Birthday Obligation

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sunshine702

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Birthday Obligation
« on: October 17, 2017, 03:43:24 AM »
I have to admit I am pretty forgetful with birthdays.  Better with other holidays.  My brother reminded me to call Dad this weekend Bday was Friday. I forgot. To be fair I live in an area that just experienced some difficulty, so I'm a little preocupied.  A friend's daughter is in the hospital.  Talked to my Narc mom today - huge guilt trip.  I guess I could send a belated card.  A belated text seems even worse.  Don't know.  Any suggestions? 

FOG - fear obligation guilt -yep.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2017, 05:08:12 PM by Bloomie »

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PinkDress

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Re: Birthday Obligation
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2017, 04:15:32 AM »
You're human, cut yourself some slack. :)

Belated card or text would suffice I'm sure. Ignore your M, or tell her "I'm sure you've forgotten before too."
"In the long run, the sharpest weapon of all is a kind and gentle spirit." Anne Frank

"God sees people as His own treasures, so be careful how you treat them."

"No one warns you about the amount of mourning in growth."

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practical

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Re: Birthday Obligation
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2017, 08:20:45 AM »
Why don't you call your Dad? (Assuming he isn't part of the PD issue and you have an okay relationship with him.) This way you can tell him happy birthday and you are sorry you forgot. Otherwise I would send a card or if you have text exchanges with him at other times go that route. We get calls, texts from our kids - including belated texts/calls - and it is no drama.

Your M I would ignore. If it wasn't this, she most likely would have found something else to lay a guilt trip on you. That is her circus, her monkeys. Try to forget about her and focus on what it is you want to do with your F, what feels right to you within the context of the relationship you have with him.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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bopper

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Re: Birthday Obligation
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2017, 06:51:09 PM »
1) Do you want to contact your Dad?

If so, then contact him however you normally do..."Hope you had a good birthday! It was crazy here what with the storm/fire/hurricane/disaster and my friends daughter was in the hospital.  What did you end up doing?"

If not, then don't.

2) Do you not want to be forgetful? Then put reminders in your phone's calendar.

3) Do you want to talk to NM? Realize you have choices...to talk to her or not.  To hang up if she starts with guilt trips. "Oh, the guilt trips are starting...I'll let you go."  To set boundaries:  "I'll handle my relationship with Dad, thank you."
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Terichan

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Re: Birthday Obligation
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2017, 07:15:24 PM »
sunshine, you get to decide what to do now -- you don't have to do anything just because your N mother guilt tripped you, that's just what Ns do. You could call your dad now and wish him a happy birthday, you could send him a card, you could do nothing. Do what feels right for you and your father, between you and your father.

This summer, I totally forgot my SIL's b-day. I didn't even have a good reason, nothing that much was going on! I hadn't forgotten it in 15 years. I felt bad when I realized, so the next time I saw her I apologized, and told her I felt bad about forgetting, and wished her a happy belated birthday. She said it was ok, accepted my birthday wishes, and that was it, we all moved on. No anger, no guilt trips from my brother or anyone else, no revenge, everything was perfectly fine.

That's how stuff like this can go in non-PD land! Just do what feels right with your dad. And no guilt necessary!
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

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sunshine702

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Re: Birthday Obligation
« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2017, 08:15:29 PM »
Thank you everyone.  Yeah, I guess I will send a belated card. He would like that.  He's big into sentimental so a nice note as well.  My duty which I try to honor but on my terms. I am VLC with both. I honestly dread phone calls - pure judgement and you should go back to school so you can work in medical - I don't want to!

Yeah this city crisis made both me and hubby realize A LOT.  I called my parents that night to let them know what happened but man and I were fine.  They never really checked back.  My old coworkers and friends were more worried it seemed from the stream of texts all night. Also my lovely man has some PTSD from that night and has missed a bit of work.  Crickets from family.

They were completely focused on upcoming trip with Narc mom's source- Grandchild H. 

One funny moment - SIL told my mom she had to take BOTH female grandkids for expensive haircuts not just NarcSource Grandkid.  Love it.
Mom was SO pissed.  SIL stands.up.