I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.

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Riggo199

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I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« on: January 30, 2018, 06:17:04 PM »
  I find it hard to get close to people.  Other than my husband, which I adore..I am not close to a lot of people.  Due to my upbringing (NPDmom, schizophrenic sister, Co-dependant father), getting close to people seems to take a lot of work.  I always nervous the friendship will "go away". This year, after going NC with my family I have been working really, really hard on not hating myself anymore.  I feel crippled when it comes to friendships.  Does that make sense?

My old friendships (now that I can see more clearly) were the exact relationship I had with my Mother....me doing all the work and receiving nothing in return (emotionally).  Since I have been spending a ton of time alone (reading about abuse, researching on healing), I realize that I don't have any close friends.  I  just don't know HOW to have close friendships.  I just recently retired and am feeling a bit stuck.  I find it easier just to be alone: less drama, and I don't have to deal with anyones expectations.  I do go to my yoga studio and take knitting classes (I just retired), but at am a loss as to HOW to find friends.  I am sorry to ramble, and thank you if you got this far.  I just feel so BROKEN/DAMAGED.  Has anyone gone through this before?
« Last Edit: January 30, 2018, 06:22:47 PM by Riggo199 »

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Obliviot

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2018, 10:34:13 AM »
No advice but I can share my experience.  I've moved to different states every 3ish years to pursue job opportunities, and as such in my late 20s I had zero local friends, just a few from where I grew up and went to school but didn't really talk to them often either.  I started making a concerted effort to connect to people, like using Meetup to find groups of people with similar interests, and going to therapy to work on how I can have better relationships with people in general.  I failed miserably, every single friend or potential friend I met was just using me, and I was more than happy to contribute to the relationships while getting nothing in return.  With time I realized that I'm quite happy alone if the alternative is death of a thousand cuts from fake people who are only in it for themselves.  That said, remember at that time I was in my 20s and 30s, so your peer group might have a different mix of people who are more genuine. 

When I moved to the state where I currently reside, I gave up the friend search.  I've had a few friendships develop organically, but we're not close, and yes every one of them is so self-interested I don't really enjoy their company.  I tried volunteering and had multiple bad experiences there with ladies who clearly felt very territorial about their turf in the volunteer programs so I stopped that too.  I keep all my neighbors at arms-length because I've been burned by neighbor "friends" too.  I'm just tired of putting myself out there only to be scorned, judged, or taken advantage of.  Dating is completely off the table, I'd rather die a spinster than let someone through that door again. 

Sometimes it makes me sad and angry that all I want to do is meet someone who can just chill and play a game of Troke or something, but then I realize my life has many blessings and I should focus on enjoying them myself and not worrying that I don't have anyone to share them with.  So the bitter irony of this story is that because I've been so badly treated by self-interested people, I'm one of them now in a sense.  I just can't bring myself to engage or pretend to want to engage anymore. 

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SonofThunder

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2018, 11:12:19 AM »
  I find it hard to get close to people.  Other than my husband, which I adore..I am not close to a lot of people.  Due to my upbringing (NPDmom, schizophrenic sister, Co-dependant father), getting close to people seems to take a lot of work.  I always nervous the friendship will "go away". This year, after going NC with my family I have been working really, really hard on not hating myself anymore.  I feel crippled when it comes to friendships.  Does that make sense?

My old friendships (now that I can see more clearly) were the exact relationship I had with my Mother....me doing all the work and receiving nothing in return (emotionally).  Since I have been spending a ton of time alone (reading about abuse, researching on healing), I realize that I don't have any close friends.  I  just don't know HOW to have close friendships.  I just recently retired and am feeling a bit stuck.  I find it easier just to be alone: less drama, and I don't have to deal with anyones expectations.  I do go to my yoga studio and take knitting classes (I just retired), but at am a loss as to HOW to find friends.  I am sorry to ramble, and thank you if you got this far.  I just feel so BROKEN/DAMAGED.  Has anyone gone through this before?

Hi Riggo199,

I’m sorry you are feeling broken and damaged.  I absolutely love being alone and the ease and comfort of solitude, lack of drama and ability to think clearly that comes with it.  I feel solitude and loneliness are two very different things and a person can be lonely in the midst of a crowd. But solitude requires one to get by themselves and may or may not include loneliness.  I feel solitude is a healthy thing for everyone to practice. 

You don’t sound broken to me at all.  I don’t read ‘hermit’ in your words, as you are married and participating in two types of classes (Good for you and both sound great for mind and body!).  I don’t read ‘antisocial’ in your writing as a class can’t be a class with only one person  ;).

I do read that you’ve been around a lot of PD’s and other mental instabilities in your life and are being proactive in removing them from their affect on you. Good for you and you share that goal with many here on the forum!  You are also doing a lot of constructive reading and it sounds as if you are proactive also on loving yourself and I highly commend you for that! 

Lastly, you decided to join a very social and talkative group of folks here who are learning to deal with the same type of people in their lives that you are, so you fit in very well and are engaged in conversations here.  Again, you sound unbroken to me. 

I also want to add that I don’t take ‘friendship’ lightly. As you know well from the PD’s in your life, it takes a while to really ‘know’ someone and what you get from a person initially can be a facade that is hiding the real person behind the cover.  My uPDw tries to remind me how many friends she has vs me, but I’m simply a very picky person having grown up with a uNPDf and married decades to a uPDw, so my friends develop over a VERY LONG time and I have very-very few who have consistently proven to be a person I would call a close friend I could trust some things with, and I still don’t open up fully to anyone.  I like to hold my cards close.

Acquaintances, I have many;  Friends no.  Being that you are in classes where folks share a similar hobby, maybe over time as the facades open up to reveal deeper personality traits in your classmates, you will begin to see one or a couple people who may display stable, kind, loving qualities and since you have similar interests, could possibly slowly gravitate toward them for smaller additions of getting to know them a bit more.  Time is great thing and I use it wisely to finely sift out the good and bad in people. 

Maybe then, when you see some people of similar qualities and interests as yourself, you could start out slowly with a very public informal ‘hang-out’ with them such as an after-class coffee or tea at a coffee/tea shop or something similar.

Again, I’m sorry you feel broken, but I simply read  ‘experienced and therefore safely and smartly cautious’.  Cheers! SoT. 
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2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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LightOrb

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2018, 11:50:39 AM »
I am another who is alone. Mostly due to circumstances out of my control. When I was living with my PD parents, my uBPD M didn't want to let m have friends. I could never go to their homes because she was afraid their parents were going to let us out on the streets without supervision. I always lived far away from my friends, so they didn't want to go to my place. And in my place there never was anything we could use to have fun. I remember the time when VHS were extremely important, everybody was renting movies and gathering to watch them, and my parents opposed to get one on purpose, on vague arguments. It wasn't that we couldn't. It was something on 'principle'. So I never got all the social tools to get to know people.

Then I moved to another country following my ex. I was an academic trailing wife, and in our life we live in 4 years cycles. After 4 years we all move. So while I keep some friendships from those times and places, they are in another continents, with other obligations and time zones.

After my ex cheated on me, I lost all my friends from the past. Some of them were Switzerland, not wanting to take sides  :stars:. Others pretended I should only look to the future and move on, and didn't want to talk at all about Me. Others were not as close as to tell them all the sordid details and when I tried to open up a little, they would go into cheater apologist mode, telling me that 'people change' (spoiler alert: no, they don't).

I am going now to Meetups trying to get to know new people. My first try, though, was a disaster. I met a woman who seemed to understand me. She was also divorced and her ex was also a cheater. But one day when I was particularly afraid -she knew I was alone, and that my FOO was not useful- she scolded me with fury, like I was a 3 years old, and told me I was being childish in my reactions to my ex who can't be bothered to do anything for our divorce. She claimed that 'adult people know how to ask for stuff and trust that other adults will respond appropriately'. She obviously didn't know about PD people.

The end result is that I am now alone. Alone as in 'I need to have a medical test done and there is nobody I can ask to take me home afterward (I would be under twilight anesthesia)'. I am not particularly stressed over being alone, but it freaks me out to think I will be one of those people devoured by their pets. No that I object my pet doing that in the absence of food, but I wonder if not being able to form relationships is a signal of my brokenness. And I am very tired of feeling broken all the time.

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Obliviot

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2018, 01:12:15 PM »
LightOrb, to say, 'adult people know how to ask for stuff and trust that other adults will respond appropriately' is so cruel!  Sorry you experienced that.  Once I made an official complaint about a psychiatrist who I went to once at the recommendation of my counselor to evaluate using antidepressants for my depression.  This guy showed up late for the appointment and was super arrogant.  I'm explaining I have a personal and family history of depression and going through a really tough time with my divorce from my abusive ex, and he looks me in the eye and says with total dismissiveness, "What's the big deal, its just filling out some forms."  That was like being kicked while I was down, so I can relate to how it felt to hear a comment like the one in your post. 

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all4peace

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2018, 01:22:28 PM »
I think with time you may find yourself moving towards some people, or they towards you. Do you feel like your PD-radar is in good operating condition? I've developed 1 new friendship while coming OOTF, and it became a "social experiment" for me. What I mean is that I tried out my new assertiveness, I worked hard to let this friend "care" for me as I cared for her, I tried out clearly and assertively speaking boundaries, and I took her responses as information about HER and not about whether I was good/bad, right/wrong.

This friendship is restoring my trust and faith, as over these 2 years she has consistently given as much as she has received (even while fighting cancer), has 100% respected my boundaries, has accepted my broken parental/IL relationships as inevitable when she has seen how they have treated me/my family.

Sometimes I felt some terrible fear (when our texting frequency changed post-cancer, for example), but I made myself sit with the discomfort and wait it out, and it turns out that healthy relationships can change and flux without it meaning that I'm being rejected.

I didn't mean to make this all about me, but my point is that you can learn and grow WHILE developing a new friendship. It might hurt, but it truly isn't the end of the world if you start to discover the other person isn't as healthy as you would wish. If you go slowly, you won't have invested too much anyway. And if they turn out to be one of the many lovely trustworthy people on this planet, then your life may just become a little richer.

I also love solitude. Great big chunks of it. I love my own company, books, music, crafts. But I also love sharing the joys and beauties of life with other people who are genuine, loving, honest and kind. And there's no way for me to do that without taking the time, energy and risk of finding them. Really, though, I have found that when you open your heart, many of these people will find you. Truly.

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Riggo199

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2018, 02:14:04 PM »
Thank you, everyone, for responding to my email!  It means so much to me.  It is so nice (finally) to be able to connect with others that have gone through similar experiences.

Obliviot:  thank you for sharing your experience.  It was very helpful.  I think I am where you are at now.  I am just "tired" of trying to make friends.  I seem to be a magnet for narcissistic people. 

SonofThunder: oh my gosh, your email brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you x1000.  Everyone in my family is an extrovert...except me.  I was always told there was something wrong with me, or that I was feeling sorry for myself, when I chose to be alone.  I even went on a whole slew of medications to try and FIX my personality.  How crazy is that?  I am mad/ashamed that I didn't have any backbone!   I will re-read your posts many times as now I can see it's ok to go very slow with friendships (I never knew this---I probably came on too strong in the past).  I am retired due to a back injury and I think it has been the greatest gift ever because it forced me to slow down and gave me a lot of time to think/analyze and go inside myself to try and heal.

Lightorb:  I hope you are doing ok.  Thank you for posting.  I have watched a ton of youtube videos by Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, Sadhguru, etc.  Do you know any of these people?  They changed my life.  I took Sadhguru's, Inner Engineering online course and it was better than any counseling I have ever had.  One thing they all teach is that, people are put in your path to teach you lessons about yourself.  For example, if you keep running into toxic people...until you recognize and heal that part of you the pattern will continue.  I am now aware, very quickly, when someone is toxic and distance myself.  Before, I would gladly accept the friendship because I was so happy to be noticed/recognized/accepted.  Am I making sense? ha.  Anyway, I am so grateful for these videos.

All4peace:  Hi.  I am "getting there" with the PD issue.  I am still --in the back of my mind-- afraid of making people mad.  My Mom was a rager and I get triggered if people get upset.  Thanks for sharing your story.  I am so glad you found a good friend.  I believe there are no coincidences and people are put in your life for a reason.  Thanks for saying you love your solitude!!  Good, now I don't feel like something is wrong with me.  After my sister was dxd with schizophrenia, she isolated herself...due to her voices.  My parents said it was her illness that caused her to isolate because "normal people" don't like solitude.  So, there again, I thought I was not normal bc I LOVED solitude/nature/books/knitting. hahaha.   :stars:

Everyone: I hope I am not rambling.  I am not a writer.  I am so grateful to FINALLY be able to talk to people about all of this.

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all4peace

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2018, 03:24:57 PM »
The book "Quiet" is a great read on the joys and misunderstood aspects of being an introvert. You might enjoy it! It's tough being an introvert if we live in a culture that values extroversion. Plus, dealing with PDs can cause us to go into hiding to heal and avoid more pain. One is a choice, one is a reaction. Only you can figure out where you fit into that. Best wishes!

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Riggo199

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2018, 04:28:23 PM »
all4peace.  I will get the book.  Thanks!

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SonofThunder

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2018, 09:23:44 PM »
Thank you, everyone, for responding to my email!  It means so much to me.  It is so nice (finally) to be able to connect with others that have gone through similar experiences.

Obliviot:  thank you for sharing your experience.  It was very helpful.  I think I am where you are at now.  I am just "tired" of trying to make friends.  I seem to be a magnet for narcissistic people. 

SonofThunder: oh my gosh, your email brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you x1000.  Everyone in my family is an extrovert...except me.  I was always told there was something wrong with me, or that I was feeling sorry for myself, when I chose to be alone.  I even went on a whole slew of medications to try and FIX my personality.  How crazy is that?  I am mad/ashamed that I didn't have any backbone!   I will re-read your posts many times as now I can see it's ok to go very slow with friendships (I never knew this---I probably came on too strong in the past).  I am retired due to a back injury and I think it has been the greatest gift ever because it forced me to slow down and gave me a lot of time to think/analyze and go inside myself to try and heal.

Lightorb:  I hope you are doing ok.  Thank you for posting.  I have watched a ton of youtube videos by Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, Sadhguru, etc.  Do you know any of these people?  They changed my life.  I took Sadhguru's, Inner Engineering online course and it was better than any counseling I have ever had.  One thing they all teach is that, people are put in your path to teach you lessons about yourself.  For example, if you keep running into toxic people...until you recognize and heal that part of you the pattern will continue.  I am now aware, very quickly, when someone is toxic and distance myself.  Before, I would gladly accept the friendship because I was so happy to be noticed/recognized/accepted.  Am I making sense? ha.  Anyway, I am so grateful for these videos.

All4peace:  Hi.  I am "getting there" with the PD issue.  I am still --in the back of my mind-- afraid of making people mad.  My Mom was a rager and I get triggered if people get upset.  Thanks for sharing your story.  I am so glad you found a good friend.  I believe there are no coincidences and people are put in your life for a reason.  Thanks for saying you love your solitude!!  Good, now I don't feel like something is wrong with me.  After my sister was dxd with schizophrenia, she isolated herself...due to her voices.  My parents said it was her illness that caused her to isolate because "normal people" don't like solitude.  So, there again, I thought I was not normal bc I LOVED solitude/nature/books/knitting. hahaha.   :stars:

Everyone: I hope I am not rambling.  I am not a writer.  I am so grateful to FINALLY be able to talk to people about all of this.

Riggo199,

Its always a joy to see when folks here realize they are not alone in their situations and feelings.  Im encouraged to potentially read, over the necessary time, how things are going in your classes and potential growing interactions with others there. 

For me, i accept that a very high majority of people i meet in lifes paths will just be acquaintances and passer-by’s and i dont ever probe further for more than that from anyone.  My very few close friends were folks i didnt need to probe further with or work proactively on to develop a friendship, as those relationships just grew slowly like moss over time with steady natural interactions and developed on their own.  Its also always interesting how negative things, like a back injury, turn into blessings and very insightful of you to recognize it and the puposeful slowing down it caused.   Yes, steady and slow is always good, letting time work its magic on its own pace.

Hopefully you can simply discard any past labels and expectations that others have placed on you and go forward knowing that you are just great the way you are.   And enjoy the good and healthy mix you have going on of a spouse, classmates and your joy in solitude!  Sounds nice and properly balanced to me  :). Cheers!  SoT
« Last Edit: January 31, 2018, 09:27:54 PM by SonofThunder »
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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Riggo199

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2018, 01:39:42 AM »
Thank you SO MUCH, SonofThunder!!  Your words meant :) the world to me.   :)

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Malini

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2018, 06:58:49 AM »
RIggo199,

I'm a really outgoing person and can even be the life and soul of a party on a good day!

However, since going NC with my folks, like you, I found myself ending many of my longtime and close friendships because they mirrored my relationship with my parents, and not one of those, so called friends was willing to build a more healthy relationship with me. Losing all my FOO and most close friends meant that I only had a handful of people left. My phone hardly rang anymore. I reduced my work and my children left home and I felt lonely and like you, a bit broken because it was as if I'd retired from the world.

In today's world, we're supposed to be connected to people all the time, especially with social media. How stressful! And Facebook is such a nurturing ground for all things narcissistic that I run a mile in the other direction. I eschew all fabricated drama and avoid it like the plague. And as SonofThunder wrote, the friendships I have left grew organically and even when these (2)  friends go through difficult times, there is no added drama and fireworks, no expectation that I will 'set myself on fire to keep them warm' .

My family was so dramatic, my friends were always lurching from one emergency to another, my time was spent putting out fires left, right and centre and once I'd left that role, my days were calmer and quieter.

I think people like us are very wary of letting new people coming into our lives, rightly so because of what we've been through and the bad choices we made in the past. I thought I was lonely, I thought I needed to get out there and make new friends, until I realised that I am not lonely, I like my solitude, I like my peaceful hobbies and I need quiet and calm to recharge my batteries.

 For years I mistook the friendships I had for deep, meaningful connections, essential for my wellbeing. The process of coming OOTF left me feeling that family and friends are very overrated. Nowadays, the social interactions I have can be meaningful or can be fun and frivolous but they're no longer essential to my wellbeing and I feel no more pressure to get out and make friends.





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notrightinthehead

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2018, 07:50:28 AM »
I agree with Malini. I think it is an essential part of the healing to learn self-soothing and self-nurturing. Once we have learned that we are no longer so needy of others's support to confirm that we are worthy human beings.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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SonofThunder

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2018, 11:01:04 AM »
 :bigwink:
In today's world, we're supposed to be connected to people all the time, especially with social media. How stressful! And Facebook is such a nurturing ground for all things narcissistic that I run a mile in the other direction.

...the friendships I have left grew organically and even when these (2)  friends go through difficult times, there is no added drama and fireworks, no expectation that I will 'set myself on fire to keep them warm' .

I think people like us are very wary of letting new people coming into our lives, rightly so because of what we've been through..... I thought I was lonely, I thought I needed to get out there and make new friends, until I realised that I am not lonely, I like my solitude, I like my peaceful hobbies and I need quiet and calm to recharge my batteries.

The process of coming OOTF left me feeling that family and friends are very overrated. Nowadays, the social interactions I have can be meaningful or can be fun and frivolous but they're no longer essential to my wellbeing and I feel no more pressure to get out and make friends.
:yeahthat:

Malini, I very much align with your opinions on the points made (above in your quote).  Growing up with a uNPDf, I have learned to love solitude, and I am glad I enjoy it.  I look at my ability to enjoy my solo time as a gift. I can be comfortable in a crowd, with a small group or with just one person, but I am also perfectly fine by myself and with myself. 

Not everyone appreciates solitude and sometimes find themselves uncomfortably alone and desire a companion.  That can also become a hardship for companions (who enjoy solitude).  This is the case with me and my uPDw, as she does not like to be alone, yet I prefer it, therefore I desire, in love, to balance her desire and mine as best possible .  In addition I promote her involvement with other ladies as it’s a win-win, because I get my needed solo time. 

I’m sorry you feel you made ‘bad choices’ (your words) and hopefully you can eventually shed that negative feeling toward yourself and file it as life experiences that are steadily revealing pure gold.  Gold is most often found in very small broken bits and flakes, or even larger chunks, but mostly attached to dirt and stone. As fire and the whole purification process is applied to the mass, the dirt, stone and other impurities are steadily removed and the purity and beauty of the gold is slowly revealed, then finally shaped by the artist to be an adornment of beauty on other people . 

I surely understand where hindsight can leave a person feeling they made bad choices (choices of people or decisions made). In my case, I did not choose my uNPDf and although I did choose my spouse, looking back i can see the PD traits really didn’t reveal themselves until years 2-5 of our now decades long marriage. 

After reading the book ‘Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist’, I realized that in many cases, the PD’s will ‘love-bomb’ (not a fan of the term as i don’t believe it deserves the word love) in order to attract and secure a caretaker.  Couple that with having learned to be a caretaker (along with my mother) and my zero-knowledge of personality disorders, only recently acquired, and I am able then to look at my past as not bad choices, but refining life experiences that are still ongoing.  Sure I’ve made bad choices that I must accept and own them (drug involvement and promiscuity in my early college years), but again I am chalking them up to poorly made decisions and life experiences that are shaping my ever-revealing gold. 

Hopefully you can also find a way to consider something similar, knowing that it has been/is being the purification process that is revealing gold.

SoT.

« Last Edit: February 01, 2018, 11:21:24 AM by SonofThunder »
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

*

Riggo199

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #14 on: February 02, 2018, 08:30:12 PM »
Malini:  YES!  You nailed it. After I went NC, other relatives also withdrew from me.  I felt so alone. They believed my Mom's --totally fabricated--stories about why I don't contact her anymore.  Now, I see they are just like her.  All drama, shallow..they want a relationship with her because she married $$ and they want some when she passes.  It is kind of sick.  I am just beginning to "see" them. 

I am so glad you shared your story.  I am, like you, very outgoing but I freak-out when I feel smothered.  I have been in several book clubs, clubs with other women and after awhile, I end up quitting because I can't stand the drama.  This solitude is so new to me...and I just LOVE it.  My husband is always encouraging me to find a "group", and I finally told him that groups bored me after awhile because it ends up being like groundhog day.  I prefer my books to shallow conversations.  Like I said before, I thought this way-of-life was a character defect on my part.

SonofThunder:  What you said about friendships just growing-over-time....was really great.  I am working on not being so neurotic about it.  My Mom once sent me a package:  a book titled Borderline Personality Disorder.  And, a note that said: "Sheila, I thought you should know....I have talked to my friends and they agree THIS is what you have.  No one knows how to deal with you.  Everyone walks on eggshells around you.  You are going to die alone".    All because I just like solitude!!  I believed this for many years.....until I happened to tell a neighbor and she said, "WELL!  Your mom just diagnosed herself".  It put a whole new light on things..and began my whole journey researching Personality Disorders...and here I am!  Don't feel bad for me (prob. not even crossed your mind--it is just when I tell people this they feel bad-)...NOW, I can laugh at this without completely breaking down.

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Riggo199

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #15 on: February 02, 2018, 08:37:10 PM »
Malini: Oh!  I am so glad you said that about Facebook.  I used to be on it, and would get so angry/irritated reading other people's posts/constant bragging.  Ugh....are people really that insecure?! ha

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Spirit Girl

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #16 on: February 02, 2018, 10:22:52 PM »
I'm so glad you brought this subject up Riggo199.
I SO agree that your m diagnosed herself with bringing up that book!
Facebook - have tuned out quite a bit on that as it seems that ppl post only the good and besides I'm not interested to know which airport they're at or a video of their soup cooking on the stove. Good that you brought that up Malini :)

How truly kind of Sonof Thunder to point out your many positive traits. I read it several times.

Lately I've not wanted to socialize and I don't know why, I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. I don't want to gather with friends and talk talk talk, inevitably about family (dysfunctional). Someone said once that most conversations are about the past. It seems to strike a chord with me. I'm tired of talking.
The past couple of years have been a time of coming Out of the FOG, studying, learning and making decisions like going nc with unPDN m and dealing with other family dynamics, getting rid of fleas and finally the frustration of 'why can't I fix myself, why can't I feel 'normal'? I'm trying to think of new interests that don't involve conversations about family where there's a bit of socializing with activities.

Thanks to all your comments, it's helping me not feel  :stars: !

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SonofThunder

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #17 on: February 03, 2018, 01:28:12 AM »
. My Mom once sent me a package:  a book titled Borderline Personality Disorder.  And, a note that said: "Sheila, I thought you should know....I have talked to my friends and they agree THIS is what you have.  No one knows how to deal with you.  Everyone walks on eggshells around you.  You are going to die alone".    All because I just like solitude!!  I believed this for many years.....until I happened to tell a neighbor and she said, "WELL!  Your mom just diagnosed herself".  It put a whole new light on things..and began my whole journey researching Personality Disorders...and here I am!  Don't feel bad for me (prob. not even crossed your mind--it is just when I tell people this they feel bad-)...NOW, I can laugh at this without completely breaking down.

Riggo, glad you can laugh about it!  :).   From the ‘Top 100 Traits’ here on OOTF:

Projection - The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.

Your neighbor has a keen eye and I’m so glad that neighbor spoke up to you that way.  It’s very difficult when we who enjoy solitude, live around PD’s because they have had so many years to perfect their PD traits, in order to cope, and they become very skilled at them, so the relatively few people we solitude-lover’s hang around, reduces our interactions somewhat, therefore giving even more power to the PD persons opinions. 

When this PD is a person we naturally should trust (and we are not yet aware of PD’s) such as a parent, we tend to believe them.  Again, so good of your neighbor to point out that your mother actually described herself, and for you to be able to step outside the situation and get a birds eye view of it, realizing that the neighbor may correct.

It took me a while to realize that my uPDw’s frequent accusations of and frustrations with me being ‘unsocial’ were actually describing herself.  Her social attempts are always very grand and imo, more about her recieving  praise for putting on a good party.  There is always WAY too much food and WAY too much work in food prep and decorating and she gets angrily frazzled because she’s a terrible time manager as well, so it’s a rat race to get everything ready.  Then afterwards, because there is so much excess left over, the cleanup is WAY too long.  The next day all involved are beat-tired. 

After one is over, comments are usually made by her about the event that reflect her opinion of the party, my opinion of how others perceived the party and how much she wanted everyone to have a good time.  For those that rsvp’d and no-showed, she has choice words about them. For those who did not rsvp and did not show, they get blacklisted.  Not much is said about how much fun it was to see so-in so or other things actually related to being ‘social’. 

Long story short, I hate putting on her social gatherings, but I’m not ‘unsocial’, I’m un-showful’  ;).  As I said I have very few friends and want it that way, but I can also hang just fine in crowds of her ‘acquaintances’ and talk with everyone.  So after each social event she will say to me “you looked like you had a good time with everybody....and so I don’t understand why you are so anti-social, did you just pretend all night to be social?”

My medium-chill response is “sorry you feel I’m unsocial.  I don’t feel I’m unsocial, but rather not a fan of all the work that is required for social events” and walk away.  The real fact of the matter is not that she’s ‘social’ but that she’s an anti-social that pretends to be social by throwing elaborate parties.  We only see these folks at our parties; she does not gather with the majority of them otherwise.  The party goers are made up of ‘acquaintances’ that she has made from the last decades of activity like parents from the kids school years, coworkers and so forth.   

Lol, we’ve lived in our neighborhood for 7 years and the only reason she even knows our next door neighbors is because I introduced her to them..... I’ve come to realize that she projects her anti-social traits on me and throws social events to hide the fact that she’s anti-social. 

Again Riggo, so glad your neighbor enlightened you and combined with your lightbulb moments and PD related education, have come to realize that you are just perfect and that PD’s have projected themselves onto you.  Cheers, SoT.
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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Riggo199

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #18 on: February 03, 2018, 02:44:45 AM »
SOT:  My mom always had those stupid-over-the-top parties.  She still does!   I always thought she had a ton of friends, now I see it was all done for her "audience".  Do you think this is the same for your wife, maybe?  I thought it was so odd, when I used to visit, that she didn't even know her neighbors, or cared to know.  Also, all her friends have -to-have money, or be well-connected.  You mentioned your w saying, "“you looked like you had a good time with everybody....and so I don’t understand why you are so anti-social, did you just pretend all night to be social?”   Oh!  That just brought back a memory...my Mom does the same to me....last time she said, "oh, I saw so-and-so talking to you, and he was laughing a lot.  You must be funny.  Were you pretending'? "
 WHHHAAAAT???  Good grief.  Good for you for staying true to yourself.  I find the most mind boggling issue is they have these parties, pretend they are the greatest thing on earth and the next day, tear most of the people apart. Why talk about people the next day, or ever? 

I like your comment, "un-showful", that is good.

Yes, I am grateful my neighbor was passing by when I was opening my package from my Mother.  I believe there are no coincidences, and I don't know what made me tell her what my Mom sent.  For soooo many years, I tried to figure out what was WRONG with my Mom.  I have spent years in libraries reading on: alcoholism, bipolar, schizophrenia, mean people, munchhausen-by-proxy, anything/everything trying to put a finger on the CRAZY behavior.   I feel the book and my neighbors comment was a blessing. Finally, a direction. So many wasted years.  So, yeah..now I can laugh.  You are so very insightful and I really appreciate everything you have said to me.  Your 1st post made me gasp b/c it was so kind.  I thought, "OH!  I'm really ok just the way I am"?  Seriously!  This is the 1st time I have talked about my experience, so forgive me if I am rambling.  It's been a really REALLY long journey. 


Spirit Girl.  haha about Facebook.  You mentioned, "Someone said once that most conversations are about the past. It seems to strike a chord with me. I'm tired of talking."  OH!  That is so true.  Good observation.  I understand where you are coming from.  I have been searching, reading, watching youtube videos for the past few years.  I feel like I am still healing. I recently told my dh that I feel like I am a whole new/different person....just coming into myself (b/c I am in our computer room alot by myself at night).  Glad you shared that you did the same.  I have learned so much and am in a much better place just by embracing my solitude.  I look at all the people that are always "on".  I think we are blessed to know how wonderful solitude is.  I have learned how to meditate too....I go to yoga classes 3-4x week for my back pain and somewhere along the way, I have found tremendous depth by my practice of these 2 things.  I am also becoming very aware of the people that are "coincidentally" put in my path to help me now.  Have you found this also?  I knit, go to yoga and walk...so, I don't have to talk to people.  hahaha.  I am just not ready.



   

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LeeJane

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Re: I prefer solitude. Is this wrong? I need help.
« Reply #19 on: February 03, 2018, 05:56:27 AM »
I am a person who loves being alone too.  It fills my heart and body with pleasure.  The quietness. I like to read, enjoy cups of tea, potter around my home.  I have lots of hobbies.  They are all quiet ones!  To me, it is heaven.

I grew up in a chaotic home, was involved in a career dealing with chaotic, loud people.  So now to have this haven is pure joy.

I go along to a club once a week, lasts a couple hours.  That is enough for me. I mix with a nice group of ladies.  It has a start and finish time.  I like that very much. 

For decades I bent myself out of shape being what I thought I ought to be.  No more.