"You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"

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LittleStar

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"You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« on: January 02, 2018, 10:46:14 PM »
I'm currently NC with my uNPDm for 2 months now and before that I was LC for a year (feel free to read my intro in the mat or my unsent letter).

It hasn't been an easy road and from time to time I have to remind myself not to feel guilty. Got a message from a flying monkey yesterday but I didn't crumble...

Yesterday, I also came across this article https://womboflight.com/you-dont-owe-your-mother-for-your-life and it was a helpful reminder and I want to share with you all.

This article serves as reminder that children don't owe their mother, something I have learnt otherwise while growing up. I could relate to this article as I'm getting Out of the FOG and unlearning my uNPDm teachings throughout my life until I decided to break the cycle.

Here's the takeaway from the article:

"Points to contemplate for recovering from co-dependency with your mother:
- Your mother is a grown adult who is responsible for her own choices and wellbeing.
- Our job as daughters does not include protecting your mother from her own choices or experiences. That is her job to work through all that.
- Trust your gut. If you feel like your boundaries are being crossed, say something.
- You are not depriving your mother when you take care of yourself.
- Adults cannot be abandoned. Only children can be abandoned. You cannot abandon another adult.
- Your mother's feelings in response to your choices, boundaries are hers to manage. Not your business.
- Your mother's needs are not more important than yours.
- You can have compassion for your mother's journey AND have firm boundaries with her. "


Hope it can be helpful   :bigwink:
« Last Edit: January 02, 2018, 10:55:27 PM by LittleStar »
"Awareness is the first step in healing." - Dean Ornish

Unsent letter http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=70583.0

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SelfRedefined

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Re: "You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2018, 03:35:18 AM »
I don't post much, but this link was very helpful to me today, thank you! Iíve been working on this idea for a while and combined with a Personal Bill of Rights, is very encouraging that Iím on the right track. This viewpoint that taking the steps toward being an individual is FOR a healthier me, not AGAINST another person helps me when the FOG tries to roll in, both with my parents and my previously co-dependent relationship with BPD sib.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: "You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2018, 05:47:30 AM »
That is helpful. Thank you for sharing.

Something which helps me recently when they try and make the NC into my problem is in my head, give that back to them. It is their problem if they have driven away their daughter and make no attempt to understand or resolve the issues which led to that, and continue to act in the same way (hoovers, FMs and dumping their stuff on me in birthday cards




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raindrop

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Re: "You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2018, 08:47:42 AM »
 :yeahthat:
So true Orangeblossom! If our parents have actively driven us away, and then not chosen to deal with the issues, that is their problem not ours.

Great article, thank you for posting LittleStar. And what a great website!
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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illogical

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Re: "You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2018, 01:43:59 PM »
Outstanding article!  Thanks so much for posting it, LittleStar.
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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stasia

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Re: "You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2018, 01:48:22 PM »
This article made me cry with relief and is the first thing I've read in a while that honestly made me feel, if just for a moment, that I'm not a terrible person and I'm not doing anything wrong by living my life. I consider myself a feminist and putting things in terms of patriarchy and society's expectations of women was very helpful to me. Thank you.

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4mya

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Re: "You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2018, 02:17:48 PM »
 Love this article. Thank you.  :)

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Laurel90

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Re: "You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2018, 04:33:13 AM »
What a great post LittleStar, I'm so glad to have found this forum. I felt so alone before I found this website and reading posts like this make me feel so much stronger. I can't believe how much this rings true with me and I'm sure a lot of people.

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Libby 12

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Re: "You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2018, 06:59:50 AM »
This was a very interesting post.  It fits very neatly with the feeling that, whilst we are abused by our mothers,  we are also being abused by society.   'Society' tells us  that we owe our parents ; all mothers love their children ; parents are entitled to control their children etc. 

The points made in the post are all excellent,  and would be,  I think, really helpful to a lot of mothers and daughters struggling with their relationship.   It would help them to take a step back, see that there were societal pressures at play, and that their problems were not entirely personal.

However,  I just don't think that that applies to our pd mothers.  I know that my nm suffered in her childhood as her mother was very depressed, due to being married to someone who wasn't the love
of her life.  I tried so hard to explain to nm that we were both very damaged people.   Damaged by 'society', our up-bringings, our genes.  I felt this was a compassionate approach where no-one was to blame.  She was disgusted with my suggestion.  How dare I say she was damaged!  She was perfect!  Her only fault was being too good a mother and this was followed up by a very lengthy list of my faults, which started from my birth,  when I just didn't love her enough.  For her, all subsequent events were understandable in view of this flaw on my part.  All of the physical and emotional abuse was only what I deserved. There was just no scope for any understanding, because of her npd.

I really do feel abused by society.  After all, enabling father,  sister and, I presume,  all other family and friends, have sided with her.  I am pretty sure that they all know that there is something very "off" about her, but they can not or will not face up to it.

After a few difficult years, I am very content with our absolute NC.  There was just no other option. I do, however,  have an excellent relationship with my grown up daughter.   I do not consider that she owes me anything.  She understands my history and everything we have between us is because we like and love each other,  without obligation. She is not here to make me feel better,  but she does, because we have worked out a relationship where we both matter. It's not always perfect,  but we accept each other as individuals.  That was never going to happen with nm. Too entitled! So I now just look to the future. 

My nm pressured me so much to have children.  My own dd doesn't think she wants children.  So maybe our family "mother wound" will come to an end, and I certainly don't think this will be a bad thing.

Best wishes to everyone dealing with this pain. For me,  anyone here is doing the right thing to help heal future generations.

Libby


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LittleStar

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Re: "You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2018, 10:42:32 PM »
Thank you all for the comments. I'm glad that article was helpful. We are not alone. Sending strength to you all.  :bighug:
"Awareness is the first step in healing." - Dean Ornish

Unsent letter http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=70583.0

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all4peace

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Re: "You Don't "Owe" Your Mother for Your Life"
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2018, 12:42:24 AM »
What an important and timely (for me) article!