Would this be weird?

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #20 on: October 21, 2017, 03:54:46 AM »
Spring - I really do think that's the ultimate goal.  I think she may have it in her head that Jenn spends TOO much time with *anybody who isn't MOMMY* - and either wants to get Jenn fired, or guilt/shame Jenn into quitting.

Then, in her mind, they can all live in Jenn's new house and "pool their resources" (meaning:  she won't contribute a dime and Jenn and her FOC will probably be bankrupt within a year), and be ONE BIG HAPPY FAAAAAAAAMILY!   :barfy:

Meaning:  Jenn will run herself ragged, trying to please that which cannot be pleased, the kids will be cowering in terror in their rooms and require *years* of therapy,  and Jenn's DH will become a constant source of irritation to her mom, just because he's alive and breathing and taking attention away from her, so she'll start to work on getting him out of the picture.

That's what I think the real goal is because I saw it with unBPD Didi.  That was her cunning plan - which was so cunning, it was transparent.   :roll:

Anger is an extremely healthy and *helpful* emotion, in this situation.  Your boundaries are being violated and no, you're not just going to sit there and keep taking it on the chin.  You have the right to do or say something about it - tell her to knock it off, put up boundaries, put her in a time-out, and yes, tell her work has a strict "No Personal Calls or Texts" policy.

If she says that's unreasonable and asks why they'd do something so barbaric, I'd go one step further and say, "Mom, it's because you won't leave me alone to do my job."

Maybe it'll give her something to think about - or not - I just threw it out there.  Do with it what you want.   :)

I definitely would block her during the day and not unblock her until *well* after dinner - if then.  Hell, you might even decide to keep it on, permanently, like Stasia.

If you're angry when you block her, remember - you're not blocking her out of anger.  Anger is letting you know, "This is completely unreasonable behavior and this is what I have to do to protect myself."

Anger can be VERY motivational.   :yes:

You *do* get over that horrible feeling of, "She's over there, all alone, with nobody to help her!  What if she falls?  What if she runs out of food?  What if she needs to get her dog to the vet?  What if she insists on going home after her surgery and has nobody to help her!?"

Your mom doesn't live in a vacuum - she has a PHONE and it's perfectly capable of dialing other numbers than yours.

Help is only a few digits away.  She can arrange to have her shopping delivered, do her banking, have the pharmacy deliver her scripts and call Uber to ask for dog-friendly drivers.  She can do just about *everything* by phone these days.

If you start getting calls from her doctor, asking if you're helping after surgery like she insists, tell the doctor, "I'm afraid that's just not possible.  She's going to have to go into a rehab.  The hospital will have to transport her and she'll have to arrange her own transportation home."

If questioned further, stick to, "It's just not possible.  I'm sure you understand and this can't be the first time something like this has happened."

I've *done* all these things.  At first, I felt something like a heartless bitch - but anger let me know, no, I wasn't the unreasonable, childish one - Didi and Ray were.

I was doing nothing wrong.  I just wanted to live my life.   8-)

And it wasn't a matter of, "Ageing parents aren't convenient!" - or however your mom said it.

It's *anybody who treats me like something they scraped off their shoe* and REFUSES to address their own problems isn't going to get my undivided attention - or *any* attention.

Both Didi and Ray wanted a slave - they got nada, zip, zero, zilch instead.   :ninja:

When your mom texted her trite old PD, "I could be dead by this time next week!"

If you thought, "Promise?"   :evil2:

Or, "I can't get that lucky."   :bigwink:

It's *definitely* time for some changes!

Right now, your mom is in kick the washing machine until it works properly mode, which is pretty much a child having a roaring temper tantrum in the middle of a crowded store, trying to shame their parents into shutting them up by giving in.

Don't do it - please.  MORE boundaries are in order here. 

She can't keep torturing you if she *can't get to you at all.*

 :hug:

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Shockwave

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #21 on: October 21, 2017, 04:50:35 AM »
Explain to Security:

1.  Your mother is mentally ill.  It's not something you like to talk about, but you've recently had to block her number.

The only people who are going to really want to get into it with you are people like us.   :heythere:   

Everybody else will probably be like, "Yeah...uh...awkward!   But message received and let's not talk about this again!"

2.  If anybody calls for you - screen the call and if it's your mother, you're either unavailable or in a meeting - they can take a message.

3.  If it's an EMERGENCY, advise them to tell her to call 911.

It's that simple.   8-)

I know because we did it in the 80's to shake unNPD MIL from hassling DH at work *every single day.*

Her "emergencies" included needing DH to pick up milk on the way home, finding their newspaper and coming over to kill a SPIDER!   :stars:

The calls stopped shortly after that - I think even she knew how ridiculous she sounded.   :roll:

It's surprisingly effective!   :yes:

Your mom did NOT call the police and all the hospitals - this is just another new tactic of hers.  You're putting up boundaries and she *doesn't like it* - so she's invoking The Authorities again without actually doing a thing except paying them lip service to try to frighten you into compliance.   :roll:

She is NOT going to send the cops to your workplace.  That might result in Very Bad Things for her - such as you spilling the beans, telling them you think her mental issues are getting worse - she has a history of (you know the diagnoses), and maybe they should  pay her a visit.

She does NOT want a visit from the police or the paramedics.

She is counting on you silently accepting her abuse.

I 'd like you to think about this.  I said it in Dinah Sore's thread but I think it bears repeating:

The thing you really have to keep asking yourself, while all this is going on is, "Why would somebody who claims to love me want to hurt and manipulate me, and somehow think it will make us CLOSER?
"

This isn't about love or concern - it's about control and the unspeakable, white-hot anger or rage inside most UnBPDs when they don't get what they want.

There is a "something" that will make them whole  - they think we can find it for them, and we can't.

They don't know what it is, they don't even want to try to figure it out - but expect US to do it for them, complete them, make them whole - and we never get it right, try endlessly to make them happy but can only manage to do it for a few minutes or maybe half a day (if we're lucky!) before we're on the next endless quest for the intangible SOMETHING that will make them happy - and be rejected.

Rinse, soak, spin, repeat.

It *never ends."

It just keeps getting *worse* - especially when it's the Dutiful Daughter finally saying, "No.  I can't keep up this farce.  I've had enough.   I'm done."

You are the last one standing - the one she thought would NEVER leave, and she's pulling out all the stops - but WILL stop at a point that doesn't get *her* in trouble with law enforcement.

She's *trying* to get you fired. 

Why? 

Well no job means less money so not only will you HAVE to pool your resources and *move her in to your new, Undisclosed Location Home (she SO knows about that, I'd guess!)* but you will be at her beck-and-call, 24/7/365!

It's a perfect WIN for her, if she can get you fired and she can get you back into Downward Doormat position,  which benefits ONLY her.

You might want to suggest Security dispatch police or an ambulance to her house, the next time she calls.

That will probably be the end of it - you actively fighting back.

You just have to say the words.

"My mother is mentally ill."

It seems like such a simple thing, but it's *terrifying.*

I'm here to tell you you'll be okay.   :)

I've said those words - not out of anger, not out of revenge - but out of desperation and concern.

They were among some of the hardest words I've ever said in my life, but the necessary words needed to wrest my life from those who'd exploit and abuse me until I was nothing more than a worn-out husk, while they screamed I could do better, try harder, smile more, and figure out WHAT was missing from their lives today, which could change five minutes later.

You are better than that.  You are worth MORE than that.

 :hug:
:yeahthat:
This should be framed I tell you. Lol
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Blueskies

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #22 on: October 21, 2017, 06:08:21 AM »
She's been texting me all day today saying "Talk to me! I want to chat! Let's talk about something!"

Does she really not remember blubbering at me about how cold and distant I am and telling me to stop pretending to be nice to her over texting?

She just said "I could be dead next week this time and you'd be really sorry then."

What?! Does she think I just sit around staring at my phone waiting for her texts so I can reply immediately? Stuff like this makes me so angry.

The 'I could be dead' threat gives you everything you need to get her an emergency mental health check - as far as I can see this could be taken as her being a danger to herself and even as a suicide threat. I think mental health services would take it that way especially considering the other recent behaviour.You may be able to get a 72 hour hold and some help! Personally I'd take the opportunity.

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JollyJazz

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #23 on: November 09, 2017, 05:57:09 AM »
Quote
Anger is supposed to signal a boundary has been violated, trampled. Thing is those raised by PD persons often learn to push aside and stuff down the anger while walking on eggshells trying to manage and keep a lid on, control, the PD person taking care of them instead of living life. Hold that anger, use that anger to reinforce your boundaries, it's been a long time coming and it's about time anger showed up!

Spring Butterfly, that is awesome!!! I so so agree. I had major issues with repressing anger, it was terrible, I had to stuff it all down growing up, and that is so not healthy. I am more in touch with it now.

I heard a great line - 'anger is the immune system of the mind'. It is the precious self protective part of us.

Definitely let yourself feel that anger and express boundaries in a healthy, assertive way!

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carrots

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #24 on: November 11, 2017, 04:25:40 PM »
 :yeahthat:

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Me_Again

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2017, 08:22:57 PM »
Mom, I'll communicate with you on Saturdays between 1-2 pm (only part of that hour--not the entire or even the majority of the hour).  Do not call my place of employment ever again. Do not call authorities when I don't answer your calls or texts (according to your timetable). Do not contact any other family menbers, friends, and/or acquaintances to have them contact me.  If you do or if you contact me more than once every 2 days (including texts, phone calls--VMs, emails, etc), I will not communicate with you at all the next Saturday.

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RapunzelNoMore

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Re: Would this be weird?
« Reply #26 on: November 11, 2017, 10:11:48 PM »
She's been texting me all day today saying "Talk to me! I want to chat! Let's talk about something!"

Does she really not remember blubbering at me about how cold and distant I am and telling me to stop pretending to be nice to her over texting?

She just said "I could be dead next week this time and you'd be really sorry then."

What?! Does she think I just sit around staring at my phone waiting for her texts so I can reply immediately? Stuff like this makes me so angry.
Oh my gosh, she sounds like a child saying "I'm boooooorrrrreeeed." She needs to get a hobby or volunteer somewhere. I'm not going to comment on her most recent text since I don't have anything nice to say :-X

That was my reaction too. She just said talk about "something"?  :doh: :roll:

I agree with telling security that this is a mentally ill woman stalking you. They will handle her from there.

Think about it this way: if a random stranger came up to you and began poking your arm, then pinching, then slapping, then began punching you in the face, what would you do? You wouldn't let it even get past the second step! You'd take steps to protect yourself and call authorities because you are being assaulted.

Your mother is doing that very thing to your emotional health and psyche. She started poking, then pinching, then slapping. She's about to go nuclear, hell, she is going nuclear by screeching about calling hospitals and police because you didn't answer her call. Those are the responses of someone dangerous to your sanity.

Protect yourself. You are allowed to protect yourself from these attacks.
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