Gifts

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VeryUncertain

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Gifts
« on: November 16, 2017, 02:26:48 PM »
NPDm and NPDBro only give gifts rarely, and then they tend to give stuff they have lying around and don't want.  Whenever I've confronted them, they lie about it.

Anybody else run into this sort of ultra-cheap behavior?

The funny other side to it is that when I buy them nice things, those seem to break really quickly.  It's as if getting nice things is insulting to them, or maybe it's a reminder of their own selfishness.  If I give something inexpensive it's "trash" and if I give something nice, I'm "showing off" or something.  Hard to understand. 

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Gifts
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2017, 03:34:57 PM »
I get the sense that BPDm doesn't believe she is worthy of having something nice so she'll return an item if she doesn't need it, or it'll just sit somewhere unused. Maybe the breaking of things is self sabotage? It's hard to say. BPDm doesn't ever buy gifts because it is something she thinks the person will like, the gift is always what she thinks the person should have (even if you've said before that you have no interest in the item). BPDm also gives gifts based on a person's perceived worth (in her eyes). Thoughtful gift-giving is a way that I like to express my love so I feel really hurt when I receive a gift that clearly had no thought put into it. Some of my favorite gifts have been very inexpensive items where the giver took the time to make me something special or remembered my favorite scent, etc. I try to put less thought and money into my parent's gifts to lessen the hurt but I can't help being somewhat thoughtful without really trying. You aren't going to change NPDm and NPDBro, try to put in the same amount of effort as they do, or suggest forgoing the gift exchange entirely. I'm very tempted to do that with my own family at this point.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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bopper

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Re: Gifts
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2017, 04:46:44 PM »
This is a standard PD behavior.

I think there is some cognitive dissonance going on in their heads:

I need to give a gift at Xmas because people would think I was bad person if I didn't give gifts.
YET
Person doesn't deserve something nicer than what i have, so why should I spend money on them?


So they give the cheapest thing possible.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.