Daughter Living With Her Abusive Father

[Kat54]

Its my hugest guilt leaving my two kids in the house with their dad. My daughter, 22 just out of college and my son 24 who lives at home and works for his father.  I know they at the point when I moved out it was OK for them to stay but then again I was in the FOG still and he has been abusive to my kids. Not hitting but more verbal, pushing, shoving, hair pulling, and very controlling and manipulative.  It was a lot more when they were small. Last instance with my son was a couple years ago right before I moved out. It was a hat my son was wearing and his dad didn't care for it...controlling...wanted him to wear some other hat and was making a huge deal over it. My ex grabbed it off his head, my son got so mad he tries to get it back, before you know it they are both on the floor wrestling for the stupid hat. How juvenile on my ex.
Son tells his dad if he ever lays a hand on him ever again he'll flatten him.

My daughter comes by to where I'm living last night pretty upset lugging her laptop. She's job hunting and was writing a cover letter to someone and her dad wanted to see it. He didn't like some parts of it and he wanted her to change it...being controlling again.  She disagreed with him, he starts yelling at her and don't know the particulars but she got fed up and walked out the door as he was screaming at her. Her accounting which I'm sure is accurate.

I went over it with her and it was great, just one change I suggested and she sent it. It was constructive help without being mean or yelling. Why would anyone start yelling and getting angry over a cover letter for a job?  She said he's going to want to see it. I told her its your cover letter and you don't have to show him anything. I could see she was worried about the letter, thinking about his reaction.  This is now a different perspective I'm seeing how her relationship is with him and how controlling he is. She just said "I have to show it to him"  ...and that is out of fear.

I said fine whatever you need to do. When she left to walk over to her girlfriends she said to me, "please don't tell dad I was here"  and then she also said, "I shouldn't be saying this but he was yelling and screaming at me like a lunatic, so don't bring anything like that up to dad"  Its one of the many reasons why I left him because of his verbal abuse. So its something she is acknowledging. My ex and I don't speak to each other really so she has nothing to worry with that.

Later that night she posted something on Instagram saying a list of things about herself and her personality, one of them is she suffers in silence.  I cried...

When I get a home I'll offer to each of them a room if they want one, and they are always welcome. I'm at the end of this divorce and almost ready to start house hunting.  They unfortunately would be afraid to leave him, at least she would. Last night I realized how much she is afraid of him and rocking his boat too much.  I know that feeling, it took me 3 years to leave.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm so sorry, Kat54.  This is heartbreaking.

Is there a domestic abuse organization in your area that you could contact?  I realize that most DA organizations focus on partner relationships, but you might be able to get some information and support anyway about your daughter's situation.

Here's some information for friends and family of victims and survivors, from the National Domestic Violence Hotline:  https://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/

[notrightinthehead]

I would see this as a good sign Kat. She came to you for support. She found a safe place with you. You are still not yet in a position where you can offer her long term shelter from her abusive father as you are living just around the corner from him. But it was a beginning. She seems to trust you and you were able to show her that her trust is deserved.

[athene1399]

I agree with Notright. She isn't staying away from your because she doesn't like you,  but becasue she's afraid of your ex. I think sometimes we are so used to having to listen to that person that we do it without question. We are blinded to the other options that exist. Now that I am Out of the FOG, I don't know why I listened to my parents when they wouldn't let me move out. But I guess for a very long time, I was programmed to do so.

I think letting her know that when you get a house you will have spare bedrooms if she ever wants to stay over is good. And as you said, it took you a long time to get the courage to leave. i hope one day she does too.

Could you suggest she see a therapist? Maybe someone who understands childhood emotional abuse? And not like "Your dad's a jerk, see a therapist", but maybe "You have a lot going on, have you thought about talking to a therapist?" And even if she doesn't run out to see one, you've planted the seed. Maybe she'll change her mind about it later on.

[Kat54]

I am seeing now that most likely they don't come over is because he says things to them and out of fear they listen. Its easier for them to appease him and not make him angry.

I was also thinking of suggesting to my daughter maybe do some therapy for a little bit under more the pretense the divorce has taken a big toll on the both of them and not your father is abusive, you need therapy.  She has issues she needs to deal with, as well as weight issues, which in my opinion my daughter will never be able to get a hold on until she addresses the emotional stuff first.  My ex has ridiculed her about every bite she puts in mouth for years and again being verbally abusive, its only contributed to her weight issues. She can't see that yet but I will keep trying to help her and recognize its all related.

I purposely made sure she went away to college when she wanted to go to the local community college to get her away from him for at least 4 years, and she totally thrived.

[cant turn back]

Kat, I just read it, and it nearly brought me to tears.  I feel like I'm on EXACTLY the same path as you, but my DD is 16.  It's only a matter of time until she acknowledges aloud that she wants to stay with her dad.  Not because she prefers him, but because 1- he is in the house, major comfort zone for her 2- he has the puppy, she is super attached 3- she hates moving back and forth each week, for our 50/50 arrangement 4- letting me down is the path of least resistance, she has to walk on eggshells with her dad.  All of this is very understandable and as time goes on I  am bracing myself more and more.  My DD is not putting herself in a position to go away to college, she rather loathes school and at this point I will be happy for her to graduate and go to community college, even though that will present a crossroads for determining where she will live.  Last night, Halloween, I had a massive FAIL in reacting very negatively when she said she wanted to go to dad's house for Halloween (see the co-parenting board here).  My DD confides in me little snippets here and there, and she is more openly sharing her feelings vs with her conversations dad, but ExH has continued to maintain the "dad of the year" "Disneyland Dad" persona that he adopted when I filed for divorce in 2017.  Any verbal abuse or emotional abuse has gone way underground, so, it's just not a part of her reality anymore, I don't know if she will even remember what her first 14 years were like.  Though, it is still alive in him and he shows his hand when we converse in email, once or twice a month.  I'm scared.  Today, after yesterday's debacle, I'm trying to focus on radical acceptance and refocus on doing whatever I need to in order to make her life easier, even if it hurts me or is contrary to what I want.

I'm so happy to hear your DD came to you in this recent moment of upset, you're her safe place.  Surely she gleaned something in the strength it took you bravely stand up and leave him.  Every so often, yesterday included, I encourage my DD16 to say how she feels even if she is afraid of how the other person will take it.  I've been telling her it's never wrong to tell the truth and acknowledge her feelings...  Even if it is only sinking in 1%.  Now, I have to 'walk the walk' and do my job and accept what she says so she can gain confidence in speaking her mind, I need to accept what she says, her wishes, without having a breakdown (like last night... FAIL).

I think if you could get your DD to a therapist, that would be HUGE!  Mine refuses to go.