Great info if you don't want to go No Contact with your BPD parent

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AdultChildinthefog

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I have been listening to this book and it takes a very scientific approach to BPD and how to compassionately understand the metal illness and how to effectively deal with a BPD loved one.  I've been having difficulty finding good reference books to help me in trying to maintain low contact with my uBPD parent without going no contact.  This one is worth a read/listen if you find yourself wanting to maintain some kind of relationship.

"Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder; A Family Guide for Healing and Change" by Valerie Porr, MA

I also found this website helpful:  http://www.tara4bpd.org/

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Great info if you don't want to go No Contact with your BPD parent
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2017, 04:20:54 PM »
I checked out the website and book description as Id like help with doing the same.

Does anyone else find the website and book description a bit upsetting (triggering)? Logically, I know that validating and having empathy for PDs suffering does not invalidate my own hurtful experiences. Emotionally, I feel like I am being told that BPDm is excused for all of the pain she has caused. Just curious if others have this reaction as well? Maybe I am still feeling anger and not as close to acceptance as I thought?
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Great info if you don't want to go No Contact with your BPD parent
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2017, 07:27:03 PM »
I checked out the website and book description as Id like help with doing the same.

Does anyone else find the website and book description a bit upsetting (triggering)? Logically, I know that validating and having empathy for PDs suffering does not invalidate my own hurtful experiences. Emotionally, I feel like I am being told that BPDm is excused for all of the pain she has caused. Just curious if others have this reaction as well? Maybe I am still feeling anger and not as close to acceptance as I thought?

I dont think you are alone. I remember when I was going to buy my first book on BPD I was reading all the reviews on Amazon. I remember people sharing the same sentiment regarding this book, so I chose the Understanding the Borderline Mother one instead. Which was not at all sympathetic to BPD abuse.

I was wary of that reading the introduction. But I did enjoy how validating it was for how the behavior affects my life, actions, feelings and beliefs. I actually have the introduction still open on a tab on my phone and I keep reading it. Over again.

I also have the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and it has vignettes from people with BPD explaining what they are thinking and why they do what they do. It is clear about setting limits with them, having boundaries, but I was a bit triggered by that as well. Not that I dont what to see things from their side, but that I need to figure ME out. Not spend as much time with the why they are the way they are. I dont know if that makes sense.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Great info if you don't want to go No Contact with your BPD parent
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2017, 07:31:19 PM »
OOoops!!! I totally got this post confused with the other post about the BPD book! I am sorry!!!!
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Great info if you don't want to go No Contact with your BPD parent
« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2017, 02:14:26 AM »
No worries, your comments were still relevant  ;) I felt that way about Walking on Eggshells also.
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

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Fightsong

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Re: Great info if you don't want to go No Contact with your BPD parent
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2017, 06:24:59 AM »
Yes.  I looked at the website and yes me too.

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Blueskies

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Re: Great info if you don't want to go No Contact with your BPD parent
« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2017, 06:50:35 AM »
I checked out the website and book description as Id like help with doing the same.

Does anyone else find the website and book description a bit upsetting (triggering)? Logically, I know that validating and having empathy for PDs suffering does not invalidate my own hurtful experiences. Emotionally, I feel like I am being told that BPDm is excused for all of the pain she has caused. Just curious if others have this reaction as well? Maybe I am still feeling anger and not as close to acceptance as I thought?

I have the same reaction!! I actually bought a book on this and found it too painful to read. For me it would be one thing if my M was seeking help and trying to work on herself but she isn't she's just constantly attacking me and trying to hurt me. Also I have tried to be empathic...she doesn't want empathy, she wants control and it's terrifying. I don't think I can read this stuff without getting triggered.

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AdultChildinthefog

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Re: Great info if you don't want to go No Contact with your BPD parent
« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2017, 02:50:44 PM »
It may also depend on where each of us is at in our journey through Out of the FOG and how abusive our parent has been.  I am 13 months out my parents were on the less abusive side compared to some of the accounts I've read here.  I went through many months of denial, pain, hurt, anger, then finally acceptance and then circled back as my BPD parents acted up.  For me the book was helpful in understanding the whys of the way they act and that it's really nothing to do with me.  I'm not to blame for their behavior but I can take certain empathetic steps in having a better relationship with them.  One example it used was if you had a family member with a severe food allergy, you wouldn't blame them for that allergy and just keep serving the allergic food.  You would change your cooking and shopping habits to remove that food from the household.  Thus we have a parent(s) with a mental illness and there are certain changes we can make to help them and our relationships with them.

The book is also really good in explaining that empathy is not forgiveness or acceptance of bad BPD behavior but more of understanding that it is a mental illness and how to navigate the illness.  Validation is a key area discussed.  Validation as they describe is also not agreement with the person's thoughts or actions but basically acknowledging that this is how they FEEL.  We all know that Feelings equal facts for our BPD parents many times.  The book goes through many examples of how to validate and how validation often times calms a BPD person from escalating emotion.  It also reiterates not flying in and doing and fixing for our BDP parent and that they need to experience the natural consequences of their behavior.   I found the information very helpful and thought for those who don't want no contact may also find new tools, ideas and information here.

Another new thing I learned was that studies have shown that those with BPD interpret a neutral reaction from others as a negative reaction.  This alone could help in how we respond to our BPD parents.

« Last Edit: October 25, 2017, 03:32:28 PM by AdultChildinthefog »