Hoovered, but I don't want to be an N's friend

  • 23 Replies
  • 2854 Views
*

SpringLight

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 320
Re: Hoovered, but I don't want to be an N's friend
« Reply #20 on: January 01, 2018, 03:32:05 PM »


Hope the mother reaching out to you is a sincere attempt to improve your relationship and not hoovering.

Happy New Year, to you, Gaining Clarity. And Happy New Year  to everyone here on OOF, even those who we would classify as IHCS! :tongue:

Being an IHCS isn't necessarily one of the Narc diagnostic criteria. Well, not yet! But maybe with more research and WHEN I WRITE MY BOOK-- it might be!! ;D

As for my childhood Nfriend...this return of the "Love" in her emails--after years-- feels superficial and meaningless. (I know you were trying to be hopeful!) Until I see actual evidence of wanting to have a relationship of real give and take, and mutual interest and respect, I'm not... moved.   Actually, maybe I'm just jaded...but it felt calculated.

This isn't me being touchy...I have always had a VERRRRY, too high tolerance for N behavior. Thanks, members of my FOO!  :stars: I've allowed her N'ism to overtake, totally consume our relationship. This has gotten a lot worse in the past decade. There are innumerable examples that I've just swept under the rug.  So, I take responsibility for that.

I don't know yet what my New Year's resolutions will be...but one of them should be-- to stop ruminating over pleasing and appeasing the N's and remaining PD's in my life. This healthful habit of extricating myself from people-pleasing and appeasing feels extremely uncomfortable for me, the SG, the life-long pleaser, fixer, the doormat with less important needs. But it's a necessary attitude adjustment for my mental as well as physical health.

I think, borrowing biggerfish's idea...this is going to be The Year of the People Unpleaser, for me.  I'll try it for a year. Not to be mean, or gratuitously selfish. But just to put myself and my needs first.  Something that we all should do! My resources (especially my time, energy and rumination) focusing on PD's have been depleted.  I hope next year at this time I can look back at real progress in this area. I'd hate to be stuck with the same complaints and laments--come next New Year's Day! :blink:

*

Gaining Clarity

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 284
Re: Hoovered, but I don't want to be an N's friend
« Reply #21 on: January 01, 2018, 09:59:32 PM »
Spring Light,

I'm with you on ruminating over the Ns and PDs in our lives. It is a tremendous time and energy sapper. But then again, a certain amount is needed to get to a better head space, right? At least that's what I've been telling myself.

You seem to favor quotes like I do. So I'll share one that I'm trying to abide by in 2018:

"Where your attention goes, energy flows."

I'm committed to putting my attention on the things that I care about most: my DH, DS, pup, work, volunteerism, my health, and those friends, neighbors and family who are supportive and respectful. Let's keep each posted on how our resolutions progress throughout the year  :)

*

SpringLight

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 320
Re: Hoovered, but I don't want to be an N's friend
« Reply #22 on: January 02, 2018, 08:20:42 PM »
Spring Light,

I'm with you on ruminating over the Ns and PDs in our lives. It is a tremendous time and energy sapper. But then again, a certain amount is needed to get to a better head space, right? At least that's what I've been telling myself.

You seem to favor quotes like I do. So I'll share one that I'm trying to abide by in 2018:

"Where your attention goes, energy flows."

I'm committed to putting my attention on the things that I care about most: my DH, DS, pup, work, volunteerism, my health, and those friends, neighbors and family who are supportive and respectful. Let's keep each posted on how our resolutions progress throughout the year  :)

Yes, let's do it, Gaining Clarity...and anyone else reading these words who wants to participate.

We will devote our attention (and  that "flow of energy" you mentioned) ONLY to people who are supportive and respectful.

As for as rumination is concerned, you're right. It's important for us to process our thoughts and feelings. And do the requisite reflection. We also need to examine the history, all the facts, too, in addition to our feelings --in order to understand what we can do in our reactions to/interactions with PD people.  That's all important and valid.

 :-\ However, I guess the kind of unproductive rumination I do with PD people is... doubting and dismissing my feelings and instincts. There is that critical voice  I hear (a voice that sounds like my older sister's voice!) that says: "You're being too sensitive."  Here's another one from BPDsis: "You're expecting too much." "You probably DID SOMETHING that made X do/say that."

This lifelong friend I've mentioned  here on OOF, is a good example. I've had gut reactions to certain behaviors of hers for almost a decade.  Upon typing "doubting my instincts" I've just realized that there is not a single member here on OOF who has NOT doubted his or her instincts.

But I have almost always "stuffed" those feelings, those instincts.  I rationalized that whatever discomfort I was feeling... that "a person shouldn't EVER just give up on a lifelong friendship."

 But, of course, I eventually realized it was SHE, not ME, who was the one who was "giving up." She really has taken our friendship for granted for a very long time.  She took my N-supply for granted. But, the relationship became so very one-sided.  It was all about her, all the time.  She very noticeably has ignored any of my news.  Yeah, news--that's all we did in recent years--exchanges of news. She couldn't or wouldn't handle anything about feelings.  And I would never get a reaction (I was ignored) if I shared bad/sad news.

And this wasn't just a rough patch. This has been going on for many years.  :doh:

Any, I'm committed, as are you,  to being discerning. And to acting in accordance with that knowledge. Instead of sweeping all of it under the rug.

At this point in my life, my FOO remains the greatest struggle-- with respect to unproductive rumination. PARTICULARLY the sibs! And my NB's newest wife.  :aaauuugh:

I'm better at not always being the perpetual "pleaser" (As you know, Gaining Clarity, we can't please our FOO anyway, so...why persist in trying?! THAT behavior gets better with age. ) But as someone who has an overactive empathetic nature, I'm still trying to be the "fixer." 

Anyway, I'm starting to let go of that....now that I'm in my dotage.  :D

"Where your attention goes, energy flows." Yes, we might as well dedicate our (LIMITED) time and attention to WORTHY people.

P.S. I had some quotes to contribute....but somehow I lost them (where did the page go????!! :stars:) on New Year's Day! I will try to retype them, from my post-it notes in the trash! ;D

PPS. Question: who was more critical of you? Was it your M or your PDsis?  (I know you've said they are like two peas in a pod, so perhaps with them, it's about the same frequency...)

In recent times, I've been thinking my sibs did more PD harm, more consistently to me-- than any of my M or F ever did. (I guess it  doesn't help to be the youngest in the FOO....)
« Last Edit: January 02, 2018, 08:28:39 PM by SpringLight »

*

Gaining Clarity

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 284
Re: Hoovered, but I don't want to be an N's friend
« Reply #23 on: January 03, 2018, 02:22:33 PM »
Yes, let's do it, Gaining Clarity...and anyone else reading these words who wants to participate.  :yahoo:

However, I guess the kind of unproductive rumination I do with PD people is... doubting and dismissing my feelings and instincts. There is that critical voice  I hear (a voice that sounds like my older sister's voice!) that says: "You're being too sensitive."  Here's another one from BPDsis: "You're expecting too much." "You probably DID SOMETHING that made X do/say that."

This lifelong friend I've mentioned  here on OOF, is a good example. I've had gut reactions to certain behaviors of hers for almost a decade.  Upon typing "doubting my instincts" I've just realized that there is not a single member here on OOF who has NOT doubted his or her instincts.

But I have almost always "stuffed" those feelings, those instincts.  I rationalized that whatever discomfort I was feeling... that "a person shouldn't EVER just give up on a lifelong friendship."


So well said, Spring Light! Ah yes, the FOO (your older sis in this case) implying you're oversensitive and/or blaming you. With family like that, who needs enemies? But it's essential to recognize the feelings they stir in us, so that we can be more discerning and set better boundaries in the future.

At this point in my life, my FOO remains the greatest struggle-- with respect to unproductive rumination.

Completely agree! Despite asking my Nmom to refrain from calling or texting me after 8 pm (I'm just too tired and need to be alert when dealing with FOOs) for YEARS, she continuously chooses to call at 9, 10 and sometimes even 11 pm (passive aggressive and controlling if you ask me). I don't answer (in an attempt to set boundaries). So she'll start texting me and/or leaving snippy voicemails that say things like, "I haven't heard from you in ages!" (even though I just spoke with her the day before) or "I was just calling to see if you were still alive." (even though she has ZERO interest in knowing anything about me or my DH or DS). If I DO pick up the call or text, I always regret it. I end up ruminating throughout the night about my FOO, leaving me with little to no sleep. I have vowed this year to turn my phone to Do Not Disturb after 8 pm and to NOT look at it until the next morning.

PPS. Question: who was more critical of you? Was it your M or your PDsis?  (I know you've said they are like two peas in a pod, so perhaps with them, it's about the same frequency...)

In recent times, I've been thinking my sibs did more PD harm, more consistently to me-- than any of my M or F ever did. (I guess it  doesn't help to be the youngest in the FOO....)


I would say mostly my mom but as my sis got older and closer to my mom, they became a tag team. In an earlier post, I talked about how my mother came into my room one day, two weeks before I was to go off to college as a freshman, and sat down in a chair. She said, "I've been thinking about all of the problems in our family and have come to realize that you are at the root of them."  :stars:  Mind you, I had never been in trouble. I was involved in sports, volunteered, worked. I said to her, "Did you notice that I'm packed for college already?" She said, "Yes." I said, "I am because of statements like the one you just made." As if on cue, my PDsis (14 years old at the time) walked into my room and said in the voice of an attendant in a psych ward, "We're not here to hurt you. We're here to help you."  :sadno: Interestingly, neither gave me a reason as to why they felt I was a problem.

I'm a middle child. Older sis was apple of Dad's eye (he did not have PDs but was gone a lot). Younger PDsis obviously M's favorite. I have a disabled sib who got both parents' attention for obvious reasons.

You being the youngest, I can understand why you would feel the affects of PD more from them than your parents.

Look forward to channeling our attention on more worthy people and things this year.