Hoover? Perhaps I知 wrong about her......

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bohemian butterfly

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Hoover? Perhaps I知 wrong about her......
« on: February 10, 2018, 10:27:01 AM »
So last night痴 phone call was, errrrrr interesting.   I知 still shaking off the cobwebs this morning. 

I kept the phone call short (20 minutes) and spoke to her while I was driving home.  Right before I dialed her number I did a few breathing exercises and then just took the plunge. 

How can I say this????   So for the entire duration of the phone call, my mother was sickingly, over the top, sweet.  Like kissing my butt sweet.  Like compliments galore. 

A few examples (paraphrased)

Mom:   添our dog (my 14 year old that recently passed) was incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful mother as you.   I mean, he just couldn稚 have had a better life.   I was just telling your grandmother the other day........

Mom:  添ou work soooo hard, I just don稚 know how you do it all!   It痴 amazing!

Then there was the 吐orced teaming (a phrase that was used in a book called, 典he Gift of Fear it痴 when the perp overrides the victims fears by appearing to have similar interests, lived, etc. )

Mom:  登h wow!   You guys are building a greenhouse!  I致e always wanted to do that! I知 sooo jealous.   You will have to send me pictures! How cool! How wonderful!!!

Then there was the subtle invite. 

Mom:   的 can稚 wait to see the greenhouse you are building!  We will have to stop by next time we池e in town!

Then there was the attempted guilt/slightly waify/ sad period.

Mom:  的致e been so sick!  For 2 weeks!  I致e lost 24 lbs.  all I could do was sleep.  I had no interest in anything.

Then there were the covert sniffles as I was getting off the phone. 

Then there was the over-the-top goodbye.   

Mom:  澱ye!   It was sooooooo great talking to you!  Hope to talk to you soon!!!!   I love you soooo much!

Ugh!   

Your thoughts?   

It痴 just such odd behavior.   Totally different.   She痴 just trying so hard.  I知 finding it hard to stay medium chill.   

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bloomie

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Re: Hoover? Perhaps I知 wrong about her......
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2018, 09:43:45 PM »
Bohemian Butterfly - there are times with my own uPD mother I almost... almost... would rather the real deal underneath all of the layers of sugar and spice and everything nice because it was just so ridiculously false and the ugly stuff underneath was actually authentic. I can deal with authentic and respond appropriately and do not encounter that haze of self doubt that can come from an exchange like this.

I sometimes wanted to speak to the two heads protruding from my mother's neck and say... pick a stinkin' personality and find a place of sincerity! Then we can deal.

I realized that all she really had was false selves and mirroring to offer and so I was most likely always going to be uncomfortable with her chameleon like ways.

Sad, but when I finally came to a place of acceptance around that it helped me have a bit of compassion and tolerance for it and not to take it personally - even though it is personal as this interaction you describe exposes, I chose to see it as a serious character defect that had nothing really to do with me and was in place long before I came along and impacted every significant relationship she ever had.

I really like how you have dug through this and are finding your truth in it. Very insightful!



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daughterofbpd

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Re: Hoover? Perhaps I知 wrong about her......
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2018, 01:32:09 AM »
 :yeahthat:
Same as what Bloomie said. My mom seems a bit manic at times, like if she痴 actually happy or nice it is always way over the top. It seems like it痴 just one of the cycles in her mood. I hate when she is syrupy sweet because I can稚 ever take her compliments seriously when she normally tries to cut me down. Also, I feel like it痴 a cover for the times that she is mean. So, if I told her she makes me out to be a bad mom (with her covert jabs), she could just say 的 don稚 know what you are talking about! I just told you what a good mom you are last week! I hate that.
滴ow starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

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Fightsong

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Re: Hoover? Perhaps I知 wrong about her......
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2018, 06:10:53 AM »
BB,  whatever is was or wasn't doesn't negate the years of learning you have done at her feet which led you to the place you now inhabit.  That was authentic real childish  learning - the real stuff how we instinctively learn who people are and who has our back and who is to be trusted. (or not)

Not every conversation I have with my mother is abusive,  though sometimes there are traps I fall into that i don't see immediately - but that doesn't mean I was or am 'wrong about her'. Sometimes I think she might be capable of accepting the growth in me and that shows more capacity for change than i have credited her with , and sometimes not. Sometimes when she is 'not abusive' i have felt, in a way disappointed , like I need her to continue these behaviors in order to validate my feelings and actions, and anger. But this is rather black and white thinking - and I need to remind myself that all that went before, still went before. still exists.  And we are where we are because of the lifetime of behaviors  that occurred whilst I was a dependent child - and not  as an open eyed understanding  FOG aware adult.

So to you - hoover? possibly, sugar-sweet  inauthenticity?  - possibly,  Are you wrong? -  Does this conversation today negate that lifetime of learning you have in your kit -bag?

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moglow

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Re: Hoover? Perhaps I知 wrong about her......
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2018, 10:58:27 AM »
BB, I guess that's what gets and keeps me/us in the game - mother's one consistency has been her sheer inconsistency over time. What I get today may not be at all what I get tomorrow or the next three phone calls , then suddenly the good fairy returns again.

What I try to do is not take any of it personally, good or bad. I know from experience, give in and enjoy the good, and I open up and share things I wouldn't otherwise. Those things have always come back to bite me later - I hear about it from others. It's mocked and belittled by mother the next time her mood changes. It's held over my head in some random hostage situation in her mind. It's rarely just accepted as a chance comment or thought. No, it's twisted into something entirely different.

I sound like Harry Potter's Professor Moody with his admonitions of "constant vigilance!" and honestly that's how it feels. One misstep, one misspoken word and the dementors will swoop down to suck all the good out of it!

Basically, I try to just accept her at face value in that moment and continue on. Because I know it will change, and probably when I least expect it.

"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: Hoover? Perhaps I知 wrong about her......
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2018, 11:26:05 AM »
- and I need to remind myself that all that went before, still went before. still exists.  And we are where we are because of the lifetime of behaviors  that occurred whilst I was a dependent child - and not  as an open eyed understanding  FOG aware adult.

^^this^^ was just what I needed to hear.  A lifetime of behaviors.  Dependent child. 

As a FOG aware adult, I'm tempted to dissect every word she says (to validate?  To make sure I'm right about her?)  But in reality, it doesn't matter because I do know.  I do know why I'm here.  It has been a lifetime of behaviors that have affected me.  I don't need any proof today to validate my feelings/my fleas/my experiences.  It was a dysfunctional upbringing and I continue to struggle with her.

I do know.  I'm not wrong.  Thank you!

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Fightsong

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Re: Hoover? Perhaps I知 wrong about her......
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2018, 05:03:02 PM »
You池e welcome . On you go.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Hoover? Perhaps I知 wrong about her......
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2018, 07:36:20 PM »
Sometimes when she is 'not abusive' i have felt, in a way disappointed , like I need her to continue these behaviors in order to validate my feelings and actions, and anger. But this is rather black and white thinking - and I need to remind myself that all that went before, still went before. still exists.  And we are where we are because of the lifetime of behaviors  that occurred whilst I was a dependent child - and not  as an open eyed understanding  FOG aware adult.
Fightsong - Very wise words and so true. Sometimes I need to hear this too!
Moglow - I love the Harry Potter reference! So fitting!
滴ow starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Hoover? Perhaps I知 wrong about her......
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2018, 07:37:28 PM »
:yeahthat:
Same as what Bloomie said. My mom seems a bit manic at times, like if she痴 actually happy or nice it is always way over the top. It seems like it痴 just one of the cycles in her mood. I hate when she is syrupy sweet because I can稚 ever take her compliments seriously when she normally tries to cut me down. Also, I feel like it痴 a cover for the times that she is mean. So, if I told her she makes me out to be a bad mom (with her covert jabs), she could just say 的 don稚 know what you are talking about! I just told you what a good mom you are last week! I hate that.

Exactly.

My mom is the same way quite often. That is why I still struggle with getting sucked back in. Lately I have noticed that usually she is nicer, after she has misbehaved. It feels like her way of smoothing things over. But it is also a way of her to act like she is my supporter. She wants me to be dependent on her validation, for better or worse. So she will train me by giving me little "treats" every so often. I used to live for the positive reinforcement, and do anything to avoid the negative.

Now I realize the positive is temporary and manipulative. The negative is inevitable, however pleasing I try or don't try to be.

BB, I guess that's what gets and keeps me/us in the game - mother's one consistency has been her sheer inconsistency over time. What I get today may not be at all what I get tomorrow or the next three phone calls , then suddenly the good fairy returns again.

What I try to do is not take any of it personally, good or bad. I know from experience, give in and enjoy the good, and I open up and share things I wouldn't otherwise. Those things have always come back to bite me later - I hear about it from others. It's mocked and belittled by mother the next time her mood changes. It's held over my head in some random hostage situation in her mind. It's rarely just accepted as a chance comment or thought. No, it's twisted into something entirely different.

I sound like Harry Potter's Professor Moody with his admonitions of "constant vigilance!" and honestly that's how it feels. One misstep, one misspoken word and the dementors will swoop down to suck all the good out of it!

Basically, I try to just accept her at face value in that moment and continue on. Because I know it will change, and probably when I least expect it.



 :yeahthat:

Wow

Every time.

It is so hard because the "good" moments trick us--we either are naturally tempted to enjoy them and like Moglow says, open up too much (I do that). Or to let those moments define our relationship.  That is what I did growing up. I forgot and ignored the bad and clung to the good. I lied to myself.

Now, when she is being nice, I don't believe it. I put my guard up and wonder if she is working an angle. She may not be, she might just be in a pleasant mood and nothing is upsetting her at the moment. But I no longer trust her. I never trust her.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill