20 years with a Borderline and I did it again!

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Photojdude

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20 years with a Borderline and I did it again!
« on: March 18, 2018, 12:10:31 PM »
Hello and thanks for listening. I spent 20 years in a committed relationship with a Borderline, with the last three or four years an absolute living hell. I list my house, my friends, my profession, my confidence and my self esteem. She sued me, I had over $35,000 in legal fees and was thoroughly spanked by the legal system. All I got from the relationship was the dogs, a couch and a lot of therapy bills.

So, what do I do next? Why, I fall into a whirlwind relationship with another Borderline, of course! Amazing sex on the second date, talk of moving in together (when her divorce finalizes) and all the rest. Red flags are everywhere... She is messy to the point of the house is just plain dirty, her two kids are way messed up (one is on the spectrum, the other either hides from me when I enter the house or gets in my face and screams "When are you going to leave?") She can't handle my needs, she doesn't want to talk about "feelings" all the time, she never takes responsibility for her actions, she gets "triggered" and closes down discussions before they get productive. She gets into screaming matches with the soon-to-be ex every time he comes over to get the kids, she had an affair and is still in contact with the guy... I could go on and on.

In spite of all this, and mostly because of the best sex of my life, I try and try to keep the relationship going. We are on again/off again for a while, the reconcile (I think) for good on Valentine's Day. That weekend she goes to Japan on a trip she refused to take me along on. Long story short, she doesn't reply to my emails and doesn't contact me on her return. When I call her I get "I was thinking while I was in Japan." The next day, she tells me she fucked some friend of a friend while there and even though "he wasn't as good in bed as me" she can no longer handle our relationship and wants to end it but we can "be friends."

I hit rock bottom, get wildly upset and depressed but resolve to try and accept her terms so I can still see her. I write up a 27-point list of things not to do so as not to trigger her that reads like "Stop Walking on Eggshells" on steroids. The day we are supposed to speak, I am so happy that I make the mistake of texting her. She freaks out. "You are trying to get things back to the way they were before." I can"t handle this right now. I need three or four weeks...

So, here I am, in week 2, miserable, listing everything that was and is wrong with the relationship in pages and pages of Google Docs and.... I still want her back.

Help.

Photojdude

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practical

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Re: 20 years with a Borderline and I did it again!
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2018, 01:07:46 PM »
Welcome to OOTF!

Leaving a PD relationship can feel like withdrawal and so you seek out the same drug again, the one that made you feel high - ignoring all the lows, the abuse, thinking you can handle them, work with and around them (see your 27 point list). Being in a PD relationship can create codependency and this doesn't go away because you separate, the habits you have formed stay on till you actively undo them, which can be a long and painful process. This is a great place to work through this.

Check out the Toolbox and especially the topic "Rules of Relationship" http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/know-the-rules-of-relationships . From personal experience I can say it worked for me, taking this year for myself and figuring out who I actually was, was transformative for me.

Check out the various boards and I hope to see you there.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Photojdude

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Re: 20 years with a Borderline and I did it again!
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2018, 01:47:14 PM »
Thanks for the advice! It does feel like withdrawal. The real problem for me is that my head knows all of this but my heart and my lizard brain don't want to listen to reason. It feels as if any contact with her, no matter how hurtful and constrained, would feel better than none.

It is as if I have as messed up reward system, and crave the major stress and upheaval of a bad relationship more than the calm and comfort of a healthy one, which I haven't experienced in a long time.

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elly87

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Re: 20 years with a Borderline and I did it again!
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2018, 05:15:49 PM »
It sounds like you could use some extra support, especially an outside person who can review this relationship objectively with you and answer questions that need to be asked in order for you to heal and relate to others in a functional way. As someone from a PD home who married and divorced a PD, I could tell you you are lucky to be given a way out through this break up. I went to therapy to heal from my experiences and am happy to report I am in the first healthy relationship of my life and there is NOTHING like it- even sex with a PD, which admittedly, can be quite good!

Good luck on your journey...we are here to support you!

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starfox

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Re: 20 years with a Borderline and I did it again!
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2018, 06:40:06 PM »
I understand. It's so hard to leave a PD person. They can seem so beautiful and colourful... and then reality seems so bloomin' grey in comparison.   :-\

It may sound so blah to say but it gets easier. Reality will get its colour back, your reward system will heal and your heart will catch up with your head.

Well done on making it this far!


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all4peace

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Re: 20 years with a Borderline and I did it again!
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2018, 09:39:47 PM »
welcome, photojdude! I've never been in your shoes, but I have done a lot of reading about trauma bonding. I believe it is Patrick Carnes who has authored a lot of articles and several books on the topic. Being in relationship with a PD can be like an addiction, and if you find some of his writing it could be helpful. I'm sorry for what you are facing.

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moglow

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Re: 20 years with a Borderline and I did it again!
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2018, 10:55:23 AM »
Photojdude, hello and welcome! I'm sorry you've had to search out support for where you find yourself, but glad you found us.

Your situation sounds much like one my brother has been in (sort of) for the past 3+years. When it was good it's SO good, that it's just irresistible but it turns sour in an instant over seemingly innocuous events. They're having a great day and he (gasp!) dares look at a female server when ordering in a restaurant. She calls when he's tied up or working where he has no cell reception and doesn't return her call until later - massive meltdown and accusations ensue. AFTER she's "punished him" by not answering or returning calls for the exact amount of time he "ignored" hers. I can't help but wonder with all her many accusations if it's not all a cover for her own behavior - gaslighting and projection if you will.

Thing is, they supposedly broke up a year into this mess. They were to be friends only. Then she'd call for help and he jumped at the opportunity to be her knight in shining armor and prove himself to her. Literally within a few days (he now says 36 hours) her accusations begin again, and any counter argument is turned into "I told you we're just friends! You have no right to ask/say that!" But it's so wonderful for that brief shining moment, and he wants more of that.

Stop and think - You're twisting yourself into knots to appease her, and believe me, when someone wants drama or an excuse for bad behavior they will find it. You don't have to "do" (or not) anything to trigger or excuse it in her mind. Sounds like she wants what she wants the way she wants it when she wants it, and the rest of the world be damned. And as soon as she decides she doesn't want it anymore, all bets are off.

Hang in there. Find other things to occupy your mind and time. Refocus on the foul way she treated you (rubbing your nose in her trip and "activities," really??? Who does that?) when you feel weak, instead of the good times. Remember that when people show us who they are, it behooves us to pay attention. More than anything, take care of yourself. Do things and spend time with people that add to rather than take away joy in your life.
 
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Adria

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Re: 20 years with a Borderline and I did it again!
« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2018, 12:19:20 PM »
So sorry Photojude,

My first husband was like that, and he was also great at the sex part.  I read somewhere that narcs are usually extraordinarily good in the bedroom department as that is a tactic they practice to keep their victims coming back. They also have a lot of practice on the side. Please try to stay strong and take the out. If this is what you are seeing now, can you imagine what is coming down the road?