"I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?

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Miss Teri

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"I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« on: November 04, 2017, 09:53:09 AM »
I've read several threads recently where others have mentioned that the PD in their life continually uses the phrase "I don't understand" to reverse the roles and play the victim. Many wonder if it would help to have the "sit down" and explain themselves one last time before they go no contact. They're looking for some kind of closure. Or maybe some way to finally get through to their PD family member. I get it. We all just want to know if they will ever "hear" us.

I want to share an experience I had a week ago. My mother (a covert/shy narcissistic type) suddenly called me after a year of very low contact. (Super quick back story: I had my "final straw" moment a year ago, found this website and started clawing my way Out of the FOG with no intention of ever going back there.) My intention was to be as Gray Rock as possible, but she pressed me to please explain what the problem was between us because she just doesn't understand. I told her I tried to explain before, but it never went well and ended with her in a hysterical puddle so I don't see the point in doing it again. She said she would listen objectively and without judgement. LOL! OK mom, you asked for it!

I don't know how I summoned the courage to do this. You other Dutiful Daughters know how hard it is to stand up to Mom. But I spent the next hour or so calmly explaining how I felt invisible growing up because she wasn't there for me emotionally, and what affect that's had on me as an adult. That I feel like nothing more than an obligation to her, a box to check off her list and move on to something more interesting. I gave her specific examples from my childhood and of course she either didn't remember or tried to minimize or dismiss my experiences as no big deal. I gave her examples from my adult life about how she has continued to minimize my accomplishments, dismiss the things that are most important to me, and generally be insulting toward anyone or anything that I choose to associate myself with. She doesn't remember. She blamed some of it on my dad. She dismissed most of what I had to say. BUT… she missed me and just HAD to hear my voice.

How do we fix it, she asks? I told her I don't know. I've done everything I know how to do. I don't have this problem with anyone else in my life, so I don't think the problem lies primarily with me. I don't trust you and I really don't even know what foundation we have build on. And right now I'm still pretty angry about how I've been treated and I need to deal with that on my own. "But I just don't understaaand," she says.  :doh: Really? After everything I JUST told you? And why is it MY job to fix it anyway?

Then she said "Well you're starting to sound defensive." Seriously???  :stars: I just spent the last hour being the most vulnerable I've ever been with you in my life in the hopes that you WOULD finally understand, and you want to call me defensive??? It's not defensiveness, it's anger.  It's real and it's valid and it deserves a voice. And I know how to use my voice now, and I stand up for myself now.

At that point she couldn't get off the phone fast enough. She could tell I wasn't going to cave and come running back to my role of Dutiful Daughter. Because that was probably her intention in calling me in the first place. There were a few more awkward exchanges between us, but the phone call ended with me just saying "have a good night" and hanging up. And that was it.

So there you have it. I poured my heart out. I said and did everything I could to tell her exactly what the problem was. And she still doesn't understand. Or won't admit that she does. And she certainly won't apologize for any of it. Oh, I got one "I'm sorry you feel that way." lol!

So did it do any good? On her end, I'm sure nothing was accomplished. I don't expect anything to change in my relationship with her. As for me, I don't have closure. But it was a major release for me. It was a confirmation for me that she is who she is. It was an opportunity to finally express my true feelings to the person who NEEDED to hear me, even if that person didn't and never will hear me. It's out there for her to deal with. And as far as I'm concerned, I can move on guilt free. I don't feel guilty for saying what I said, as much as it might have hurt her. I don't feel the need to  try again in the hopes that she might hear me next time. Because she won't.

So thanks for reading, I know this was sort of long. I just want to put this out there for those of you who want to have "the talk" in the hope that it will do any good for your relationship or give you closure before you go NC. I'm sorry to say that it probably won't. But it might make you feel stronger, less FOGgy, and like you have a voice. And that's worth something.

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overitall

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2017, 10:55:18 AM »
Miss Teri,
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but congratulations for standing up to her!!!  I had "the talk" with my uBPDm and uNPDf about 15 years ago...it didn't go well....lots of blank stares and "I don't understand"....it really tore me up for a long, long time.....

Initially, I was really, really mad......then I got sad, and now (after 15 years) I don't care....I didn't go completely NC until about 6 years ago and I understand the road you are traveling.

It IS frustrating to realize that you can have a civilized, mature conversation with most adults, yet with PD parents, it's like a walk on the moon....Your ability to endure this conversation amazes me and you should be very proud of yourself....you do have a voice and you were able to express your feelings....even though it may not change who she is, you were able to communicate your feelings.... :applause:

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daughter

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2017, 11:45:59 AM »
I'm 5+ years NC with my malevolent NBM and enabler-enforcer "boss of you" NF, as well as haughty GC "princess" nsis.  NBM and nsis have made zero effort to "talk".  NF furiously hoovered for 1st year, lots of irate "call me!" phone-messages, and several chastising conversations, NF basically stating same thing, over and over again:  1) this (NC) needs to stop; 2) me as SG has no right to have "issues"; 3) NF has it far worse, living with NBM; 4) I owe him; 5) I'm obviously crazy and "getting bad advice" from therapist.  "Talking about it" is a futile exercise for most of us Dutiful Daughters, because there's the underlying assumption that we're supposed to be obedient, servile, and uncomplainingly compliant to our pd-disordered parents.  The notion of "having issues" is unacceptable, and viewed as offensive and disrespectful.  My NF's reaction to my quiet "time-out" was extreme displeasure coupled with zero empathy, no compassion or consideration whatsoever.  There's no "The Talk" to fix things, because their self-entitlement (I don't think it's obliviousness) is too overwhelming.

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Bellie

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2017, 12:54:18 PM »
Wow! When you read other survivor stories and they are a mirror of your own story it makes you feel so validated! "ok, so I haven't made this all up and I am not overreacting!"
  "Talking about it" is a futile exercise for most of us Dutiful Daughters, because there's the underlying assumption that we're supposed to be obedient, servile, and uncomplainingly compliant to our pd-disordered parents.  The notion of "having issues" is unacceptable, and viewed as offensive and disrespectful.
Absolutely. And even if I had the chance to explain everything I wouldn't even know where to start or how to say it.

We all just want to know if they will ever "hear" us.

 "I'm sorry you feel that way."


Will they ever hear us? When they watch a film and the main character acts like them - do you think they see it? How does their brain actually work? :stars:

My NPDm sees an acupuncturist who is also a therapist (?) - her 'therapist' has reassured my npdm that my memories are just that - my memories - not necessarily truthful fact. So now my NPDm's reply to anything I say is "I'm sorry you remember it that way." or "I'm sorry you think that is what happened".  :wacko:

Miss Teri, I am proud of you that you were able to talk to her calmly whether she listened or not. I can't do that I just go completely blank. I am glad that you are feeling a sense of strength from confronting her. Good for you!!

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raindrop

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2017, 08:59:09 PM »
 :yeahthat: The best I've been able to do is over text and even then my heart was hammering and I had to so exercise after because the fight/flight reaction was so strong.
And, just like you, it changed nothing. My M didn't even deny most of what I said to her. She just made excuses of why it was ok. One was even, "even if i said that I didn't mean it." REALLY? then why did you say it? And if you didn't mean it why not apologise?

But I was glad I did it!
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Miss Teri

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2017, 10:01:28 AM »
Raindrop, I totally understand the heart pounding, fight or flight reaction. I'm sure a lot of us here do. That thing when your phone rings and you see on the caller ID that it's your parents, and suddenly your heart feels like it's going to explode! It was one of the  more eye-opening moments that really helped me understand how dysfunctional things were with them. That's not a normal, healthy response you should have when someone who claims to love you calls to say hello or arrange a meeting. I hope everyone here realizes that!

My mother didn't deny anything of what I said either. That's what's weird to me. Just excuses, blaming my dad, and maybe she was depressed. She brought up a couple of instances where she treated me special when I was a kid. Once was when she bought me a sweatshirt to "make me feel pretty" when I was about nine years old. Oh, and she came to my high school graduation. Those are the times she remembers trying to make me feel "special"???

"yet with PD parents, it's like a walk on the moon...."
Apt description, Overitall. It's like a surreal, other worldly experience trying to understand the PD form of logic. It seriously takes me days to process all the weirdness that happens in a phone call with my mother.

"The notion of "having issues" is unacceptable, and viewed as offensive and disrespectful."
Dauther, this has been my experience as well. I'm not the only one of their children who's had "issues" with my parents. And I'm not the first one to bring it up with them either (although I believe I have been the most direct and open with them). So no, it's not obliviousness. Yet nothing is ever their fault, we should all just bury the hatchet, move on, and pretend those issues never existed. And we certainly shouldn't have feelings about any of it. And really, that's the heart of emotional neglect. Continuous minimization of another's (especially a child's) emotional needs.

I'm an adult, and I take full responsibility for the current state of my emotional well being. But right now that requires me to have some distance between me and my parents. And that's what they can never seem to understand or accept. Because it requires them to look inwardly at what they might have done, and are continuing to do, that makes me want to stay away. And they just can't cope with that. So they blame and excuse and gaslight to make it someone else's  problem and then turn the attention back on themselves.

 

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raindrop

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2017, 07:42:10 PM »
Miss Teri, that last paragraph you wrote is so spot on. They can't handle any signal that they may have done something wrong. And I also think they can't deal with not being able to control others.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Iguanagos

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2017, 11:45:18 PM »
Miss Teri, just wanted to say I have struggled with your topic question too.  At one point, I actually had to put a lot of it in writing and mailed it to them, so that I could be sure I chose my words carefully and my thoughts were complete.  I never heard a response and that’s fine with me – I said what I needed to say.  They have not said “I don’t understand” since. 

They have, however, ambushed me with visits from relatives they know I don’t get along with, and I told them, “I don’t do that to you”. So they’re still invalidating me, but I’m not letting it just slip by anymore.

It's like a surreal, other worldly experience trying to understand the PD form of logic. It seriously takes me days to process all the weirdness that happens in a phone call with my mother.

Oh, and just had to say, me too!  Like truly, I have to let the conversation percolate in the back of my brain, in my subconscious, for about a week before I can even talk to DH about it.  Often I’ll uncover an ulterior motive or two after this processing that totally escaped me during the call.  N/B M especially operates on an entirely different level, like a different planet, and although she’s speaking English, like you I often feel there’s some weirdness going on that I need a week or so to decipher.  It’s exhausting, which is why I only contact (at most) a few times a month.

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all4peace

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #8 on: November 06, 2017, 12:22:28 AM »
I try not to swear in my life, but there's nothing like PD parents wanting "to talk" despite having talked repeatedly, that makes me drop the F bomb. Both of mine are doing so right now, and in addition uNBPDmil has informed us that "this has gone on too long" and wants me in attendance at the next meal that DH offered her with our kids. On, FFS! They actually think they can just erase everything. That the present situation is completely unrelated to, connected to or formed by the past!

Thank you for this post, Miss Teri. It helps to know others go through this, although it is so terribly sad. I'm sorry that your M is totally unable to process what you are saying to her, or simply is unwilling to.

My enF also "doesn't understand" and needs me to explain it again. I explained it all very, very clearly less than 2 months ago, but apparently it's super bewildering. Seriously, who could imagine that after a childhood of physical abuse, neglect and repeated abandonment...........then in adulthood behaving in adult versions of those same issues, I wouldn't be his same delightful daughter to have a "friendship" with? Who the F could possibly imagine that your adult children might want to be treated with kindness, dignity, respect and love?! It's just so overwhelming and hard to understand. It must be all4peace. It certainly couldn't be enF or uNBPDm. Who, btw, don't appear to have any close friends in their adult life and have ZERO good relationships with all of their kids, and have now had 3 out of the 4 of us directly confront them on specific behavior (#4 checked out looooooong ago).

I relate so much with the dynamic you describe. It is infuriating, frustrating and bewildering, and I have no idea whatsoever if it is even possible to have anything but an extremely superficial relationship with people whose brains work this way.

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TalenCrowhaven

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #9 on: November 06, 2017, 01:38:34 AM »
Sometimes we just keep trying. We hope that something will get through to them. 

I haven't written about this yet as it is part of larger tale, which I will share when I have the energy to write it all down. Right now, I'm still decompressing.

After years of trying to get some understanding from my toxic Dad by expressing my feelings. After trying to find some connection in that adversarial brain of his...I finally popped. (Lol. I almost wrote pooped!)  :P

Anyway, what I basically did at a certain point during one of his bullying phone calls, was channel my deceased (Oops, almost wrote diseased. I must need a Freudian nap!) uPD Mom, whom my dad feared and worshipped. I let him have it. Instead of being a helpless child begging for a bit of kindness and understanding, I came across as an authority figure and called him out on every piece of BS he shoveled. At first he started crying because I had caught him so off guard, then he began taunting me. His grand finale was to start cackling and say that I was really sick and needed help. At this point, I just gently put the phone down and avoided him. No point arguing with Pee-Wee Herman.

Did I get through to him on any sort of understanding level. Nope. He will always be a scorpion and I accept that now. However, something changed during that conversation. He now knows I will call him on his shit and not put up with it. He now knows I am no longer a frightened child. I'm an adult now and he is still stuck in 11 yr old schoolyard bully mode.

I had figured something out. Bullies are really cowards. Bullies are weak.

A talk never worked with him. But standing up to him did help in one aspect. He checks himself around me now.

Very interesting.  ::)

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #10 on: November 06, 2017, 07:23:54 AM »
I have been bracing myself for this 'talk' since going NC, but it has never happened, as mine just continue as if nothing had happened, as if it is normal that I am not replying to their calls etc. It's very odd, but in a way a relief as I think it would have gone on a similar way. The only times I have said anything similar in the past, they have taken it personally and felt I was 'attacking' them or 'being nasty'.

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louisebt

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #11 on: November 06, 2017, 08:24:11 AM »
My mother just cannot hear or accept my emotional distress whatsoever, and this has recently got much worse. The moment i get upset recounting something awful that has happened between us or how her extreme behaviour has upset me, she just turns on me to the point of saying thay i'm 'crying crocodile tears to get my own way and make me out to be mad'.  :doh:
How damaged do you have to be to get to the point where you abuse your own child for getting upset and distressed?

So we are now in catch 22. things got so bad I now had c ptsd and even trying to talk to her about anything more than small talk triggers me off big time, then she lashes out because i'm upset, then i lose it even more.

It's game over. Small talk and responding to emergencies. that's where we are at. I just need to let go of expecting more.
i'm starting to accept that there is no point trying to get them to understand. The fact they don't or won't let themselves, is the very thing that causes more suffering to us I think than anything else.


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Love

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #12 on: November 06, 2017, 10:55:40 AM »
Thank you for writing about this topic.  The idea of "should we have ANOTHER talk" is never far from mine or my DH's thoughts.  It often makes me angry as I feel there never has and never will be any effort on the PD inlaws part to "work" at reconciling the situation. 

Out of the million (not really exaggeration) times, Dh has told his mom what she did to bring about the estrangement, all he ever got was "I'm sorry you feel that way, we never knew, we wish you would have told us sooner so we could stop "Said" behavior mentioned" in the moment.  Never a taking responsibility, always an acknowledgment that he or we are weak and don't really know what we are talking about.  So then again while still in VLC the inlaws would say "please tell us what we did this time". 

Then years of "we don't know what we did" rolled into FM saying "Did they ever really do anything?" ENCOVFIL then proclaimed, "she was the perfect mother, how can you do this to her."  CNPDMIL then proclaimed "she ate hotdog's to sacrifice for her kids while they were young". WHAT..... does that have to do with anything.  The conversations became so maddening, so pointless that Dh said enough is enough. 

I think these people have to have the last word, they have to exit the stage as the victim and not the villain so they proclaim ignorance, and being blindsided and then run off stage and drop the curtain.  It's hard for Dh and me not to continue and try and have the talk because we believed in always giving people chances.  However, every time we've tried talking, or writing letters, all we get is an argument, our emotions are belittled and our motives are challenged and our words and perceptions are said to be lies, or figments of our imaginations.  When can we stop, when is it ok to expect that the response will be the same since they have never once tried to work at the relationship.  They have said many times "we have apologized (one time like I said above, and we have done all we can do) WHICH is nothing.  Nothing, they just argue their points, send money or gifts to our kids (which are donated same day). 

I feel that walking away may never feel good.  I went down the rabbit hole of parent estrangement sites lately, I think just to see where they are coming from and I ended up feeling worse, these parents do all they can to victimize themselves and villainize their kids.  They say the most awful stuff, like "they'd like to beat the crap out of them or their spouse." 

I don't know this is just the most frustrating question and situation because these people do not seem to communicate in English or the native language of love. 

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wayward

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #13 on: November 06, 2017, 12:42:17 PM »
Will they ever hear us? I'd have to say no, although I only have personal experience to back it up.

I spent my life in circular cycles of engulf/push/punish/shame/shun/pull/engulf/repeat with my mother dismissing my feelings as my selfishness in regard to her and younger siblings feelings. I existed to serve, I was a gift given to her, I would not exist without her, my birth ruined her childhood, her future, her dreams and she deserved better than me.  :wacko:

During our last "discussion" I was asked for specific examples of how she hurt me. I started to speak and she told me she would only hear them in writing so she could consider them before answering, needed time to calm from the hurt I was causing her before speaking to me again. I felt baited but complied. No emotions, just a BIFF list as requested for us to discuss in person the next weekend.  :unsure:

The majority related to how she treated me at my own nuclear family functions in adulthood and in regard to her treatment of my children. She fixated on one childhood memory and used it to shame me by forwarding it to most of her extended foo, friends and some random acquaintances. It made me sound petty and selfish. She met her goal in its entirety, then she was done with me. That list gets her all the attention she wants from everyone she meets (mostly from online dating). Granted in the last 4 years of no contact, she has plowed through and exhausted many acquaintances. None seem to stick around. I expect things to kick back up when she gets into her 60's in a few years.

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blues_cruise

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #14 on: November 06, 2017, 02:37:32 PM »
:yeahthat: The best I've been able to do is over text and even then my heart was hammering and I had to so exercise after because the fight/flight reaction was so strong.
And, just like you, it changed nothing. My M didn't even deny most of what I said to her. She just made excuses of why it was ok. One was even, "even if i said that I didn't mean it." REALLY? then why did you say it? And if you didn't mean it why not apologise?

But I was glad I did it!

Same here, a text message spelling the situation out to him was enough. In response all I got was him telling me how out of character ('rude') I was being. I feel I would have liked to clarify the situation better with NF but I just feel sick, tiny and very unsafe in the same room as him. Last time there was a confrontation at my home over me not being in contact both my heart and my head were screaming to get away from him. I think if anyone's unsure about no contact then it really does help to just listen to your body's response to anticipated contact. If it feels like your body's gearing you up for a bare fist fight with a lion then chances are that it's not healthy for you to be around that person.
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

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mimzy

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #15 on: November 06, 2017, 11:18:04 PM »
Thank you for sharing.

I did the same thing with my mother...and father... many, many times.

The last time was a few days ago with my mother.

Her reply?

"I don't understand."

I'm DONE. I've tried to meet them half way so, so many times. I'll think that I've achieved some common ground with my dad and then, next thing I know, a few days later, in a new conversation, he'll ask me a question or say something that leads me to believe he's forgotten everything.

The little girl inside of me is dying inside whenever this happens.

I'm DONE being the lawyer for her. Only option now is going limited contact and not looking back. If they kick and scream about that, I will go NC in a heartbeat. It's as simple as that.

Thank you again for sharing. 

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Miss Teri

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #16 on: November 07, 2017, 08:51:28 AM »
However, something changed during that conversation. He now knows I will call him on his shit and not put up with it. He now knows I am no longer a frightened child. I'm an adult now and he is still stuck in 11 yr old schoolyard bully mode.

I had figured something out. Bullies are really cowards. Bullies are weak.

There is a theme I'm seeing in the responses on this thread. The idea that your PD family member is really just a bully who put you in distress. In some cases there has been an attempt to stand up to the bully - "have the talk", set boundaries, or go NC. In other cases there is the very physical fear reaction at the very idea of a confrontation with said bully.

This idea that the shoe could drop at any moment with a phone call from mom wanting (one more time) to understand the problem is really just a bully tactic. It's a dramatic loose end they can dangle over you when they know you just want to solve a problem. It's an attempt to get in your face, upset you, and throw you off balance to assert some sort of control by making you feel crazy or worthless or just plain wrong.

Let's just all remember that, whoever the PDs are in your life, ultimately they are just bullies. And TalenCrowhaven said it very well. Bullies are cowards. Bullies are weak. What bully ever seeks to understand or reconcile with their victim?? From their perspective, the onus will ALWAYS be on us to make things right. If things aren't made right, it will always be our fault.

The best you can do is stand your ground and let them know you won't take their shit anymore.

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blacksheep7

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #17 on: November 07, 2017, 12:28:42 PM »
I also had "The Talk" with NM.  It was about our upbringing with NF and her being the enabler, how it affected and damaged us.  He has been deceased 10 years now and I've been struggling with NM ever since then, went nc for 3 years in 2010.  I am nc one again. 

She never denied what he was like but came up with excuses.  I then turned the subject to my relationship with her (invalidation all my life)  when she started comparing me with my sister saying that she is happy and that they always have a good time when they're together, her flying monkey.  She kept on saying "your're not well!"  Of course I wasn't well, living all this drama/dysfunction for the last two years  involving my siblings to get them on her side. Why, because she enabled  our alcoholic  brother and his acting out who disrespected her,dh and myself .  My relationship with my sibs has greatly diminished because of her smear campaigns.  Prior, we did have a respectful, good relationship. The alcoholic brother was never in our lives, including my parents, after he got married.  Came back when his wife died and all hell broke loose.   
She then started attacking me by telling me what harm I had done to my children by divorcing their father, shaming me as a mother.
That is when I said to myself, she is not there for me, does not care about my feelings, invalidation once again.  As long as her world is peaceful is what counts, what we can do for her.

I do not regret having "the talk".  I needed to get it out of me finally telling her how I felt even though I  knew not to have any expectations.  Nothing will change especially at her age, so I have no reason and no need to have a relationship with her, knowing her true self. She never handled any conflict in her life, NF was the master in control. She is immature mentally and emotionally. Everything in the last two years have been swept under the rug.  It is a big deception of course which caused  much hurt but my anger has  gone with time.  I am more at peace with myself not having her in my life.  As I've said before, I can not change the fact that I don't miss her.  There is nothing to miss...  It's harsh but then again, it is the reality.




I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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bopper

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Re: "I Don't Understand": Should You have "The Talk"?
« Reply #18 on: November 07, 2017, 03:23:40 PM »
If you are a PDer, your brain is hardwired in a different way than yours...they may not be capable of understanding "empathy" or "Boundaries"...just like a 2 year old wouldn't be. Do you expect a 2 year old to get empathy? Do you get mad at them, or just keep them out of situations where empathy is needed?  For a 2 year old you would try to teach empathy, but your PDer won't learn.

So can you expect them to understand?   or do you just say "I am sorry you can't understand the problem even after me explaining multiple times...it is clear to me that you cannot or do not want to understand.  " and then just go back to low contact.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.