IF you realize later it was the medication, you apologize sincerely without guilt trips.

Either way, another convenient excuse.

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Alifewelllived

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Re: The medication is to blame
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2017, 01:43:34 PM »
She took it off and on for 15 years. So, I don't know...she has said rude things to me my whole life and has been unstable...but that level of crazy only happened when she moved  in with my family.
Christmas 2015 she decided to stop taking the prednisone on her own volition...and while family was visiting she went off on me for an entire day...screaming at me, I couldn't believe it..,she kept saying she wanted peace and I wouldn't leave her alone because I kept saying she didn't seem quite like herself and I was worried about her, but I think I just didn't know that THAT was herself.  She was in hysterics. Then right after everyone left she goes, "oh, I forgot I took these pain pills, that must have made me act that way." And poof, like that she thought everything was fine.
But my dad slipped up and said to my husband that he was surprised I bought it about the pain pills.  I didn't buy it, but I sure didn't want all that screaming to continue.
Let's give it a thought that it could have been the medication but...
1. IF you know the medication is giving you weird side effects, you talk to your doctor to get it changed
2. IF you realize later it was the medication, you apologize sincerely without guilt trips.

Either way, another convenient excuse.

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moglow

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Re: The medication is to blame
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2017, 03:26:44 PM »
When all else fails, blame the medication? Apologies accepted but she needs to realize it's her behavior you don't appreciate - and you won't appreciate it next time either. Thing is, obviously she knew she was acting out. Once you have that awareness, it behooves you to amend your behavior. She needs to find a better way.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Alifewelllived

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Re: The medication is to blame
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2017, 11:21:01 PM »
When all else fails, blame the medication? Apologies accepted but she needs to realize it's her behavior you don't appreciate - and you won't appreciate it next time either. Thing is, obviously she knew she was acting out. Once you have that awareness, it behooves you to amend your behavior. She needs to find a better way.

I agree, but she says she's 71 and it's too late to change her ways, everyone should think she's a delightful old crotchety lady, except she's not.

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Zebrastriped

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Re: The medication is to blame
« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2017, 11:06:47 AM »
Alifewellived, wow, your mother lived with you for any length of time.  If I tried that, someone would end up convicted or committed.  My uBPDmother has the medication and pain, all of her negativity is directed at my dad, just the way you describe it directed at you.  It was directed at me in the far past, but I moved out and she never captured me again.  I visit once a week now, attempting to help them age in place, but its more as an errand runner than trying to be her daughter.  When she gets started on critisizing my dad, I bolt.  I agree she might not be able to change her ways, but you certainly can change what you do.

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daughter

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Re: The medication is to blame
« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2017, 11:23:49 AM »
PD-disordered parents aren't likely to take true ownership of their bad behavior.  It's always someone or something else's fault.  There's denial, obfuscation, a profound lack of accountability for their bad choices and bad behavior, and for inappropriateness and unreasonableness of their demands and expectations.  Any apology forthcoming is likely a "I'm sorry you misunderstood me, I didn't do it, but you made me do it, so it's not my fault, it's really yours; you need to accept that I'm an extra-special super-sensitive person who needs extra-consideration and lots of special accommodation" non-apology blame-shifting statement.  So yes, "it's the meds" is the excuse, but the fact is that you're a "safe target" for releasing her irritations, the recipient of the bad behavior reflective of her disordered sense of self-entitlement.