I have this same issue and I know it’s tough. It basically boils down to whether you two are going to be able/willing to “co-parent” or not. I had hoped to co-parent with my ex when we first split, but have had to accept that that’s not happening and is never going to happen. I have had to let go and move towards parallel parenting instead. What he does, even if I think he is a crappy parent, is his prerogative in his home. I can only provide routine, stability, and structure during my time and in my home. If he is willing to cooperate and work together, lucky you! Mine does whatever he thinks will annoy me the most (like allowing our preschooler to stay up past midnight on school nights, skip naps, etc.) but then wants to “co-parent” when it backfires on him and he is left to deal with cranky meltdowns without me to save him from it. I finally told him outright that he is free to parent how he wants at his house, but at some point needs to recognize the consequences of his choices.
Of course, I am not referring to anything that would put our child in danger, then I would absolutely step in. But, the day to day stuff is on him during his time. I don’t call him every time our child has a tantrum at my house. I deal with it.
And our child seems to have adapted to the differences in structure between our two homes. It is hard sometimes to get her to bed at a reasonable time, but consistency is key.
At this point, it’s not that big a deal, but I worry about how this will affect our child when she starts school in the fall and has to be up and ready much earlier than now. Also, no more naps at school to catch up on sleep she may have missed at his house.
Have you got a court ordered parenting plan yet? Not sure where you are at in the process, but as anyone here will tell you, you should document everything that’s happening, so you can note patterns of behavior and what-not.
My advice is to keep what you’re doing—provide structure and consistency in your own home. It will drive you crazy trying to control what he does at his (and gives him a tool for manipulation and a means to get to you).