Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...

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moglow

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There've been several discussions here lately that have had me nodding my head, sharing similar experiences, commiserating over the sheer stupidity of it all, and trying to help find the courage to do what I/we know is best for me/us.  I just wanted to share the latest moglow chapter with y'all...

For the uninitiated, my mother is presumed B/H/NPD [... jklmnop, I don't know what it is really, but she pings hard in more than one of the overdramatic PDs].  As with most of you, this isn't a new thing - there's no one incident or confrontation, but decades of abusing others and poor choices on her part. But it's always somebody else's fault, something was done to her or somebody talked about her and "I don't know where this comes from!"  Over and over ad nauseum, all my life.

Apparently mommie dearest has once again had the epiphany that she needs to "do something" about her non-relationship with my oldest brother [henceforth #1].  To my knowledge they've had little to no contact in a number of years.  We don't talk about her other than very rare brief exchanges.  He does consent to exchange occasional texts, but that's so he doesn't have to hear her voice [!].  #1's not a warm and fuzzy kind of guy on the best of days, and she's pushed him and his children aside too many times for him to fall for her bs now.  There again, she always has some piss poor excuse for why they are the way they are [or not, as the case may be], same as with her limited relationship with the rest of us. 

Anyhoo, she's been having joint issues for several years now, talks about it every time you speak with her pretty much to the exclusion of all else.  Last year she had her doctor send #1 [also a doctor] xray reports, to see what he thought.  Her joints are bad, really bad, and they're recommending replacement.  But no, she wants to talk about it. And talk about it. Then talk about it some more.  If it's that bad, and three doctors say replacement, nothing else is helping, well ... do something. 

About a monthago or more like two months now, mother called brother #1, wanting to talk about the reports.  Me:  Wait - you sent them a year ago and are just now asking him about them, you didn't talk to him then??? Yeah, I got silence when I asked, then a snipey response that she had other things on her mind.  But you sent him the reports and went round the fucking bend with ME over xray reports that I can't interpret because I'm not a doctor, on the day I've had oral surgery and am having a bad reaction to pain meds ... Whatev.  But according to mommie dearest, #1 just blew up for no reason when they talked this time, said they've not talked more than a dozen times in the 40 years since he moved out of her house at 17.  My brain says:  This is not new news.  A "dozen" may even be a generous estimate.  But noooooo!  In her mind this all came out of nowhere and makes no sense. He lit into her and was "an angry young man" [he's 57, by the by] for no reason whatsoever. 

So wait.  You call your son after years of near silence, asking what he thought about xrays and what you should do, and he launched into ancient history with no provocation whatsoever?  Bro #1?  Nuh uh, I ain't buying it. He doesn't talk to her for a reason - he cringes at the sound of that sniping venomous tone, the snotty way she phrases things to people, like they're beneath her.  He does, I do, other people do.  It's clear as a bell and no mistaking it.  He just doesn't put up with or make excuses for it.  He calls her on the way she talks to him, cuts her off at the pass and either redirects or ends the call.  Thing is, she told me all this WEEKS ago, brought it all up again tonight for reasons I'm not clear.  Her parting shot last time implied that he'd cut her off and since I work for him it's a package deal.  :dramaqueen:

BUT, the piece de resistance, and I will quote this one:  "Somebody has been feeding his anger, and I haven't been talking to him. So it has to be coming from somewhere else.  The only connection between me and your brother is YOU." Silence.  Cold dead silence while I let her word settle around me.  Is she HIGH??  So my brain [and some of my mouth] says - You're actually saying *I* am the problem between you and your son??!!  That even though you admittedly haven't spoken to him in you don't know how long, your daughter is somehow to blame for the breakdown?  I'm the common denominator in YOUR relationship with your son?? You've said and done nothing here that might explain what happened between you - it's all "somebody else"??  That relationship is between the two of you, I'm not in it and never have been.  Matter of fact, I've said many times I am not going to be caught in the middle here.  If you have a problem with him you need to talk to HIM.  And again she comes back with, I work for him, manage his office, so "somebody" must be talking.  Oh hell no.  I am not buying what she's selling.

I damn near lost it and apparently she realized just how incredibly stupid it sounded.  Or she realized she just mortally pissed me off, she started backpedaling pretty fast.  She detoured and I let her, marking it in my mind for future reference so I could return to it the next time she brings it up.  Because you know and I know that she will.  But yeah.  She basically ignores and/or abuses her own son most of his life, but when he steps up and tells her he's done and he cut her out years ago, it's MY fault.  Yeah.  Whatever helps you sleep at night ...
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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PinkDress

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So you became the SG (probably have been before too) so mumsies never has to admit the problem is HER.  :stars: :doh:

I'm sorry you're traveling through this, while there is some stuff that's so out there I had to laugh at it, this is seriously crazy stuff to muck through. Hugs, friend.
"In the long run, the sharpest weapon of all is a kind and gentle spirit." Anne Frank

"God sees people as His own treasures, so be careful how you treat them."

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moglow

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Thx, Pink - it really sounds as crazy outside as it does in my head?? The mind boggles.

Yeah fuck all that noise she's spewing.  I've never been the golden child, and frankly he's not fared so well over time either.  It's funny [not] but when you write it all out then read it back, realizing you left stuff out and it's STILL crazy as the day is long.  I mean, really, you can't make this shit up.  "Oh no, I haven't talked to him in years but YOU are the problem between me and him..."  Said it out loud in so many words, as if it made perfect sense.  I almost wish I'd been sitting there where she could see the dumbfounded look on my face, asking her to repeat that because I know I didn't hear what just came out of her mouth. Then respond with Are. You. High?? 

I need to piece together my response for the next round:  We are not having this conversation and I don't want to hear it again [lather rinse repeat ONE TIME, then end the call when she plows on].
« Last Edit: October 26, 2017, 02:51:08 AM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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Blueskies

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Really really reminds me of my uBPM who has blamed the breakdown of our relationship on my undisgnosed mental illness (which does not exist) and on my bf who she thinks has turned me against her. I relate to the poor reasoning and entirely circumstantial evidence - ie there is a problem, it can't be me so it must by you or some other poor sucker who she can project stuff onto.

Good for your brother for having boundaries!

I'm glad your M back pedalled. i think they create an alternative reality in their heads to avoid the possibility of rejection or the realisation that they are anything other than perfect. My M uses that snotty, I'm better than all of you tone, and I hate it. Alway the victim, even when attacking. I don't think you can get through to her. And it's NOT normal to send your x-rays to everyone!! She's milking it for attention.
Maybe next time you can say, look M I'm not a medical professional, I think you need to discuss this with your doctor (or a therapist!)


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broken

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Your poor mother.  She's probably getting no rest, trying to rewrite the whole episode in her head, with enough twists and turns to make the whole thing Moglow's fault  :stars:

(You did know 'your poor mother' was sarcasm, right?  :wave:).

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Spring Butterfly

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Wow really wound up and spinning like a top that one!
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
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practical

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The lack of ability to take responsibility goes a long with a highly developed capability to shift blame, both with the same goal: "Me, who? No, I cannot do anything wrong! It was ..." If they would just blame it on the stars, it being Tuesday or something, maybe it would be "cute", but the blame always comes with an attack on some other poor human being, this time it was your turn.

Yep, it sounds crazy, even the shortened version sounds crazy. The bad influence blame shifting is I think a classic, it must be on page 1 in the chapter "How to shift blame" in the PD play book. I don't know how often M has blamed friends, colleagues to be a bad influence on me, rather than think about what I had told & written her was the problem between us. Your brother sounds very much like his own man, so if you can influence him, you must have some secret power, you are a Very Influential Person, and deserve special treatment. Real logic would dictate to be nice to you, so you use your influence to sway him in her direction, but no, in her mind blaming you is the way to go. :fallingbricks: (Honestly, the "could you use your influence to convince B to do such and such" isn't much better, my whole FOO used to tell me that I could convince another FOO member of whatever they wanted because I had a special relationship  :sadno: .)
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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raindrop

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Yep totally nutso... I don't get how they can be so utterly in denial. Like not just a bit, but a truly alternate universe. Bizarre.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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daughter

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Our pd-disordered parents usually refuse to acknowledge any complicity in their adult-child's estrangement.  It's either "a total mystery", or "someone else's fault!", viewed as something inexplicably "done to them".  Our parents present themselves as clueless innocent victims.  They're "deeply hurt", baffled, and able to blame anyone else within elbow-reach.

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practical

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It is very much (2 x 3 = 4) + 3 = 9  :stars: or in short "I create my own world the way I like it" (plus the unspoken: and you better play the part I'm assigning you or I'll be :mad: :pissed: :bawl: ). Best strategy in my experience   :spaceship:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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all4peace

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If you're a truth teller and OOTF, you probably have a big old target on our back. I would imagine that I'm also getting the blame for my siblings changing their behavior towards our parents and starting to call them out on their behavior.

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Bloomie

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moglow - your mother revealed a lot about herself from the bit you share here. I can only imagine what the full conversation was like! 😳

Though you know her only too well and what she is capable of, this had to send you reeling. You handled yourself so well!  I am so glad you spoke up for yourself and so sorry you had to go through it! :hug:

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coyote

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All I can say about your mom is "well bless her little heart." (Southern code for How can she be that dense?)
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wont feel harmed. Dont feel harmed and you havent been. -Marcus Aurelius

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moglow

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It's just bizzarro world over and over again. Such a small sad limited world in her brain. I honest to God do not know how the woman functions. And again, this isn't new stuff. It didn't just happen, it's not about her being old (79) or a widow or retired or in pain or the myriad of other bullshit she spews out there every damn time I repeat back the insanity she just voiced. This is who she is - and you're all to blame for it!
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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daughterofbpd

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How about "Are you really trying to alienate your child that is still speaking to you?"  :stars:
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

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moglow

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Y'all are the best, and I'm blessed to have you on this journey so I realize I'm not as whacked as I think I am!  But really - you've met her, haven't you?  There are hidden cameras and recorders I know nothing about?? Uncanny, what y'all are saying here.
Quote from: daughterofbpd
How about "Are you really trying to alienate your child that is still speaking to you?"  :stars:

SERIOUSLY?!! why the hell didn't I think this until just now?!  Shit, I need to call that woman back and point that out.

Quote from: Bloomie
moglow - your mother revealed a lot about herself from the bit you share here. I can only imagine what the full conversation was like!]Though you know her only too well and what she is capable of, this had to send you reeling. You handled yourself so well!

Truth?  This is all bravado - I'm Not handling it well at all today.  On the surface, yes.  Underneath I'm churning - and yearning to call her and go for round 2.  Not entirely sure that won't happen later.  Pretty sure I won't feel remotely apologetic or guilty for it.

Quote from: Broken
Your poor mother.  She's probably getting no rest, trying to rewrite the whole episode in her head, with enough twists and turns to make the whole thing Moglow's fault  (You did know 'your poor mother' was sarcasm, right?  ).

OMG Yes!!  Howling over here, if it weren;t so very not funny - so very spot on!

I lay in bed last night playing it over and over in my mind.  Mother claims she doesn't understand why this distance, why they/we don't have a relationship, all the while saying over and over again that they don't talk. Literally do not talk, doesn't remember the last time they talked. And she STILL doesn't see it - that to have an actual relationship with others, you talk, you share, you are interested in others and their lives and the world around you. It doesn't just happen because we were born. She doesn't see that her "talking" for most/all of our lives has been a long sad litany of complaints, criticism and condemnation of any and everybody around her.Worse, I didn't even go into with her what was for him the final straw. See, we don't have holiday gatherings - stopped years ago and found other places to be because her holiday/special occasion performances were so painful. They destroyed otherwise peaceful days and left bad tastes in everybody's mouths for weeks after. This Christmas in question was some eight or so years ago now - about a week before #1 asked me how I'd feel if he invited her to Christmas dinner with us.  I wasn't thrilled but felt the same "nobody should have to be alone for the holiday" guilt.  So he calls and invites her.  She's over the moon excited - too excited. She had time to prepare ... yeah, you know going in this isn't going to end well.  But hope springs eternal.

Christmas morning arrives; we're having lunch at my brother's at about 1pm.  I'm up and cooking my contributions, making and taking various calls, I notice an unknown number has called and I assumed it's a mistake.  Around 1030 or so, the phone rings and it's brother #2 - he's hauling mommie dearest with him, clarifies lunch time, they should be there well before 1pm.  I continue on, go to #1 to help sis finish cooking, setting the table etc.  And we wait.  #1 thought mother would be with me - supposedly she'd called and said "they" were in his driveway, come open the door"??  She's being her kind of funny, I guess.  Just after 1pm #1 phone rings - it's her.  She's having car trouble and won't be able to make it, not can we hold dinner later but she's not coming at all.  WHAT?  It's Christmas day, you're already late [almost two hour drive away] and you're just now calling?  She edgy and sniping on the phone, something else is up here.  She stumbles over her story, so it's clear she's not telling the truth, but we have no idea what version of the truth she's clinging to.

We go ahead with lunch, trying to piece together what the hell happened and when.  None of the pieces fit.  The phone calls to both me and #1 [as it turns out] were from her on her cell phone, and brother #2 left the messages.  They were together for at least part of the morning. He said they're "in town" but they aren't here??  Where the hell are they?  Later that day I talk to #2 - mommie dearest had a four alarm meltdown Christmas morning.  She had no idea what time lunch was, and apparently never asked.  They drove to #1 house two hours away and were in town by 930 that morning, drove around until after noon, and he pulled the plug on her performance.  They never stopped in the driveway, never knocked on a door, never let anyone know they were actually IN TOWN that day. She saw the garage was still closed and turned it into she wasn't welcome, never felt welcome, she's tired of being treated "this way" etc - forgetting that nobody was looking for or expecting her four hours early! In bro #2 words, he derailed an oncoming train by taking her ranting raving unhappy ass back home.  She lied.  Baldfaced, cold blooded lied, because she invented crazy shit in her own head, dredged up ancient history that had not one thing to do with Christmas dinner, and #2 decided he didn't want to inflict it on the rest of the family.  To quote #1 "this will not happen again."

About a month later - her norm, give her tornado time to settle when she assumes everybody is over it - she calls and leaves a nasty voicemail for #1.  I overheard it as he listened to it in his office.  Oh. My. God. She was nasty - and this is not the man or the subject to screw with.  Basically "this silent treatment [from you] ain't getting it."  NOT silent treatment, he simply had nothing to say to her, with good reason.  I let him know I overheard it, we talked briefly and I went home.  About an hour later he called and told me, whatever you do don't answer it if that woman calls you.  She's well and truly mad and you don't need or deserve what she'd dishing out. Talk to her another time if you want, but not today.  She left 7-9 long rambling increasingly ugly voicemails that day and I fell apart at the seams listening to them.  She let me know just how little she thought of me, my brother, his wife, etc etc until I was physically sick.  I threw up and the whole nine, damn near ended up in the emergency room it was so bad.

And yet all these years later, she doesn't know what happened.  Why he doesn't call.  Why we rarely visit.  Or how things got where they are.  Or even that this wasn't an isolated rare occurrence that only affected him and her.  Yeah.  This is my life, people.

« Last Edit: October 26, 2017, 05:09:28 PM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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Bloomie

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Oh Mo I hope I didn't in anyway invalidate how difficult this is by saying you handled it well - just meant you were quick on your feet and wise in how you responded. Your mother's false accusations, sabotaging relationships, blame shifting and all out abusive behaviors toward her children are terrible.

Would it help YOU to tell her your truth... all of your truth and then drop the rope?

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moglow

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Oh God no, Bloomie - I guess I didn't realize how adept I am at faking it!  The sarcasm it is strong when I get wound up - but I've never dared dump it right back in her lap.  Maybe she needs a solid dose of what she's dished so long.

SO much more came into and keeps pouring into my brain, that I desperately want to say to her and have never dared.  That Christmas?  She's wiped it like it never happened, like we imagined it and blew it all out of proportion, that she's some sweet little granny who has no idea why we never invite her.  No.  You lied and stood your family up for Christmas dinner, deliberately and with malice aforethought.  You were rude and disrespectful and vicious for no reason other than crap you dredged up from ancient history and recreated problems that never existed.  You then turned it around that YOU were attacked and got silent treatment, when your children decided to let you stew in the poisons of your own making.  No.  It's not even the only one, just the most recent.

She'll never hear it but I wonder if I can at last lance the wound without making myself sick.  I've been edging there more and more the past few years, more than once in the past year even [which she sideswiped in her rant about my brother last night].  I just don't know how to start without her shutting it down immediately with her freaking excuses.  She kept saying over and over last night "that's not what I said!" when I quoted back exactly what she had JUST said - but "that's not what she meant."  Then don't fucking say it at all, is that not an option?!  Say what you mean and mean what you say - and leave me the hell out of this bullshit!

Nope, not my best day, but I'm finding my way through.  Y'all are helping me lay breadcrumbs so I can get back out.  "Talking" it out like this has become my best defense against the inner demons.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Spring Butterfly

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Keep talking, let it all out, we're here for you :hug:
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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VividImagination

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"You don't know why he doesn't want a relationship with you? Why not ASK him?"

That would bring crickets, cause she just don't wanna know.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.