The surgery saga continues

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #40 on: November 06, 2017, 11:10:10 AM »
I can't help feeling like this was a mistake. I just don't want to keep ignoring the things she says and acting like they were never said. I felt like they had to be addressed. I'm going to block her number tonight and I am so nervous.

Your email to her is excellent - I'm so proud of you! I hope you block her number for more than one night though. Block her until Wednesday  :upsidedown:

She isn't worrying about how to word any reply to you, she isn't worried about your feelings when she's being toxic to you. Please don't worry about her.

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jennsc85

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #41 on: November 06, 2017, 11:38:55 AM »
Her number is blocked. My plan is to keep it blocked for a couple days. I hope I'm able to do it. I feel so nervous but I have to keep asking myself "What can she really DO to me?" I come up with all these possibilities and I'm trying to tell myself how unlikely they are.

I feel good about the email I sent (if she even read it). I feel like she needed to be called out on the things she says and that she needs to realize she can't just throw around threats and allegations and have me write it off as her just being upset or emotional like I always do.

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moglow

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #42 on: November 06, 2017, 12:44:09 PM »
She can't force you to take care of her, drive her or hold her hand.  Now that she's thrown out the elder abuse comment, it doesn't make any sense whatsoever for her to suggest or demand anything further along those lines.  What *does* make sense is you taking a step back here, and you're doing that.

You are not wrong and never will be wrong for laying down boundaries that protect you and your family.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Fiasco

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #43 on: November 06, 2017, 01:51:41 PM »
Her number is blocked. My plan is to keep it blocked for a couple days. I hope I'm able to do it. I feel so nervous but I have to keep asking myself "What can she really DO to me?" I come up with all these possibilities and I'm trying to tell myself how unlikely they are.

I feel good about the email I sent (if she even read it). I feel like she needed to be called out on the things she says and that she needs to realize she can't just throw around threats and allegations and have me write it off as her just being upset or emotional like I always do.

 :cheers: :yourock: :waveline:

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blues_cruise

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #44 on: November 06, 2017, 02:08:53 PM »
That would be the final straw for me. My boundary would be no more physical or face to face contact. If I remember correctly, hasn't your mother accused of physical abuse in the past after hurting herself? Something to do with attempting bruise her own arm?

Yes, you are correct. Several years ago when she slapped me in the face and I told her I should call the police she made motions of bruising her wrist and asked what I thought the police would have to say about her having bruises on her wrist from me "grabbing" her.

Why that wasn't the final straw, I have no idea.

 :o That's terrible. :hug:

Her number is blocked. My plan is to keep it blocked for a couple days. I hope I'm able to do it. I feel so nervous but I have to keep asking myself "What can she really DO to me?" I come up with all these possibilities and I'm trying to tell myself how unlikely they are.

I feel good about the email I sent (if she even read it). I feel like she needed to be called out on the things she says and that she needs to realize she can't just throw around threats and allegations and have me write it off as her just being upset or emotional like I always do.

The chances are that she will just stew in her own anger and disbelief that she is finally losing control over you, as that's what it's all about. Even if any of scenarios you are imagining did come up, I can guarantee you that you would get through to the other side. It probably feels terrifying at the moment because she's brought you up to tend to her every whim and as a child it would have felt like you had to do so in order to avoid her wrath. You don't need this coping mechanism as an adult though and you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. Your children and your health need to be your top priority, not her. If you get back in contact and she's still threatening you then you are more than entitled to take a break again until she's willing to be more reasonable. You really are doing the right thing. :hug: 
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

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daughterofbpd

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #45 on: November 06, 2017, 04:20:18 PM »
 That email was great, Jenn. Good job. :cheer:
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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jennsc85

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #46 on: November 06, 2017, 10:26:54 PM »
I've had her blocked for the entire day and this may sound completely ridiculous to someone who doesn't have a parent with a PD but...

Aside from the guilt I feel, I really haven't felt this peaceful in a very long time.

The other times I've gone a day, two, three without talking to her, it was initiated by HER and I was sitting there waiting and waiting and dreading her getting back into contact with me.

This is the first time I've ever initiated it on my own. It was a really odd but nice feeling to be able to eat lunch at work without responding to 10 texts about my mother's health problems and questions. It was amazing to be able to do something as little as cooking dinner without worrying about my phone beeping with her incessant texts. It was almost unreal to be able to help my daughter with her homework and talk to my kids and my husband without the fear of my mother in the back of my head.

She has literally taken up every piece of my life, some without me realizing it. I hope I can keep this up for another couple days.

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VividImagination

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #47 on: November 06, 2017, 10:33:50 PM »
She has literally taken up every piece of my life, some without me realizing it. I hope I can keep this up for another couple days.

Every time the guilt creeps in tell yourself, "I'm taking MY LIFE back." Imagine it as a huge expanse of floor that has been covered in a tarry black slime.  Then imagine yourself and your FOC in one little corner with a sponge and a spray bottle of Lysol, scrubbing until it's white and gleaming. If you stop, the slime will engulf you, your kids, your DH and just.keep.going. Your life. Just keep scrubbing until that ENTIRE floor is yours. You can do it.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #48 on: November 06, 2017, 11:35:05 PM »
Jenn, it's been a long time coming and that sounds absolutely glorious! It must feel really good to finally be able to breathe!! Live life!!
· Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
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WomanInterrupted

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #49 on: November 07, 2017, 01:17:39 AM »
Well done, Jenn!   ;D

It feels different because she's not giving you the ST and you're not giving her the ST - you put up a boundary to protect yourself.   There's no anger involved - just self-preservation.  :)

Sure, you may have been angry when you did it, but your anger was a *catalyst* for this positive change!   :cheer:

It really IS amazing to realize just how much people like your mom creep in like an invasive species and take over your every waking moment with their endless demands and complaints!    :stars:

In moments of quiet, you realize, "My mom really IS the human equivalent of kudzu!  I'd better start cutting that stuff back before I'm trapped inside it, forever!"   :aaauuugh:

By cutting it back, I mean putting up MORE boundaries.

However...I think I'd KEEP this boundary (the phone block) in place *permanently.* 

YOU can make this feeling of peace LAST.  You can eat lunch, make dinner, help your DD with her homework ALL without interruption *if you want to.*

For me, those would be REALLY big motivators.   :cloud9:

So...at least consider extending it another week.  At the end of that week, consider adding on another week - and if you weaken, go back and read her last texts about elder abuse.  It might scare you enough to reconsider removing the block!

BTW...if you decide to extend it, don't tell her.  The boundary is FOR YOU and *not*  her, because she can't change and won't respond to boundaries.  You've already seen how well that goes.   :mad: :bawl: :dramaqueen: :pissed: :bawl: :dramaqueen: :dramaqueen:

Personally, I wouldn't give her another chance.  I'd cut my losses and savor my life without her.

You're ALLOWED to do that.  You just have to give yourself permission!   :yes:

 :hug:


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Terichan

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #50 on: November 07, 2017, 01:23:26 AM »
It was a really odd but nice feeling to be able to eat lunch at work without responding to 10 texts about my mother's health problems and questions. It was amazing to be able to do something as little as cooking dinner without worrying about my phone beeping with her incessant texts. It was almost unreal to be able to help my daughter with her homework and talk to my kids and my husband without the fear of my mother in the back of my head.

That's awesome! And this is what your life, your own life, is supposed to feel like. How it should be. How it should be all the time. By actively blocking your mother you're finally getting to experience what it can be like. And this is after only one day! WI's right, you can make this feeling, this freedom, last as long as you want it to. It's your choice, not your mother's.

Hang onto this feeling! Imagine what your life will be without your mother sucking all of your energy out of you on a daily basis -- you can totally do this!!
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

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bopper

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #51 on: November 07, 2017, 01:50:59 PM »
Moglow- You know what's funny? She actually texted me a couple hours after the elder abuse comment and told me that she was sorry for getting so "personal" but that next time I needed to "think" before I texted her.


Next time she texts you....wait a loooong time. Then if she says "Why aren't you responding" then you say "I'm thinking"   :cool2:

You can now decide if you want contact or no contact.
If you to decide on limited contact then you say "It is clear to me that you are not happy with the level of assistance I give you.  You need to get an aide that will help you with daily chores. I cannot do that anymore."
« Last Edit: November 07, 2017, 01:58:35 PM by bopper »
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bohemian butterfly

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #52 on: November 07, 2017, 02:15:57 PM »
Her number is blocked. My plan is to keep it blocked for a couple days. I hope I'm able to do it. I feel so nervous but I have to keep asking myself "What can she really DO to me?" I come up with all these possibilities and I'm trying to tell myself how unlikely they are.



 :yourock: :fireworks: :boogie: :cascade: :cheer: :chickendance: :banana: :elephant: :fireworks: :party: :woot: :waveline:

Great work!!!!  Sooo happy for you!!!   Enjoy the peace, you TOTALLY deserve it!!!!!!   

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jennsc85

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #53 on: November 07, 2017, 02:36:03 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement, you guys! I have her number blocked today still and was planning on keeping it that way until tomorrow...

I guess sitting at work makes me overthink and worry because I've come up with endless possibilities of what she's planning to get back at me. She did not ever respond to my email.

My grandpa texted me during my lunch and asked me to call him after work regarding something with my mom. I asked him if I should be worried and he said he didn't know.

Now I'm shaking I'm so nervous about what he is going to tell me. She's probably told him what she's planning. Should I unblock her number to see if she texts something? I'm so nervous about what he has to tell me.

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Fiasco

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #54 on: November 07, 2017, 02:45:00 PM »
Please don’t reward her frenzied push to get your attention by giving her attention. You are not a surgeon or an ER doctor or even a psychiatrist! You’re Jennsc85 and you’re doing great. We’re rooting for you!

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VividImagination

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #55 on: November 07, 2017, 03:02:04 PM »
1. She texted you back after the elder abuse comment because she realized she finally went too far . She was afraid of losing her slave, so she went into damage control. But then of course, she managed to blame HER bad behavior on you.

2. She is using your grandfather as a flying monkey. Don't fall for it. She will learn that next time she crosses a boundary all she has to do is cry to Daddy that defective daughter is no longer functioning and he will fix it by bringing you in line.

He doesn't know if something is wrong with her? Really? What a misleading statement meant to instill FOG. If there was something wrong with her, he'd know...she'd have screamed it at him in detail.

Ignore it. Your body is begging you (shaking, anxiety) not to engage with this toxicity. If something happens to your mother, she can call 911. She has before and can do so again. Keep that phone blocked and ignore your grandfather for a few days. He's safely taken care of, and your mother needs a crash course in growing the hell up.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #56 on: November 07, 2017, 03:04:56 PM »
Don't unblock her - and don't respond to him.  This is nothing more than a cheap ploy and a way around your phone block - which I'd now keep in place for a minimum of a week.

If she'd going to use your grandfather - and I do mean USE - as a messenger, you might want to consider restricting or blocking him, too.

You're worried about her plotting her revenge - there is NOTHING she can do to you.

Not a thing. 

Think about it.  What can she realistically DO to get back at you?

If she does manage to come up with some sort of half-assed plan intended to hurt or smear you, it's only going to make you pull away MORE and not get back into your Dutiful Doormat box.

Any plan she concocts probably isn't well thought-out and will have quite a few negative consequences for her.

Keep that in mind.  *She's* the one who will suffer the consequences of her rage.

Your mom is taking your, "NO" as "try harder."

Please don't fall for it.

This is all about her need to be in CONTROL.  She calls the shots!  Not you! 

All she has are words and empty threats - and you don't have to hear them from her or your grandfather, whom she's using as a Flying Messenger Monkey.

Stay the course.  Keep breathing.  You've GOT this.   :)

 :hug:

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Terichan

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #57 on: November 07, 2017, 03:29:02 PM »
My grandpa texted me during my lunch and asked me to call him after work regarding something with my mom. I asked him if I should be worried and he said he didn't know.

Now I'm shaking I'm so nervous about what he is going to tell me.

Ugh, this is so manipulative. Your mother is totally using your grandfather to sneak around your phone block, he might or might not know you blocked her but she sure does and she's using him as a tool to get to you. And look what it's done to you already, you're nervous and worried and shaking once again. And yeah, I call BS on him "not knowing" if you should be worried or not. Total BS. This is a trap. Don't fall into it.

I wouldn't respond to your grandfather either, or if you feel you have to say something, let him know that you're NOT going to discuss anything about your mother with him. Period, end of story.

Your mother is already testing your boundaries. Don't let them break, keep them up, remember the peace you felt yesterday, don't let your mother using your grandfather as a flying monkey destroy that peace. You still deserve your own life free from your mother's incessant demands, that hasn't changed just because she's recruited her father into this whole mess. STAY STRONG!
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #58 on: November 07, 2017, 03:35:55 PM »
Agree with everyone.  Please don't fall for it!  Total flying monkey! 

You are free Jenn, you are a free human.  You do not belong to anyone in your FOO. 

Sending you love and strength right now.  You can do it!!!  You are free!  She can't hurt you, she is powerless!!!!!

 :udawoman:

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: The surgery saga continues
« Reply #59 on: November 07, 2017, 03:42:32 PM »
One more thing......

I remembered that you posted in "PD elderly family members."  In your post, you wrote, My grandfather (her dad) is likely N as well and he has enabled my mother for her entire life. Financially, emotionally, and otherwise. He was not always very nice about it but he has always been there to pick up the pieces of her life.

That is your answer right there.  He is doing what he has always done...........

Sending you strength and love!!!  Remember, regardless of how you feel, you have more power than you think and you really and truly are free!!!
« Last Edit: November 07, 2017, 03:45:05 PM by bohemian butterfly »