The Sweetest Words

[Grahamcracker]

I was reading an article today on hoovering that said one technique PD abusers use is to tell the non who is learning to see beyond denial is to say "you've changed" as though it is a bad thing.  Made me smile with a jolt of recognition because in the weeks after I made my unilateral decision to retire, my T told me that based on what I told T, it must have really hit uBPDw hard.  Later that week W used those exact words in referring back to that, "you've changed."

I have to admit my first, Non, response was that maybe I was somehow "wrong" in my actions -- and therefore my T was wrong in supporting me.  The article reminded me that taking steps to reclaim myself is never "wrong."  And  yes, I hope to God that I have changed.

[Summer Sun]

GrahamCracker, my T once explained to me the roles we play in relationships in comparison to a mobile that hangs above a baby's crib.  If one person in the FOO or family unit changes which consequently tugs on one of the mobile's arms, the whole mobile is bouncing about, off balance, off kilter.  Others desire is for the known equilibrium, they want us to stay in our roles that serve them so well.  They do not embrace change that challenges their sense of safety.

My PD's tend to label the changes in a way that intends to invoke defensive posturing from me which I do not bite.  Your wife seems to just throw it out there, that you've changed?  And you're right. I hope to God I've changed.  A good non-defensive response to "you've changed" is "thank you.  Can you pass the potatoes please."

You're doing great Graham!

SS

[JollyJazz]

The article reminded me that taking steps to reclaim myself is never "wrong."

Absolutely!!! I think its great you are changing in a healthy way. I suspect that you W is annoyed that you are more assertive now - and that's a really good thing. You have every right to have healthy boundaries. Resigning from work and standing up to your W as you did was a great achievement!

I like Summer Sun's comment:

A good non-defensive response to "you've changed" is "thank you.  Can you pass the potatoes please."

Hope you are enjoying your well earned retirement! And hope you are still working on the personal growth things too

[Grahamcracker]

SS -- she threw the phrase out there as she was telling me, again, that she could never forgive my acting unilaterally in my retirement.  She was saying how I never would have done that in earlier times.  And I say amen to that.  I do think I am doing well.  Most days.

JJ- thanks as always for the kind and supportive words.

[Sydney16]

I get "you havent changed"