And it starts again.......

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eternallystuck

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And it starts again.......
« on: September 24, 2017, 02:47:54 PM »
So I thought I was doing well stepping on eggshells around my PD intensely aggressive M & using medium chill/gray rock.

I knew it wouldn't last long, I've had anxiety just waiting on it. She will find any excuse to blow up in my face, spew me with venom then kick me out

Since I moved back 3 weeks ago (against my will) I've already had various 'threats' to kick me out & 'if you're going to live in my house'.

She has been using ridic petty small things to do this as well. I don't want to give details away but, just pathetic things.

I'm pretty sure her & her bf who has serious fleas are plotting to find any reason to get rid of me even tho i'm in my room tryna keep out the way 99% of the time. I mean I couldn't actually be more isolated, quiet & depressed. I think she's rumbled that I've been disengaging & so its difficult for her to bait me & get rid me of asap.

At this point he has become a full on enabler & I'm get increasingly sick of his passive aggressive snark comments. He obv feels entitled to join in. He's a total weirdo/loser but that's typical for M. She was never going to attract someone relatively normal.

It feels like I could be part of the wallpaper, silent 24/7 & she would still find a way to come at me in a flit of rage

I just can't deal with this **** anymore. She just sent me an abusive message basically threatening me again.

She knows I am weak at the moment & that I need to stay for a few months so she has stepped it up a notch . I knew a big blow out was coming my way. I'm sure u all know the signs

I am a literally a bag of nerves, I told her i can't do this and she started her usual booohoooo turn on the water works & raging at me. Its like when I'm at breaking point & begging them to leave me alone they belittle me further.

They are not getting it. I really am not well. I am really, really not well.

Part of me is just considering sleeping on the street. It actually feels like a better option. What the hell is my life.

Honestly when I look her in the eyes, shes MAD, mad. Completely off it. She has completely lost any sense that I'm her D

I can't stop crying at the moment. I'm literally trying to pull myself thru uni with so much crap on & its like shes not at peace unless i'm lifeless & crying my heart out

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MyLifeToo

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Re: And it starts again.......
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2017, 03:45:20 PM »
Oh that's really terrible. I'm afraid I'm really not qualified in any way to give you advice, apart from you need to see your doctor asap.

I just wanted to reply so you know you have my warm sympathy. 

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Aingeal

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Re: And it starts again.......
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2017, 06:27:46 PM »
I'm so sorry you are going through this.  My NPDm is out of control right now as well.  I call this the emotional beatdown.   My mother rages and finds tiny things to pick on, like you said ridiculously small things. Honestly I missed a spot when cleaning (no -  seriously) and she went on and on about it.   I work 40+ hours a week and commute so maybe - Yes, I'm in a hurry to clean kitchen, bathroom and my area.  Sorry it isn't perfect but I am EXHAUSTED from the constant remarks, put downs, rages etc..... oh, yes and the particular expression she uses when she doesn't say a thing but looks like she just bit into a lemon.

It's some kind of emotional abuse but I'm still learning about it.  It's like how a hen pecks at the ground - constant.  Constant abuse when in her presence but mixed with a few nice moments - just enough to keep you off balance and then the rage.   I thought it was her age, becoming more agressive in her later years but now I think she's just out of control - MAD - just nasty constantly (well, only to family).

I have to get out of my house also - ASAP.   Please don't give up.  I found that the local housing authority in my town may be able to help me.  I've also found a few small places that I can afford.  I don't mind sharing an apartment.   I'm even fine with renting a room in a strangers house - I need to get my bearings.  I just found out that my living situation is changing soon (long story - My family home is soon to be sold (NPD mother lured me back home with the promise of inheriting the family home.  "Move back home, It's going to be left to you in the will anyway"  pure lie)

I hope you can get back to your doctor to address the medical issues but also please talk to the hospital social worker (or patient advocate) about your living situation.   They have so many resources - it could help you escape your living situation sooner.   Our NPD's tend to make everything worse by adding that extra layer of stress to it (I know all about walking on eggshells and hiding 99% of the time to avoid NPDm.   

Don't give up - you can do this!

Hugs
Aingeal

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eternallystuck

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Re: And it starts again.......
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2017, 08:19:23 PM »
Thanks guys. I am starting CBT soon but I still find it ridic I have to do that just to cope.

Thanks Aingeal, seems like we have very similar living conditions. Even when they don't speak you can feel the tension in the air & can see it in their expression. They make it seem like a crime that you're still breathing.

I can believe it, nothing you do is good enough. Like you said u feel exhausted. Its relentless. To make it worse I think my M has OCD as well. I dunno why, no one visits the house lol.

Yeah I feel the same about mine, she's just vile. The nicest she can get with me is a snarky joke at my expense. I'm like WOW, I am really feeling the maternal LOVE. I notice a lot of people with PD's have that too, a really insecure catty sense of humour.

It definitely is emotional abuse but what I'm tryna understand is where this spite comes from. She never opens up emotionally but its like shes convinced herself she is justified in the way she treats me. Like I have done her wrong. I just have to laugh, she has NO idea the damage she has done & how hard I have to work to try & heal myself from it. Obv I know whatever it is will be some warped **** but I'm so intrigued to find what it 'is' about me that shes convinced herself I must be treated like a non-human & driven into the ground.

Oh believe me I'm itching to get out ASAP too. By god breathing air miles away from her is like heaven. Thing is I only moved back a couple of weeks ago, I'm still on the job hunt & I'm moving out as soon as I have a job cos I just know how bad she can make me. She's been on my case since I stepped through the door. Like give me strength. When I'm at my worst I start getting the fleas too & that is when I know I need to get the hell out. I think that needs to be my priority tho, you can't put a price on your mental health!!

Hahaha aingeal sounds like my M. I didn't know until the estate agent rang her in front of me but she is downsizing to a 3 bed deliberately so I would not have my own room there. How kind. You can't trust anything an NPD M says, they're full of it.

I think that's a good idea, I need to talk to someone & devise my escape route!

I will try my best  :bighug:

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bopper

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Re: And it starts again.......
« Reply #4 on: September 28, 2017, 05:04:17 PM »
Are there any other relatives/friends you could stay with?
If you do leave, take anything you would ever want with you.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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eternallystuck

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Re: And it starts again.......
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2017, 09:06:20 AM »
Bopper, no unfortunately. My only choice is to save up asap to move out permanently again