Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?

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Funmum

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #20 on: December 31, 2017, 06:38:37 PM »
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.
Yes I have also experienced this, sometimes it's large chunks of time the further back I go, as of my head is just switched it off, or put it in deep storage.
What you said about thinking behaviours were normal and therefore not remembering them as shocking also happens to me.
I'm sorry for what you are going through with DH just now. I split from my partner after horrendous behavioural patterns of putting me down and stroppy passive aggressive tantrums and physically intimidating behaviour, which got worse as I got away. He engaged in therapy, for nine months, to sort himself out he said and change, still goes occasionally but we are back together now and he still does things like this. Better than it was but not good enough. While we were apart I engaged in counselling which drew attention to why I found myself in this situation then the treatment by my mother came up. I spoke about things I never had and t was shocked at how matter of fact I was. It was difficult to get m memories clear and in order. I have only distressing pockets of memories from my childhood, with some good ones about my father, who left when I was a teenager and my mother stopped me from seeing to punish him.
The memory thing is hugely frustrating. I will try the methods mentioned to improve this also.
Meanwhile my partner has stormed out to go to a party for new year. Saying myself and my kids make him feel uncomfortable because we watched a kids film together last night that I knew he wouldn't like. He spent the entire day in the bedroom today as well after I let the kids watch something for an hour he didn't like.
It's childish and passive aggressive and the sort of thing that used to stress me. It's a different stress now though. Tiredness of same old rubbish. I can see big changes ahead for new year.
I hope you find a way forward though with your DH. 😘

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carrots

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #21 on: January 02, 2018, 10:09:04 AM »
Dinah,  :bighug:  Coming OOTF and dealing with trauma is incredibly difficult.  all4peace and SpringButterfly have given you excellent advice. 

I think that sometimes the first step is to clearly define and speak our boundaries. Even if it's "It's not ok to speak to me like that." Over time you can develop that further, like what you'll do if he chooses to speak that way anyway.

THIS.  I urge you to do this for yourself and your DD.  You and your husband are modeling what committed relationships look like.  She's learning that it's okay to be verbally and emotionally abused.  I'm sure that's not your intention, but that's what she's seeing.  ...


 :yeahthat:

Yes, I get memory loss. I also know how hard it is to heal from all this dysfunctional mess you / i / we grew up with.

I learned so deeply that it's OK to be abused verbally, psychologically, and physically (even though I never ended up in hospital, as FOo always said, so it wasn't real abuse) that I just don't have romantic relationships / partners. Friends yes. Partners, no.

Sending you courage to change to a way of handling that feels good to you!

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bgirl12

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #22 on: January 04, 2018, 12:10:00 AM »
You do love your mom and that is why you felt that you had a good childhood, maybe?  I think children in general are most forgiving and the bond is so strong with a parent that deep inside they do feel love. The emotion of love makes us feeling like things are good. It takes time and help to look back at that and process the abuse, perhaps forgive, but also to decide how to handle the abusive parent. It is always ongoing. I think I feel love a lot but in the back of my mind I have to remember the truth of today. The past is the past. I have done a lot of work on it and am still working. The truth I base my feelings on is my mom's behavior like this year. I re evaluate and compare to previous months and years (I journal so I don't forget offenses. I forgive, but I need to find patterns and not be deceived.)  I write things down. I save emails and texts that are nasty. I remind myself of whom I am dealing with before I speak and while we are together. I slow things down and I don't react.

I don't think about the abuse of my childhood when I am with my mom. I think about it, don't get wrong. My first memory of abuse was being screamed at and having my face shoved in my own feces in the first floor bathroom after I was potty trained and had an accident at home. I forgive her. I know I forgot a lot of things and that is a survival mechanism. What I remember now is that this woman is not thinking of me when we talk. She is thinking of herself. She may not be fully listening. She will throw me under the bus when it suits her and her golden child, my also PD sibling.  She will take what I say and twist it and triangulate family members. I can honor her as my mother and have a relationship with her, and after that, I will be hurt much and accused much.  I see post-traumatic stress in my life now that I have begun to heal and I have always avoid confrontation because of the trauma.
This is something I want to get more help with in my life. Thank you for sharing with me. You are not alone. You are not wrong to love her. The abuse is in the wrong.

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Happypants

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #23 on: January 04, 2018, 11:03:07 AM »
This thread has been one of the most validating things i've read since coming OOTF!!  :applause:  I feel like in order to keep validating my experience and not go down the self-questionning road i REALLY REALLY TRY to keep a mental account of what was said, how it was said, and most importantly why it was said whilst simultaneously editing/sieving/compacting everything i say in order to avoid being hoovered.  But then i would come off the phone and try to recount to my husband exactly what had happened and find myself unable to remember the majority of the conversation, only snippets. 

One thing i will add is that i'm sure she (uPDm) is aware of this affect and takes advantage with hoovering and remembering (she has the memory capacity of a NASA server when required but jokes about her old-age bad memory when it suits her).  This makes a huge amount of sense - thanks for posting x

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daughter

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #24 on: January 04, 2018, 11:07:00 AM »
I've a strong visual memory, like film-strip clips, of many past good and bad moments in my life.  But without the visual memory imprint, I've forgotten a lot too.  It helps to journal, to record these specific episodes in writing for ourselves.  And talk-therapy often also opens "flood-gates" of repressed memories.

I think "good girl/dutiful daughter" ACONs have learned to repress their emotional responses to rude and abusive behaviors from family, because that's the expectation-pattern established.  Our feelings haven't mattered; we're supposed to be self-effacing, and forgiving, and concerned about other family members' feelings, even when they're behaving badly towards us.  So there's that "brain-flush", where we either don't recall the particulars of the situation, or feel duty-bound to "forgive-and-forget" in speedy (and self-denying) manner.  We explain-away to ourselves that "it isn't so bad", that we're "emotionally strong enough to endure it", that or parent-spouse-child is "going thru a bad time", even while we closely monitor our own behaviors and responses for any potential offense to be taking, even while we hold ourselves to exemplary standards.

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all4peace

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #25 on: January 04, 2018, 12:06:33 PM »
For various reasons, including uNBPDm's nonstop lying, I correspond with her nearly only by email or text. Maybe 3 phone calls in the last year. She is STILL totally gaslighting me and painting me to be an angry, unstable, vengeful person. Despite total evidence to the contrary. This is why we learn ways to protect our reality, as the PD in our life would love to convince us of another story.

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Hazy111

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #26 on: January 04, 2018, 01:11:55 PM »
Yep  as previously said its dissociation.  My T explained thats what traumatised children do, to protect themselves. I had so few memories of childhood.

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all4peace

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #27 on: January 04, 2018, 01:27:12 PM »
Yep  as previously said its dissociation.  My T explained thats what traumatised children do, to protect themselves. I had so few memories of childhood.
Urg, thanks for correcting my spelling! This is the correct spelling, not mine earlier :)

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #28 on: January 05, 2018, 06:28:45 PM »
Reading these responses was so validating. Yes, I dissociate. I do. I did yesterday, I feel the pull today. Yesterday it was my BPDm, today my DH is another one of his "moods." It is so tense here. He is fighting with my DD, and pitting my kids against each other. Instead of acting like a parent, he acts like a toddler in some ways. Like if he just acts grumpy enough my DD will change to make him feel better.

but yeah. I am probably going to post what I remember of my mom from yesterday too.

I feel like I am losing so much of my life, because I do this regularly. Every week. I was just sitting here thinking of how it might stop if I went NC with people in my life who are high conflict, manipulative, abusive, or PD. But where could I go? LOL.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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carrots

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #29 on: January 05, 2018, 06:37:47 PM »
I don't just get memory loss, I've also lost what feels like some of my capacity to form new memories, of things which are neutral to positive. It's time I started protecting myself better.

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #30 on: January 05, 2018, 06:52:28 PM »
Wow Carrots, that is so interesting. My DD and I were just talking about how I don't remember TV shows and movies. My DD said, "mom can watch the same episode over and over, and each time it is brand new. She forgets who the murderer was, and she solves the mystery fresh each time she sees it." I do. I can watch a TV show or a movie and completely forget what happened. I watch things again and again and enjoy them the same each time. I literally forget what happens, and how it ends. I think the only thing I remember is how it made me feel. So if I remember I liked it, I will watch it again to find out why.

So weird. I wonder if that has anything to do with all this.

DD was literally just making fun of me last night, we were watching a show and we had seen it before, DD was telling me what would happen and I was like, "how do you remember all of this?" and she was like, "How do you forget?" We were laughing so hard.

I feel so broken.

There are also people I know, where I know how I feel about them, but I can't remember why.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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VividImagination

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #31 on: January 05, 2018, 07:08:10 PM »
I'm trying to remember if you see a T, Dinah...great memory I have,  eh? If you do, this would be a great topic. If not, you could definitely benefit from learning how to react assertively to your H.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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all4peace

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #32 on: January 05, 2018, 07:13:40 PM »
My memory has gotten so bad that I kind of grieve for it. It amuses my DD, irritates my DS. It makes me feel sad, as I forget so much. I joke about discovering new birds every year, and new plants. I have nearly finished entire books before having a vague sense that I have in fact read it before. But I do feel sad about forgetting important things in my loved one's lives, forgetting names, things that people expect others to remember and that feel thoughtless to forget. And I don't like to make nonstop excuses, but I am constantly apologizing for memory loss when its effects may have hurt another's feelings.

It started, or became obvious, when I became a mom. I thought it was "mom" brain. It's gotten steadily worse over the years. Some of it probably is lack of sleep at this moment, and a lot on my mind, but it was bad before those 2 issues.

I meant to talk to my doctor about it but literally kept forgetting every time I had an appt.

If anyone finds great research on how to reverse some of this, let's try to remember to share it!

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LightOrb

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #33 on: January 06, 2018, 06:31:59 AM »
Dinah-sore, I'm a newbie. But I wanted to say that you are me! Murder mysteries are my dearest hobby, but I can never remember who is the killer. My brother and ex used to affectionately joke about my inability to remember. For many years I just thought I was wired like this, weird, but "normal". Until I blocked the last email my ex sent me. I knew I was hurt beyond words, but a couple of weeks later I could not remember why. Although I still can't remember so many things, my therapist told me the memory loss is my dear body protecting me  :sadno: I don't mean to be insensitive, but I feel better knowing I'm not the only one.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #34 on: January 06, 2018, 09:22:48 AM »
Yes I can totally relate to the TV programs and forgetting. Some things I remember well but other things are completely lost in my brain. Sometimes I'll bookmark a program to watch and DH wonders why were watching it again so not only do I not remember the plot or the outcome I don't even remember having watch the program in the first place. Throughout the program at pivotal key points DH will ask do you remember it now? Because apparently the upcoming scene is so critical it should jog a memory, but nope not a clue. It's all new to me every time.

Until you mentioned with the TV I would have said yes disassociation related to abuse situations but it seems a bit more than that. One of the things I remember reading early in my journey is that reality is sometimes so horrific that a child will go deep into their own created world. Disassociation is not just connected with the abuse situations but becomes a constant. It may have been connected with C PTSD, I don't remember  :P

As it is a child's brain waves are different from a teenager or adult which is why imaginary worlds are so real to children. If daily life is so toxic and scary the only safe place is this self-created safe world I wonder if it impacts the ability to build memories in general. Personally I grew up not wanting to remember so maybe those pathways we're just not fully developed.

Like I said though, some things I remember quite well, in detail, sharp as a tack. Certain subjects of study I can deep dive and remember. Maybe it has to do with the content of the TV show, something about it perhaps triggering and purposely not wishing to remember? Maybe without even realizing it's triggering?
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all4peace

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #35 on: January 06, 2018, 10:05:28 AM »
As you mention, SB, it can become habitual in our current life. It's on my list of things for my T to work with me on, written down since I keep forgetting to ask him, know they're important and don't want to let them slip away. I told him (per my list) that sometimes I forget what he has said 3 seconds earlier. Now I'm simply just asking him if he could please repeat what he just said, because it's important and it makes me feel robbed and feel actual grief to walk away from a vital therapy session and be unable to remember so much of it.

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Hazy111

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #36 on: January 06, 2018, 10:25:56 AM »
I dont know if this should be another thread, but what dissociation is not only forgetting but is the "living in the head" thing, daydreaming ,fantasy life.

 I didnt realize i did this to, until it was explained to me, i was doing it. I thought everybody did it.

A tendency to overanalyze rather than act? Procrastinate. I can get easily distracted and switch off as well, the urge to do something pleasurable, self sooth.  Ill start doodling, or get something to eat, log on internet. When i was smoking, this would be a classic example. So many smokers i know, would say the same,  the cigarette is a used as a reward and puts off doing something.

Its part of the four Fs of defense in C-PTSD, the  "freeze" dissociative fantasy , sort of opting out state that Peter Walker describes in his book.

All part of dealing with abuse.

It was something my father did a lot. our family would comment on it. He would be in a shop or something and he would suddenly just stand there gazing into the distance, daydreaming, lost in his own world.

Do others do this? I think all children of PD parents suffer form C-PTSD in its various forms.


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VividImagination

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #37 on: January 06, 2018, 11:24:17 AM »
It's one of the reasons so many traumatized artists and authors have such rich creative lives...they live in their heads. I lived a complete fantasy life until yoing adulthood,  when i realized it wasn't normal and tried to distract myself from doing it. I made the mistake as a child once to try and explain to my NM why I was so zones, and she flipped out and screamed that I was schizophrenic. She never put the "Vivid is crazy" flag down for the rest of her life...it was a great excuse to never take anything I said seriously again, especially any abuse allegations.

I really think my brain didn't put down necessary neural pathways for adequate memory storage.
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Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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SpunHead13

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #38 on: January 06, 2018, 12:17:09 PM »
I too have trouble with missing memories and dissociation.  There are huge chunks of childhood I simply don't remember. I just have snippets. But as I have been reconnecting with my feelings, some of those memories have come up again because I needed to process them.  But the majority are still gone and I am ok with that. My body did it to protect me and I survived.

I used to be a walking zombie, completely disconnected from my feelings for years and living in a fantasy world.

When I first started to feel my feeling again it was really scary, and difficult. Most of the feelings at the top were painful ones and hard to experience. But as I go through them, and let them go, there is more room for the positive feelings to surface.

I couldn't do any of this had I not gone LC and learned MC
It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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Hazy111

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Re: Memory Loss---Do you guys get it too?
« Reply #39 on: January 06, 2018, 03:40:14 PM »
It's one of the reasons so many traumatized artists and authors have such rich creative lives...they live in their heads.

 :yeahthat:    Yes this is so very common, the tortured artist, it isnt a cliche.

 Ive been reading about David Bowie "Upping your Ziggy" by Oliver James and his unstable mother and traumatic childhood (his brother eventually committed suicide)