Would this be weird?

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jennsc85

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Would this be weird?
« on: October 19, 2017, 10:29:58 PM »
So, after my mother's sobbing fit in my car the other day where she demanded to know if I want a relationship with her, etc. I blocked her number, just for a day. Just yesterday. All I wanted was one day free of her to clear my head.

Well, I guess she was trying to text me...and text and text and text and then call a bunch of times. She called my work number which is just a general number that goes straight to the security office. From there security gets the employee's attention, etc. I've told most people close to me to only call if there's a serious emergency as I check my cell phone every couple hours.

Anyways... she calls my work. They retrieve me saying it's a personal call, someone on the other end sounds very distressed and says they need to talk to me immediately.

So my mother is frantic saying she's been calling the hospitals, my doctor's office, the police... she finally thought to call my work, she said. She said I wasn't replying to any of her texts and she was worried sick, had to call out of work and everything...

I tell her I'm fine and that I need to get back to work and that was the end of it, thank goodness. But then, security tells me that she called today to see if I was there!

Now I'm feeling really uneasy that she feels like she can call my work number now. I don't generally tell her when I take off work...what if she calls on a day that I'm not there and then blows my phone up with requests to do stuff with her?

Would it be weird to ask security to tell her I'm not available if she calls? Should I explain anything to them? Or should I just let them deal with it and say I'm not taking her calls? This is a whole new thing and I'm really anxious over it!

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MIB

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2017, 10:47:55 PM »
First of all, I'm sorry that you have to be dealing with this   :wacko:

My two cents...what if you told security that you don't wish to take personal calls at work, and if someone calls to please let them know that (you could add that if it's an emergency, your cell is available)? IMHO, this gives the impression that you are a conscientious employee who is there to work - you can't control who calls, but you can control if you take them or not.  Perhaps you could then tell your mother the same thing, that personal calls are not looked well upon,  and if she needs to urgently reach you she can leave a VM on your cell (they go through if you block their number, you just won't be disturbed at the time by the call itself) and will call her back if work allows.

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Seven

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2017, 10:57:04 PM »
Yes.  This is weird. Like "get a restraining order" weird.  Do you really think she called the police, or was that just a ruse?

And security shouldn't be telling anyone (without a subpoena) if you're there or not.  And security can tell her that.  They are not allowed to divulge employee information.  Or you can tell your mother that thanks to her, now no one is allowed personal calls at work.  THANKS FOR THAT MOM!!

But im always a big fan of communication, so if youre comfortable telling security your situation then tell them.  They've got no skin in this game.  They have no FOG.  This was something i learned from my very first boss.  If there's something going on outside of work and you happen to bring it to work then communicate that with the boss so they know what's going on.  They might not be able to offer a solution, but if its going to affect job performance they need to know, especially if you're worried that this may become a habit with her.

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jennsc85

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2017, 11:03:06 PM »
Calling the police on me when I'm not cooperating is a favorite threat of her's but to my knowledge she's never actually called them... I really don't know if she called the police and hospitals like she said, but I could definitely see her doing that. She gets ideas in her head and goes totally nuts with them.

I think I'm going to tell my mother that we're not allowed to take personal calls (I can already hear her saying that ITS AN EMERGENCY!!) she's always been fine waiting until my break times so I feel like this is a new toy for her or something, to see exactly where I am.

I have to think on exactly how to phrase what I want to say to security so I don't sound paranoid and as crazy as my mother.

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Terichan

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2017, 11:10:29 PM »
Jenn, I'd do both -- tell your mother that you can't take personal calls at work AND tell security that you won't be taking your mother's calls at work, either. I don't think you have to get into telling them your whole story with your mother, just let them know you can't talk to her if she calls (even if she says it's an EMERGENCY!!) and that you'll deal with her outside of working hours/on your own.  Because even if you don't do anything, you're still "dealing with" her... the way you need to, right?  8-)

 The security people won't care much about the details behind it, and I mean, they're called "security" for a reason, that not just anyone can call anyone at any time, the whole point of them answering the phone first is keeping the employees secure, right? Let them be your security shield at work, that's what they are there for!

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
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practical

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2017, 11:25:56 PM »
First of all you taking a day off from her calls is a good idea, even if it ended up with a mess. So, you may want to try it again, maybe after telling her as part of the conversation you are going to have your are no longer available 24/7, especially not during your working hours, which includes lunch break. Lunch break is meant as exactly that: a break in your work, away from having to concentrate and juggle things, a time to relax. Dealing with your M during break isn't it.

You don't have to JADE with security, simply state like MIB suggests you don't want to accept personal calls at work, your cell is available. No further explanation needed.

As for your M, she just found another boundary to get around, one you didn't even know existed. Also notice the order of her calls, hospitals, doctors, police ... work was last, which would be the first call for any reasonable person.

When you set your boundary and she goes ITS AN EMERGENCY!!! the response is "If that is so, you have to call 911."

Also, if she ever calls the police, what is the problem for you? Yes it would be embarrassing, it would also be an opportunity to politely tell the officers that your M seems to have some mental issues and that there was never any need for concern. The police doesn't particularly appreciate to be called out for nonsense, and if she does it a few times, she might end up with her own kind of record. Besides with the spidery sense of a PD, she knows she might score an own goal with such a call so will stay away from it. For her it is a tactic to scare you and make you compliant, and all she needs for this to work is make you belief she might and feel fear from you about it.

I'm amazed you still haven't reached your breaking point.
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nel nel 7

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #6 on: October 20, 2017, 03:52:09 AM »
This is stalking behavior, in my opinion. She’s justifying it by disguising it as concern but it’s not genuine. I’d absolutely have security not take her calls to you and warn her to NOT call your place of work. Full stop. It would make me feel uneasy for her to know my whereabouts constantly.

She won’t call the police. Highly doubtful. Threats were some of my mothers favorite tactics to use on me.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2017, 04:56:20 AM »
Explain to Security:

1.  Your mother is mentally ill.  It's not something you like to talk about, but you've recently had to block her number.

The only people who are going to really want to get into it with you are people like us.   :heythere:   

Everybody else will probably be like, "Yeah...uh...awkward!   But message received and let's not talk about this again!"

2.  If anybody calls for you - screen the call and if it's your mother, you're either unavailable or in a meeting - they can take a message.

3.  If it's an EMERGENCY, advise them to tell her to call 911.

It's that simple.   8-)

I know because we did it in the 80's to shake unNPD MIL from hassling DH at work *every single day.*

Her "emergencies" included needing DH to pick up milk on the way home, finding their newspaper and coming over to kill a SPIDER!   :stars:

The calls stopped shortly after that - I think even she knew how ridiculous she sounded.   :roll:

It's surprisingly effective!   :yes:

Your mom did NOT call the police and all the hospitals - this is just another new tactic of hers.  You're putting up boundaries and she *doesn't like it* - so she's invoking The Authorities again without actually doing a thing except paying them lip service to try to frighten you into compliance.   :roll:

She is NOT going to send the cops to your workplace.  That might result in Very Bad Things for her - such as you spilling the beans, telling them you think her mental issues are getting worse - she has a history of (you know the diagnoses), and maybe they should  pay her a visit.

She does NOT want a visit from the police or the paramedics.

She is counting on you silently accepting her abuse.

I 'd like you to think about this.  I said it in Dinah Sore's thread but I think it bears repeating:

The thing you really have to keep asking yourself, while all this is going on is, "Why would somebody who claims to love me want to hurt and manipulate me, and somehow think it will make us CLOSER?
"

This isn't about love or concern - it's about control and the unspeakable, white-hot anger or rage inside most UnBPDs when they don't get what they want.

There is a "something" that will make them whole  - they think we can find it for them, and we can't.

They don't know what it is, they don't even want to try to figure it out - but expect US to do it for them, complete them, make them whole - and we never get it right, try endlessly to make them happy but can only manage to do it for a few minutes or maybe half a day (if we're lucky!) before we're on the next endless quest for the intangible SOMETHING that will make them happy - and be rejected.

Rinse, soak, spin, repeat.

It *never ends."

It just keeps getting *worse* - especially when it's the Dutiful Daughter finally saying, "No.  I can't keep up this farce.  I've had enough.   I'm done."

You are the last one standing - the one she thought would NEVER leave, and she's pulling out all the stops - but WILL stop at a point that doesn't get *her* in trouble with law enforcement.

She's *trying* to get you fired. 

Why? 

Well no job means less money so not only will you HAVE to pool your resources and *move her in to your new, Undisclosed Location Home (she SO knows about that, I'd guess!)* but you will be at her beck-and-call, 24/7/365!

It's a perfect WIN for her, if she can get you fired and she can get you back into Downward Doormat position,  which benefits ONLY her.

You might want to suggest Security dispatch police or an ambulance to her house, the next time she calls.

That will probably be the end of it - you actively fighting back.

You just have to say the words.

"My mother is mentally ill."

It seems like such a simple thing, but it's *terrifying.*

I'm here to tell you you'll be okay.   :)

I've said those words - not out of anger, not out of revenge - but out of desperation and concern.

They were among some of the hardest words I've ever said in my life, but the necessary words needed to wrest my life from those who'd exploit and abuse me until I was nothing more than a worn-out husk, while they screamed I could do better, try harder, smile more, and figure out WHAT was missing from their lives today, which could change five minutes later.

You are better than that.  You are worth MORE than that.

 :hug:


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foggyme

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #8 on: October 20, 2017, 06:28:36 AM »
It wouldn't be wierd at all to tell the guard to give information about you or forward her calls. For this exact reason and being afraid of her showing up at my work, M doesn't know where I work. H once disclosed his work phone number to her as an example of how to use her phone but she took the opportunity  and had the phone memorised and now calls him at work. Now this is a mistake I would never do after a lifetime spent with her.
Mine threatened to file a missing report because I wasn't answering - but so far she hasn't.

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VividImagination

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #9 on: October 20, 2017, 08:25:31 AM »
"Security, please don't accept any personal calls for me at work unless they are from a man named (DH). The woman who called yesterday claiming to be my mother is mentally ill and stalking me. Please don't give her any information about whether I'm present at work or not.. I'm really concerned about my safety with her."

See what I did there? Never said she was YOUR mom...just a nutty old lady. With all the violence lately, workplaces freak out over the possibility of a crazy person coming in and hurting people. You think they wouldn't believe a woman your mother's age would do that, but the Las Vegas shooter was the same age she is.

Just email it so you aren't embarrassed, and know that you can rest easy.

You're actually really lucky with the driving thing...if you cut her off by phone on all fronts, she can no longer find you at home since you moved and I assume your workplace is out of her comfort zone.

Other than claiming to make all these calls looking for you in hospitals, which she isn't, by the way....there is NOTHING she can do to reach you!!

Next step...tell her that you are no longer going to be available as her pacifier every single day...if she doesn't reach you once, it's because you're busy and you'll call her back the next day. You're not her nurse, her mommy, or her husband.

And she's not your jailer anymore.
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Blueskies

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #10 on: October 20, 2017, 09:20:25 AM »
This is serious harassment behaviour. I'd tell security that you don't want to take personal calls. Also I'd tell your mum not to call you at work and that if you don't answer calls and texts in a day it doesn't mean you have gone missing, had an accident or been abducted. It is totally unreasonable to expect 24 hr a day access to you like this. I would also personally try and persuade her to get a mental health assessment.

If she goes to the police, great. Just more evidence that she's currently unstable and needs some help.

In my opinion, this is all the stuff of restraining orders. It is stalking and it is unacceptable.

Maybe if she calls in distress to your work again, someone could call a mental health crisis team to take her away on a 72 hour hold and sort her out. At least you have some witnesses to her behaviour now. It might be worth starting a log of the harassment in case you do need to talk to mental health services or the police - time, date, description, witnesses. She is starting to interfere with your work now, in a very disruptive (and embarassing!) way.

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jennsc85

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #11 on: October 20, 2017, 01:19:25 PM »
Thank you guys for all the suggestions and encouragement!

WomanInterrupted, I really like your idea of telling security that my mother is mentally ill. I feel like that would shut it down pretty quickly because like you said, most people don't want to get into all that. I'll add in there that I don't want to take personal calls. Hopefully that does the trick...

I was freaking out a little bit yesterday because I've recently felt like work is my one safe place away from her. I used to have a desk phone and she called very regularly and it brought me down so much every time she called. It took me sometimes a full day to collect myself from what all she said over the phone. About a year ago I moved to a different department where there are no desk phones which was actually a blessing! Knowing that she could only contact me during specific times on breaks was kind of reassuring to me. She has never tried to call the main number (to my knowledge anyways!) so that's why this freaked me out so much! The idea of her knowing exactly where I am, even if that somewhere is at work, makes me super anxious.

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practical

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #12 on: October 20, 2017, 02:00:37 PM »
About a year ago I moved to a different department where there are no desk phones which was actually a blessing! Knowing that she could only contact me during specific times on breaks was kind of reassuring to me.
So the new department set a boundary for you, it was simply there, no discussions, and you felt how wonderful this boundary is and how much it helps you. Think about how good, safe you will feel, the more boundaries like this one you implement in your life. You'll get there :hug:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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jennsc85

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #13 on: October 20, 2017, 06:18:57 PM »
She's been texting me all day today saying "Talk to me! I want to chat! Let's talk about something!"

Does she really not remember blubbering at me about how cold and distant I am and telling me to stop pretending to be nice to her over texting?

She just said "I could be dead next week this time and you'd be really sorry then."

What?! Does she think I just sit around staring at my phone waiting for her texts so I can reply immediately? Stuff like this makes me so angry.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #14 on: October 20, 2017, 07:10:44 PM »
Good grief!   :aaauuugh:

I'd text back only, "I am at work.  I can't chat.  You need to STOP texting me."

If she doesn't, put the block back on, or ignore the texts, delete them and *don't call or text tonight.*

That's the *consequence.*  She wants more you and keeps trying to force the issue?

She gets LESS.   :ninja:

She has *too* much access to you.  It's time to start limiting that access by determining when YOU feel like you're in an emotionally solid place and can handle her nonsense. 

If you don't want to talk to her or text more than once a week, that's the boundary.  Everything she throws at you goes unanswered until then.  :yes:

You might even consider telling her this is the way it's going to be and if she doesn't like it?  Too bad.  You are NOT on-call to serve her and she needs to get a damned hobby instead of stalking you.

BTW...it's my feeling when somebody says, "I could be dead and you'll be sorry!"

No.  You probably won't.  At all.   :evil2: :bigwink:

 :hug:

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #15 on: October 20, 2017, 08:13:00 PM »
She's been texting me all day today saying "Talk to me! I want to chat! Let's talk about something!"

Does she really not remember blubbering at me about how cold and distant I am and telling me to stop pretending to be nice to her over texting?

She just said "I could be dead next week this time and you'd be really sorry then."

What?! Does she think I just sit around staring at my phone waiting for her texts so I can reply immediately? Stuff like this makes me so angry.
Oh my gosh, she sounds like a child saying "I'm boooooorrrrreeeed." She needs to get a hobby or volunteer somewhere. I'm not going to comment on her most recent text since I don't have anything nice to say :-X
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practical

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #16 on: October 20, 2017, 09:05:51 PM »
Talk about seeing you as a PD-supply Vending Machine  :aaauuugh: She is really pushing those buttons hard and kicking to see whether you'll properly (meaning unhealthy enmeshed) function again.

Try to stay the course and don't respond or only with a short "I'm unavailable." You don't need to justify why, being in your bathtub blowing bubbles means you are unavailable.

What you are experiencing is unfortunately not uncommon, PDs don't like boundaries and so they push back when you start to set them. This has to do with your M's issues -boundaries are healthy and necessary - and nothing to do with you being mean, cold, heartless or the like.

She just said "I could be dead next week this time and you'd be really sorry then.

What?! Does she think I just sit around staring at my phone waiting for her texts so I can reply immediately? Stuff like this makes me so angry.
That is a classic in the PDplaybook, please don't go for it. Your anger is the appropriate response for this kind of manipulation, guilt tripping and neediness. Try to stay with this anger and it will make it a lot easier to keep your boundaries.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #17 on: October 20, 2017, 10:34:01 PM »
Who in real life who is working has time for this level of contact? Realistically how would it even be possible? Would an employer really allow such work interruption? Risking your job isn't worth it. Maybe that's the plan, lose your job so you have undivided attention for mummy. No. Just no.

Anger is supposed to signal a boundary has been violated, trampled. Thing is those raised by PD persons often learn to push aside and stuff down the anger while walking on eggshells trying to manage and keep a lid on, control, the PD person taking care of them instead of living life. Hold that anger, use that anger to reinforce your boundaries, it's been a long time coming and it's about time anger showed up!
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practical

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #18 on: October 20, 2017, 11:38:54 PM »
She just said "I could be dead next week this time and you'd be really sorry then."
Why isn't she sorry right now for how she is treating you, just in case she is dead next week?  :roll:

Hang in there :bighug:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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daughter

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #19 on: October 20, 2017, 11:45:31 PM »
I'd tell your mother that if she calls you at work, you can't talk, and you can't respond to her calls and texts to your cell-phone.  Tell her that you've been cautioned: no personal calls.  Tell her hereon your personal cell-phone will be switched-off during work-hours.  White lies often work in these situations.  Then block her phone-number and email from your cell-phone for extended times during day. 

« Last Edit: October 20, 2017, 11:49:46 PM by daughter »