will we, children of PDs, every be able to trust a partner?

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elly87

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will we, children of PDs, every be able to trust a partner?
« on: February 09, 2018, 02:52:33 PM »
little PD history:
I am a child of a HPD/NPD mother and NPD father with psychopathic features. I had a very abusive childhood.

on top of that, my 2nd (who became my now ex-husband), 3rd, 4th and 5th BFs all were pretty disordered. all had some level of NPD and the last was severely BPD.

 I am currently dating a non (finally!). He seems to be fairly healthy. communicates (as well as a guy could  :tongue2:), admits fault when it applies, and is generally loving and giving. we have been together for 7 months.

so here comes my question:
because ive had so much trauma, now that our relationship is very serious, with Bf moving to my town for us to further our relationship, I find that when he 'does me wrong' I have a hard time giving him the benefit of the doubt and trusting that he actually cares about me.

for example: instead of waking up with me, joining my morning routine with the kids, etc.. he stayed in bed until I was basically taking the kids to the bus and going to work. I was furious about it because I spent years being married to my npd ex who slept through everything and was basically my roommate, offering me nothing, despite my giving everything to the family. He knows this history and even told me that he will be waking up with me when he stays over because he wants to be a part.

so I called him on the way to work and he immediately apologized without much of an excuse (I was so tired, I wasn't thinking). I accepted his apology and explained why I found it very hurtful. he sincerely apologized and told me hed do better. I thanked him but also made it clear that he lost some credibility with me now since he had told me he wouldn't do this and now did it.

he told me he thought that was very harsh and reminded me of other times that he did get up with me (true). I later remembered that he also spent an hour after a long day of work last night running around entertaining my kids so I can cook in peace and take a break from them after 2 hours of homework hell.

all of this made me wonder. am I too damaged from people using and abusing and manipulating and controlling me? am I telling him he lost some credibility to punish him, or to displace my intense feelings of rejection and disappointment on to him? will he ever be able to make mistakes and let me down without me calling his entire trustworthiness into question? how can I tell of signs of someone using me or mistreating me, vs. human mistakes by someone who has my best interests at heart? does anyone else here have these questions, especially when they date a non pd?


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Saywhat

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Re: will we, children of PDs, every be able to trust a partner?
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2018, 08:00:20 AM »
Yes!!

I trust my partner with my life.

He is wonderful and amazing and even though weve had ups and downs we still have an amazing relationship.

It was a journey for me however to trust him. It takes time, but eventually the walls start to fall

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zephyrblue

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Re: will we, children of PDs, every be able to trust a partner?
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2018, 11:03:48 AM »
I'm pretty much where you are, elly.  It's tough.

The fact that you're aware of your fears and tendency to expect the worst from your partner is a huge first step.  Kudos to your partner for good communication. That is key.

I'm in my mid 40s, in a committed relationship, but not living with my partner.  I moved out about six months ago because he refused to compromise on a few important fronts. He may have undiagnosed ADHD which could explain some of our difficulties. 

Lately I've been wondering if I subconsciously keep choosing men who have limited ability for being supportive and emotionally intimate to keep myself safe.  My partner seemed emotionally healthy and mature when we first got together. He's had some health issues and other things beyond his control which doesn't help any.  But still he's downright rigid and unreasonable in a few areas, and I've bent over backwards to try to accommodate.  It still wasn't enough, so I said eff this, I'm out.  We communicate daily online or on the phone and visit each other every few weeks.  Things are better since the issues we clashed over are no longer relevant.

I can say this much: I believe I've chosen healthier men over time.  My disordered parents modeled a horrible version of marriage/commitment.  My T has helped me figure out what a normal,  healthy relationship looks like.  So I think there's hope of being able to trust eventually.  I'm not quite there yet, though.