The positives you saw in your kids after leaving

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The positives you saw in your kids after leaving
« on: March 03, 2018, 06:08:47 PM »
Hi all

I have had myself and young kids (4 and 7) out of the war zone we lived in for three mths now. They are seeing Dad once a week. Sat night sleepover at this stage.

To be honest it appears to be going better than I thought it would in terms of their adjustment.

My older child was quite reactive at first and even at end of relationship. I resisted taking them to my sisters as he would just be getting into fights with his cousins including running out screaming F words at them. It was very upsetting and they just started hating him.

Three mths later we went back to visit them. He was like a new kid!! Played in their pool. Talked to them and my sister. Shared computer games. My sister said wow he is so much calmer.

Don't get me wrong he's a fiery kid and I worry he has some of his dads traits but at home when he gets in a bad space I try to calmly walk him through the RAIN acronym I learnt. He can be a bit sarcastic during it but it ends upon a good place usually. Example yesterday he hits little brother and really hurts him. Then he runs off saying 'I'm so stupid I hate everyone etc'

He comes back into house I sit on couch next to him. 'Ok X we. Are going to go through RAIN. r is for recognise. 'What am I feeling right now?' He says 'I'm so stupid I'm so dumb' very angrily. I help him 'let me try to guess. I think maybe frustrated? Actually maybe Bad. I think it could be you feel like a bad persons because you got in trouble for hurting your brother''. Quiet then. Bingo.

Ok good. Well let's move to A. A is for allow. I rub his back. Allow that feeling to be there. Feelings aren't always the truth they are just feelings. Let that feeling be there. It's ok.

Now I. I is for investigate. What is making me feel like that? Everyone makes mistakes and feels bad. That's ok. Everyone gets in trouble. I'll try better next time.

N. N is for nurture. Ok X think about what you need. A cuddle? You need mum to tell you you are not a bad person and everyone does bad things? 

We don't ignore what happened. This is more for the time after it where he gets stuck in quite a mood.

Then we have a cuddle and he moves on.

Are your kids happier? I think mine are. Wish I got them out earlier



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Re: The positives you saw in your kids after leaving
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2018, 08:41:09 PM »
I love that acronym, 2nice! I wish I had known about it when the kids were younger (although I might try to sneak it in on DS14  ;)).

It's too soon to tell if my kids are happier. DS seems much more relaxed and is no longer talking about anxiety and panic attacks. This is their second weekend with stbx...this time he has them for four nights. DD11 is already texting that she wants to be with me, that she's miserable with her dad, which is heartbreaking because she's the one who usually wants to see him (she's the favored child).

I do wish I had gotten them out sooner - DS14 was suffering the worst of it. I hope in time things level out (but with a PD dad, who knows if this is possible).
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.