uNM asking if i will go to counseling

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Sojourner17

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uNM asking if i will go to counseling
« on: October 26, 2017, 06:29:54 PM »
After the funeral yesterday i figured at some point my mom would try to contact me again but I was not sure what her contact would say.  Well, today i received an email asking if I would be willing to go to counselling to get help with solving our differences.

I dont want to do counselling with her right now, and quite frankly I really dont have the time or money to do it either.  In the past i would have thought this would be a wonderful idea.  Now, im thinking not.  She knows that i believe counselling can help but in this case...i dont think it would.  my parents have been in mediation all spring with my younger sister...i dont think its done much.  Its the same with doing counselling with me.  Im willing to work on making changes to grow and heal but i doubt my mom does.  She wants things back the way they were, where i fell in line to every demand and request.

I just feel, i guess...apathetic..toward her.  like, whats the point?  she hasnt shown how she has changed.  She just wants to get us together and this is just another way to try to do it. 

Im thinking at this point i just wont even respond.  To respond with a no just adds fuel...to respond with a yes puts me in the position of trying to come up with finances and time to do it.  As it is time is tight and i still need to find the time to spend with my friend before we move 2 provinces away.

 :sadno: :sadno: :sadno:
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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practical

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Re: uNM asking if i will go to counseling
« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2017, 07:57:56 PM »
my parents have been in mediation all spring with my younger sister...i dont think its done much.
...
As it is time is tight and i still need to find the time to spend with my friend before we move 2 provinces away.
You basically have your answer, counseling takes time, something you don't have not just because you are busy otherwise but also because you are moving. It doesn't even matter whether it worked for the relationship between your parents and your sister, you don't have several months, and that is very little time to work through and assure you of persistent change. 6 months is minimum for change to be for real. You can ignore it or, if your M knows about your move you can respond "I appreciate the thought, this is not working for me given our upcoming move." This might be a lot ditch effort to get you back in the fold before you move away, and yes, she might mean it, doesn't mean she would follow through with doing her share of the work. Keep your focus on your life, your FOC, your move.

If I remember correctly you send your M an email or letter when you took a Time Out several months ago, so you could also always say "I appreciate the thought, this is not working for me given our upcoming move. You can always take the letter I sent you and work through the issues I mentioned with a therapist on your own." If she really wants your relationship to get better, she will do that, otherwise you have an indirect answer.

Also, if she wants to go to family therapy, her idea, I somehow would expect her to pay.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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MIB

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Re: uNM asking if i will go to counseling
« Reply #2 on: October 27, 2017, 03:12:19 PM »
I just wanted to offer up a perspective based on what helped me.

Three years ago, after things got really bad with my parents, I said that if they'd like to resume contact, we'd need to start with counseling. To my shock, they agreed. I think it was in part because they think they're always right so naturally the counselor would agree with them. He didn't, but my T had enough credibility (he's a PhD and a religious Minister) that they made some changes and things got much better (for two years actually....mind you things have gotten lousy now since time had passed and people forget, but two good years is better than no good years).

I also found it a very validating experience personally...the problem really was them, not me, and it was good to hear that from a professional.

And I agree with the previous poster, if she's inviting you, she should pay (in my case, it was my suggestion so I paid).

Something to consider anyway. I found it a valuable process that made me feel better about myself.

Good luck :)

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Sojourner17

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Re: uNM asking if i will go to counseling
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2017, 06:10:26 PM »
Practical and MIB,  thank you so much for the responses. 

Yes, I sent my mom a letter last February stating some boundaries and how some of her behavior was hurting me and my FOC.  I think it would be a good idea to tell her that now is not a good time to do counselling together but that she could take those things i wrote and work them through with someone herself first. 

My husband suggested i call out to them and let them talk and then at the same time let my parents know that we are moving.  If all goes well we will be moving mid November 550 miles away.  We really only have two weekends left before we go.  I was also thinking of calling out and suggesting my mom and dad come in to my place to talk before we go but in all honesty im scared to do that, even if it is on my home turf...that hasn't stopped her from yelling at me for over an hour before. 

Im scrambling to fix things again.  :stars:

I am feeling a lot of feelings of guilt and like I am bad for moving and them not knowing until the last minute.  It feels like there is a huge weight sitting physically on my heart right now.
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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practical

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Re: uNM asking if i will go to counseling
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2017, 06:21:48 PM »
If you do decide to meet, meet on neutral ground, some coffee shop, diner where you can get up an leave if she starts yelling or in other ways violating your boundaries. If she comes to your place, all you can do is ask her to leave and she may refuse, leaving you stuck with her abusing you.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Blueskies

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Re: uNM asking if i will go to counseling
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2017, 08:54:22 AM »
Maybe she could just go to counselling on her own. A good counsellor will point out her lack of regard for other people's boundaries.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: uNM asking if i will go to counseling
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2017, 09:05:40 AM »
There's nothing wrong with you, you don't need counceling, that's code for getting you back into your role. From her viewpoint you're broken, her toy isn't working anymore, you've rewritten the code, wiped the malware out and humming along living your life. Guess what, that's what's supposed to happen. You individuated, adulted, made your own choices, no longer under her control. That's a good thing. For you. That's what children are supposed to do. Except in PD world this is not the script.

How's this? "Thanks for the offer but I don't need counseling, I'm an adult and am happy with the life DH and I are building. If you want to have an adult to adult relationship with me you can work it how to adjust your role as a parent. Once a child is an adult the parent role makes a huge shift so if you need help making that shift please do seek counceling."

ETA even if you weren't married this same response would apply.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth,Gentle Boundaries,Emotional Healing blog

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argh

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Re: uNM asking if i will go to counseling
« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2017, 11:34:41 AM »
ugh. my mother came to see my therapist once about ten years. true he was a TERRIBLE therapist. But for the next 7 years until I went NC she basically used it as proof that the problem was ALL ME. Just my experience of course.

But there reality is that she needs to get her own counselling to sort herself out and then if there are still problems maybe you both go. I'm going to guess she won't do it on her own.

ugh.

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Sojourner17

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Re: uNM asking if i will go to counseling
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2017, 06:33:25 PM »
I really resonated with a lot of what you all have said.  When i first saw the email i thought,  yep...her contact with me was pretty much on cue...she and my dad didnt go to the funeral and now she is pulling out another way to try to get me to engage.  She just wants contact.  I remember in the past her talking about going to counselling with both of my other sisters (who both went reluctantly...teenagers  :wacko: of course they went reluctantly).  All she did afterward was complain that the counsellor didnt help, that Mental health services didnt offer enough sessions, that my sisters didnt talk and nothing was resolved. 

Ive never gone for counselling with her but have suggested it in the past (that she go...i dont think i ever offered for us to go together).  She always had an excuse for not going...too expensive, too far away, counsellors dont help, she doesnt need to go because the fault lies elsewhere...not with her.

Spring Butterfly, you are right...to a point lol!  I dont need counselling with her, at least not right now.  I feel like i need to go every once in a while just to get a bit of a touch up for my own stuff but i can already see where counselling with my mom would lead...more ammunition for my mom, going around in circles, nothing resolved, and then her wanting to go for coffee or lunch afterward to either continue to "talk things through" or act like nothing is happening.

My husband and I were able to talk about it again over the weekend...we really only get the chance when our little ones are napping/quiet time.  I dont want them seeing me upset and talking about their grandma.  It was a really good talk, he encouraged me to make my own decision about how i wanted to handle it but said that what he sees is that this is just a ploy to try to get contact, she doesnt really want to do the work in counselling.  He said he would support me in whatever i chose but that perhaps counselling together could wait for half a year or so and then maybe i could drive back and meet up for a session here or there. 

The heaviness is lifting but i wish i felt more free in my decisions. 
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery