Medium chill and feeling rude

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bohemian butterfly

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Medium chill and feeling rude
« on: September 29, 2017, 01:47:01 PM »
One of the hardest things for me right now is medium chill and the feeling of being rude.

Example:  I just received a text from my mother.  She told me that she hopes I have a great weekend and informed me that they would be traveling with some friends.  I know that I don't have to reply back, but the people pleaser, "nice" dutiful daughter that she raised (me) feels like I have to reply.  I was raised to say please, thank you, respecting my elders, etc and I'm just having a hard time fighting these ingrained behaviors.  I especially feel mean because it "feels" like she is trying to get close to me.  Then again, I asked for space...........  and she is already close to me (enmeshed).  I feel like any comment she makes is a test or a trick.  It just isn't natural at all.

If I don't reply, I feel like she will use this against me in the future ("you never call, text me.  You never reply back to my texts, etc")  How do I respond to that?  Because it's true, I don't. 

But I do know that if she asks me why I'm not actively communicating with her that I shouldn't JADE.

Yikes, this is hard.  I hope that this gets easier with time.

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coyote

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Re: Medium chill and feeling rude
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2017, 02:08:05 PM »
bohemian,
In my situation it has gotten easier with time. I think it is because I am more proficient with implementing MC and I am more OOTF so I don't feel the fear, obligation, and guilt tugging at me like before. Of course she will use it against you in the future. But then if not that she will find something else you have done wrong.

I still say please, thank you, yes sir, no mam, etc. Being polite does not mean though that I have to allow abuse, from anyone. I can be polite and still set boundaries, insist on my space, not respond to texts, or whatever else I need to do for my own mental health. If asked why I don't call, text, etc: "I don't want to", or "I don't like abuse"  and leave it at that. No JADEing, no Circular Conversations, it is just a fact and that's that.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed and you haven’t been. -Marcus Aurelius

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Fightsong

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Re: Medium chill and feeling rude
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2017, 02:59:21 PM »
Hello Butterfly,

It will get better you know? You wont always feel you have to tie yourself in knots over ever interaction. One day you will be freer in heart and soul and mind and these  'little things' wont send you into a full on spin. One day, when you are truly freer and some more healing has taken place.

You only saw her recently, Remember - every interaction is painful - you have probably not healed from that quite yet  ( I know how victorious you felt after that interaction, but even so the damage takes place). Self care and compassion need to be your watch words here.

You are struggling with rudeness, and with the truth of  the fact that you have distanced  - and that it might be thrown back at you. Yes you have distanced for very good reasons, and found it very healing, AND THAT IS OKAY. THAT IS YOUR CHOICE. Healthy people can accept our distance and honor our space and privacy. You do not need to justify your need for privacy, space and healing. And you will get over the rudeness of it.  It seems like you are concerned with whats the 'right' thing to do here. And you know - there probably isn't one actually.  If you reply a 'thanks very much' - you  wont necessarily be 'giving in to her' . And if you don't respond you wont necessarily be 'being rude'. After all she hasn't asked for a response, hasn't asked a question, maybe it doesn't need a response? She has given you information that's all. And you may need to do some being rude to get over that dutiful feeling. 

But Think about what the steps are in your particular dance of dysfunction. Is this in fact an attempt to get you into a chatty textual to and fro as if 'everything was alright?' is that what you feel? Is replying the next step in a well worn well known dance? If so  just don't dance. It doesn't matter much what you do do. Just don't do what she means you to do. Don't do what you know you are 'meant ' to do. Does that make sense?

And before you do anything get a good session of self compassion and self care in the bank first - what ever that means for you right now.  No text needs an immediate reply.

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moglow

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Re: Medium chill and feeling rude
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2017, 04:08:13 PM »
Every text or call doesn't require a response, something mine doesn't understand either. If she calls and doesn't leave a message or ask a question, I consider a response optional.


That said if she asks a question for which I don't have an answer, I don't make one up. I don't engage other that I don't know, have you asked (insert appropriate source here). No, she doesn't like it but seriously? Not thefount of all knowledge and not interested in circular debate.


What's rude about simply acknowledging the text with "thanks, you too!" Noncommittal. Inoffensive. Your business is still your business unless/until you choose to share.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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bopper

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Re: Medium chill and feeling rude
« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2017, 05:25:18 PM »
If the texter was a good friend/relative: " She told me that she hopes I have a great weekend and informed me that they would be traveling with some friends." This means she hopes you have a good weekend and she is travelling with some friends.

If the texter is a PDer:  " She told me that she hopes I have a great weekend and informed me that they would be traveling with some friends."  This means 1) I will text you when I want, so don't tell me to stay away 2) I am fishing for info from you...I told you what I am doing, so tell me what you are doing   3) I am in the hoovering part of the abuse cycle

So always ask yourself:  Do I respond as a "normal person" or "a PD victim"...If it is normal, than your gut feeling of responding is of course correct.  But with a PDer, you have to respond in a different way (or not at all).

For a normal person. responding with "Have a great time!" means "I am happy for you and am investing a tiny bit of social capital for this relationship because I value it" 

For a PDers, it means "I am allowing you (or letting you think I am allowing you) to make me respond and make me tell you what I am up to."
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Medium chill and feeling rude
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2017, 02:50:10 AM »
What's rude about simply acknowledging the text with "thanks, you too!" Noncommittal. Inoffensive. Your business is still your business unless/until you choose to share.
:yeahthat:

I've struggled with feeling rude as well. I've found that a short & polite answer works well for me. Think of how you might speak to an acquaintance. If someone told you to have a good weekend, you'd likely reply "you too!" Sometimes that opens the door to more questions & conversation so I reply slowly or short answers if I don't feel like "talking" (texting) more. My typical responses are "have fun!" Or "have a safe drive." I think it's a good strategy because it makes it harder for the PD to accuse you of being rude or uncaring (at least in my case). I like sticking with the "nothing is wrong/ just busy" approach to avoid circular conversations about why I'm not sharing as much as I used to.

Hope that helps.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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MyLifeToo

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Re: Medium chill and feeling rude
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2017, 06:28:28 AM »
BButterfly, thank you for starting this thread, I feel exactly the same. Being polite is just SO engrained in our psyches. It is hard!

I know I'm being hoovered at the moment, and I keep falling for it and forgetting to MC. But it's just so refreshing to chat with my nbpm and have her listen to my little comments etc, but I kick myself afterwards. I even invited her to come and stay for a week. Of course she was pleased with the invite, but had to get the dig in "will you be able to put up with me for a week?". That felt like a slap in the face and annoyed me for hours afterwards. Of course I just laughed it off at the time.

She's started to send me silly FB things in messenger, in the middle of the night, and calling me just before she knows I go to bed. I get the full on waif if I don't reply. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Thank you coyote for reminding me it doesn't matter, because she will either use this or  some other misdemeanor to put me down when she's back in pd mode

Bopper, I love your comparison of pd versus non-pd. I've struggled with such feelings all my life and thought there must be something wrong with me to always feel so suspicious, or paranoid at certain seemingly innocent interactions. The more I read here the more it confirms that it's not me, it really is my mother.