Doesn't bother even calling kids

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2nice

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Doesn't bother even calling kids
« on: December 03, 2017, 04:29:12 PM »
I'm not sure why I would be surprised. We are 8 days out from a family violence incident where police intervened.

He hurt me in front of kids.

Court sorted. He is allowed to email re kids and I
Said anytime he wants to call them in between visits is fine just to email first to let me know

Week one he sees them 3 hrs one day 4 hrs next day.

The whole weekend passes. No contact.

My boy got a remote control car and needs a screwdriver for batteries I said hey I can email Dad for u to see him and take it there. Would you like to go after school tomorrow? My son is like 'um Friday will do' 5 days away

He's 7

I was expecting tears every night. When are we going to see Dad? I want to talk to Dad. Nope

I expected Dad to want to call them. Damn I would. Nope

I imagine you guys find this familiar

I actually had a flash of anger over him. What a selfish person.

I'm glad my boys are happy with me. I'm so lucky I'm not dealing with custody issues.

I have an Avo that trumps family court.

However I was willing to allow phone contact etc. he just doesn't think beyond himself




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Whiteheron

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Re: Doesn't bother even calling kids
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2017, 07:26:23 PM »
You provide security and stability. On some level your boys recognize that. Stbx used to take really long business trips and be "too busy" to call home. My kids didn't even notice. Now when he's gone on one of his trips he calls every night and I can tell the kids are annoyed.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Rose1

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Re: Doesn't bother even calling kids
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2017, 07:56:07 PM »
At first I was pushing for contact with the kids but I found out later that he was raging etc. We didn't see much of him for 3 months after he left except for raging calls occasionally. I went to see a woman's legal service regarding pushing him to at least see the kids because I thought they should see their father. Best advice ever was to leave it alone, anything I put in place I had to live with too. With nothing in place I had choices to deny visits if I thought he was under the influence or raging. Happened about 3 times.
I'm grateful now that the girls had very  limited contact. Exbpdh's idea was to make my life as difficult as possible and he saw having the kids as "helping me out" which he had no intention of doing. On the occasions he did have them he often dumped them on his parents, or something went wrong (passive aggressive stuff, always a source of stress) and always late back. Overall it was a game and he eventually only saw them when he was trying to look good for someone, maybe once or twice a year. For which in hindsight I am immensely grateful.
I made a family life for us, took the kids on a couple of road trips (went to Grafton jacaranda festival, I'd always wanted to go) and found out that holidays could be fun and stress free. We bonded and healed.

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Stumbleon

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Re: Doesn't bother even calling kids
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2017, 03:10:14 AM »
I empathize 2nice, my ex ignores mine and altho they are young adults it is still painful as a mom. But they are thankfully really independent and mature and never bring it up, I think we take it much harder than they do!! We can only model good parenting behavior and love.

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Kit99

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Re: Doesn't bother even calling kids
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2017, 12:28:15 AM »
My exH didnít call our kids for a year and he consistently cancelled or shortened his minimal parenting time. Then he got a girlfriend who likes kids and guess who is now showIng up as father of the year?!  He calls and puts on a great show for her. Itís infuriating.

My point is, hopefully yours will stay away permanently but donít be surprised if he shows up again for his own self interests. He will manipulate the kids if it gets him an ego boost.

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cant turn back

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Re: Doesn't bother even calling kids
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2017, 02:37:29 AM »
I have the opposite problem, which I think is far worse.  My STBXH has his claws so deeply imbedded into DD14 with his FOTY act, he must, his abandonment and self esteem issues are running rampant with my divorcing him.  I simply canít fathom my STBXH eloping or bailing on the situation.  He has dug his heels in, I have to move out.  His whole persona that he is trying to put out to the world is how wonderful he is, poor guy getting a divorce and totally stepping up for his daughter, isnít he a great guy?  Strong?  Resilient? 
 :sadno:

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Whiteheron

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Re: Doesn't bother even calling kids
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2017, 01:14:40 PM »
can't turn back - as soon as he finds someone else, another source of supply, he will put all of his efforts into that person instead of your DD. I hope you are able to get her into therapy, it will help her deal with the eventual discard. I'm not trying to say it WILL happen, just based on my experiences with my stbx, he does the hoover/enmeshment - discard cycle fairly regularly with the kids. Right now, as we await the results from our psych eval/custody recommendation, he's in high gear trying to hoover both kids. the oldest is more resistant and doesn't get the attention that youngest does. It's sickening. But all I can do is be here for her, as her stable parent. His gf is both a curse and a blessing. Blessing because it gave me a built in excuse to file, a curse, because he does more with the kids so he can show off to her (she has kids of her own) But now that I think of it, he had the gf, but didn't do anything with the kids until I filed... interesting. Anyways, once he's got her hooked and under his thumb, he wont' need to use the kids as bait anymore (I know that sounds horrible). My point is, once he has no one to show off for (be it the gf, the courts, etc.) I completely expect things to go back to 'normal' - ie minimal interaction with both kids.

Once you are separated and in your own place, I think your DD will begin to see what's going on and where she's most comfortable. No one is comfortable being manipulated and used.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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2nice

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Re: Doesn't bother even calling kids
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2017, 04:35:30 PM »
This week much the same. Main update is he is very much in victim role. Has to pay own bills- imagine that! So can't afford to feed kids as well. I'm paying everything but expected that

I asked him about Xmas leave.

Found out he going interstate 22nd dec for two weeks! Stay family. No kids. Not even staying around to see them Xmas day.

Told me he's sure I have other options for childcare for work during that period. As if he's a babysitter not a father.

Decided to let sleeping dogs lie. Act as if he dead. He can contact me to see them. I'm not going to try convince him to be a father anymore

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Doesn't bother even calling kids
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2017, 05:02:39 PM »
It is really sad to see a parent not showing an interest in their children, not wanting to spend time with them. And we as nons often feel guilty for choosing the pd to be our children's parent.  I know I do.

My ds11's father is a high functioning u/npd. He sees ds every weekend, once during the week & half the holidays.

But in between times he doesn't contact him. Ds has an iPad from which he can text his father and others. I think I can count on one hand how often his father has texted him. Ds' s Nsmum though:  texts him nearly every day. Fishes for info, hopes he doesn't have to go to church (with me), don't tell mum you watched xyz movie, she loves him, she's proud of him etc.  :barfy:

Neither of them attend any school functions. Great for me, sad for ds.  His father rarely attends any of ds' s medical appointments.  She, until recently,  was at nearly every one.

But ds is fine with the situation.  I think he wants to keep his life with me seperate from his life with his dad. He doesn't want to text his dad when I encourage him to. And he rarely replies to his Nsmum's texts. He basically never replies to mine when he's with his dad.

It's peaceful. It means ds is able to have his life with me without overlapping it with his father,  and vice versa. I think in our case that's important and it works. And it's far less stressful for me!

AOD

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kazzak

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Re: Doesn't bother even calling kids
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2017, 05:03:58 PM »
Good for you, 2nice! It sounds like you are making wise minded decisions!! There are definitely times that it is best to let things go. I know you can get through anything he throws your way - you already have been through enough. Holidays are different at my home. Some of the best ever - enjoy!