Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends

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bonnieG

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Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« on: March 31, 2018, 01:50:28 PM »
My daughter reminded me that this "friend" had sent inappropriate snail mail and email to not only mutual FB friends, but to my family!

The mail and emails were full of her over the top gratitude "for how my family or friends had cared for me so wonderfully, through a medical crisis!!"  They went on and on; complimentary and overly emotional.

The only problem being that it wasn't TRUE.  The medical crisis happened, but I weathered it ALONE. Nobody took care of me!!  And at the time, my family was LESS than helpful.  It was an incongruous thing to DO. 

I intercepted the snail mail to my family, because she told me she was sending it, and I was living there at the time.  It freaked me out that she wanted to correspond with my family members!

The mail and emails consisted of how "deeply grateful she was that I had such a wonderful family, and so much loving support." (and so forth)  The joke being that I DIDN'T.  None of that was true.  One FB friend that she emailed read the email to me.  It was similar in tone and content to the snail mail.  A lot of A$$ kissing compliments aimed at them, but supposedly in support of me.  It struck me as very ODD. 

I don't quite know what to take away from this. It was recent, within the past 6 months. It doesn't seem like rational adult behavior.  I can't say for sure if this woman has a PD, but something is going on here that makes me question her stability.

Has anyone ever had a FB friend (or other friend) begin to meddle and interfere like this? 

bonnie


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slugsandsnails

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2018, 02:27:07 PM »
Hi, bonnieG! I've read your 2 posts about your FB friend & I can quite see why you're worried - her behaviour is totally over the top. Contacting your family and friends like this is totally out of order, in my opinion. I've had problems with social media friends before too, messaging too often & treating me like their "best friend" when we hadn't even met, but nothing like this. Oh, I tell a lie - I did have some trouble with a catfish on FB a couple of years ago. He was almost certainly a N, and started love-bombing me. I'm afraid I was very lonely and vulnerable at the time, having lost my husband and having health problems, so it took me longer to see through him than I might otherwise have done. We had some really nice chats on the phone, and he kept telling me that I was the woman of his dreams, that sort of thing! I didn't really believe it but as I say, I was in a vulnerable place. I stupidly gave him my address, and he started sending me unsolicited gifts - around a dozen in all, I think! I asked him to stop but he wouldn't. Anyway, long story cut short, I blocked him on FB and everywhere else., and gave the presents to the charity shop (apart from the artisan chocolates - I ate those!) I later found out he was married! I felt really stupid, not to mention guilty!

Anyway, back to your friend. Her behaviour sounds pretty histrionic to me. I would also say that she probably can't be trusted, unfortunately. My experience as I described above has taught me to be extremely wary where social media is concerned. I can't tell you what to do, but if she won't modify her behaviour, it would seem that a block would be in order. I do hope it can be sorted out - it sounds very stressful!
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
~ W. B. Yeats

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bonnieG

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2018, 02:45:45 PM »
slugsandsnails,

Thank you!  What a coincidence, as I was just reading up on HPD on this site.
 
She seems to tick many of the HPD boxes.  Sadly.

I felt that her emails and notes to my family and friends were more about her and far less about me, and my actual situation.  It seemed like she created a situation so she could take action, calling attention to herself. 

She has removed herself from FB, but continues to use the messenger service to correspond. (mutual friends have heard from her via Fb messenger)

It's not overly stressful for me, but it is bizarre...as her changes in behavior became more apparent to me recently.  Several episodes or incidents involving her have come to light since last Xmas, so I am practicing medium chill/grey rock.  I never respond right away, and I wait days between any interaction. Soon, it will be weeks. I choose the setting and the timing, if I decide to. 

She reads a LOT into my withdrawal.  She implies that if I am not enthusiastic to chat or text, then something  must be WRONG WITH ME.    Lol.  Nope. Just trying to walk the opposite direction from you and your shenanigans.....  The first day of implementing medium chill I got over 120 texts asking alternately whats WRONG, and detailing her crisis of the moment.  It was an eye opener.

Thanks again, growing up in a dysfunctional household, weird can seem normal at times.  It helps to remind myself, it's NOT.  Sane adults don't do those outlandish things. 

bonnie

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slugsandsnails

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2018, 07:17:21 PM »
I know what you mean about weird seeming normal after growing up in a dysfunctional family - I'm the same! I've had friends point out the oddness of my UnPDMum's behaviour because I just didn't see it!

I'm glad you're not too stressed out by this friend's behaviour; and are managing to implement boundaries. 120 texts - gosh, I'd have been a gibbering wreck if I'd been on the receiving end of that lot lol! it sounds like you've been more than patient with her! Good luck!
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
~ W. B. Yeats

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NoVoice357

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2018, 02:38:47 PM »
Hi bonnieG,

It freaked me out that she wanted to correspond with my family members!

PDs will contact people who know you such as family members, friends, acquaintances, neighbours or your boss as long as they have contact information. Your PD friend wants to get them on her side. Once this is achieved, the PD will carefully smear you to turn them against you and isolate you from them. This is why I am not on FB. We are giving PDs too much information to use against us.
   
Yes, I have a female PD interfering in my relationships. She has been doing it for several years now and unfortunately she has isolated me from almost everybody. People who are supposed to be empathetic do not believe me when I tell them about these female PDs. They do not want to know, especially women.

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Adria

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2018, 03:21:44 PM »
BonnieG,

I have a similar situation with an old high school girlfriend who has recently popped back into my life.  She knows that my family has ghosted me for two decades, she says she understand my pain. However, recently, she has been calling me more and more acting like she cares about some serious health issues I've been having. At first I fell for it, but now I'm understanding she's reporting back to my family.  It seems she is worming her way in with my relatives and it freaks me out.  I will no longer be visiting with her on the phone and handing over personal details of my life. Like you, I don't understand why people do things like this, especially when they appear to be a friend. Sick.


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bonnieG

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2018, 07:16:26 PM »
thank you all,

After a dysfunctional FOO, and a very bad experience of  5 year rs and marriage with a PD man...I thought I was more in tune with the red flags.  Apparently I can still be snowed. 

This FB friend, being removed from my daily life, was able to maintain a fairly normal facade with me for over 2 years.  I noticed that she was calling me her ONLY friend, her best friend, and "like a sister".  That should have alerted me, but it didn't. 

I have many friends - some of them are lifetime friends, and I still wouldn't call them a BEST friend.  But that's me.

She seemed to assume the intimacy of a much closer and deeper relationship.  I suspect that's what she "feels" when she contacts my male friend that she's pursuing online.  Her "feelings" of extreme admiration seem to create a backdrop of intimacy that doesn't exist. 

The fact she contacted my family members in a hand written note to gush praise at them was so unusual.  There was nothing exactly wrong in what she wrote, except it was UNtrue, and it was strongly complimentary and pandering.  It was almost like something one would write to a celebrity that you'd never met, but completely adored. (because of how" wonderful" you perceived them to be!!)  It struck a creepy chord with me. 

Thanks again for sharing your experiences with me.  I had felt  that I was the only one and perhaps I was being too harshly critical.  Maybe I should have been more critical, earlier on!!

bonnieg

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Medowynd

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2018, 04:53:03 AM »
It doesn't matter if you are her only friend.  She will just continue to become more outrageous.  I have a had a few PD people in my life, that tried to latch on to me.  I have a very low tolerance, for "hero worship."  When people have tried that with me, I ghost them.   My daughter has called me the "Vanishing One."  As a self protective mechanism, I just disappear from these people's lives.  No phone calls, texts, emails or any other contact.  They can try to contact me, but I never respond.  Eventually they go away, because there is no supply.

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NotFooled

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2018, 05:11:28 PM »
I would just unfriend and possibly block her.  She sounds like and unstable person with boundary issues.  This may sound harsh but if they're not my parents or DH's parents and they seem mentally unstable then I stay as far away as possible.

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clara

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2018, 01:31:06 PM »
I agree with the suggestions of NC.  This woman is clearly trouble, and troubled, and will use whatever crumbs she can get from you to build more mountains.  I would also inform friends and family of what she's doing.  If they don't believe you, that's on them.  You don't have to prove anything.  I'd think anyone who knows you will realize that  this is coming from her and not from you.  People are often more perceptive than we give them credit for, and all we need to do is voice their suspicions for them to be reassured that they were right, after all. 

This so-called friend likely believes she is helping you by doing this, that she's doing and saying the things you should be doing and saying but aren't, and by doing this she's saving you.  She's saving your relationships, your family, you.  In her mind, you don't yet know it, and maybe don't appreciate it, but someday you will and you'll be grateful to her.  You'll see what a great person she is, how she repaired any family damage, how she worked for you.  This is delusion, pure and simple, and if you don't eventually give her what she wants (and believe me, she wants something) she may turn on you in unexpected ways.  The sooner you get her out of your life, the better off you'll be.

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bonnieG

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2018, 02:56:18 PM »
clara,

Yes I  believe she feels she is "handling things" on my behalf, although I never asked her to.  Under the guise of helping, she is inserting herself where she does not belong.  I also agree with your comment that she feels she can do this better than I can...as she has been critical of my actions in the past.  (saying that she would do things differently if it were her, etc)

I am not answering her calls,  If I block her suddenly I am worried that she will try a back-door way to get to me (via family addresses she has,  that used to be my address)  I do not want her contacting my family or friends.  I did tell the people/family that she reached out to that she had issues, and that we are not close RL friends and left it at that.



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Adria

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2018, 12:57:23 PM »
I was watching the Wendy Williams Show the other day.  She said something that really hit a nerve.  She said, be careful what you tell your friends . . . a friend is an enemy on the back burner waiting to boil over.

I have found this in many instances to be sad but true.

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ManifestNY

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Re: Update: FB friend mailed and emailed to my family/friends
« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2018, 05:29:31 PM »
Hi all - I'm late to the party on this very relatable conversation for me - today is my first day on the forum.  I had a friend who I lived with temporarily when I moved back to New York.  She broke into my computer and went through my belongings and forwarded very private emails to my friends and family.  It started a smear campaign against me and affected my career, all of my relationships and has ended my relationship with my mother.  This person contacted people at my job, and they believed the world she created around me.  Some people still do and it's been very painful. 

She took control of all of my relationships and lets them know if it's "ok" or "not ok" to talk to me.  I've been alienated and have no choice but to start over, while I'm being painted as someone who "messed up my career and shouldn't have been back at work," which is actually her story. 

This person is definitely has HPD, along with my mother, so it's been a double dose of awful.  The ONE amazing positive about this: I am a very spiritual person and know that if you use the pain and triggers to heal yourself, you can actually live a life beyond your imagination.  The hardest part is rebuilding a support system, which I am actively doing now as fast as I can. 

Thanks for listening and I hope to be here to support your experiences.