VLC

  • 2 Replies
  • 465 Views
*

4mya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 46
VLC
« on: December 20, 2017, 10:31:56 AM »
With most (all except my uPDm) I have had no contact with in my family for 5 months... a few almost a year. My mother pressed in after 3 months of NC (I am a new mother and this is very painful for her to not be apart of- which is why the desperation from her normally she would have given up) she did use the silent treatment but did not realize I was detaching so the crazy game playing didn't work or matter I was thankful for the NC and it was my intended purpose with our relationship.

Anyways- I have a boundary of low contact with her which is every 6 weeks a quick visit less than an hour with medium chill on my part. She hates this and is displaying more borderline traits than ever. I think she is a borderline with a narcissistic shell ...doesn't really matter I just have never seen her act this way. NC might be what ends up happening because she might not be able to do every 6 weeks as it is "too painful" for her. As she has reminded me through text email several times.

About  Social media - I went to block or unfriend several family members as this has been a cause of contact by text by my M and all of the ones I went to had already unfriended me! I had relief but also a feeling of unease and fear.

I am still struggling a lot with living my own life in the small town I am in. although it is slightly getting better. I have a malignant narcissistic brother who I am still afraid of (have not seen since June) and sister who is I think borderline (very close to brother and very co-dependent with borderline traits since we were young) and covert narc mom with borderline traits all living here- and brother and mom living on the same property together.

Point is I just want to be free to go anywhere and not fear seeing them. It has been a long year with intense episodes of C-PTSD .
my daughter is now almost one I am doing my very best to constantly engage with her and be present but I struggle with going to stores or events ect in town. It is like they have a big tribe of insanity I left so I am "evil" to them (my brother literally uses this word a lot - he is malignant)  and I fear the big tribe because I am one person.

I know I have childlike fears but I am still afraid. I do have weekly counseling sessions with an excellent therapist. I work daily on meditations ect.  I am exercising, taking care of my daughter, have some new friends who don't know my family or past, and a very supportive husband of 16 years (although we have had our struggles this year as one might guess as new parents). .

Questions:
How long does it take keeping to my boundaries to feel free?
I don't have the option to leave this town- is it bearable in the same town?

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 17089
  • Individuation = our key to emotional freedom
    • One Key to Better Boundaries
Re: VLC
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2017, 11:26:22 AM »
Quote
How long does it take keeping to my boundaries to feel free?
There is no one-size-fits-all to this journey. My personal belief is much will depend on how much you truly own within yourself you are personal human rights and the boundaries that you have outlined. It helped me to go through some of the exercises in the working on us sticky topic on boundaries especially the ones that attached boundaries to personal values. There were some exercises for helping define personal values and therefore these values and boundaries have nothing to do with PD persons but have to do with the finding myself as a person. The more I own both my rights and boundaries the more free I feel.

The toolbox topic working on yourself also helped because the more we take the focus off the dysfunction and the PD person and build our life the more we can heal.

Quote
I don't have the option to leave this town- is it bearable in the same town?
yes I live in a very small community and know the absolute terror one can feel simply running into your PD person at the store or local events. Once I even left a full cart of groceries and bolted from the store.

A few things that helped:
Changing up my schedule, changing up the places I went and things that I did, even where I bought groceries, pharmacy, etc.
Stepping back and discovering my own interests (which also happened to be nothing that uPDm and enF would ever choose to do) and then attending classes and events for these interests.
Widening out and broadening horizons.
Trying meet up, book clubs, local coffee shop events, etc. - Rather than dreading my daily activity I found myself looking forward to discovering some really fun things.

When at large events where the PD person is in attendance I'm aware of where they are in the room and try to float the opposite way. We're not NC so there might be a few medium chill social pleasantries exchanged but that's about it. Since you're NC it might help to review emotional flashback management over on Pete Walker's website. That sounds like just seeing the PD person is triggering a flashback.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
Empowered  Growth blog

*

4mya

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 46
Re: VLC
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2017, 02:14:55 PM »
Spring Butterfly- So helpful!!

Thank you very much.

I am slowly doing all the things mentioned in your post. I am finding myself and knowing my boundaries lie within me - understanding fully that they are for me and no one else. Which has led me into separating from several not so healthy friendships I had made. I also have a this sense of when I am letting go of fear obligation and guilt in my FOO I am doing so in all relationships. I am realizing there is a lot of toxicity in relationships I could not see before.

The part about the small town- I am doing just that. I have completely changed my schedule, I go out at different times, do different things ect. I am finding things I enjoy in close towns 30 min drive and taking my daughter places where she can play and learn that are different than the places I went as a young child (most of the PD family members or enablers still frequent those places with their children).  I am also strong in front of her the last thing I want is to be in C-PTSD and have her experience my pain - this is unfair and was what I was subject to constantly. So the distance/NC also helps support giving her the life I want to provide for her.

It helps to read that others have done this same journey. Often as I navigate this road the thoughts come in that I am the crazy one (gas lighted my whole life this makes perfect sense)and because I am the ONLY person in the family to go to this length (not part of the tribe anymore).

The flashbacks come regularly still but honestly less than the first month so I can see progress. My inner voice is stronger and I can talk to my inner child and catch when it is my inner child vs. my strong adult self that is now being formed. That is progress. Big time! So I will keep moving in the direction I am. Hoping to help others some day.

thanks for the reference of Pete Walker - I have several resources but have not heard of him yet.