Total inability to hear criticism or self-reflect

  • 23 Replies
  • 2541 Views
*

daughter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 4575
Re: Total inability to hear criticism or self-reflect
« Reply #20 on: April 04, 2018, 11:13:38 AM »
I think the "Loathing" thread's posted article on "Borderline Mother" accurately reflects the situation of your own mother.

*

all4peace

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8111
Re: Total inability to hear criticism or self-reflect
« Reply #21 on: April 04, 2018, 11:18:02 AM »
I think the "Loathing" thread's posted article on "Borderline Mother" accurately reflects the situation of your own mother.
I've read that thread and that article. And felt that emotion, literally spoken aloud in T. I struggle with the examples in the article, though. They're just so benign. :)

I'm sure you've said, daughter, so I'm sorry to ask/forget, but did you ever directly confront your NM with her behavior? And do you ever feel she is a BPD, or solidly N? The level of entitlement and contempt you describe regarding her is absolutely unbelievable. And I remember her appearance at your son's grad in the last 1-2 years after 4-5 years of NC from you. Did you invite her, or did she finagle that one out from your sons? (feel free to ignore any or all of these questions)

*

Spirit Girl

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: Total inability to hear criticism or self-reflect
« Reply #22 on: April 05, 2018, 11:45:17 AM »
Your question to me all4peace "Did you ever "wrap up" a conversation with your M or simply let it fade away?"
Honestly I ran from her and didn't have the skills to face her or call her out. It's painful to admit that.

After counselling and the huge light-bulb moments after reading Borderline Mothers I couldn't take it anymore. I wrote her an email from a position of love in response to a scathing bitter cruel letter she wrote to her grandson. One might expect an attempt by her to fix things (am I dumb?  :sadno:) but instead she verbally attacked her grandson.

They don't know what normal is and never will, unless hit by lightening lol. I now think of her as "someone I know", that's all. She's not my mother.

Sending hugs and comfort your way.

*

daughterofbpd

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1219
Re: Total inability to hear criticism or self-reflect
« Reply #23 on: April 05, 2018, 03:11:03 PM »
I don't know about other people's parents but after 2 years of studying BPDm, I have come to the conclusion that she really believes her distorted view of reality. If you asked her to be honest, respectful, and kind, she would say "I am" and she would believe it. You could try to point out examples from the past where she has not been honest, respectful, or kind but (1) she doesn't remember, (2) she remembers it differently. I think you have to point out specific examples while they are happening - common sense doesn't exist here. Imagine trying to teach a small child about honesty, respect, and kindness.

I attempted to confront BPDm on one, small issue. The results told me that confronting the past would be just as useless. Her perception of events are different than mine, then she launched into full on DARVO. For me, these kinds of conversations never ended with any kind of resolution. It was ST for a bit and then M would start talking to me again and I would respond but keep contact limited, use MC, hold tight to boundaries, etc. It is a relationship in a very superficial form, which to me is not much of a relationship at all but it also isn't NC.

Even the smallest bit of criticism or boundary setting (no matter how politely or lovingly stated) is seen as a personal attack. If M needs to view this as an attack then so be it as long as she doesn't repeat X behavior. With my higher functioning BPDm, this seems to be working. I know it doesn't work for everyone and when boundaries are repeatedly crossed or M refuses to abide by your boundaries then NC may be the only choice.

Quote
Person X insists X is already all those things--honest, kind, etc. Plus, Y has been hostile, angry, unfair, etc. But X STILL wants a relationship with Y. Y has been hostile, X has not, and X wants to do fun things with Y.
Keep in mind, if you decide to have a relationship with your M, you get to decide what that relationship entails. You don't have to build a relationship filled with unicorns and rainbows where you spend "fun" mother daughter time alone together. Your mom doesn't get to determine how your relationship is going to be. My M keeps going on about wanting to go shopping together and I can't think of many things that would be less fun so I just never seem to have the time. hehe. Your M also doesn't get to determine whether or not you have the right to be angry. I had a major breakthrough when I realized that I was angry at my M for telling me I had no reason to be angry. This is an area where she and I are just going to have to agree to disagree because nothing will change her opinion and nothing will change mine. The fact of the matter is that I am entitled to feel however I feel, regardless of whether she thinks it is justified or not. This is the way things are. She's just going to have to deal with it if she wishes to continue contact.

I believe our parents all have varying degrees of awareness, deceitfulness, and malice. I have come to find my parents more clueless and mentally ill then anything. I have taken away any power M had in my life and she knows it so she seems resigned to "behave." You may find your mother to be more aware of her hateful behavior and less inclined to respect your wishes. I think that's just something you'll have to decide with time, if you haven't already.

Good luck and take care.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni