Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...

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SmolderingDragon

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They'll shift blame the size of Mt Everest just so they don't ever have to take responsibility. A truly spectacular feat.  :snort:
"Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go." -- Mark Twain

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all4peace

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moglow, the whole "not talking" part. It sounds just like my uNBPD?m. She cannot be bothered to pick up a phone and communicate with her kids but complained all the time how "the boys" weren't in touch with her. Can't tell you how many times I asked if she had bothered to call them. Just kept on crying about it to the person who DID talk to her still, me.  :stars:

My sister said something profound once. She said: "I think M knows exactly what it takes to have a good relationship, but she just doesn't like the work."

Self reflection, self control, generosity, compassion, effort, consideration. Blah. That's exhausting. It is soooooo much easier to sit back helplessly, cry, whine, blameshift, rug sweep, and rewrite the story.

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Terichan

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Wow, mo, that's some story. Holy cow. I just don't get it, your mother must have put so, so much energy into screwing with her kids' heads that day with this grand plan to... what, exactly? Spread some wonderful unhappiness, chaos and anger for the holidays? And why, she was invited to spend Christmas with her children, why sabotage it?? The way she thinks is almost beyond my capacity to understand. It's amazing you've made it this far with that woman as a "mother"!

You not getting into what was the final straw for brother #1 was very wise, all it would do is bring more denial, anger, chaotic thinking, making you even more upset than you are now. So many PDs don't get it, they just don't, they (at least my parents, and I'd guess your mother) DO think that relationships just "happen" because we were born, and are supposed to last until the day they die. No caring about us, no interest in our lives, no loving behavior, nay, not even any love for us, even the most basic acknowledgement of our humanity or our individuality is not required from them, ever. It's sickening.

I can tell how angry you are at your mother, keep talking it out here, you ain't gonna get nowhere with her. Ugh!

 :hug:
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
― Thich Nhat Hanh

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practical

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Quote
She let me know just how little she thought of me, my brother, his wife, etc etc until I was physically sick.  I threw up and the whole nine, damn near ended up in the emergency room it was so bad.

And yet all these years later, she doesn't know what happened.  Why he doesn't call.  Why we rarely visit.  Or how things got where they are.  Or even that this wasn't an isolated rare occurrence that only affected him and her.  Yeah.  This is my life, people.
Getting physically sick from listening to her VMs - it tells you how traumatized you are, how much she is a trigger for you. I understand wanting to say your piece, just weigh carefully whether the price of having to listen to her interruptions is worth it. DH had that fantasy of gagging my F, so he could tell him all the things F has done to me over the years without being interrupted. As this is clearly not an option, maybe wait till she has laryngitis and cannot say a damn thing? Problem is she would physically hear it all then in uninterrupted sentences, emotionally she would still not hear it, would change the meaning of your sentences before you even had finished them.

Wow, mo, that's some story. Holy cow. I just don't get it, your mother must have put so, so much energy into screwing with her kids' heads that day with this grand plan to... what, exactly? Spread some wonderful unhappiness, chaos and anger for the holidays? And why, she was invited to spend Christmas with her children, why sabotage it?? The way she thinks is almost beyond my capacity to understand.
I'll hazard a wild guess from having watched my parents:
Stage 1: She gets excited about the invitation, gets all wound up and over the moon happy, spins out scenarios in her head how she is the beloved mother hen with all her children. She is so anxious to enact those imaginations (I'm using the plural on purpose, because there are so many  :roll: ) and so detached from reality, she doesn't ask for the time and makes B #2 pick her up at a time that makes sense to her because she wants to be there early for the performance, before the curtain rises. As the star, she needs to be there early to powder her nose and receive her admirers before the performance for the general public begins.
Stage 2: B #2 picks her up and during the 2 hour drive and all the extra time because they got there way to early some dim memories of reality sneak up on her, how there was a fight at some previous special occasions, how her kids didn't worship her, how she wasn't treated as the star, wasn't the center of attention, in short how none of her dreams came true. She cannot deal with these glimpses of reality, never mind actually experience this reality which clashes with her imaginations. So time to come up with a plan B to derail the whole thing, so she doesn't have to "endure" another dinner like this with her ungrateful children. Let the lying start, the rewriting of facts.
Stage 3: The garage door is closed - really it could have been anything, the driveway isn't shoveled, the newspaper sitting in the driveway, wrong color of curtains for the season - she is frantically looking for an excuse to not go, so her imaginations don't have to be faced with reality. Like a little child she is afraid of rejection, so to spare herself from it, she rejects first, decides you aren't good enough for her, you clearly aren't loving her enough, because there aren't garlands or a welcoming committee, so there, see how you feel without me, how miserable you'll be in my absence :dramaqueen: .
Stage 4: A month later she has rewritten this special day solidly, it is now set in stone like Hammurabis Law, and she calls to proclaim it to B #1 and you, expecting you to fall over yourself and apologize, resume the worship of her.  :sadno: - And no, at no point did it dawn on her that she is playing a role in this repeating drama, actually the staring role that determines the outcome.

Keep writing, whatever you decide to do. :grouphug:
« Last Edit: October 26, 2017, 08:49:06 PM by practical »
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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moglow

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Frightening and dismaying how accurate that reenactment is, Practical. The only part missing is

Epilogue:
Years later it is further interpreted and resolved in her mind that previously discussed incident never occurred. Horrible ungrateful "children" have cut her out of their lives for no known reason, regardless if all she's done for them.

Yep. That about covers it.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Blueskies

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OMG Moglow, I just read your Christmas day story. Yikes! Sooo reminds me of my M. I used to be physically sick after speaking to her - I know this crazy, blamey, viciousness well. Thank goodness your brother thought to take her home and not inflict her on anyone!! And taking the garage being shut as a sign of not being welcome...total projection...I've heard of PD people reading into things but that's taking it to a whole new level. The part about leaving the tornado to settle down and then assuming everyone is over it is very familiar too...my M even mocks me for not being 'over it'.

At the end of the day you have no control over the alternative reality in her head, but you do not have to expose yourself to it! Your M sounds really ill and unstable. I know how distressing that is, but there's not really any solution aside from her getting psychiatric help. I'm firmly of the 'you have to put your own oxygen mask on first' school of thought after spending years suffering physically and mentally from my M's onslaughts. You can't make her better, so you might as well look after yourself. You don't need to be food for her narcissistic fixes.

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xredshoesx

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i've learned how to process my own trauma and grief over my own biological mother better over the years we've been posting together and i feel you on this- it's like she just won't go away and keeps you in the circle just enough to yank your chain and throw you back to the proverbial wolves.

just keep doing you girl.  you handle these episodes with a grace and wisdom that i do not have the capability to duplicate.

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moglow

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I've not called and don't think I will. I don't have the energy or the heart for it. I'm tired. Tired Of the tirades and tantrums. Tired of the endless roller coaster. Tired if knowing there is and will always be another self created drama in her mind, and that she will drag anyone into it. I'm tired of going through this shit every fucking year - some ridiculous dredged up crap designed to push everybody away so she can cry and be a victim all through the holidays. I'm tired if explaining yet again that no, I won't be around. Ill be working (petsitting) so my clients can travel to be with their loved ones. How ironic.


I'm just tired today.

« Last Edit: October 27, 2017, 10:45:31 AM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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all4peace

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:bighug:

This gets so exhausting. I hope you have some time and energy to do something for yourself today.

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Spring Butterfly

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Eventually there's just the straw that finally breaks us. They keep pushing and pushing like there's no breaking point to us ...until they snap our brains completely shattering it to bits.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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bopper

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Why do you take her calls?
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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moglow

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Why: Obligation (fear and guilt fell to the wayside years ago). Empathy and compassion for what it's like to feel painfully alone and unwanted, knowing you're all you have and no one else can fix this.


But love, joy, happiness, warmth ... None of that enters into it anymore. Not even a pretense. Just a glimmer here and there of what could have been, had she been remotely capable. It continues to be a harsh lesson in realities.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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VividImagination

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I love you, Mo. Get some Vitamin Sea.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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moglow

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You made me cry with that, Viv - I love you too. Thank you.

Damned if she didn't just leave a chirpy message that she sent me a video but I hadn't responded, all chipper because she feels better. Fuck. Means she's dredging up the damn blocked cellphone issue again, just can't let sleeping dogs lie. I can't today. I just can't. These horcruxes are killing me.
« Last Edit: October 27, 2017, 03:45:11 PM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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practical

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Why: Obligation (fear and guilt fell to the wayside years ago). Empathy and compassion for what it's like to feel painfully alone and unwanted, knowing you're all you have and no one else can fix this.
Are you sure she actually is truly aware of being alone, unwanted? Yes, at some level hence the dramas, the chaos, I do think though it is quite different from you and me. My M was a charming extrovert and thought she was the greatest, beloved by everybody. She had friends (different from your M) and would never have described herself as lonely, despite the emotional loneliness driving what she did especially to her family, despite it being the root for so much of her abuse. She somehow managed to paint right over that gaping hole. F has raised being alone to a choice for the select few, special people like him, never mind that his emotional loneliness just like M's drives his behavior towards his family, is the root for chaos, drama and abuse. So what I'm trying to say is, could it be you are projecting? That you assume your M experiences the loneliness the way you do? I truly doubt it, as her mind has created defense mechanisms you and I don't have, ways to make reality disappear and create a new one.

The other thing is, your compassion, you talking to her is not really helping her it seems, except if you consider volunteering to be a mouse she can play with, pounce on, maul as helping her. I don't think she really feels better on the inside by the end of the calls you have with her. She may feel smug like she showed you, worked out some of her anger, desperation, fear on you, but I don't think she feels any less lonely, anxious or angry. I have compassion for F, I had for M, I also trained myself very hard to feel compassion for myself (no easy feat) and I had to accept that my compassion for them made no change in their lives other than maybe a short lived blip, but made mine a hell of a lot worse when I acted on it, made myself vulnerable to them.

I've not called and don't think I will. I don't have the energy or the heart for it. I'm tired. Tired Of the tirades and tantrums. Tired of the endless roller coaster. Tired if knowing there is and will always be another self created drama in her mind, and that she will drag anyone into it. I'm tired of going through this shit every fucking year - some ridiculous dredged up crap designed to push everybody away so she can cry and be a victim all through the holidays. I'm tired if explaining yet again that no, I won't be around. Ill be working (petsitting) so my clients can travel to be with their loved ones. How ironic.


I'm just tired today.


Don't play, don't take her invitation. Delete the voice mails without listening, block her number, give yourself this as an early Christmas gift. If something serious happens to her, the hospital, police, somebody will contact one of her children, other than that I don't really think you need to know what she is doing, as a matter of fact you do know what she is doing, gearing up for the next abuse cycle. -  And yes, it is very ironic what you are doing on Xmas.

Eventually there's just the straw that finally breaks us. They keep pushing and pushing like there's no breaking point to us ...until they snap our brains completely shattering it to bits.
For me it was 4 weeks ago. F had already broken all the straws, he turned them into dust that day.

Give yourself the gift of a Time Out, one you decide on, not her choice which is ST.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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moglow

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That's what I meant, that I know how it feels to be alone and unwanted, knowing you have to go it alone. I have no partner, no children. It's just me. I look at it from that context, knowing that whatever is to be done for me will be by me. There's no one to just step up and handle it for me and hasn't been for many years. It's not always easy, but you learn to ask for help - look at others and realize they have their own responsibility and limitations, and plan accordingly. It's what we all do as adults. And we learn workarounds when possible, figure out other ways when we can't do it. Hell, I've had to parent and nurture myself long enough to know.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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moglow

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Talking with brother #2 this morning, he says mother was "well pleased" with our conversation a few days ago. "Thrilled" even. Yeah. For dragging me backwards again through a situation that doesn't involve me. For bitter sniping accusations that *i* am the common denominator in her non-existent relationship with my brother.

She's sick. Truly sick and twisted.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Bloomie

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Talking with brother #2 this morning, he says mother was "well pleased" with our conversation a few days ago. "Thrilled" even. Yeah. For dragging me backwards again through a situation that doesn't involve me. For bitter sniping accusations that *i* am the common denominator in her non-existent relationship with my brother.

She's sick. Truly sick and twisted.
:doh: Just living in a different universe where bitter words and pointed darts of accusation are so everyday and common that they serve as "conversation" with which your mother is "well pleased." You are paying full price for her cheap imitation of connecting. She got her venom out and felt better, thus a good conversation it would seem. UGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :aaauuugh:

For someone so sensitive a closed garage door can send them reeling in convenient and perceived rejection, unable to attend a holiday meal with their family after such a high offense, your mother's complete lack of consideration for how her abusive and harmful words may have impacted you is outrageous.


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practical

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The ability to rewrite history, to adapt it to current needs will never cease to amaze me.
:bighug:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Spring Butterfly

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It really is unbelievable that PD persons somehow think that this sort of behavior will indefinitely motivate us to spend as much time as possible with them :stars:
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog