T with one child - is this attmepted manipulation?

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Whiteheron

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T with one child - is this attmepted manipulation?
« on: February 05, 2018, 10:38:01 PM »
During the negotiations for part of our temporary custody agreement (it's about freakin' time!!!), stbx is trying to include therapy between himself and DS, because "that's who he's having problems with." I can honestly say I don't like this one bit (it makes me feel sick to my stomach) and I let my L know that this will be another way for stbx to try to manipulate DS through the therapist. I tried to explain it to her, so she countered with "if it's recommended by DS's T" and that DS's T would choose the T. I don't know what the outcome was, since I had to leave to get the kids to their activities (it ran over by at least an hour). I should hear from my L tomorrow.

What is going on here? Is anyone else's PD involved in therapy with one child and not the other? It feels so wrong.
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MaoMeow

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Re: T with one child - is this attmepted manipulation?
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2018, 06:36:49 PM »
I suspect your "spidey" senses are right - your stbxh is up to no good!   :sadno:  I assume he will wish to choose the T, so it's good to hear that you are preempting that by getting in there with suggestions.

Is your DS old enough to have a say? Although if he refuses then that makes DS a target for stbh for not complying with his wishes.

Delaying tactics might work, then you can moving the problem down the road and hope that your stbxh might change his mind, or find something else to chase after. Delaying tactics might be anything from moving the decision to the permanent hearing, waiting for a T to become available, or setting up appointments far into the future (with wide gaps between appointments).

Wishing you the best of luck, and hope your stbh moves on.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2018, 06:38:39 PM by MaoMeow »

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WesternLover

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Re: T with one child - is this attmepted manipulation?
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2018, 03:10:50 PM »
I totally got the hee bee jeebees when I read this. Everything with PDs has to be a huge mind game and manipulation. I immediately saw this as a means your ex can manipulate and maybe even emotionally abuse your son.  Is there a way you can just directly point this out to the court - that is it exactly a means your ex will use to control and manipulate your son? Maybe you can petition the court give your son private sessions? Maybe you can argue your son has a right to confidentiality and will be afraid to fully express himself in front of his father?

This is a tough one, I am not sure how I would try to thwart it either or if it's possible. I think I would just do my best to emotionally prep my son if he had to do this with his dad.  I'd say something like "your dad may do and say things in therapy that make you uncomfortable. You don't have to say anything you don't want to." Maybe like you said your current therapist can pick the new therapist and forewarn them your ex probably has a Personality Disorder. So they new T can be on the lookout for what seems like covert manipulations???

I feel for you. I would be totally sickened by the thought of my son going to joint therapy with his dad.

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Whiteheron

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Re: T with one child - is this attmepted manipulation?
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2018, 05:52:10 PM »
I've been bad about updating here - Right before I had to leave, I tried my best to describe to my L what would happen if T with his dad would be happening. So my L worded it in such a way that DS's current therapist would essentially be the gatekeeper - she would need to agree it would be in DS's best interest - DS would have to agree to it, and that they would use a T recommended by DS's T, and that DS's T would have full access to any session notes, etc.

In the meantime, my L encouraged me to speak with DS's therapist to give a heads-up. So I did. I explained my reasoning. The T said discouraging T between a parent and child goes against the whole idea of T, etc. T was also saying it would be tricky to find a qualified T who would see through the manipulation and at the same time work with a child. I told the T I was not opposed to DS and stbx attending T once things have a chance to settle down and DS is in a better place mentally (which would likely be in a year or so - after divorce would be final and final custody settled).

DS approached me the other day and told me that his T had brought up the idea of T with his dad, with a different therapist. DS very firmly informed me that in no way could anyone force him into T with his dad, he would refuse, and if they make him he will tell them he wants to live with me full time (he's 14) and that there is no way on this Earth he will do this because it will go horribly wrong. He also told me his T didn't think it was a good idea (which is a huge relief). DS's T was the first to suggest stbx might be NPD, so this person completely gets it.

So DS sees it for what it is - his dad trying to regain control over him. It's not court mandated. I explained the potential emotional abuse to L (who, thanks to the psych report, can now see it) and to DS's T. That's all I can do at this point. I'm sure stbx will argue about it. It's even in one of his earlier affidavits - about how if he'd only known DS was having issues with him and requiring T, he could have simply met with the T to explain his side  :roll: he also wants to use DS's T for suggestions to improve his parenting skills (which my T says is the role of stbx's T, not DS's T).

I hope this makes sense...there are a lot of T's in there!


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MaoMeow

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Re: T with one child - is this attmepted manipulation?
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2018, 04:59:07 AM »
Thanks for the update. I hope it will all amount to nothing at the end of the day, or your stbxh goes chasing after something else. Nice to hear that your son is mature enough to understood clearly what is going on and is prepared to fight this.