The surgery saga continues

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moglow

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2017, 04:17:05 PM »
Jenn, I wouldn't respond at all.  She's now said something you can't unsee and she can't just gloss over - claims/accusations of elder abuse aren't funny regardless of how baseless they are.  Mine's done some of that as well, and is one reason I refuse to visit or be alone with her.  She's absolutely capable of throwing a fit and changing it up to make herself appear to be a victim.  From what you've said, I'm not altogether sure yours wouldn't do the same. 

Again, your mother is toying with you.  You haven't refused to do anything for her, far from it.  She just keeps upping the ante and "forgetting" to tell you what she needs.  And lest we be unclear - are these needs or wants?  There's a difference.

You have nothing to be scared of here.  You've jumped and fetched and carried for how long now?  Seems to me if there were something actually needed, that would have been way up on the FIRST list, not thrown out there as an afterthought.  Surgeries and hospitalizations give you after care instructions, discharge orders.  It's lined out very specifically what a patient needs to do and not do, prescriptions, etc.  There's not a lot of gray area there.

She has a car, Jenn, yours unless I'm mistaken [or am I thinking of someone else?]?  She has options she's choosing to not avail herself of, because she's expecting you to step to her tune.  This is all about attention and playing victim.
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Iguanagos

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2017, 04:18:25 PM »
Consider this your get-out-of-jail-free card. she is pulling out the big guns now, waving the threat of elder abuse in front of you thinking that will work since her earlier ploy did not.

For me, this would be a red line. If anyone, any parent or anyone really, threatened me with elder abuse, for my own protection I would need to cease contact.

I don't see how you not running to the store for her suddenly remembered item can in any way constitute elder abuse. But I do think you may want to consider the risk to you and your family of continuing contact with her.

So if it were me, I would probably see an attorney and say that this is where she was heading, and I want to end contact and make sure my family is protected.

This may be more extreme than what you were wanting to consider, but just wanted you to have some things to think about. IMO, raising the spectre of elder abuse was a grave mistake on her part.
« Last Edit: November 05, 2017, 04:20:15 PM by Iguanagos »

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #22 on: November 05, 2017, 04:35:19 PM »
She can say anything she want, it has NO teeth. If the item is needed it's up to her as a grown adult to work with her medical team or pharmacy to get the item. If they won't work with her it isn't critical.

Her claims are baseless, empty, threats. And make no mistake, that *is* a threat, and one not to take lightly but not for the reason you think. The reason to take anste back is if she willing to throw the law at you, threaten you with prosecution, she is someone to stay far far away from to protect yourself and your family. She will stop at nothing therefore you are forced to keep your involvement on the very fringes if at all because if you get too close you may do something that puts you at risk.

For example if she's willing to threaten elder abuse for failing to get her what she wants, for failure to jump when she commands jump, then what happens if you're in the house alone and she falls or takes a tumble? What if in her mind you wanted her to fall or she imagines you tripped her? Scary stuff.

Lease proceed with caution and take a screen shot of that message for your records.
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WomanInterrupted

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #23 on: November 05, 2017, 05:36:50 PM »
I'd definitely start keeping records of her threats to report you for elder abuse.

BTW - refusing to go to the store is NOT elder abuse!   :roll:

I wouldn't respond to her *empty threat.*

If she were ever to report you, she'd LOSE you for good - it wouldn't be in your best interest to have anything to do with her, and WHY on earth would she want somebody around that she considers abusive!?

Her "logic" makes no sense.   :stars:
 
She's upping her game and *trying harder* in response to your NO.

Please don't give her the satisfaction, and turn your phone OFF - she can't threaten you if she can't reach you.   :)

 :hug:

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wisingup

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2017, 05:52:34 PM »
I'm pretty sure elder abuse requires you to actually "do" something to her, not refuse to do something!

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VividImagination

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #25 on: November 05, 2017, 07:08:39 PM »
That would be the final straw for me. My boundary would be no more physical or face to face contact. If I remember correctly, hasn't your mother accused of physical abuse in the past after hurting herself? Something to do with attempting bruise her own arm?
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jennsc85

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #26 on: November 05, 2017, 09:14:12 PM »
I can almost feel myself starting to hyperventilate...

I just sent my mother an email. It was kind of lengthy but I think it was mostly void of emotion and there was nothing damning in it.

I told her that when I tell her "No" I expect her to respect that. I told her that I will not continue to be called abusive, controlling, manipulative, etc.

I told her that the most important relationship in my life is the one I have with my children, and her abuse accusations and endless texting, etc. are jeopardizing that relationship and I will not let that continue to happen.

I also added in there that her accusation of elder abuse is not something I take lightly. I told her that it makes me very hesitant to continue to help her whether or not it was said in the heat of the moment, because battling an elder abuse claim is something that would take its toll on my family and that's not something I wish to deal with. I also couldn't help but say that I'm not her legal caregiver and not legally responsible for her.

I told her I need a break from her for several days and I'm sorry if it's convenient but something that I need to do for my hhealth and my family's health and that I would get back into contact with her when I'm able to.

I can't help feeling like this was a mistake. I just don't want to keep ignoring the things she says and acting like they were never said. I felt like they had to be addressed. I'm going to block her number tonight and I am so nervous.

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moglow

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #27 on: November 05, 2017, 09:24:18 PM »
Well, you said what you needed to say.  That elder abuse comment would have hit me pretty hard - always remember she put that out there, in spite of her repeated attacks on you.  She's projecting, but again, that's not your stuff.  Go ahead and block her number so she doesn't blow up your phone with texts, but be aware she's probably going to respond to that email.  You DO NOT have to explain further, justify yourself, take up her argument  or defend any decision you've made for yourself and your family.  She can, and likely will be mad. You aren't responsible for her feelings, but you do have to take care of yourself regardless of her decisions. 

Hold tight to your family.  Breathe in the silence from her incessant phone calls and texts. Get and stay busy with your own family and friends, and take the focus off constantly trying to appease your mother.
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wisingup

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #28 on: November 05, 2017, 09:36:33 PM »
Jenn - big step, way to go!!!  So very proud of you. 

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jennsc85

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #29 on: November 05, 2017, 09:38:36 PM »
Moglow- You know what's funny? She actually texted me a couple hours after the elder abuse comment and told me that she was sorry for getting so "personal" but that next time I needed to "think" before I texted her.

Me! I need to think before I text! Seriously?! All I said was that I couldn't pick up her something!!

Then she said that she has a difficult time accepting that I dislike her but she appreciates all my help.

I didn't respond to either of these texts. But I just need a break from this. I can't keep ignoring the things she says and then letting her continue on and do it again and again.

I used to respond to her mean texts with things equally mean. Then I graduated to ignoring  her but ignoring I feel like just makes her think that what she's saying is ok and that she can continue saying it.

I don't know. I just am so worried about that email. I have never initialed a "break" from her. The only breaks I've had in my life are short silent treatments from her.

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jennsc85

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #30 on: November 05, 2017, 09:41:59 PM »
That would be the final straw for me. My boundary would be no more physical or face to face contact. If I remember correctly, hasn't your mother accused of physical abuse in the past after hurting herself? Something to do with attempting bruise her own arm?

Yes, you are correct. Several years ago when she slapped me in the face and I told her I should call the police she made motions of bruising her wrist and asked what I thought the police would have to say about her having bruises on her wrist from me "grabbing" her.

Why that wasn't the final straw, I have no idea.

I'm so tired of all of this. And the elder abuse claim really upset me. The last thing I want is to be roped into something like that. I'm not her caregiver or legally responsible for her but she sent me a link to "what is elder abuse" and it says if a caregiver OR someone who is assumed to be trusted by the elder, refuses to do something (neglects the needs of the elder) that is a form of elder abuse.

Just by virtue of being her daughter do I fall into the category of a trusted person in her life? That's scary.

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HotCocoa

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #31 on: November 05, 2017, 09:50:44 PM »
No, you don't fall into that category by refusing to pick her up something at the store.  I believe this is part of what is going here with her sending you that link.

DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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Malini

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #32 on: November 05, 2017, 09:58:10 PM »
The email is really well worded. You're slowly taking back a bit of control, even if it doesn't feel like it. My favourite bit is the ending - that you'll contact her when YOU'RE able to. It's clear, non-foggy, and gives you the option of choosing how and when you recontact her.

It would be great if you managed to turn your phone off and do something nice for yourself or with your family now to give your body  and mind a chance to get a breather and come down from being on high alert and in maxi adrenaline mode for the last couple of days.

 :hug:


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VividImagination

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #33 on: November 05, 2017, 10:00:39 PM »
by a caregiver or another person in a relationship involving an expectation of trust

You are not her caregiver, and the email you sent was a GREAT insurance policy against ever being called that.

The "person in a relationship involving an expectation of trust" refers to nursing homes, paid caregivers, assistants, attorneys, etc. People that would physically or financially abuse an older person. If it meant adult child it would say adult child.

Let's break it down this way, Jenn...let's say I'm your daughter's kindergarten teacher and she is demanding I put her in my car and take her to McDonalds because she is hungry. I refuse, as she has lunch at school that is perfectly fine. Is this neglect? Abuse? Elder abuse and child abuse are not far from each other, and what pertains to one can often be compared to the other, except financial.

Whatever your mother "needed" from the store was not a necessity...she wanted it, or she wanted more of it. If it was that gall-durned important, she would have remembered it when you went to the store.

It's a bluff. She's pulling out the big guns to get you back in line and it backfired. She will figure out how to take care of herself, just like she did the other day.

You can't abuse someone that you don't see or talk to. You did the right thing. You always panic when you set a new boundary, and you always realize within a day or two that this dog has no teeth, just a big, damn, ugly mouth.

Block her and enjoy your family.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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Iguanagos

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #34 on: November 05, 2017, 11:23:48 PM »
This feels terrifying, because you’re saying no to someone who always had power over you.  But she doesn’t have power, except for the residue still hanging around in your mind.  The more you are able to draw and enforce boundaries that work for you, the smaller and smaller that residue of power will be.

As others have said, and as your own email said, you are taking a break.  So truly, give yourself that break and block her for a while.  As long as you are hyper vigilant, anxiously checking your phone for her texts, you aren’t really “on break”.  She’s still front and center in your mind.  So I encourage you to do a break, a real break, where she’s blocked from texts and email for a while and you have a chance to exhale and think about other things – I would suggest at least a week or so.  Even that short time will give you back so much of your own power.  You will realize and truly feel that power, and that will help propel you forward into other healthy choices.  Your FOC will become front and center, as it should be.  She will recede into a smaller and smaller space in your mind.  When you do choose to re-engage with her, it will be from a position of calm strength.

I read somewhere that if it helps, think of your parent w/PD as a very tiny person.  Literally, a really tiny person.  They can stomp and scream and threaten all they want, but what can a tiny person really do?  It helps to counteract the conditioning of us, when they were large, omnipotent and all-powerful, and we were tiny helpless children.  So I pass that along in case it helps.  You can do this!

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raindrop

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #35 on: November 06, 2017, 12:08:01 AM »
Jenn, WELL DONE. That was a massive step and yes, you did the right thing. You really did. Ignoring is way better than hitting back - I just realised this recently.
I've always just been a doormat but my brothers both counter my Ms aggression with aggression of their own. They'll have huge fights with her, but they've never been disinherited. Mistreated, yes. But none of the three of us were ever disinherited (as far as I know) until me, just last week. Why? Because i refused to respond to her rage and when I did talk to her, I was as MC as I could manage. I've been puzzling over that and I'm pretty sure it's all about power.
Jenn, when your mother gets you angry and upset it shows her that she still has power over you, and she *loves* that. But if you flat out say, as you've just done, that you won't respond to being tantrummed at, and take back your own rightful power by setting your own terms about when you want to see her, and *sticking* to them... Well, she won't like it, that's for sure. Because she's losing control over you. And that's really a good thing! Now you can start to focus on being your own master. But first, block your mom, enjoy the silence, and have a rest!
:bighug:
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Spring Butterfly

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #36 on: November 06, 2017, 01:06:12 AM »
Wow so awesome! Please do take time to still soothe, make time for healthy self care. Loooong overdue.
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WomanInterrupted

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #37 on: November 06, 2017, 01:29:14 AM »
Jenn, your email was a massive giant leap in the right direction and I have to agree with Vivid -  no matter what she says or does, you have PROOF you're not her caregiver *in your own words.*   :yahoo:

Save her threat, save a copy of your email, save her response and that link - you may need them some day.  You just never know with some people - she's probably just screaming WORDS, but I'm firmly on Team Always Cover Your Ass.   :ninja:

You told her you need a break and what does she do?  Continues to contact you!   :blowup:

Please - block her number for as much time as YOU need.  She doesn't have the RIGHT to keep abusing you.  She is not ENTITLED to run your life, insult you, threaten you, make endless demands, then act like a spoiled child when she doesn't get her way.

YOU have the right to peace and quiet!  YOU have the right to BREATHE without her calling or texting you every two seconds because she can't stand to be alone with her own thoughts.   :yes:

You did it once - you can do it again, but for a longer period - and please be sure to alert work security about your stalker or mentally ill mother, who is getting worse and should not be put through to you, no matter what she claims, because she's desperate for attention and refuses to get help.

I'd say, at the end of a few days, before unblocking her number, reassess your situation - are you enjoying the peace and quiet?  Are you enjoying having your life back?  Are you enjoying not running all over hell and back because she only likes Kroger toilet paper? 

Are you enjoying the FREEDOM of not having her acting like the phone is your electronic collar and leash?   :sunny:

If you are - consider keeping the block in place.  Stasia did it and she seems to be doing *much* better since she made the decision - and I'm still very, very impressed and proud of her.   :)

Your mom WILL figure out things without you - you know she can.  She just likes to manipulate others by screaming and threatening them - you said it yourself.

Well, since you know that's what she does, you know stopping her will involve NO CONTACT and blocking her access.

It's drastic, yes - but people like your mom often force us to take drastic measures to *protect ourselves.*

I promise you - she WILL get on with her life and her first priority, once she realizes she can't get through to you, will be finding Jenn 2.0, who will get sick of her sooner than later, so she'll find Jenn 3.0, 4.0, 5.0 - and so on.  She will *always* be able to snow some poor soul into helping her, overstep her boundaries, and move on to the next person.

That's just how people like your mom roll - and I saw the same thing with unBPD Didi.  She went through people like most of us go through tissues during allergy season, and when they eventually dropped her like a hot potato, it was always *their fault.*   :roll:

She WILL be okay - for the next few days, next week, next month, next year - next *ten years.*   :yes:

She will be FINE without you. 

And you will THRIVE without her constantly bashing you over the head, to keep you off-balance and *compliant to her whims.*

I am SO proud of you, Jenn!   :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :dance: :groovey:

 :hug:


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Terichan

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #38 on: November 06, 2017, 01:34:08 AM »
I agree, you're doing great. You've spoken your mind, told her what you need to say, and taken action as well (refusing to bow to her endless demands, not answering her incessant texts, not caving when she pulled out her threat of "elder abuse", as well as blocking her on your phone). You're not just saying empty stuff to her, or begging her to stop what she's doing -- you're showing her that you're not gonna take this any more, in word and in deed. You're showing her that YOU have changed. She's pushed you past your breaking point. And things aren't going to go back to the way they were before.

And a big ol' yeah that to what everyone else said, take your break from her and use it to recover from her abuse, her manipulating, her threatening. Take that huge step back from your exhausting, demanding mother and focus on your FOC, the people who should be the focus of your life, your energy, your love. And that includes yourself! Your husband needs you and especially your small children need you, but don't forget that you need you too. And with your mother out of the forefront of your life, you can get you back.

Huge hugs. Your mother has exhausted me, and all I did was read your posts! We're all here, standing with you to give you strength and healing.
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FromTheSwamp

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #39 on: November 06, 2017, 01:38:47 AM »
Jenn, your reply to her was beautiful.  Now I'd follow it up with a big heaping dose of time to yourself.