Trying to understand why

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Blackduckdiva

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Trying to understand why
« on: October 22, 2017, 07:54:51 PM »
Hi all, I've really struggled to understand WHY uBPDM does what she does to me.
I've come to a realisation over the weekend that as well as the disordered mind, it is boredom. She hasn't ever needed to work full time and she makes fun for herself by picking fights - with me and also with my F.
I have an image of a sea lion playing with its penguin prey.
I've been the unwitting victim all these years, going back in for more torture in the hope of finding love and affection and approval.
I'm not 'accepting her gift' anymore and there is strength in that.
Anyone else feel similarly?
BDD

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practical

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Re: Trying to understand why
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2017, 10:16:03 PM »
What an incredibly sad an acute picture of the sea lion and its penguin prey. For me it is "feelings are facts" and M and F seems to live with an inner storm of feelings, that tries to pull you in like a tornado. The exact "Why" in each instance doesn't matter, it is the storm that matters and how to avoid it.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Malini

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Re: Trying to understand why
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2017, 06:32:20 AM »
BDD, that is a question that has many answers and I think we all ask ourselves why they are how they are and for a lot of our lifetime we felt it was because we 'weren't good enough'.

Knowing why they are how they are won't change them, sadly, and in order to heal, I feel it's better to focus on ourselves. My biggest why ? was 'why doesn't she love me?'. When the canons started blazing and, like you, my B and I came under fire, I really struggled with the fact that there wasn't the tiniest glimmer of love or respect, but mostly love, that would, for any normal parent, make them stop and think - "wait a minute, this is my CHILD, what am I doing?, why am I attacking them, abusing them, stalking them, causing them pain, fear and grief".

So as much as I can see why my parents are disordered because both had a shitty start in life and went on to struggle with their own demons whilst relying on us to make them feel better, powerful, less bored, etc, I frankly don't give a damn anymore because like me, they had chances to change their behaviours and their children gave them multiple chances to 'fix things', at great personal cost.

I think your example of sea lion and penguin prey is a powerful image of how much in peril you felt, time and time again when dealing with your parents. If I remember correctly, with the whole house issue a couple of years back, they DID put you and your children in danger. It's an image which describes the feelings that give us the final push into NC, as our relationship with them suddenly morphs into a battle for survival.

 :hug:

"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
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'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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blues_cruise

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Re: Trying to understand why
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2017, 06:33:45 AM »
I read (or perhaps heard) somewhere that narcissists expect people to leave and reject them eventually, so the constant digs and fights are a strange test of how loyal people will be to them. I think that the cruel behaviour towards other people is a complete power trip too and is a substitute for real self esteem. NF retired young after an exaggerated work injury and I think the lack of mental stimulation probably doesn't help. He chooses to sit in front of the television day after day growing obese on biscuits and other junk rather than trying any self-esteem building hobbies.
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

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Blackduckdiva

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Re: Trying to understand why
« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2017, 07:59:10 AM »
Thanks all xxx

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Danden

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Re: Trying to understand why
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2017, 11:50:03 AM »
I too have thought about why.  I always try to understand things and that helps me with the anxiety and depression.  I agree with Malini that understanding why doesn't change the way things are, however, and we have to act to help ourselves by protecting ourselves through NC. 

In my case, the best explanation I can come up for why? is that I represent for my M the things that threaten her, the things that put her outside of her comfort zone and this hits on all her insecurities.  She is unhappy with some things in her life, and she cannot accept her life the way it is.  She is just unable to find this peace within herself.  So she strikes out at all the people close to her.  Basically she just can't deal with her own stuff.  I remember growing up that typically, she would come home from work and rant and rave out loud for some time about things that went on at work that she was unhappy about.  She was expressing and venting her frustration and anger to whom, exactly?  To the universe?  To her family, as if we were responsible or as if we could do something about it?  She just can't deal with her own emotions.  So she expresses it in a dysfunctional way.

I am her daughter, and I have my own chance at life.  This reminds her of her own unhappy life and the experiences that are behind her.  I grew up in America and have more opportunities in life than she had.  I am open-minded and willing to take risks in life, which I have done and which has turned out well for me.  I am not bound by the opinions of a small immigrant community of people as she is.  I am not tied to this community as she is.  I made my own money in life and so I am not dependent on her or beholden to her financially.  I have a personality that doesn't accept her opinions as to what she wants for my life.  Most of all, I tell her when she is wrong when no-one else does.  I do not acquiesce to her wrong-headed ideas or to her hurtful behavior.  These are things she just hates and hates.  Basically, she hates me for who I am.  I am not her puppet.  She resents me in the same way that a coworker or neighbor would envy or resent another person who has something they don't have.  Except she is (was) in my inner circle.  That is what makes it difficult.  It is not a behavior or feeling one ever expects from a parent.  She sees me as a person who is a potential threat to her somehow, because she is insecure, and she is not happy with her own life.  She has a need to control and she cannot control me.  I think she could only feel safe if she could control others or control situations.  I tried for many years to "pretend" that I need her, to give her the illusion that I need her, because that was the only way to have a relationship with her, as that is the only way she relates.

So that is the best answer I have as to why?.  Of course there are many layers to this and it is different for everybody.  I hope you can find your own answer and that it gives you some peace.

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moglow

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Re: Trying to understand why
« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2017, 12:39:37 PM »
This is similar to how I see my mother as well:

Quote from: Danden
In my case, the best explanation I can come up for why? is that I represent for my M the things that threaten her, the things that put her outside of her comfort zone and this hits on all her insecurities.  She is unhappy with some things in her life, and she cannot accept her life the way it is.  She is just unable to find this peace within herself.  So she strikes out at all the people close to her.  Basically she just can't deal with her own stuff. 

That said, I'm not excusing what mothet does or erasing her responsibility for the very real, deliberate harm she causes. I can see (I think) where it comes from. That doesn't mean I can -or should- fix it, or that it's in any way my responsibility to fix things for her, regardless of her insistence to the contrary.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Trying to understand why
« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2017, 06:35:38 PM »
Hi all, I've really struggled to understand WHY uBPDM does what she does to me.
I've come to a realisation over the weekend that as well as the disordered mind, it is boredom. She hasn't ever needed to work full time and she makes fun for herself by picking fights - with me and also with my F.
I have an image of a sea lion playing with its penguin prey.
I've been the unwitting victim all these years, going back in for more torture in the hope of finding love and affection and approval.
I'm not 'accepting her gift' anymore and there is strength in that.
Anyone else feel similarly?
BDD

I am sure there are many reasons why BPD's do what they do, but I do think boredom is a contributor. I know for at least some of the abuse my mom does to people, some of it is because she is bored. She is an ex-drug user alcoholic, and with her she does get high by messing with people. She gets a hit of dopamine in her brain and she feels powerful and pleasure. I have seen it. She will take every opportunity. She is the only person I know that loves it when a telemarketer calls, she will insult, berate and threaten them. I am surprised she doesn't thank them for calling and giving her an opportunity to abuse them. It gives her pleasure.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill