What just happened?!

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HeldHigh

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What just happened?!
« on: March 02, 2018, 01:23:57 PM »
After growing up with a NPD father and finally coming Out of the FOG with a HPD friend I have been doing really well. This weekend I witnessed a wild exchange that definitely affected me. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling worried, stressed and in flight mode. Then I sat calmly knowing I witnessed an abusive situation but then I began to wonder, "is this a personality disorder"? I have been so hyper vigilant about ever engaging with anyone who has a PD. 

A dear old pal of my husband and mine is moving back to our area. He came to do some house searching for his wife and family. It was such a happy reunion! Lots of friends were so happy to see him, so a few of us planned to meet at female friend's home that evening to celebrate (it was her birthday as well) then head to a restaurant. We were all at the house waiting for him. He showed up late and was visibly shaking and pale. We immediately asked what was happening. He had just gotten off the phone and said that his wife was furious and threatened to leave him if he went to the restaurant if the female friend was to attend too. His wife is crazy jealous of her and told him he could not attend the party because the female friend would be attending too (with her husband btw). We were all blown away and the female friend immediately offered not to go and keep the peace. Side note, the female friend And our pal have NEVER had any romantic involvement and they don't really communicate much. Maybe text here and there to tell a funny story or check in. The female friend was shocked and hurt but wanted our buddy to see all the friends waiting for us at the restaurant. So we all went to the restaurant and had a subdued evening. Very strange. BUT the worst part was that the next day, our buddy's wife was even more furious for actually following through with her request and she felt that she now looked bad. No duh!! She said that he should "have read the situation better" and made his own judgement to just go with everyone and let her calm down. The poor guy cannot win!
So there you have it. I told my husband that this event has really affected me. I feel terrible for my friend because this is abusive but my gut feels like this goes deeper. Can anyone explain what this was? I was definitely triggered and feel the need to hear an explanation. I know we cannot diagnose but you know what I mean. Thank you for reading.

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bgirl12

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Re: What just happened?!
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2018, 10:50:52 PM »
You sound like a very concerned friend and you try to be there for them. You never really know the whole story with these kinds of things. Marriages just don't one day end up with a wife threatening to leave a husband. That woman is at her wits end with him for whatever reason. And if he is that concerned about losing her. If she is truly abusive in some way, he can get help for that too. But you may never know the problems that lead up to these things. This sounds very complicated and deep indeed. It sounds like you did a kind thing and tried to understand his needs at that time. It hurts to see friends upset. Sometimes just being there is enough.

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HeadAboveWater

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Re: What just happened?!
« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2018, 11:59:12 PM »
I can see how this situation would strike you as off and cause you some worry. It does not seem like a typical interaction at all.

Whatever is going on between this friend and his wife, while upsetting, is not something that you can solve. If you feel like the wife's behavior might be triggering to you, it doesn't matter if she's PD or not. Pay attention to the way you feel and decide if you will be comfortable with further contact with this woman, directly or indirectly. I completely understand feeling baffled and wanting to understand what is going on and why. Remember, though, that we can't control other people -- not the person whom we suspect of behaving abusively or the person who might be the victim. Unfortunately, we don't always get explanations for past conflicts. The tools in the toolbox can help us know what to do and what to avoid, however.