One step forward, two back to where we began

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One step forward, two back to where we began
« on: March 09, 2018, 11:26:45 PM »
Sigh. I donít know why I delude myself into thinking things are smoothing over and falling into place. Havenít been here in a while because things have been so quiet and peaceful on my end. For a whole month. Nothing from my stbx. No pleasantries, but just curt cooperation as far as our time sharing with the kids. Things had been going well. I almost let myself be lulled into a false sense of peace and security.

I was under the impression that he had received advice from someone, the abusive and accusatory texts ended so abruptly. It was like someone told him, dude, you know she is keeping a record of everything you say to her. It just came to a dead stop.

It didnít last, though. They are back. The current development is that I have completed and submitted my financial disclosures to him. Another step forward. I know he got the papers this week. Now itís his turn. This is the one thing he dreads about the divorce. He really, really doesnít want to disclose. I am not sure if he is hiding how little he makes or how much he makes. I have already told him it is only a formality that we canít get out of and I am not asking for anything from him financially. Except child support, which also cannot be waived in our state.

So, now that he has the papers and the orders to submit his disclosure, the texts start up again. We MUST live together in the same house. For the kids! Itís such BS. Not trying to be flippant, but the kids are fine...on my end anyhow.

He has been having problems on his overnights with our older child. Back to traumatizing her by destroying her things in front of her when she is disobedient. She told me he even burned an important paper of hers in front of her to punish her for talking back. I told him I did not agree with this method of punishment, as it is too extreme. She gets toys taken away at my house, but I donít smash them in front of her.

Tried to explain to him ( for the hundredth time) that she is four and he consistently lets her stay up at night until midnight (even on school nights!) no good can come of it. I donít have those kinds of behavioral issues with her at my house because she has structure and gets enough sleep.

He canít see that, though, and deflected to his default position that any issues he has with her are MY fault because I am divorcing him. The problem is she doesnít have TWO PARENTS IN ONE HOME. Translation: I am supposed to do all the work when it comes to disciplining our children.

He said he canít ďdo this without me.Ē Still trying to use the kids to guilt me into getting back with him. He still thinks it is an option. I am so much more at peace without him, I would NEVER go back. I replied that if he canít handle parenting, he should consider reducing the number of overnights. That made him pretty angry. What does he think Iím going to do? Run back into his arms? He called me sick, cold, heartless. Why would he want me back? Cold and heartless just means impervious to his manipulation tactics.

I have a few suspicions about why this is happening again. He may have seen how much I make, which on an hourly basis seems high, but I only work part time and very few hours. He might have dollar signs in his eyes and be thinking about having me take care of him again.

Or, heís hiding something financially. I donít think he is hiding money, but I honestly donít know. We never disclosed anything to each other even when we were married. He obviously doesnít want me to see something: either how little he makes or that he actually makes more than he let on and could have contributed more to our household, but didnít.

I donít know. But receiving the papers obviously set him off. My lawyer says he canít stall for long at this stage and we have a game plan for if he tries. Itís just annoying and frustrating. Does he think I am stupid? I know he got the papers and thatís why he is pressuring me to ďreunite the family.Ē He never said anything about a child needing two parents who love and respect each other, no, itís only about two parents in the SAME HOME. Meaning mom does all the work and he gets to continue living his carefree, leisurely life.

Ugh, I feel sick when I even imagine living with him again. Him undoing all my work with the kids every night. Keeping them up and messing with my structure. Things are much smoother with him not here.

Just needed to vent. Anxiety rises every time another text comes in from him. I am back on his radar.



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Re: One step forward, two back to where we began
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2018, 05:59:04 AM »
Back on the radar- good way to put it. I totally get it. My ex has kids one night a week and is giving no financial support yet. Considering he is in eviction process for not paying rent I don't pressure him

I go on and off his radar too

I feel for you and your little one. It's almost impossible to stop them seeing their dad and it's prob not always best.

She must be tired and grumpy when she gets back home.

It's hell. The trick is to be like teflon.

There will always be some contact unfort. I'm so mad I gave this terrorist in my life children. They don't deserve them. Too selfish

Not a very positive response sorry. I hope with time it gets better



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Re: One step forward, two back to where we began
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2018, 05:11:37 PM »
Locked Out, I'm so sorry.  It seems like a nice respite when not dealing with the ranting, raving and crazy-making but that respite is too short. 

The behavior you described that he has with your little one is over the top.  I'm sure you have done so, but your attorney should know that he's destroying her things (and burning her paper).  You may even consider a notebook / diary for her that she can write in when she gets back safely to your home so that she can write down (or have you note) how she feels when being at her father's when these situations occur.  During the last years of my working as a paralegal, I worked with a divorce attorney who handled many child issues and this was a suggestion he used to tell the clients.  Just a thought.

I'm sure your attorney (& the court) won't allow him to string along the financial discovery for long - the dockets and cases have to keep moving despite what your ex may feel. 

Keep up the good work of holding yourself together even during this frustration.  Soon the divorce will be through and though you will have to deal with him because of the children, you can keep that to a minimum.