[Whiteheron]

So this morning I texted stbx and let him know I would be dropping off DD's bag and DS's things he needs for weekend activities. As I'm at the house he texts me to inform me I need to drop off additional clothes for DS as well as socks and underwear. The timing is not coincidental - he has cctv cameras around the house and could easily see I was there.

After the kids' weekend with him almost two weeks ago, DS asked me to buy him some more clothes for his dad's house. I told him it was his dad's responsibility, to which DS responded "that will never happen" and asked me to please get him some new clothes. So I did. I dropped those off this morning at stbx's house - pants and shirts only, which is what DS told me he needed (DS is growing like a weed).

Now before I had moved out of the house, I had purchased several items of clothing for both kids, so they would have enough to cover them at both houses. When I moved out of the house, I double checked to make sure the kids had enough for both houses. I guess he's too lazy to do the kids' laundry and I should supply him with more clothing?

Part of me was so tempted to go out of my way and drop off additional socks/undies for DS (even though it would have cut me short). But I didn't. Instead, I forwarded his text demanding I drop off clothes to my L and informed stbx I dropped off pants and shirts. I ignored the part about undies and socks.

I'm astounded that stbx feels I should be the one making these purchases (he doesn't pay child support yet). Even more so, because he knew about this for almost two weeks, yet texts me the day of and expects me to jump. Not happening anymore. (but I still feel guilty that Ds may not have what he needs....)

He is apparently able to stock the kitchen with all new appliances and utensils, yet can't buy his son underwear?

[openskyblue]

Why are there cctv cameras around the house?? 

One idea: If you think the problem is that your ex is not washing DS's clothes, how about teaching DS how to do the laundry himself?

[lifeline]

Hi WH!

It took a whole year before I was no longer carting clothing back and forth.  He gave me nothing from the house we lived in, so I had to buy all new stuff.  We just this last couple of weeks finally gotten to the point of me only sending an outfit for them to wear home.

It's awful and wrong, but they use the kids as a means to control things.  In his mind he can make you run around "For" the kids even when they are in his care, and if you don't he can say well she doesn't care about the kids, obviously.  It also helps him know what you are doing.  Where you are.  How your time away from the kids is being spent.  I know that for my NPDex he would come right out and say, "Well you shouldn't be socializing while you don't have the kids!" 

They will always grasp for any ounce of real or perceived control.  I hope you're journaling this stuff with the kids, the clothing, the children's behavior, remarks, etc.

Much love to you!!!!

[Associate of Daniel]

It took a considerable amount of time before my u/npd exH informed me that I no longer needed to send clothes for  ds. (Except for an outfit for him to return to me in.)

So I guess I'm fortunate.

What's not so great is (according to ds11) they make him change into the clothes they provide as soon as he arrives there and don't let him wear anything from me until just before pickup. It's like they think the clothes I provide are poison they don't want in their house.

Also, they buy only the "best" brands, at far more expensive prices than I can possibly dream of affording.   (Nike, Bonds $15 undies etc.)

I can only afford op shops for ds and me. Although I do spend a lot on shoes for him as he has - interesting - feet.

I depend almost entirely on hand me downs for ds.

All that doesn't help you though, Whiteheron. Sorry.

AOD

[HotCocoa]

N's play on our emotions for our children in order for us to comply with their demands. 
Next time I would tell him, "I've provided everything they need for the weekend already, if they need additional items, please pick them up."
It is on him, not you, when they are with them.
My ex provides nothing extra and instead will stop by my home unannounced and sit in the driveway while my child runs in to get an extra pair of shoes, or whatever.  Then he's had his mother do it as well since I told him he is not permitted to sit in my driveway unless its for pickup or drop-off.  My children have what they need, this is just his way of control.

[Whiteheron]

opensky - there are cctv cameras around the house because he feels he's SO important he may be targeted by rights activists (pharma/animal testing). At least that's what he tells people. I believe that is a convenient excuse to watch me and the kids - his need for control and need to know everything that goes on at all times.

lifeline - HI!!!!  He is also trying to write into the temp custody agreement (which still hasn't been signed!!) that I will be available on his weekdays just in case he can't take off of work. So he's saying that I should be at home, waiting for him to call in case I need to watch the kids for the day. While I would love to spend more time with the kids, there is no way I will allow him to control me like this. And this is after he made such a stink for 50/50 (he got less) and repeatedly told the courts he was in full control of his schedule and could be there for the kids at a moment's notice.

AOD -thank you for sharing - just knowing there are others out there that are dealing with something similar helps me feel not so alone. My kids' clothes come from discount stores. They grow too quickly for anything else. I'm just astounded he feels I should still be taking care of everything for him.

HotCocoa - I can't believe your x would come sit in your driveway, that would completely throw me - I can't have stbx in my space. At all. I'm not healthy enough for that yet...if I ever will be. He was playing on my emotions for sure - he knew I would feel guilty and feel the need to go out of my way and get whatever the kids needed. But I didn't. Not this time. He wants more custody? Then it's time for him to step up and act like a parent.

[openskyblue]

About those cameras --- why don't you have them removed?

This seems like an enormous invasion of privacy. I mean, you don't have cameras at his house. There's no judge on earth who would order them replaced.

[Whiteheron]

Opensky - they're at "his" house. I was there sorting through the literal pile of crap he left for me in the garage, and I had just happened to drop stuff off for the kids' weekend with him. He likely used the cameras to see that I was there...then sent the text demanding I drop off underwear and socks for DS.

[openskyblue]

Oh my!  Yup, they're some definite control issues with that guy. What a pain to have to deal with!

[cant turn back]

He is also trying to write into the temp custody agreement (which still hasn't been signed!!) that I will be available on his weekdays just in case he can't take off of work. So he's saying that I should be at home, waiting for him to call in case I need to watch the kids for the day.

These PD types are so accustomed to having control that they have absolutely no sense of awareness of how inappropriate they are.  This request is completely absurd, almost comically so.  Your STBXH is his own worst enemy sending these types of requests to the Court (not to mention the other mountains of inappropriate filings he’s made). 
I’ve been offline for awhile.  I’m glad to hear you are out and progressing forward.  Baby steps, right?

[athene1399]

WH, if your ex is anything like my BF's, if you give him an inch he'll expect a mile from you next time around and will most certainly demand it. Make sure you keep setting up boundaries. It sounds like you are already. It can be a pain, but always stick to what you say and don't make an exception. I would definitely tell your lawyer what your ex said about not buying clothes for your child. My Bf's ex can always buy "fun" stuff, like a giant new tv, but can't buy anything their child actually needs. We supply all that and get upset at all the new things the ex has for herself.

You have to let your ex know that you are not "on call" for him. If he can't get off work for his time, he needs to give you advance notice. Make sure this is started in your agreement. 

[Whiteheron]

I did end up sending four pairs of underwear for DS when he was at stbx's house for a week. Both the Law Guardian and my L are aware he is unable to ensure the kids have enough clothing. Of course stbx blames it on me, claiming I took most of the clothes with me when I left. I have receipts that show I bought undies, pants, shirts, etc. for the kids to wear at my house.

I keep drawing boundaries and he continually attempts to guilt me into ignoring them. He is unable to take care of any of the pets he's bought for the kids. I mentioned in another post that stbx texted me telling me I needed to take the second cat. Quick backstory - stbx insisted he keep one cat, while "allowing" me to take the other. He lasted almost two weeks with the cat before texting me to come get it. I informed him I would be able to pick up the cat in a day or two and he insisted it needed to be done ASAP because the cat was all alone in the house. I *did* go get the cat that night - but only because last time I was at the house, the cat was completely disheveled and it was obvious stbx hadn't been giving the cat her medication.

Just this morning, I'm receiving texts from stbx asking me to take another pet that stbx is claiming will need to be boarded for an extended period of time if I don't come get it. This pet he wants to follow DS - so if DS is with me, so is the pet. If DS is with him, so is the pet. I guess like joint custody for pets? This is an added complication which would require me to meet up with stbx just to exchange this pet. Right now the exchanges happen at school, so I have minimal contact with stbx. Scheduling in weekly face to face contact with stbx just to exchange this pet? No thanks.

[cant turn back]

WH, given your situation, that sounds like an awful arrangement, and one he is forging simply to control you, once again, to keep you at his beck and call.  NO WAY.  That pet should be with you exclusively.  Your STBXH has already demonstrated that he is ill equipped to care for the pets.
How long until there is a final judgement/determination as to your custody situation?

[Medowynd]

We all have dreams and your STBXH is dreaming that he found a new way to trap you and grab more if your time.  Too bad, he is just discovering that his dreams are not coming true.

How long do you think he can continue his FOTY act.  It sounds like the role is becoming more difficult for him.

[Whiteheron]

WH, given your situation, that sounds like an awful arrangement, and one he is forging simply to control you, once again, to keep you at his beck and call.  NO WAY.  That pet should be with you exclusively.  Your STBXH has already demonstrated that he is ill equipped to care for the pets.
How long until there is a final judgement/determination as to your custody situation?

Yes, it's all about control. He actually told me he still wanted to 'see' the cat. I mentioned this to my L. She got really quiet for a few beats and then said "in all the years I've been practicing law I have never once heard of cat visitation"
I have no idea how long it will be. The financial piece will be dealt with in late summer. I am not sure when final custody will be decided.
Part of me hopes it drags on - the longer it takes, the more unhinged stbx will become. He can't hide his true nature for too long, especially when someone else (the judge) is in control.

We all have dreams and your STBXH is dreaming that he found a new way to trap you and grab more if your time.  Too bad, he is just discovering that his dreams are not coming true.

How long do you think he can continue his FOTY act.  It sounds like the role is becoming more difficult for him.

I agree. He can't seem to stop trying to find ways to make me jump through his hoops. I made it clear yesterday that shared pet custody was not going to work and left it at that.

I am not sure how much longer he can keep up the FOTY act. I'm surprised he lasted as long as he has. He goes in waves, it seems. He's FOTY, then declines. Someone says something to him about his irrational behavior and FOTY comes back...then declines, etc. If past history is any indicator, the FOTY times will become shorter and shorter and the declines will become longer until he's no longer FOTY and is unable to put on that mask anymore.

I can say that FOTY is starting to bother the kids. One was asking me why they always have to be going somewhere and doing something - why can't they just relax around the house for a few days? DS noted that stbx has to take them places because he "gets bored." I hope that's not internalized by the kids as, you're too boring so we need to go out and do something.

Usually this type of behavior (which his T classifies as "manic") precedes a mental breakdown (which his T classifies as "depression"). The way I see it is that stbx needs to keep himself occupied to quiet whatever is going on in his brain, but it's not sustainable, so his behavior declines and his true self emerges. It's cyclical (the main reason his T gave him the bipolar dx).

[Mintstripes]

My ex tried the exact same thing. Lectured me by text as to why I was my responsibility to provide and purchase all clothes for our child.
This was when he was still seeing DD.