Will I always be waiting for an apology?

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Bellie

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Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« on: October 24, 2017, 04:48:07 PM »
Will I always be waiting for an apology?
Knowing that there is no chance of one, will I always be waiting for that magical moment?
It feels like there is 'no conclusion' - not just 'no contact'.
Reminding myself of why I am here helps a lot right now.

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Bill

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2017, 06:10:20 PM »
As far as the personality disordered individuals who make up my dysfunctional family - most do not apologize, ever, and the few that do only apologize to further their own agenda. You can bet that whatever nasty behavior they exhibited for which they have apologized, they will exhibit the same exact behavior sometime down the road.

Someone once explained to me that PD's can't admit fault for anything because they would then have to admit that they may have been wrong about other things they have done in life, and this is just not unacceptable in their little fantasy world.

By the way... I've been waiting for my parents to apologize for their horrific behavior, which was so bad that it caused me to go no contact with them over 4 years ago.  I'm not holding my breath waiting for them to do the decent thing because I have accepted that they never, ever will. Even if they lost every single person in their lives, they would continue to act as they have.  That is just who they are.

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bopper

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2017, 06:19:32 PM »
I think the nefarious thing  about PDers is that they appear sort of normal...so we think they are normal...but really they have a defect in their brain wiring that causes them to act like this.   Think if someone had a brain injury and loss their filter.  You would not expect them to change. You might stay away from them if they were hurtful, or you might not take what they say personally.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
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moglow

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2017, 06:24:15 PM »
Dcox, with deepest empathy, I can only say that the wait for a sincere apology from PD parents may be endless and heartbreaking. In order to provide an apology, one must first admit that one has injured another (even if unintentionally). A person with a PD may be completely incapable of this kind of insight much less admit their own responsibility and refrain from repeat offenses of the same - thus unable to truly apologize and change their behavior.

The conclusion, if there is to be one, is easier than it sounds - acceptance that this is who they are, and have chosen to be. To me, difficult as the process may be, there are always other choices. My choice -trying to find acceptance- isn't easy either, believe me.

I don't think it has to be either no conclusion or no contact. I see a number of shades of gray between, some shades harsher and less forgiving than others. My problem has been forgiving and letting go of the outcome, accepting that no matter my best intentions I'm the only person I can change.

I repeat to myself over and over some days - I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. All I can realistically do is look to myself, accept responsibility for my own behavior and treatment of others, and try to leave the world better than I found it.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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WildflowerFields

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2017, 07:50:38 PM »
This is the thought that popped into my head right after I realized my father is NPD and read all of the descriptions and their inability to change... I realized that a small part of me was hoping one day there would be some type of epiphany for him and he'd realize what he's done and he'd appologize and want to start fresh or have some type of healthy relationship with me ... knowing now that NPD's don't change and don't truly feel empathy... means that that hope I've carried for decades is going away. I will never get closure from him. Not. Ever.  And it's hitting me like a ton of bricks.  I feel like I have to mourn it somehow.... and let it go.  I have decided that I'll have to give myself closure based on this information and accept that as good enough.   Big hugs to you...

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overitall

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2017, 10:46:02 PM »
I used to think it would happen....that uBPDm would apologize for the horrific abuse poured onto me....I fantasized that uNPDf would wake up and beg forgiveness for "looking the other way" while my mother unloaded on me...over and over and over....until I finally escaped at 17.....

The truth is that it will never happen...they have no friends.....they haven't taken responsibility for ANYTHING....my  father is terminally ill and STILL will not accept any responsibility for the mess that my FOO has become....FOO is riddled with FOG, triangulation, backstabbing, smearing, and on and on...everyone is unhappy....unhappy if there is contact and unhappy with NC...it's a lose/lose situation....

I gave up the fantasy when I went full NC over six years ago...I honestly believe that if they were EVER to apologize, it would have been after I went NC (I cannot fathom how a parents does not question why their child ends contact)....I went NC....never heard from them again....they have tried to trigger me throughout the past six years through my adult children, but I have refused to respond to them in any way, shape or form....I would say for the past two years they realize that I will never have any sort of contact with them whatsoever.

At this point in my life, an apology would not mean a thing to me.....I would honestly question as to why NOW?  I have moved on and my life is so much happier than worrying about the drama from FOO....it takes times, it really does and some people process things differently.

I have a sibling that I fought hard to continue a relationship with....it's become apparent that she has adopted many of the PD traits and I believe she may be possible BPD...she has become very, very unpredictable, angry, and rages frequently in public places (quite embarrassing) :stars:

I have found that instead of waiting for an apology, I have allowed myself to release my emotions attached to my FOO....It took a long time...but as guitarman stated so eloquently, "they are just people I used to know."

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MIB

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2017, 11:03:48 PM »
My father has never in my whole life EVER apologized to me. The last time I spoke with him he was horrid, swore at me and belittled both me and my husband. After 2.5 months of NC, he wrote me a letter. In that letter, there was no apology whatsoever, and in fact he told me that for all he and my mother have done for me, we/I could put them up free of charge for the next 20 years and never have repaid what I owe them.

So I think that's the bottom line - they think we are indebted for life, and that allows them to do and say whatever they want. We owe them.

As much as my Dad owes me an apology for his shameful behavior, I think if I were to hold my breath waiting I'd be in really big trouble...  :-\
« Last Edit: October 24, 2017, 11:05:29 PM by MIB »

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Bellie

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2017, 11:17:52 PM »
Thank you so much for your support! And supportive words of wisdom!
Some days NC feels liberating, freeing, open. On other days it feels dark and heavy with so many issues attached...
If my children said they didn't want contact anymore I would be desperately trying to work out why. It seems to me that my NPD mum is just playing a game with me. There is no interest what so ever as to why I need space from her. So, why would I ever expect an apology?
I am going through a hard time coming to terms with the idea that I may never see her again or want to either. It is so sad for her. She may never see her GC again. To me this is a HUGE life decision - to her it is all my fault.
My NPD mum could walk into a room and just look at me and I would know exactly what she was thinking, her mood, everything. I could write a script for her. If I were to write a script for her now it would go something like this:
"Why is darling daughter doing this to me? Doesn't she know how much I love her? After all the things I did for her, gave up for her. I am so helpless in all of this. I am abused by my own daughter. Everyone sees how badly treated I am by her. Everyone knows that I am at the end. And yet she still doesn't see it. Maybe it is her husband? He has turned her against me. And his family. Oh poor poor me. I am so sad all I can do is cry."
I suppose I have answered my own question?!
I will try to keep this in mind : I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.
I am finding this forum so supportive! I am so glad I have found it!
Thank you all! xxxx


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Blueskies

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2017, 06:53:20 AM »
I saw a great video on this and they said you won't get closure from interacting with them. There will be no real apology. Coming to a place of acceptance within yourself is the way forward I believe though there's a lot of grief involved.

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Blueskies

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #9 on: October 25, 2017, 06:58:48 AM »
Thank you so much for your support! And supportive words of wisdom!
Some days NC feels liberating, freeing, open. On other days it feels dark and heavy with so many issues attached...
If my children said they didn't want contact anymore I would be desperately trying to work out why. It seems to me that my NPD mum is just playing a game with me. There is no interest what so ever as to why I need space from her. So, why would I ever expect an apology?
I am going through a hard time coming to terms with the idea that I may never see her again or want to either. It is so sad for her. She may never see her GC again. To me this is a HUGE life decision - to her it is all my fault.
My NPD mum could walk into a room and just look at me and I would know exactly what she was thinking, her mood, everything. I could write a script for her. If I were to write a script for her now it would go something like this:
"Why is darling daughter doing this to me? Doesn't she know how much I love her? After all the things I did for her, gave up for her. I am so helpless in all of this. I am abused by my own daughter. Everyone sees how badly treated I am by her. Everyone knows that I am at the end. And yet she still doesn't see it. Maybe it is her husband? He has turned her against me. And his family. Oh poor poor me. I am so sad all I can do is cry."
I suppose I have answered my own question?!
I will try to keep this in mind : I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.
I am finding this forum so supportive! I am so glad I have found it!
Thank you all! xxxx

Wow, you could have written that script for my M: it's exactly the same stuff she comes out with. They get stuck in the victim role. Mine blames my husband too! I know how painful it is to be put in the abuser role when actually they are the abuser. For me thats the worst part, but it's a classic 'reverse victim and abuser' move. I have to question whether deep down they really believe it or whether it's a line....

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kazzak

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #10 on: October 25, 2017, 06:59:36 AM »
I saw a great video on this

Do you have a link to that so we are familiar with the source?

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nel nel 7

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #11 on: October 25, 2017, 07:33:48 AM »
I accepted a long time ago that I’d never get an apology from either my uBPDm or my uNPDf.

However, I do believe that deep down my mother is aware of what she did. After 8 years of NC with uBPDm, she stays well away and allows me to keep her at a distance. She never questions why I did what I did (going NC) which, to me, kind of shows me that SHE KNOWS exactly why I stopped talking to her. Wouldn’t a parent ask if they genuinely had no idea why you didn’t speak to or see them for 8 years?

My uNPDf I don’t think will ever truly recognize what he’s done, even to himself. It would be a failure for him and his ego is too fragile for that. Nothing is ever his fault, he’s probably fob it all off on my mother.  :wacko:

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Blueskies

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #12 on: October 25, 2017, 09:00:41 AM »
I saw a great video on this

Do you have a link to that so we are familiar with the source?

It was one of the videos by Kris Godinez on Youtube. It may have been one of the ones which I posted on here recently, I can't remember.  I have watched an awful lot of hers recently! This one of hers is about apologies from narcissists and it does have the thing about never getting closure from them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbe5JC9RBVQ

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #13 on: October 25, 2017, 09:52:57 AM »
. . . until I stopped waiting. In other words I was waiting for an apology until I decided to stop waiting. That was what is in my control, choosing to wait or choosing to stop needing one. It went beyond any so-called "letting go" all the way to total :meh: and really and truly deep down inside not needing anyone to acknowledge a thing.

Maybe in a way it had to do with feeling validated, as if others acknowledging any wrongdoing would somehow validate the right to feel hurt. No. Feelings are a personal human right, no one needs permission to feel a feeling.

Personally I believe closure is totally within one's own control, we choose closure, one doesn't need others to acknowledge or give permission. Someone cannot give us closure any more than someone else can fill any other emotional or mental need. It's something we need to work through by ourselves. Again that's just my personal take on it. 

If a person, loved one or otherwise, were to die suddenly how would one gain closure? There would be things left unsaid, things undone, things said or done that cannot be take him back. One would need to work through all of that and to me it's a similar process. Maybe that's why the topic on Grief comes up so often on the boards and it's in the toolbox.

Practical had a really good topic on the process of grieving the death of a relationship. That came to mind when I read your post.
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Bellie

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Re: Will I always be waiting for an apology?
« Reply #14 on: October 25, 2017, 11:02:59 AM »
Stop waiting for someone else to fix my emotional needs. Absolutely!!

My role is - or should I say 'was' - to fix and care for my NPD mother. Her neediness is so absolute.
But it is not my job to fix her. Its not my job to look after her. She will NEVER try to fix me. She will never even try to find out why I have gone NC.

My job is to look after myself and my family. That is the way it should be. I can change how I do that. I can change how I care for myself. But I cannot change my mother. I cannot make her love me. It is in my control to move forward and stop looking back.

When my nana died her last words to me were, "Look after M (my husband) and your girls." She did not say look after your mother. Because my NPD mother is NOT my responsibility.

Wow! These posts are so helpful!! I am so grateful to have found this site.
Much love to everyone xxxxx