'Im only trying to protect you'

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Saywhat

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'Im only trying to protect you'
« on: April 01, 2018, 09:59:01 AM »
Oh, really? From what, NPDm? From what, enabling father and GC brother?

Did your family members use this as an excuse for their abuse?

Mine did, all the time, and I believed them for too long.

They used it in so many situations, just to keep me small and ashamed and, ultimately, under their control.

Examples:

1. I tell you you are ugly and fat when youre going through your puberty just so you can learn to take care of yourself because otherwise no man will ever want you and you will be alone forever

2. I criticize all your friends because they are evil people who actually dont deserve you. Im trying to open your eyes about how wonderful you really are in comparison.

3. I tell you you are a loud mouthed, rude little girl with stupid opinions. I need to make you realize how antisocial and annoying you are because otherwise no friend or boss or man will ever want you

4. GC brother insults me and blames me for parents constant fighting. He is trying to open my eyes to how difficult I am to protect me from future hurt in relationships

5. My whole family criticizes and humiliates my husband, a wonderful man wity whom I have a wonderful relationship and who has done nothing but to love and respect me, because they want to protect me from him and future hurt

6. In the mean time, my parents flatter and sugar-coat everyone who has ever abused me outside of home, including a primary school teacher, a male friend who insulted me in front of the whole class and a female friend of my parents who tried to cheat me financially when I was broke. I was just being difficult and brought the abuse on myself. Meanwhile everyone who was ever nice or kind to mean became officially an enemy of the family.

The list goes on and Im getting toi angry to keep writing!

Anyone else had similar problems?

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The New Me!

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Re: 'Im only trying to protect you'
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2018, 10:13:47 AM »
Hi, this resonates with me - although the comment is "it's only because we care."  Yes, I have come across this and it's very hurtful - you're halfway there - because you're recognising that this isn't right.  It's all about control and they're trying to justify their unacceptable behaviour.  My abuse was more subtle - more "killing me softly." 

No contact for 11 weeks now and day by day it all becomes clearer and everything is so much more hopeful.

When you get comments like this; it's difficult to know how to deal with it.  I suppose you could always tell them to "f**k off!"  I've done that with my step-dad and called him a bully...  It worked, but only for a short while.

It's them and their behaviour and it's not your responsibility what rubbish comes out of their mouth.  It takes a great amount of time to realise that, but you will get there.  This forum is a great way to deal with that.   :)

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StayWithMe

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Re: 'Im only trying to protect you'
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2018, 10:16:04 AM »
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Anyone else had similar problems?

Yes.  Let's see what I can remember:

1. "We're just trying to get to be your best self."

2. Nobody is going to take care of as much as / the way we do.

3. If I point that people that they praise (and sometimes use to triangulate me) fall below the standards that they're trying to get me to attain, here are the usual rejoinders:
a. They don't respond.  Sometimes giving off a smirk.

b. "but they're white and you're not.  You have to try harder."

I'll see if I can think of more.

c.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: 'Im only trying to protect you'
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2018, 10:29:32 AM »
My family would say all those things to me. When I got upset they’d say variations of “I’m only being honest”, and really how could I argue with the truth?

I went on to marry a man who did the same thing. I let him do and say awful things to me because deep down I knew what he was saying was true because I’d heard them all my life.

It really messes with your head. Even now I have difficulty seeing my family’s behavior as abusive. I can’t seem to separate out what was abusive behavior vs what I deserved because I was stupid/ugly/loud/rude etc. Logically I know I was none of those things and they were abusive, but it’s hard to “feel” that.

I’m in therapy and have been reading a lot around shame and the lies women tell themselves. One author said something along the lines of “we don’t see them as lies because they are so ingrained, we just accept them as we’ve been hearing them our whole lives”. That really resonated with me.

No I see my family and my ex weren’t trying to help me with their “honesty”, they were trying to tear me down by pointing out the things they worried about about themselves.

My family tell this outright lie about me - that I am always late. I am never late. To anything. Ever. Once my uncle said to make sure I was on time for once. I said that I was always exactly where I needed to be, exactly when I needed to be there and I asked him to name one occasion I was late. He couldn’t. This lie persists.

I’m sorry for everyone who grew up hearing these awful, untrue things about themselves.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2018, 10:32:05 AM by GettingOOTF »

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StayWithMe

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Re: 'Im only trying to protect you'
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2018, 11:04:00 AM »
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No I see my family and my ex weren’t trying to help me with their “honesty”, they were trying to tear me down by pointing out the things they worried about about themselves.

This is the conlcusion I came to, I wish I had done so sooner in life.  I also realised that my trying to expose their own hypocrisy ie "Why is she so perfect when HER hair looks bad?" doesn't work because just saying so shows that you care.