The turnaround tool, from Byron Katie

[Griffen]

I have a friend who's a relationship coach. She's been helping me work through some of the garbage that uNPDm installed back in my preschool years.

Coach has provided me with a really essential tool for fighting the brainwashing installed by abuse - Byron Katie's "The Work." It goes like this:

- State the belief you're wrestling with: "Paul should understand me." Or, "I am not allowed to ask for attention." Or, "If Jane spends time with John, that means she doesn't love me."

Whatever it is, say it or write it down.

Now it's time to check it against reality.

- Yes, or No? Can you absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, know that this belief is true?

You might want to answer this something other than "Yes" or "No." But you must answer it either "Yes" or "No," and that's it. (This may be difficult - it is for me. I always want to JADE about it. Don't JADE.)

- Check your reactions: How do you react, feel, and behave when you think that belief is true?

What's going on with your body? How about your emotions? How are you behaving? Write it all down and look at it.

- Imagine the situation without the belief: Imagine someone who cannot think that thought. How do they react in the same situation? What do they do?

The original process says "Imagine that you can't think that thought," but for some of us who've been badly abused, that may not be possible. So imagine a person who can't think that thought, instead.

By the time you're done with the reality check, you'll probably see that there's not a lot holding up the belief beyond your fear or your conditioning (or both). Now it's time to completely debunk it by turning it around. 

Turn it around in as many different ways as you can, and name what's true about the turnaround for you (three specific ways, if you can). Try negating the part that's positive, or making the negative part positive, or both. So for example, "I am not allowed to ask for attention" can become:

- Reverse the negative: I am allowed to ask for attention.
- Reverse the positive:  I am allowed to not ask for attention.
- Change the verb: I am expected to ask for attention.
- Change the actor: Jane is allowed to ask for attention. Jane is not allowed to ask for attention. Jane is allowed not to ask for attention.

Some of the turnarounds will be nonsensical, but others may be keys to understanding the beliefs that are holding you hostage.

Here's my process from this past week on one of those big, bedrock, incorrect beliefs:

"If I ask for attention, time, or affection, I create a problem."

I've been brainwashed/conditioned/programmed into believing this for a long, long time. It was hard to imagine that anything else could be the truth. But Coach worked with me on the turnarounds, and it was mind-blowing.

The turnarounds were:

Reverse the positive: "If I ask for attention, time, or affection, I do not create a problem."

Reverse the negative and the positive: "If I do not ask for attention, time, or affection, I do not create a problem."

These both seemed to work, but then Coach pointed out there was at least one more turnaround:

Switch the positive and the negative: "If I do not ask for attention, time, or affection, I create a problem."

That blew my mind, because that turnaround is true. When I don't ask for those things, I shut down and stuff my feelings. Eventually I can't stuff them anymore and I blow my top - and that creates a problem.

So my work for the next while is to learn how to ask for what I need. It's scary, but I am doing it, and it's already making a difference. I start by reminding myself that not asking creates a problem (the opposite of my belief) and then I ask. Then, every time I see that someone is willing to give me what I need, I've been asking them how they feel about doing that, too, and it's never been "I think you're annoying/inconvenient/an irritation/a pest." It's always been "I like helping you/you matter to me, so of course this isn't a problem/if it was a problem, I'd tell you and we'd work it out."

Try this out on your deep-seated beliefs and see how it works for you.

[biggerfish]

What an excellent desription of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. It's based on the idea that beliefs are at the core of our extreme emotions. Once we adjust to more rational beliefs, our feelings become more manageable.

I used it intensively for two or three years and it does work. Now I guess it's pretty automatic. I would recommend it to anyone willing to do the mental work. For me, it was totally worth it!

[Pepin]

I realize this is an older post but I had to ask if anyone else has had success with Byron Katie?  I recently stumbled upon her and have been slowly making my way through some of her online videos.  I find some of it to be exciting yet at the same time I am also terrified -- or maybe rather, feeling validated and invalidated.  Turning around things makes sense but then I am left with the question: then what?  My thoughts are the problem - people are who they are and the loving thing to do is just accept it.  While I can now accept that I am who I am and see who they are, why do I have to accept who they are though?  If something they do doesn't align with what I think and I make myself feel bad, then where do I go from there? Obviously I cannot just keep putting up with what I deem to be bad behavior over and over just because of who they are....  I haven't heard any videos yet where it says what to do next?  Walk away, swallow the abuse (that's me putting thoughts in my head that what they did was abusive), etc.  This is just the tip of the iceberg for me and I am nowhere near having read or listened to everything yet.  Anyone else have anything to add?  Is Byron Katie helpful or damaging for survivors of PDs? 

[Griffen]

Pepin, from what I've learned in the last year, Katie's responses to your questions would be that it's your choice what to do next. But you must, must, must give up the idea that you can make anyone else do anything.

So yes, I'd say "walk away." You can't change the PD person or any of their flying monkeys. You will never be able to get them to apologize or admit that they did anything wrong, and right now your focus should be on YOU and on what YOU need. And what you need is to get out of the situation and not return to it, from what I'm reading.

Also, I want to point out: the understanding that "you make yourself feel bad" is absolutely central to Katie's work. Why? Because you (generic you - I'm not trying to pick on Pepin) are the one who decides what a situation - any situation - means. You are NEVER required to accept someone else's interpretation of a situation.

Also, think how crazed it would make the PD person if you decided that their behavior means they aren't worth spending time with or on, instead of accepting the meaning they're trying to force down your throat? For me, that's outright empowering. "Sure, Mom. You can go ahead and say that I'm an ungrateful child. Really, I'm just glad I don't have to deal with your capital-D Drama anymore. You're too much work for me to deal with, and I don't care about your opinions anymore. I'm done."

You only have to "put up with" their behavior if you stay where you can see it. If you walk away from it and go NC, you no longer have to put up with their behavior. But you will have to accept that they will not change - and I know that's the hard part.

Even so, the fact is that they are PD, and they not only will not change, they are unable to change.

[Griffen]

Also, a small addition to the original post:

When you get to the question about "imagine someone who can't think this thought," put these two questions in before that:

1. Do you see any good reason to let go of this thought?

2. Do you see any stress-free reason to hold on to this thought?

That has helped me reject so many toxic beliefs my UCBM installed during the abuse, I can't even tell you.