I'm being disinherited

  • 36 Replies
  • 4094 Views
*

Mintstripes

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 808
I'm being disinherited
« on: January 25, 2018, 11:13:44 PM »
I heard through the grapevine that my narc PD abusive FOO is cutting me out of the will and want everything to be given to my GC narc sibling.
Ha! Hilarious that they think I would even care. I don't want anything from them.

By the way, for those of you who aren't in the S&D section of the board, I just left my PD STBX last week and filed for divorce after years of emotional + abuse. I couldn't care less about my narc parents stupid will!

Anyone else been disinherited by toxic PD parents? It's like the final control tool, they want to punish and control us even after death. I'm so glad I went NC.

*

Spirit Girl

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2018, 11:48:12 PM »
Gosh my heart is hurting for you, you've been through so much -- and now this?! I feel like swearing! I just don't understand - using their will to hurt people - unimaginable. It's SO sick.

Yes it is happening to me too: one under the guise of 'there's no money' (not true), and the other will be as a means of punishment. The only thing that saves me from pain is becoming educated with this PD stuff, OOTF and a lot of reading on finding peacefulness within.

Peace to you my friend, kindness to you always.

*

Mintstripes

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 808
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2018, 02:53:24 AM »
Gosh my heart is hurting for you, you've been through so much -- and now this?! I feel like swearing! I just don't understand - using their will to hurt people - unimaginable. It's SO sick.

Yes it is happening to me too: one under the guise of 'there's no money' (not true), and the other will be as a means of punishment. The only thing that saves me from pain is becoming educated with this PD stuff, OOTF and a lot of reading on finding peacefulness within.

Peace to you my friend, kindness to you always.

Thanks, Spirit! I'm so sorry you are dealing with similar issues. It really never ceases to amaze me how these toxic people are so intent on punishing the family scapegoat by any means possible. I don't put anything past them.
I always knew I was the undesirable one in the family and that my GC bro would get everything. I knew it was only a matter of time. What I didn't know though, was that it would coincide with me fleeing to a DV shelter and filing for divorce. To be cliche for a second: when it rains it pours.  :blink:

I feel like those of us who are survivors have developed such fortresses around our hearts and selves that eventually, whatever these people do to us doesn't even make a dent. I used to be upset for days over the manipulative voice messages or emails from my FOO... now I just scan them for any extra crazy then archive so I can't see them (just save in case I need evidence lol). Same goes for recent  nasty communications from my STBX. I can't control what they do, I have to focus on being the best mom for my DD and just try my best to get through all the assorted steps of rebuilding my life
 
I was raised to believe that nothing I did was ever good enough and I ended up with a husband like that, too. Now, I can stand before you today and say that I don't internalize any if those messages anymore. It's good to be free  :)

PS: I'm really happy to hear that this website is helping you. Most people don't understand. Heck, even most therapists don't understand. This is such a great online community and I'm glad the server issue was finally dealt with!
« Last Edit: January 26, 2018, 02:56:45 AM by Mintstripes »

*

Spirit Girl

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2018, 10:23:30 AM »
" it would coincide with me fleeing to a DV shelter and filing for divorce."

I just had a lightbulb moment reading that. It feels like a major turning point for you, in a positive way. Look at all the strength, courage and positive decisions you've made. Wow! The future is bright!



*

Mintstripes

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 808
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2018, 11:27:27 AM »
Spirit, I totally agree! All the poison is being drained at once! And I'm becoming healthier because of it.

*

Jennyoo7

  • Guest
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2018, 03:56:59 PM »
I don't mean to come off judgingly by this question so please don't take any offence. What does taking you out of the will mean to you? Like when my mom informed me over a cold text about my grandmother's passing, to me it felt like there really was no core love. Does taking you out of the will feel the same? It's hard to speculate what their intentions are. I would never take my kids out of my will so I can't even imagine why someone would do that. If it was to punish you, do you think they purposely put it out in the grape vine specifically for you to hear? I'm with you, I wouldn't want any inheritance but my reason is that id be stuck in a room with my siblings while the will was read.

*

Mintstripes

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 808
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2018, 07:20:45 PM »
I don't mean to come off judgingly by this question so please don't take any offence. What does taking you out of the will mean to you? Like when my mom informed me over a cold text about my grandmother's passing, to me it felt like there really was no core love. Does taking you out of the will feel the same? It's hard to speculate what their intentions are. I would never take my kids out of my will so I can't even imagine why someone would do that. If it was to punish you, do you think they purposely put it out in the grape vine specifically for you to hear? I'm with you, I wouldn't want any inheritance but my reason is that id be stuck in a room with my siblings while the will was read.

I think it's a combination of lack of any actual love like you said, as well as a solidifying of sorts of what I always knew: that I was never really part of the family. I was always the scapegoat, constantly felt ganged up on and felt like I didn't belong.
Hope my GC sib has a nice life with their big house and other assets!

*

Gaining Clarity

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 284
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2018, 08:27:33 PM »
Wow, Mint! You are strong! Your daughter has an amazing role model of courage.

I'm in same boat as you as far as being SG, ganged up on and always on the outside of the family. I finally had enough and for the sake of my adult DS wanted to extricate us (including my DH) from it. I don't want that dysfunction trickling down to my son and any future children he might have. Trying to break the cycle of multiple generations of FOO having these problems and dynamics.

I recently went NC and wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if I'm disinherited too. I feel as you do. I'd rather be poor but happy than be a rich and have to deal with FOO.

Just to add my two cents regarding Jennyoo7's question: In addition to one final blow, I think disinheriting is also flexing their control muscle (in my family's case anyway). Any means they can use to exert or exhibit their "perceived"control over everything and everyone are employed.

Wishing you peace and happiness on your journey.

*

daughter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 4509
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2018, 11:40:20 AM »
My NBM and NF began "disinheriting" me even while I was still the "good girl/dutiful daughter", their SG daughter, my parents blatantly favoring my only sibling, GC "princess" nsis, my NBM's BFF "mini-me".  It wasn't pretty, this FOO Family dynamic.  I experienced a lot of open hostility, my NBM's disdain and disrespect, enabled and empowered by my enNF's disinterest in intervening to protect me from my malevolent mother.  That "disinheritance process" began in secret.  Even when I found out about it, via NF's casual disclosure, I still remained otherwise fully compliant and obedient for several more years, before I finally hit my "tipping-point".  My NC began in my mid-50s, my parents in their late 70s.  Post-NC decision, registered letters from my wealthy parents' attorney confirm further disinheritance actions.  I've been compelled to sign quit-claim deeds relinquishing my ownership interests in FOO properties.  My children's own promised legacies have been excised, and my NBM has told my oldest college-aged DS "tell your mom I've removed her from my will".  So be it.  My wealthy parents have confirmed their awfulness, over and over again, in these post-NC years.

Not to deal with my parents, to have freedom of No Contact, has been worth the price of not inheriting their significant wealth.  I was to be their primary eldercare caregiver, no more.  I was parentified even as a young child, trained to be fully responsible for "keeping mom happy" and to serve as emotional punching-bag for both of them, no more.  My GC nsis should "earn" her inheritance. 
« Last Edit: January 27, 2018, 11:48:03 AM by daughter »

*

Danden

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 144
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2018, 04:01:22 PM »
"I feel like those of us who are survivors have developed such fortresses around our hearts and selves that eventually, whatever these people do to us doesn't even make a dent. "

I like what you said and how you put it.  I used to think of it in terms of a bad thing that I didn't get close to people.  But the way you put it it means we are strong to build these walls and defend them, and thereby protect ourselves. 

My M disinherited me 4 years ago and recently (this week) I was beset by a relative who was trying to convince me to reconcile with her because she has recently been in the hospital (she is 81) and has visiting nurses going to her home for some unspecified ailment.  My relative implied to me that my M understands she was wrong to disinherit me and vaguely implied that she would be inclined to make it up to me somehow (how?).  But she told me clearly that this is only "if" I don't ask for anything from her and if I make the first move. I'm pretty sure my relative got these ideas from my passive-aggressive M.  There is nothing new in this approach as my M has played this before.  As for any (one-sided, from the wronged party  :stars:) reconciliation, not gonna happen.

*

MIB

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 181
  • I can influence others, but I can only change me.
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2018, 11:30:53 PM »
Me too. I was asked about 7 months ago in an angry phone call by my en,dPTSD father (40+ year spouse of uPDM), "do we have to disown you"?, to which I laughed incredulously (because my "crimes" of living a normal married life with two young children do not befit such a punishment IMHO) and replied, "um, I guess so". Since then, it's been NC with my mom (aside from some bat-S*&t crazy late night texts from her - including one "accidentally" sent to me where she said they had "gone to their lawyer" -  which led me to block their number) and VVLC with my dad (last meeting was in a Ts office before Christmas, and it did not go well).

While I think it is shameful of them to disinherit me (especially since I'm an only child and they really don't have any close family members to speak of because the crazy either drives them away or keeps them at *very* superficial arms length), it reinforces what a couple of A-Hs they are. And that makes what is now NC seem so much better. If they disown their only child  (and only young grandchildren) for what are really petty perceived slights, then let them grow old and alone -by their doing. And one of them dies, that frees me of the responsibility to help - by their choice. It does a lot to remove any residual guilt (not that I have much at all under the circumstances).

I look at it as the price of freedom. And thankfully the unstable, hostile, volatile "home" that they raised me in taught me that I had to be financially independent so I never, ever, EVER had to move back home or depend on them financially (ever.....did I say ever? LOL). It's making lemons out of lemonade, but better lemonade than nothing at all I suppose  ;)

*

daughter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 4509
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2018, 11:30:13 AM »
"Disinheritance" exposes the dysfunctional (read: irrational) belief systems of our npd-enmeshed parents:  they feel righteously entitled to "punish us", via said disinheritance (whether just talk or actual legal action), to force us back into their indefensible notion that we're OBLIGATED to them, that they get our 1st priority attention, and our absolute compliance, obedience, and fealty, no matter what.

They fail to realize that draconian "punishment", such as "disinheritance", causes relationship crisis to deepen, and further validates our NC decision (if already made), or make NC a more palatable choice.  I know that my NC decision was easier because my malevolent NBM had already begun my furtive disinheritance, had already gifted their very expensive vacation home to nsis.  Given that I received no positive emotional reinforcement for maintaining my relationship with my unpleasant and often punitive parents, losing the financial incentive (inheritance) was the proverbial "nail in the coffin".  That expressed "parental disfavor" can't be surmounted.
   
The weird thing here is their total denial of "issues".  To quote my enNF:  "you've no right to have issues".  Okay, Dad, so let's see how NC works-out.

Our parents only see "disobedience".  They give no regard to their inappropriate demands and expectations, or their blatantly bad and often quite hurtful behavior towards us.  They extend no genuine effort towards reconciliation, beyond aggressive hoovering, just anger and vengeance .  They refuse to acknowledge that our relationship is obviously dysfunctional, that we're so upset that we've disengaged from them to some degree.   I've never received an apology from my parents, whether ham-fisted expressed or non-verbally implied, for the many instances of obvious bad behavior and blatant violations of conventional boundaries between parent and adult-child.  They are "mind-blind" to my bare-minimum needs.  My parents were consistently awful towards me (but not my GC nsis).  I was their grossly- parentified and blatantly disfavored SG, their former "good girl/dutiful daughter" who finally "went NC" as a last-ditch effort of self-rescue.  And yes, they still tell my oldest DS that they're baffled by our estrangement, that "they've done nothing wrong", that I'm "crazy" and "mean to old people", still in full denial-mode, still hoovering me via my oldest DS, their occasional FM.

It's supreme self-entitlement that drives them, with a curious absence of any empathy or sincere intention to "make things right".  There's that constant leit-motif of our npd-parents' thinking:  You do what I want you to do, how I want it, when I want it, without comment, without regard to your own opinions, otherwise consequences are harsh.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2018, 12:09:57 PM by daughter »

*

Starboard Song

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 2691
  • Be good. Be strong.
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2018, 03:13:37 PM »
That is always terrible news: a confirmation of how ugly it has all become, and how lost a once wonderful relationship is. My wife and I went NC with one set of parents two years ago.

But I'm a minority here: I feel like, however justified, going NC is fighting words. It is us saying that we are no longer discussing this relationship, investing in it, trusting or nurturing it. And I think it is not punishment or even remarkable that those on the business end of our NC decision would disinherit us.

I know the pain of going NC, and I know the pain that leads some of us to it.

But I am convinced that to be our best selves and not poisoned by the experience, we must understand that we stopped talking (good for us!), and after that everything is different. I try very hard to wish for our NPDs a life of joy, and an ability to come to peace with what has happened between us. And when they die, I expect nothing more from them than I want from them today.


Be strong! Be good! Good luck!
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

*

all4peace

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8013
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #13 on: January 31, 2018, 03:27:41 PM »
Lots of people on this forum have been disinherited. I fully expect to be, as well as DH in his family. We now joke about how much $$$ my mouth may have cost us. And we don't want a single penny from anyone who has been harmful to us.

It's ironic. I would guess that those who care about money would do what it takes to stay connected to their PD parents. Those of us who don't care, won't. So those who end up disinherited are probably those who never cared about the money anyway.

*

zephyrblue

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 264
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2018, 03:49:43 PM »
I am probably disinherited by enPD?mom but don't know for sure and am not going to ask.

Here's the last few years in a nutshell:  enPD?sis and unemployed BIL had financial problem and were enmeshed with uPDfather and enPD?mom.  uPDfather died.  enPD?mom went full waif, so sis and I ran to the rescue to help her deal with paperwork.  (uPDfather had handled all of that stuff previously.)  In the process we discovered that they'd squirreled away a decent amount of money.  We also were going to help enPDmom fix up the house, which miserly uPDfather had let fall into disrepair.

enPDmom started sabotaging my and sis's efforts to help.  I confronted enPDmom, she denied and waifed, and I bowed out.  enSis continued "helping," which really meant taking over while complaining to me.  I suggested to enSis to let enPDmom suffer the consequences of her actions.  That didn't go over well.  I went VLC.  In the ensuing months enSis got the house signed over to her, got enPDmom to pay for renovations for sis's house so they could sell it and move in with enPDmom, and renovate/repair enPDmom's house.  enPDmom tried repeatedly to draw me back in.  It didn't work for the most part. 

Shortly after uPDfather's death enPDmom made a big stink over redoing her will.  She sent me a copy.  (I didn't ask for one.  Said it was her business and to do what she wanted.)  The will said that everything was to be divided equally between enSis and me.  It was super vague and basically pitting us against each other.  I tried to forget about it.

About a year ago there was some drama from enPDmom and enSis over power of attorney, which initially enPDmom had given to enSis and me.  enSis told me to relinquish it because I was VVVLC.  I decided to since I knew through my own research that enPDmom's lawyer made sure that she has lifetime rights to live in her house, so at least she has that.  They don't know that I know that the house belongs to enSis.  I don't intend to ever bring it up. 

Anyway, enPDmom joined the drama over the power of attorney and her will, asking me what I wanted to inherit.  It was really weird and icky.  On the phone--she'd put me on speakerphone with enSis!--I told her that it's her estate and she can do whatever she sees fit with it. She kept trying to get me to ask specifically for something.  She also was making it really hard with paperwork for the PoA.  I repeated myself once more about the will and said I'd email her lawyer directly saying I relinquish any and all PoA and so can do what she wants with her will.  enPDmom ended the conversation shortly after that.  I haven't heard a peep from them since.

So, yeah.  I'm no longer of use, so chances are I've been disinherited.  That's assuming enSis hasn't run through all the money anyway.  Sheesh!

*

Peace Lily

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 295
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #15 on: January 31, 2018, 04:34:47 PM »
So many people have been disinherited on this forum. It's quite a revelation. I was disinherited by my parents years ago and I think I am over it (although have been thinking about it a lot on my recent journey Out of the FOG). Theee were no FMs, it wa done to my face, very dramatically when my Mum picked up her will and tore it to shreds in front of me. To my mind it was a punishment for not handing over my and my sister's inheritance from our grandfather (she felt entitled to it). I was GC and had always been a good girl (mostly) - it was a total shock along with 7 years silent treatment from her which was also part of the punishment. It destroyed any hope of ever having a close relationship with my parents.  I am thankful now in a way, as I feel I have a reasonable amount of detachment because of what happened back then. It was so painful at the time (unfortunately no forum back then - the internet didn't even exist!) My heart goes out to all of you who are going through this currently  :bighug:
"It is not the the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind". Aisha Mirza

*

Groundhog Day

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 146
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #16 on: January 31, 2018, 10:23:28 PM »
My siblings and myself were all removed from my BPDm's will over a year ago. We didn' t really care about the money because she uses it to manipulate people or spend it on lawyers to defend her verbal threats against others. By the time she dies, there will be nothing left as she is vindictive.

As I mentioned in previous post, it's not about the money, it's about the betrayal of a mother, the coniving ways to use her children as puppets and play them against each other thinking by dangling the carrot we will betray each other. Was she ever wrong, we sibblings stuck together and all went NC with her. She even tried to get our children involved! That backfired too! Now none of them will talk to her. She had it all and because of her words and actions, she lost all of us.

I sometimes feel sad for her because I am enriched with my children and grand children and she is by herself, lonely and bitter. But like I've told her before, she made her choices in not opting for therapy, so now I make my choices. And my choice is NC.

*

chowder

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 118
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #17 on: February 02, 2018, 06:15:01 AM »
I was disinherited by my mom (dad just went along meekly) who used punishment as a tool her whole life.  She had three sisters, and there was never a time when all four of them got along.  One was always punishing the other, one was always on the outs, two would gang up on a third, etc.   She was very manipulative her whole life.  She would put my dad up to certain things, and I would call them both out on it.  I would see right through her tactics.  She could not push me around, so she would strike out at me the only way she knew how, rather than dealing with things face-to-face as an adult.  She also drove a wedge between sister and me our whole lives, and we have never had a relationship.    When I got married, PDmom started knocking my husband, so I went NC.  Dad just sat by and did nothing. 
So she willed everything to my PD sister, which was a mistake, who was in charge of the estate and all the arrangements when they passed.  There were no thank you notes sent after their funerals.  To this day, over 20 years later, my dad's name is still not on his gravestone.  This bothered me for a bit, and I tried to see what I could do.  The cemetery office said I had to have the deed in order to do anything, and of course PD sister has that.  I finally came to terms with it, feeling that Hey, you put her in charge, this is what you get.  I tried to do the right thing, but this was your choice.  (They should have known, I was always the only one there for them when there were hospitalizations, times of need, etc.)
But it's okay.  I'm so over it.  It's more about them than it is me.  Hubby and I joke about our "inheritances."  His folks gave away their money to his brother whom they saw as more needy, when in fact his money went out the window as quickly as it came in.  In fact, it cost us money out of pocket to bury his folks (and eventually the brother). 
You've got a lot of life to live.  This is just a blip on the screen, and it's up to you on how rich you will be in the other areas of your life that really count.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2018, 06:23:29 AM by chowder »

*

Spirit Girl

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #18 on: February 02, 2018, 03:25:44 PM »
it was done to my face, very dramatically when my Mum picked up her will and tore it to shreds in front of me.

Gee Peace Lily this really got to me. Many of us have been disinherited by sly means, but what happened to you is so so SO visibly cruel. She must have been in a rage. Can you imagine if your friends, people who really care about you witnessed this? I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Big hugs to all of us. We're stronger than we think. Thank goodness for OOTF to lean on.

*

DM178

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 71
Re: I'm being disinherited
« Reply #19 on: February 03, 2018, 03:16:40 PM »
Hello MintStripes;

Thank you for sharing your (painful) situation with the dis-inheritance....as many others on this strand have shared, several of us are / have experienced the same.

It's an odd and difficult reality to get our heads and hearts around...parents that are so dysfunctional that they would manipulate those around them with their money and real estate...as I typed that, it occurred to me that gosh this should not be surprising...they are so withholding with everything else (love, affection, attention, kindness), I guess it makes sense that they would withhold their finances too...

I got no financial support growing up...parents doled it out on their favorite children...funny, how most of these are the the ones that are still attached to the dysfunctional hip of parents...waiting for the pay out. I know I should expect nothing...but at times it does feel odd and/or painful to realize that I was cut out...and this was when I was in "their good graces" several years ago!

Thanks again for sharing, and hope you find much comfort and support from this amazing forum and group of wonderfully kind individuals!
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor Frankl