What to do now?

[thduda]

This website has been a blessing for me and I am at a pivotal moment where I have to make a new decision. I am scapegoat in a sibling group of 3 since toddler age. Dad, NPD, sadistically scapegoated me. Taught my two sisters to do the same. Put up with it until age 50 when dad's mother -my grandmother passed away inn 2015-grandmother was only thing keeping family system together. Went no contact with Dad and two siblings in 2015.  Then mom died of Covid in 2020 (mom was completely out of it for 20 plus years -mental illness, dementia, etc) Slowly got back in touch with forgotten child sibling since mom's death (not golden child sibling). But this sibling participated eagerly in using me as whipping post at various times in my life. For past 1.5 years several good phone conversations-superficial-but the connection was there. However, have  just started new career as a therapist, which is extremely rewarding and  I have been honest and authentic about that. I had been an attorney prior to career change. This Sibling had my niece (her daughter) text me about a legal issue a month or so ago. I texted her back within 15 minutes with my input, acknowledging it was not my area of expertise. No nieces and nephews have ever called me ever...about anything. I was excited that maybe I was back in the family loop. But this past Monday-when I talked with sister-she dismissed the whole thing-did not acknowledge my heartfelt attempt at helping-said she referred her daughter to another family friend/attorney for advice) and made me feel unseen, and invisible and like I have felt my entire life.  Thought this sibling had changed her ways and was honestly trying and now I am back to thinking I should just totally estrange myself from entire FOO again.  I do not want to continue this pattern of feeling like - I am only  useful and have value- if I perform perfectly, and am not, worthy of attention for just being me. So painful. Just right back to 3 years old. So disappointed that I trusted this family member to do right by me and just feel discarded again...How can I ever trust anyone in this family again.....Should I try and tell her how I feel or would that be a waste of time????? So hard!!

[guitarman]

You are not alone.

I can relate to much of what you posted about.

I have an uBPD/NPD sister whom I've had no contact with for over two years. I don't want to see her ever again.

I've learnt that I can't change anyone else's behaviour. I can only change and control my own. That is very freeing to realise.

We can get so stressed about wanting others to change it can cause us so much anxiety.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She has recently discussed this topic. I have learnt such a lot from her.

I watch her frequently to keep me on track and to not get caught up in all the constant mind games.

She has a reading list on her Facebook page with all her recommended books. I post regularly in the "Other Media Resources" section of this forum other resources that may help.

Kris recommends that we start by building our self esteem. Then we can learn to not get caught up in all the self blame and stress.

We imagine our perfect family with everyone getting on with each other. We can start to believe it is all our fault that they don't.

I have been practising Mindfulness meditations for many years since I was prescribed a six week course by my doctor. It has helped me to become more detached and more calm.

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach online for her free frequent talks.

Her website is www.tarabrach.com

I have been practising Mindfulness Loving Kindness meditations that have really helped me. There are many on YouTube to watch. I have become more loving and kinder to myself which I can then pass onto others. It all starts with myself.

It seems to me that all the family difficulties begin with your father's issues and how he treated you all.

Sorry to hear about the sad news about your grandmother and mother. My mother was living with Alzheimer's disease and passed away two years ago. It's been so sad and difficult without her.

I'm not sure that it would be wise to tell your siblings how you feel at this time. They may not even understand or care. You would only get more upset. I've learnt to educate myself about personality disorders to help me understand what I am coping with. I used to get so frustrated and annoyed that my sister wouldn't change. Then I realised that she just can't and isn't ever going to. She is emotionally blind to other peoples' feelings. She just can't do it. She doesn't care.

However, I have learnt to talk more about my feelings. I have learnt to use more "I" statements than "You" statements. That helps. It's about learning communication skills and using them.

It's all so frustrating and annoying when our family don't behave as we do or how we wish them to behave. They don't treat us like we treat other people. We would never behave towards them as they behave towards us.

Hopefully learning more about your father's narcissistic abuse will help you understand the family dynamics and family system. Kris Godinez recommends addressing our inner child's needs and examining when the original wound occurred. That is the time we can get stuck at.

I hope this helps. I hope I make sense. I'm still trying to understand it all myself. I'm still learning.

World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day is on June 1st. There is a free WNAAD Survivor Empowerment Telesummit online that you may like to watch with many expert speakers.

https://wnaad.com/

[thduda]

Thank you so much guitarman for your comments.  You are right. She is not going to change. I will go back to No Contact. I thought I was setting good boundaries, but I certainly wasn't because I opened myself up to getting hurt. My father is still alive and she is still in that sick little system with other sibling. There is power in that system that she does not want to let go of.

I have learned and have grown so much. I am happy with myself and my gentle heart. I get to help other people heal from their wounds and am appreciative that I can make a difference in other people's lives.

I have come too far to get sucked back into mind games, like you said.  I have read extensively about narcissistic abuse. I had just kept hope alive that this one sibling would understand, but she doesn't.

I will be extra gentle with myself today and continue working on healing this inner child wound-one day at a time. Thanks again!

[guitarman]

Thank you. We all learn and support each other here. It's a special place.

I like to pass on my knowledge and experiences to others, as you are doing as well.

I don't want to see my uBPD/NPD sister ever again. I've had enough. I don't do idiot compassion any more.

I know I shall probably need support for the rest of my life and I'm OK with that.

She's never going to change and I can't change her. That's been so difficult to understand.

I wish her well from afar.

I need to look after my own needs first as no one else is going to do that for me. It's not selfish, it's survival.

Go live your life and live it well!

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[thduda]

Thanks so much guitarman, your words have really, really helped me today!

[guitarman]

Kris Godinez often says

"If these people were not related to you would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is "No" then act accordingly".

May you walk in beauty, have peace and happiness with your gentle heart.

[thduda]

Your beautiful words moved me to tears of gratitude! When complete strangers totally get you-that's a cool thing!!!! My faith in humanity is restored today.

[guitarman]

Thank you for your very kind words.

We can get pushed to the edge of reason and sanity. I know because I've been there myself.

By helping others we help ourselves. I've learnt so much about myself and am so grateful for other people sharing their experiences and advice.

We aren't alone. It can be so isolating feeling that no one else could possibly understand what we have experienced as it is often so surreal and bizarre. We need to speak up and tell our stories. It can be very empowering.

"Abuse thrives in the darkness. We all need to help shine a light on it wherever it occurs."

I help to raise awareness about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse need help and support.

Not many other people really understand unless they've been in the same situation themselves.

Take care of yourself.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hello JD. I can also relate to so much of what you stated about your sibling dynamics.

You stated " it made me feel unseen, and invisible and like I have felt my entire life.  Thought this sibling had changed her ways and was honestly trying and now I am back to thinking I should just totally estrange myself from entire FOO again.  I do not want to continue this pattern of feeling like - I am only useful and have value- if I perform perfectly, and am not, worthy of attention for just being me." 

I so get that, and I am sorry. Just being who you are is indeed enough for your sibling or anyone else to treat you with regard. You do not have to work for it or keep proving yourself. Trying to do so can be an endless routine that takes everything from you.

You deserve to feel good in this life. You are allowed to make your wellbeing your priority and to surround yourself with the people and things that support who you are.

[thduda]

Thanks so much Blueberry Pancakes! So true.  I've been in people pleasing - performance mode most of my life. It is so cool to come to this site and realize that many people have been through the same thing.  Honestly many, many therapists and psychiatrists have no clue about these types of dynamics. This site is invaluable to me and for the past 5 years as I read back on my posts - I realize I have grown so much and am indebted to the people here.

This incident with my sister was a huge wake up call for me.   I will never, ever, put up with anyone toxic  - in my life - I will stay in therapy so I can recognize these signs of toxicity sooner rather than later!

[thduda]

Forgot to mention I am not currently in therapy because I am on the hunt for a therapist that does understand.

[thduda]

"If these people were not related to you would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is "No" then act accordingly".

This rings true. Our last conversation she talked about one of her tenants she had to evict from one of her rental properties - how they showed up with the constable and lawn chairs and sat for hours while they slowly moved out. She seemed to enjoy the fact that the wife was crying and embarrassed by their actions.

Totally not a nice person!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Very good point about still allowing someone in your life if you were not related. Makes you really think. 

I also think it is good to keep looking around for a therapist if it just does not seem like a good fit. I find a lot of solace in reading posts in this forum, and am amazed to read experiences of others that are so much like my own life. It seems there are common behaviors and I suppose also common ways in which we can feel impacted by it.
   
I like suggestions from Guitarman, and the Toolbox on this forum. It has been a game changer for me in many ways and in how I view myself. Mostly I (try to, anyway) stop the default of viewing myself from the lens of those in my family. Realizing they likely will not change and any period of NC where I have re-engaged did not serve to resolve these dynamics. Those in my FOO just pick up where I left off, and actually they sort of seemed even more hostile.

I have read unpacking all this is a journey, and I tend to agree. As long as I keep feeling better, it is a good journey and I believe I am on the right track. If any of this makes sense to you, just know you are  not alone.

[thduda]

Thanks Blueberry Pancakes,

Went on vacation with my husband last week, so did not have a chance to respond earlier.  I do have a session tomorrow with a therapist I am hoping is a good fit.  I agree that it's important for us raised in such dysfunction to have ongoing support.

I am fortunate that my husband gets it, although it took many years for us to get here---he is loyal to family, but he sees now how dysfunctional they are now.. I am so grateful for him and the support here.

Thanks again for responding.